S/O dating a guy with kids

[farfalla2011]

Before I ask my question, I want to give a little background so I don't come across super selfish and bitchy.

I'm absolutely in love with BF. We have a great relationship. He also has two kids (8 yo boy and 4 yo girl) whom I absolutely adore.

For the kid thing, I'm leaning more and more towards not wanting any of my own. I like the whole part time thing for me. However, I know and totally understand that BF really misses his kids since he only sees them EOW(-ish he has them 1st, 3rd & 5th weekends) and on Thursdays.

So, over the weekend we drove down to the beach for a couple nights just the 2 of us for my birthday. We had a great weekend. On our way home though, he mentioned that he really misses his kids and talked about how much they would have loved it on the beach and wants to take them next time. This of course is perfectly fine, I want to do stuff with them as well as just the 2 of us.

This is probably completely irrational, but that comment also left me wondering if he's going to wish his kids were with us every time we go on a trip. And because of that thought, I'm wondering if he feels like he's missing something when its just the 2 of us.

I will eventually talk to him about this, but don't have the right words right now. I mainly am more curious about the thought process as a parent since I am not so while I understand, I've not experienced it.

So, I thought I would ask if you wise women can give me some insight?

[lovelybb]

First of all, ask what he meant so you're not left guessing. D has three kids and he's made comments like that in the past. It's certainly not because he feels like he's missing some when it's just the two of us. He thoroughly enjoys the times that he and I have together alone because they are certainly few and far between right now since his son is still recovering from his accident. In fact, he came along with us on our little overnight getaway and we had a great time!

What D means when he makes similar comments is that it would be great to do something together... he really misses that family dynamic and he's said in the past when I've spent time with all of them how much he appreciates it and enjoys it.

[formerlyak]

I have a son, and there are times that fi and I go someplace and I casually mention that ds would have loved it there. Or after, I ask if we can plan a trip back with ds because he'd have enjoyed something we did. That doesn't mean I don't also want trips just me and fi; it simply means that I think ds would have fun on a similar trip in the future.

You need to ask your bf to clarify, because right now I think you are over analyzing the comment.

[ECB]

Sept 24, 2012 17:30:36 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

I have a son, and there are times that fi and I go someplace and I casually mention that ds would have loved it there. Or after, I ask if we can plan a trip back with ds because he'd have enjoyed something we did. That doesn't mean I don't also want trips just me and fi; it simply means that I think ds would have fun on a similar trip in the future.

You need to ask your bf to clarify, because right now I think you are over analyzing the comment.

All of this. The thing is- once you have a kid, they are in the back of your mind pretty much all the time. I do a lot of stuff w/o DS and I have a great time and I don't feel guilty. But there are times that I do absolutely think "he'd love to do this".

Even something as simple as going to a baseball game! He hasn't gone yet. I went last week. I had a great time, but I can't wait to take him next year! I'll still go w/o him too - but I just know he'll enjoy it and I want to do it with him.

[farfalla2011]

I was pretty positive I'm over analyzing this. But I figured I would rather sound a bit crazy to you guys than him.

I will talk to him about it. I just wanted to get some outside input first so I don't address it while being emotional. I had made a comment over the weekend that he took wrong - I sounded like I was wanting something better rather than being happy with what is - and this is my own guilty conscience talking.

Plus, I know there are a lot of parents on here and I wanted to get that perspective especially being that I'm a non-parent.

I'm glad to hear that I'm being a dork and he is probably just having normal parent feelings!

[doriswe]

Sept 24, 2012 17:30:36 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

I have a son, and there are times that fi and I go someplace and I casually mention that ds would have loved it there. Or after, I ask if we can plan a trip back with ds because he'd have enjoyed something we did. That doesn't mean I don't also want trips just me and fi; it simply means that I think ds would have fun on a similar trip in the future.

You need to ask your bf to clarify, because right now I think you are over analyzing the comment.

All of this!!

[chrissie3416]

I agree with AK and was actually going to write the same thing.

[roselis]

Yep AK said it. I do a lot of stuff w/o A, but he is always on my mind and I always am looking for things we can do together later on.

[stephbfan]

Sept 24, 2012 17:30:36 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

I have a son, and there are times that fi and I go someplace and I casually mention that ds would have loved it there. Or after, I ask if we can plan a trip back with ds because he'd have enjoyed something we did. That doesn't mean I don't also want trips just me and fi; it simply means that I think ds would have fun on a similar trip in the future.

You need to ask your bf to clarify, because right now I think you are over analyzing the comment.

:Y:

[blackkitty]

Sept 24, 2012 17:41:18 GMT -5 ECB said:

Sept 24, 2012 17:30:36 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

I have a son, and there are times that fi and I go someplace and I casually mention that ds would have loved it there. Or after, I ask if we can plan a trip back with ds because he'd have enjoyed something we did. That doesn't mean I don't also want trips just me and fi; it simply means that I think ds would have fun on a similar trip in the future.

You need to ask your bf to clarify, because right now I think you are over analyzing the comment.

All of this. The thing is- once you have a kid, they are in the back of your mind pretty much all the time. I do a lot of stuff w/o DS and I have a great time and I don't feel guilty. But there are times that I do absolutely think "he'd love to do this".

Even something as simple as going to a baseball game! He hasn't gone yet. I went last week. I had a great time, but I can't wait to take him next year! I'll still go w/o him too - but I just know he'll enjoy it and I want to do it with him.

Another mom that agrees with this :Y:

[heavenly]

My son is a big part of my life, and there are always the “first time” milestones that I anticipate with him such as his first tooth, first time walking, first word, that kind of anticipation will never stop(it will go beyond to college, wedding and etc). So I can't help thinking about his life experience and wanting the best for him so he is always on the back of my mind because I feel like I am responsible for many of those things for him as a parent and how he is raised. I also miss the family dynamic as well. I will never go back to my xh but I miss having the family experience shared with a companion.

I would ask him what he means so you know exactly what he was thinking. I almost see it as a compliment that he feels comfortable enough want to share those experiences with you.

[wrathofkuus]

I don't have or want kids, and I'd be pretty weirded out by this, too. I'm glad to hear the perspective of people who do have them - it makes the whole thing sound a lot less alarming.

[farfalla2011]

Sept 25, 2012 10:24:53 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

I don't have or want kids, and I'd be pretty weirded out by this, too. I'm glad to hear the perspective of people who do have them - it makes the whole thing sound a lot less alarming.

Agreed! And this I exactly why I asked.

Also an update, we talked about this last night and it is exactly what you ladies are saying.

And, Heavenly I know him finding someone that he can share "family" stuff with is extremely important to him. So I think you absolutely hit the nail on the head!