Husband left

[longtimenopost]

It's been a while since I posted but I'm struggling and don't know what to do. On Friday my husband told me he has been having an affair for 2 months with a co-worker and is leaving me for her. We have been together for 15 years, married for 13. Our girls are 6 and 9.

I am caught totally by surprise. Things have been a little tough the last few months since I had to go back to the office in July after working from home since Covid. I've also had some back issues making it hard for me to sleep so I've been more stressed out than usual and we haven't had sex in 4 months. But I had no idea he was so unhappy. We've done therapy in the past, we used to joke that it was like going to the gym for our marriage. But he didn't even give me a chance this time. We've been through so much together.


I am just in shock. I have bouts of anger when I want to call their boss and burn everything down or just continually send her pictures of our family but it's mostly just sadness and pain. He was my best friend and I don't want to do life without him. The worst is I can't stop texting him.

We haven't told the kids. When he left yesterday we told them he was going on a work trip and would be back Tuesday. The plan is for him to be with the kids after school until I get home from work.

I am so lost. Honestly I can't even Google resources right now so if anyone has recs I would appreciate it.

UPDATE
We are both up in the middle of the night and now he's telling me he wants to come home. He doesn't love her, he was just infatuated. Talk about a mind fuck. Of course it's all I want to hear. But he also admitted to sleeping with her again since he left us and went over there yesterday afternoon. From the outside looking in I'd be screaming at myself saying what the fuck is wrong with you even considering it. But we haven't told the kids yet and that's making me weak. I told him I can't make any promises and I deserve a long time to figure this out. He's absolutely risking losing us both. I'm not sure I want him home but I certainly don't want him there.

[pinkly]

I’m afraid I don’t have any advice, but I just want to say I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard this is. Big hugs to you.

[clairebear]

I am so incredibly sorry. I can't imagine being blindsided like that. I would definitely consult an attorney asap to see what your first steps are to make sure you and your kids are taken care of.  Do you have a good idea of your finances and assets? I would make sure you have copies of all financial statements, bank accounts, retirement accounts, etc and make sure your H doesn't do anything to find assets to move money unexpectedly. 

[toepick]

I’ve been in your shoes - minus the kids, which I know makes this even more difficult.

I just want to hug you and tell you I’m sorry this is happening to you. I completely understand the urge to “fight for your marriage” - I did it too and it feels so necessary in the moment. But take a break from texting him. Don’t try to convince him that you and your marriage are worthy. Let your panic subside a little and take some concrete steps to protect yourself and the kids. Maybe there is a way to salvage things and maybe there isn’t - it only takes one person in a marriage to end it.

It took me a while but I finally realized that I was fighting for something that no longer existed and that I was trying so hard to win back a guy I loved but no longer liked.

One day at a time. That’s all you can do.

[winecat]

I'm so, so sorry. First and foremost, I want you to remember that *his* cheating is no reflection of you. This was a choice he made. It is his responsibility. It is his fault. ::: hugs ::: I found survivinginfidelity.com to be very helpful, especially the first few months. Learning your partner is cheating is a giant mindfuck. It's the weirdest fucking thing but so many cheaters say/do the same things.

If you're in Denver, LMK if you need any support.

[longtimenopost]

Jan 23, 2022 22:21:46 GMT -5 clairebear said:

I am so incredibly sorry. I can't imagine being blindsided like that. I would definitely consult an attorney asap to see what your first steps are to make sure you and your kids are taken care of.  Do you have a good idea of your finances and assets? I would make sure you have copies of all financial statements, bank accounts, retirement accounts, etc and make sure your H doesn't do anything to find assets to move money unexpectedly. 

thank you and Yes. My parents are retired lawyers. Plus I make more money and do all the finances.

[longtimenopost]

Jan 23, 2022 22:24:44 GMT -5 toepick said:

It took me a while but I finally realized that I was fighting for something that no longer existed and that I was trying so hard to win back a guy I loved but no longer liked.

One day at a time. That’s all you can do.

This may be the case. I'm having a hard time seeing the last couple of years clearly with my foggy brain.

[shopgirl07]

I’m really sorry. What a blow that must have been. It totally sucks and is unfair, much love to you.

[suzubell]

I don’t have advice, but wanted to say I am sorry you are going through this. Hugs.

[sadlebred]

I am so sorry! I also recommend getting yourself into therapy as soon as possible. Your kids might need it as well. You might want to start with your company's Employee Assistance program if you have one.

[bronxgirl]

I'm really sorry to hear this. Big hugs.

[sofamonkey]

When someone shows you who they are, listen. Put his number on snooze, and walk away from it.

It’s a really confusing time right now, so give yourself some time too. Just follow the plan flopped min your lap. Discuss stuff Tuesday after you’re home from work. Take that time to contact a lawyer, and make your own plan, on YOUR terms, to protect yourself and your children. Right now, you’re the only that’s thinking of them.

[Patsy Baloney]

I’m sorry.

The most powerful thing that someone told me at a really bad time in my life was to exist the way that you need to to survive this time in your life.

This is really hard. And I think what sucks about adultery and marriages breaking up is that it is a time where action is needed, but how can you move when your head and heart are obliterated?

Can you take time off of work? I felt like that was the hardest part for me - no one knew and I was trying so hard to just appear normal. I didn’t look out for me. If you can, give yourself the time to heal and not feel like you need to meet every obligation right this second.

But for all the time you need to heal, you need to protect yourself from further harm. Be mindful of reaching out to him - is that going to hurt you? Yes? Then don’t. Make some appointments with lawyers - that will help you. Tell a close friend or family member. That will help you.

It’s very difficult when you’re in distress to practice forbearance, but be thoughtful as you move forward with your health and well-being in mind.

I’m sorry that he did that to you. It’s not your fault. No back injury or lack of sex led him to an affair and leaving his family. I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best possible outcome. You did not deserve this.

[cleo29]

I am so sorry. I don't have advice, but wish I could give you a hug.

[mofongo]

I’m sorry. I haven’t been through anything like this in my marriage, and I don’t have kids, but I did have my heart completely shattered in my 20s. It was honestly the worst emotional pain I’ve experienced. You just have to go through it and it really gets easier with time, but fuck if those months didn’t suck. I am not comparing the situation as I know yours is extremely different and more complicated, but i do know that feeling, and it hurts SO bad. And this isn’t about you, or something being wrong with you, this is all HIM. I kept telling myself I must have done something and comparing myself to the other woman, that was useless energy.

[flatlan]

I’m sorry. I am sending strength and healing thoughts to you!

[longtimenopost]

Jan 24, 2022 0:54:51 GMT -5 @kar said:

I’m so sorry.

hey you thanks. One of the million thoughts I keep thinking is I don't want to be alone forever but who's going to want me now? I'm 35. I have three kids. One dead, one disabled. I don't know that I'll ever trust anyone again.

[fernweh]

I’m so so sorry. I know it’s easier said then done but stop texting him. Consult a lawyer and it would probably be helpful to talk to a therapist.

[jlt19]

I don't feel I can give much advice in these situations since I've been in a similar spot and didn't listen to anyone else's. Because really, you have to do what you feel is best for you and your family. I can't even say I'm a success story yet, b/c it's only been over a year and while yes, infidelity hasn't reoccurred, that doesn't mean it won't. I'm realistic in that sense. I just felt that at that time, we weren't ready to quit fighting.

The only thing I will advise is for you to find someone to talk to. It's good to have that release once a week. If he'd be open to it, maybe he should too. But separately for the both of you. Then maybe couples after a few months.

Good luck in whichever path you choose to take. I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. It absolutely sucks.

[underwaterrhymes]

First, I am so, so sorry. I know you must be shattered right now and feeling like no place is safe.

I cannot speak to this on a spouse level, but I can as a child of a woman whose spouse cheated on her relentlessly throughout her marriage. When it got to be too much for her, my mom divorced my dad. She was 36, I was 12, and my little sister was 9. My mom was grieving and spiraled into substance abuse because she didn’t know how to love herself. And my dad was also an alcoholic.

The substance abuse was by far the most challenging part for us - and obviously that is not a problem for everyone. So my best advice to you is to get yourself some counseling and remind yourself often that you are amazing. (Not just an amazing mom, but just amazing all by yourself being who you are.) (Obviously getting counseling for your girls is important too. Be gently honest with them. They will see and they know that you are sad even if you think you are hiding it.)

Take this day by day. And make the choice that feels right for you. What that looks like today might be different tomorrow. It’s okay to fluctuate on this.

But also know that this other woman is not going to just disappear. She works with him and he will see her often, so this will complicate things even if he truly does realize he wants to stay with you. Forgive my objectification of her, but she is a shiny object that will stay shiny because he isn’t living the day to day stressors with her. Plus, these past two years have been hard as shit for everyone and many have avoided cheating on their spouses of 13 years, so he has some work to do beyond just “My Bad. I think I love you after all!”

Lastly, my mom dated several men before meeting and falling in love with my stepdad. They got married when I was 18 and while their marriage wasn’t perfect, he was a good man and we all loved him. He died in 2018 and my mom worried she would never find anyone else, but she is now - at 71 - dating the absolute love of her life. They laugh and have fun and it’s everything I’ve always wanted for her.

Right now dating anyone else probably seems incomprehensible, but I can promise you that you can and will find love with someone wonderful if you want that. ❤️

[mambo123]

I’m so sorry. Take all the time you need to figure out your next step as a person, not the next steps for you as a couple just yet.

Also, make sure to watch any joint accounts like a hawk and please get tested. And make him get tested too if you two decide to give it another shot.

Look out for yourself!

[sapphireblue]

This is so awful. I am so sorry.

When something similar (but not quite as harsh since I didn't have kids at the time) happened to me, I felt just like you describe -- my whole world was shattered and the person I always turned to in crisis times was my H. It was so disorienting.

My best work friend went through EXACTLY your situation, she was blindsided by her H who told her he was having an affair with a coworker and was moving out. It is now 9 years later and she has moved on and is happier now. But at the time she was absolutely devastated.

It is a huge mindfuck that he called you so quickly and said he made a mistake. I don't even know what to say to that. Who does something like this, rocks your whole world, and then within a day or so decides he just made a mistake?

I don't even know what advice to give you but I feel like this guy has a HUGE character flaw and this is a good time for some counseling. I am so sorry!

[justemily]

I'm so sorry.

[sunshineluv]

I am so sorry. I can’t imagine the heartbreak you are feeling. Please know that this isn’t a choice between forgiving him versus being alone forever. At 35, with kids, you still have plenty to offer either your H or someone else in the future, don’t let your brain tell you otherwise. ((((Hugs)))))

[Bernadine]

I’m so sorry. This happened to me last year- like you, I was completely blindsided and heartbroken. I stayed with my h, but he cut off all contact immediately. We’ve been through a lot of counseling, and have had a lot of tough conversations.

It hasn’t been easy. Give yourself some time to figure out what you want. I highly recommend individual counseling for both of you, and marriage counseling on top. It really helped me to see things straight.

I never thought I’d be someone who stayed with a cheater, and that was sort of another blow I had to deal with. Just know you’ll get through it, one way or another.

[stemmie]

I am so sorry.

You deserve all the time you need to figure out what is best for you in this scenario. I know this seems urgent- like you want to find a plan now- but sit with it a while and give yourself permission to change your mind if what you choose initially doesn't work.

[longtimenopost]

Thanks all. I told him he could come over today and we could talk, but I'm not sure if I'll let him stay. I need to set some boundaries, and I want for him to get himself in better shape physically and emotionally before we can move forward. He's been drinking a lot. I want to set boundaries, but I don't want to control everything so this is hard for me. It's my instinct to start booking him a short-term apartment and the like. But he needs to show that he can step it up too. But at this point I feel like anything that gets him out of her house is the best option for everyone involved. Even if we don't end up together, we'll have a much better parenting relationship if he isn't with her. At least that's how I feel right now.

[twinmomma]

When my ex told me about his affair, I was devastated. Even though I knew our marriage had been rocky and probably over for a long time before that, I was too afraid to be alone. The affair actually ended up being a blessing in disguise because it forced me to reckon with what I really wanted and move on without him. It showed his true colors and gave me the "permission" I needed to get out of the marriage. That said, I was a complete disaster for months. It's ok to feel all the feelings right now and have no idea what to do long term. Just keep taking the next right step for what YOU need. Don't let him drive the bus. That's something I really struggled with and let him make decisions that I regretted later because I just wanted it to be over and done with. Take the time to process on your own, without him in your ear.

As far as him being in her house - it sucks. But try to release it. He's going to do what he's going to do. If his answer to solving this problem is living with his affair partner instead of literally anyone else's couch right now, it speaks volumes to where he's at in the process. Actions speak louder than words. It is not your job to make this easy for him.

[ladysybil]

I am so sorry.  I have been in this exact situation, only my daughter was 4 at the time.  He'd known the other woman co-worker for less than 2 months, and blew our whole world up.  This was 4 years ago.  We are now divorced, I am remarried and he is living with the affair partner.

Please find someone that you can talk to that will help process your feelings.  You don't have to decide anything right now and only you can decide the right course.  Like PP, I recommend survivinginfidelity.com - there are lots of resources on there.  It was helpful for me to read other people's stories so that I didn't feel so alone, and to learn about the cheater pattern.  There are stories of reconciliation on there as well, if you choose to go that route, so it's not all "burn it down" mode.  I do want to reiterate that this is NOT your fault, there is something broken in him that led to his actions.  Don't let him place blame on you, he needs to own what he did and actually show some remorse and wilingness to change (if you want to take him back).

I'd also recommend doing a consultation with a lawyer - just to find out your rights and what steps would be needed to protect yourself if you do split.  Even if you reconcile it is empowering to have that knowledge.  It was helpful for me to think through the different possible scenarios and what actions would need to be taken to proceed down that path.

Take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time.  You can do this, no matter the outcome.

[acuore]

I am so very sorry. If no one else has mentioned it, I strongly recommend survivinginfidelity.com. There is a whole community there that can advise and support you, whatever happens. Good luck.