kid pics on FB/IG WWYD?

[DotAndBuzz]

First, let's get this out of the way:

1) I don't post much at all. Maybe 1x/wk, if that? Maybe? And probably a third of what I do post is for my etsy side business (which is tiny). I'm pretty much boring and don't have many followers.
2) I don't use social media as a diary, and I have deliberately backed off sharing "funny" stuff about my kids lately, because they're getting older, and I am aware they don't want *their* lives out for everyone to see.

So DD1 is 14, and got IG last year. I *drilled* into her before hand that the internet is forever, and once you post something/share a picture with someone, be aware that what happens to that picture is no longer in your control (shitty though that may be). So she hasn't really shared much of anything, and pretty much just uses IG for reels (because I won't let her get tiktok). her friends follow her, she follows them, but she keeps it pretty locked down.

Apparently 2 of her "friends" found my IG, with our family pictures on it. Again, boring pictures. Like us in our Xmas PJs on Christmas morning, her in a book store holding Maus (which I shared in the context of her school encouraging kids to read banned books as part of their curriculum), her laughing making a birthday cake with her sister for sister's birthday, etc. Boring, mundane shit.

These two "friends" find my IG, and start blasting her via text, screenshotting MY IG feed, making fun of her in every pic I've posted for the past year. "omg, your family has matching Christmas pajamas?" "Dude, you were having a GREAT time making that cake, huh?"

Obviously I locked my IG feed, but these two kids now follow me, and she told me blocking them will make it worse. I agree. Long-term I'm going to "clean up" my IG followers this summer and boot them (because how fucking weird is it that they follow me? Super weird, IMO). 

Anyways, she's now mortified and doesn't want me to ever take any picture of her, nor does she want me to share them. Our compromise has been that I share them on the private family page (all 20 people family only, who never get so see us), but is this a thing for others? I feel like the jerks here are the two "friends" who found my page and teased her for pictures of HER FUCKING FAMILY, which, IMO, is a dick move. But, to her credit, she pointed out that "you told me to never post anything of myself I wouldn't want others to see, so I don't, and then look what happened with pictures YOU posted of ME." And....I think that's a fair argument. :\

Talking to their parents isn't going to happen, because apparently in 8th grade, "new friends" parents never talk. Or at least, I've never spoken to these other people. Flipping the situation to her finding her friend's parent's feed and teasing the friend doesn't seem to land/connect with her. Despite her knowing what I posted WHEN I posted it, I'm 100% the bad guy in her head right now.

Oh, and she wants me to take down baby pictures of her IN OUR HOUSE because they'll make fun of her. Like I said, "friends." This is all crazy, yes?


May DD, pdq

[TR]

I always preface posts like this with the fact that I don't have kids. But yes, I agree, the assholes are these other girls kids. However, she also has the right to ask you not to share photos of her with anyone. I also don't see how you removing them as followers makes things worse. "My mom doesn't want random kids following her." The end.

[gretchenindisguise]

Omg kids are the worst!!

I ask the kids permission now to post pics. And I've started sending a lot privately to family. It sucks bc fb is actually a way a lot of our family "see" one another and teaching Hs family other technology has failed every time.

I also don't have my page open or available for other kids to see, but I suppose they could go through their parents fb if I'm friends with them.

[deadwing]

I agree with what TR said. I think it's completely reasonable for your daughter to want you to limit what you share of her. However, I don't think it's reasonable for her to ask you to take down pictures in your house. The house is a private space, if your daughter doesn't want "friends" seeing baby pictures, the friends don't get invited in to the house.

[zaneyzoo]

I don't think you should let two little teenagers dictate what you do and don't do on your social media. However, I think it's reasonable to find a compromise with your daughter as far as what you share and don't share with her in it. I also don't think it's out of line to block them. Fuck that - you fuck with my family, you lose access. And unless they're stalking your profile, how will they know they've been blocked?

Your family. Your IG. Your rules.

[DotAndBuzz]

Mar 31, 2022 12:08:26 GMT -5 TR said:

I always preface posts like this with the fact that I don't have kids. But yes, I agree, the assholes are these other girls. However, she also has the right to ask you not to share photos of her with anyone. I also don't see how you removing them as followers makes things worse. "My mom doesn't want random kids following her." The end.

It's not 2 girls. It's one boy, and one non-binary child. 

I don't think the gender matters at all, but it's not strictly "mean girl" behavior.  But they are solid parts of her main friend group, not part of a different circle of friends.

Interestingly, her girl friends are WAY more kind and supportive than these kids, and 0% drama. Like, none. It's....not what I expected from middle school, that's for sure.

[Roc A Bee]

I’d block them, make my IG private and go through my page and block anyone else who is suspicious and keep posting what I want.

[stephm0188]

My son is at the age where I do ask permission before sharing anything about him. I've shared with him that my FB is a diary of sorts- it brings a lot of joy to see memories of things he said pop up, or photos and such. It's locked down. I don't share anything new, but I'm also not going to delete anything.

That said, her "friends" are jerks and the conversation should be steered in that direction. Friends don't try to make one another feel embarrassed or ashamed ofthe traditions and normal every day life stuff, so she needs to figure out if these are truly people who are worth being friends with and then find a way to deal with it. "Yeah, the cake was pretty good!" or "Yeah, my family has all kinds of wacky traditions." If she can shrug it off, they won't have any more ammo.

[isabel]

Can’t just just boot them and make your Instagram account private? If it’s not private because of your Etsy business, I would create a separate account for that.

[scm1011]

Mar 31, 2022 12:08:26 GMT -5 TR said:

I also don't see how you removing them as followers makes things worse. "My mom doesn't want random kids following her." The end.

100000% this. I would remove them in a hot sec - why should you keep followers who bullied your child? What little shit bags.

[wanderingback]

Well that is def the age to be mortified of everything, so sounds about right even though her friends are jerks.

I don’t post that many pics of my partner on IG, but when I do I typically ask him before posting, so I don’t think it’s weird to ask people/family before posting their picture.

I would def block the mean friends, make your page private and then going forward just tell your daughter before you post because she does have a point! It sounds like you don’t post too often so doesn’t seem like a huge lift.

[gretchenindisguise]

I think what Steph is saying is also true, and I try really hard with both of my kids.

An easy way to take the wind out of the bully kids sails is just to say "yeah, we do that :::shrug:::" The other kids want a reaction. If you don't give them one, it doesn't fuel them.

But way way way easier said than done, especially at 14.

[lab7979]

I have several kids that follow my account. They are friends and girlfriends of my kids and even a few friends of my niece which a is a little weird but whatever. I still post what I want. They never say anything. Has she called them out for acting like assholes? I know that's hard for kids that age to do but it can be effective in stopping the behavior. Maybe they are just joking around and don't realize that it's actually bothering her. If they do know it bothers her and continue to do it then why would she want to be friends with these people anyway? I would block them because life's too short for that crap. When they ask her why, she can tell them it was because you thought it was creepy that kids you don't know that well stalk your feed.

[cjcouple]

Absolutely block them. It may irritate them at first but you removed any new ammunition as well so they'll have to move on. I also would lock down your IG and remove any teenagers in there. I don't have any public photos and even my profile pic is often seasonal or landscape.

[Aloe Vera]

I would remove them from your followers and make your account private if it isn't.
I would also ask her permission to post her pictures from now on.
And her "friends" are jerks.

[outnumbered]

I would block them, it cannot be worse. They are already taking screen shots and using them as tools of harassment. Blocking them stops that, besides mosts adults do not have non related children following them.

[fivechickens]

Ugh! Not looking forward to this. Kids are the worst!

I also don’t understand why she thinks booting them off your IG will make it worse. But whatever, your thought of cleaning up down the road is good. Did you accidentally accept their following or does IG automatically allow one to follow like on Twitter (which I hate)?

I think it’s reasonable to not post any other pictures of her on social media. I would not take pictures of her down in the house. That is your house and she doesn’t get a say in how you decorate.

It’s been a long time since I have been a kid but are they seriously making fun of matching PJs and making cake now???

[waverly]

Yes I would block them and make your IG private. If you need IG for your Etsy business I would create a separate account.

I don’t think blocking them makes the situation worse. If they ask your daughter, she can tell them that you blocked them because you don’t have non relatives on your page (or because they are bullying her).

[1confused1]

I don’t have advice other than what has already been given. And I’m sorry your daughter is dealing with this.

I have an almost 13 year old daughter and we had a conversation this week about making sure you surround yourself with people that make you feel good about yourself and reciprocate the friendship. Middle school is so hard.

My 15 year old son has asked me not to post pictures of him on my Instagram or Facebook without asking first. His friends tease him, all in good fun, but sometimes he doesn’t want to deal with it.

[treschic]

Remove them. Ask her why she cares when they are being the weird and mean ones. Family pajamas is a totally normal thing. Definitely don’t remove baby pictures. I think it’s best to not intentionally embarrass your kids but you’re just living your life. I have gigantic pics of my daughter in our house and I laughed that her friends are going to be like, wow your parents are obsessed with you lol 🤷🏻‍♀️ she’s only 2 though

[HRH Queen Dick I, Orphan]

They aren't her friends.
Block.

[bex1973]

I too would remove them - they might not even notice. I mean if someone unfriends me it's a long time before I realize I haven't seen any posts and try to go to their page. And if they do notice too bad they're not friends if they act that way.

I recently starting asking my 9 year old if I can post pictures she is in, she almost always says yes but I'm more doing it to teach her that it's polite to ask first.

And no. I would not take down pictures in my own home - that's a bit too far.

[heygrey]

These are not friends. At the very least, this is not how friends behave. They are also not children I would allow in my house if there is a chance they will make fun of her baby pictures.

While I am sympathetic to your daughter’s argument that blocking them will make it worse, it is YOUR account. You decide to block them or not. If it does make it worse, I would reiterate THESE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

Being 14 sucks. I’m dreading the early teenage years and I still have 5 years to go.

[goldengirlz]

They’re only doing this over text, right? Not mocking her publicly?

This sounds very much like how my H interacted with his friends when they were that age. Lots of snark, lots of teasing, but they’re still very, very close to this day. Texting someone “looks like you’re enjoying making that cake with your parents” (oh, the horror of hanging out with your parents!) doesn’t sound like true bullying to me.

So, first, deep breath. This is manageable. I’m not sure what you mean by WWYD though?

Your DD is right. What seem like “boring” photos to you are probably entirely mortifying to her. So WWID? I’d stop posting pictures of my kid without her consent.

[mrsukyankee]

Block them. And give her the language to help her deal if they say anything. (I'm probably not the best as I'd say something such as, "what is wrong with you that you are following a MOM?").

[elefun]

I don't necessarily think blocking them will make it worse and I think she thinks that cause she's in crisis mode now but I would remove and block them immediately and you can make your IG as approved only for new followers.

[Gato]

I almost never post pictures of my 14 year-old, because a few years ago, they requested that I not.  If I do post one, I get permission from them first.  

I feel like it's a "my body, my choice" situation.  I mean, I never let H post pictures of me without me first checking to make sure I look okay, so I understand how my kid feels.  It sounds like the compromise you've worked out with your DD is a good one.  I would not be taking down pictures in my house, either.  14 year olds have many whims and I don't cater to those.

Those two friends of hers do sound like dicks!

[wanderingback]

Mar 31, 2022 14:11:30 GMT -5 treschic said:

Remove them. Ask her why she cares when they are being the weird and mean ones. Family pajamas is a totally normal thing. 

Do you not remember being 14?! lol.
Of course OP's child cares what their peers think and hell walking down the street with your parents might be embarrassing at that age, let alone being seen in pajamas with your whole family!

I of course think it's shitty of the kids to be mocking them, but I think OP's child's response is totally appropriate at that age and shouldn't be puzzled why the child cares. I'm totally a give no fucks what anyone thinks type of person, but I don't think that started until my early to mid 20s. 

[TR]

Mar 31, 2022 18:26:26 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Mar 31, 2022 14:11:30 GMT -5 treschic said:

Remove them. Ask her why she cares when they are being the weird and mean ones. Family pajamas is a totally normal thing. 

Do you not remember being 14?! lol.
Of course OP's child cares what their peers think and hell walking down the street with your parents might be embarrassing at that age, let alone being seen in pajamas with your whole family!

I of course think it's shitty of the kids to be mocking them, but I think OP's child's response is totally appropriate at that age and shouldn't be puzzled why the child cares. I'm totally a give no fucks what anyone thinks type of person, but I don't think that started until my early to mid 20s. 

I was gonna say, I do not miss being that age. It took my until my 30s to get the fuck ‘em attitude and I wouldn’t go back for anything lol.

[VillainV]

Block the “friends” (they do not deserve to have access to your feed), and get permission from your teen before posting more stuff. She’s asked you to get her permission, and I think that shows a lot of maturity on her part. If she cares, the least you can do is honor her wishes.

I do think it’s worth a discussion with her about whether she thinks these comments are made with good intentions or bad intentions. Either one might feel embarrassing to her, but hopefully she can at least figure out if this good-natured commenting (even if it’s uncomfortable for her) or teasing/bullying. From there, she can decide if she wants to keep being friends with these people.