Post by helppleaseae on May 2, 2022 12:28:03 GMT -5
He does recognize his resentment and I appreciate that and the fact that he can verbalize it, as shitty as it is. I’ve asked him if he thinks it’s something he can get past, and he honestly said he didn’t know. For me, that is a deal breaker. I cannot live life like this and don’t want him to either.
I have a therapist but have lost touch since late last fall; I reached out today.
Post by letsgetweird on May 2, 2022 12:40:02 GMT -5
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Overall it sounds like your marriage and family life isn't in the best place and perhaps hasn't been for awhile. I'm not sure I would jump to accusing him yet as there's no real evidence but you're clearly sensing that something doesn't feel right.
Also on other's comments on his resentment. I don't think it's fair to say he can't be resentful because he has sex. He wanted a vasectomy and the OP pushed back on that. I think it's fair to feel resentment although I'm not sure what the solution is. Although he does not seem like he was a great partner or parent prior to the third child considering he's cold to the closest people in his life.
He does recognize his resentment and I appreciate that and the fact that he can verbalize it, as shitty as it is. I’ve asked him if he thinks it’s something he can get past, and he honestly said he didn’t know. For me, that is a deal breaker. I cannot live life like this and don’t want him to either.
I have a therapist but have lost touch since late last fall; I reached out today.
As a mother I would be focusing on the resentment he has for this child. Imagine growing up as a resentment? Fuck him. I would not care if he was having an affair or not. He'd be gone for the resentment alone@ Seems to me he may be using the child as an excuse.
This is rough! I can see how you would think infidelity is a possibility since he has told you he is dissatisfied with your home life and seems distant and behaving differently. It doesn’t sound like it’s your norm for him to be making plans with other people and not mentioning it to you. I know in my own life, our plans and who they are with comes up naturally because we live together and talk about our days and activities. We aren’t keeping track or anything, it’s just casual conversation. That might not be the case for everyone of course!
I agree therapy for you to get to the bottom of what you really want out of your relationship and life is a good idea. You can leave simply because you are unhappy. You can decide to work on your marriage with him if he is willing. Right now he doesn’t seem super open to discussing things with you or changing how he deals with things but maybe he would be open to couples therapy since he does admit there is a lot of resentment on his part? Does he want to move past that?
I can’t see confronting him alone with any information would be very productive. He seems defensive and/or dismissive in general and I don’t think in a place to discuss anything with you. I’d really try to get to the bottom of if either of you really can or want to move forward. It does not sound like a good situation for you or your children. Or him, TBH.
I'm glad you reached out to your therapist. Is he willing to talk to someone? To be evaluated for anxiety/depression? It can present in many ways.
For me, if my spouse was treating me shitty and resentful of our child and refused to get help, that would tell me all I need to know, affair wouldn't be the dealbreaker, we'd be there already.
He does recognize his resentment and I appreciate that and the fact that he can verbalize it, as shitty as it is. I’ve asked him if he thinks it’s something he can get past, and he honestly said he didn’t know. For me, that is a deal breaker. I cannot live life like this and don’t want him to either.
I have a therapist but have lost touch since late last fall; I reached out today.
As a mother I would be focusing on the resentment he has for this child. Imagine growing up as a resentment? Fuck him. I would not care if he was having an affair or not. He'd be gone for the resentment alone@ Seems to me he may be using the child as an excuse.
I think the bigger issue is not feeling resentful of their 3rd child. She said he's cold and standoffish to 2 of their children. If they haven't already, the children will start to notice that their sibling is being treated differently.
This man is cold to 3 out of the 4 members of his family. OP, I know you said your life looks perfect on paper but that doesn't matter, he is not giving your family what you need.
Ugh, that sucks. I do understand that he might feel resentful.
HOWEVER, the child is here and he has to accept it. It is not at all fair for him to take his feelings of regret out on the kids. IMO he needs to figure this out and decide how he can move forward with the life he now has without being a total jerk to his wife and kids. So if it were me, I would make that very clear to him. It would be a deal breaker for me to live like you are with no work on this from my H. Maybe he doesn't see this yet and it's possible that couples counseling or even just clear communication would get things back on track. But so far it doesn't sound like he's willing to do this work.
As for your insecurity, I can certainly understand why. I hope you are able to get back to feeling secure, by working with your H to restore your partnership or by moving on without him. But I do think counseling is a good start. If you are prone to anxiety, you might also work on addressing that in case it helps you feel more secure and assertive in getting your needs met.
I think you have received good advice about how to sort out your feelings now and moving forward. I would suggest it is also a good time to get a clear financial picture of your household, bills that are paid, savings, and account numbers. Even in the best of times you should have access to all of this! But now, I think you may feel better if you can have concrete facts and details. In some families, when a partner SAH, they stop seeing themselves as a financial contributor and loose touch with the finances. It might feel empowering to do that now. I hope everything is in good shape!
Unless he didn’t know you were between birth control methods, fuck him and his resentment. He knows how babies are made by kid 3. He needs to figure that shit out like an adult. You don’t get to pick and choose which kids get their parents love.
I’m sorry that everything is so heavy. I’m glad you’ve reached out to your therapist; that’s a really good first step.
I don't know if he's having an affair or not, but I've never seen someone suspect the person they're living with is having an affair and been wrong.
I was coming in to say this. I’ve been that wife who accused my then-husband of cheating and told I was crazy. I wasn’t.
I personally couldn’t live with the uncertainty of knowing what you know and not confronting him. I’d lay it all out there - the convo you found, the issues in your marriage, the resentment and see how receptive he is to individual and couples counseling.
Also, if you don’t want to do that - that’s ok. You can just be done. You and your kids deserve a healthy environment and that’s not where you are right now. Feel free to dm me. Sending lots of good thoughts your way. I know it may not feel like it now, but you and your kids will be ok.
As far as the text messages go unless you left out some details I don’t see where it says he was having an affair? Why did you accuse him of an affair before? Unless you have proof, then I wouldn’t say anything. My partner travels a lot and meets up with people (women included all the time) and I’ve never thought he was having an affair, so traveling and meeting someone doesn’t automatically equal an affair. He certainly could be having an affair but II think overall you all need to explore trust.
My STBX had a lot of female work friends over the years and I never ever thought he was having an affair until all of a sudden I was. I sensed whatever shift happened in him. I came across text messages between him and a female coworker that were completely innocuous on their own and someone he had known for a while, but for whatever reason I just knew they were having an affair and I was right. If this were a court of law, sure OP might need more ironclad proof, but I think she should trust her gut on this one. There may be people out there with personality disorders that are constantly paranoid their partner is cheating when they’re not, but I wholly believe the opposite is more common: partners desperately wanting to give their spouse the benefit on the doubt on why a suspicious situation is completely innocent.
He does recognize his resentment and I appreciate that and the fact that he can verbalize it, as shitty as it is. I’ve asked him if he thinks it’s something he can get past, and he honestly said he didn’t know. For me, that is a deal breaker. I cannot live life like this and don’t want him to either.
I have a therapist but have lost touch since late last fall; I reached out today.
It’s good that you’ve talked about it, and I imagine it must have been so hard for you to hear that. But “didn’t know” if he could hypothetically get past the resentment is not an acceptable answer. He should be working his ass off to get past it and being the best dad he can to all three, even if deep down he still feels it. You and your kids deserve better.
Post by MixedBerryJam on May 2, 2022 17:51:31 GMT -5
I may dd this And pdq, etc. But when I was a kid, maybe 10 if not younger, my mom mentioned to someone else, but within my earshot, that she really only ever wanted 2 kids (I was fourth of five and her 2nd pregnancy was twins so she had her magic number for like four minutes). I don’t want to go all Dr Phil here but that was one of my “defining moments” and I still struggle with that 55 years later. I can’t tell you what to do, of course, but your kids are going to pick up on the disparity, if they haven’t already, and it will change them on a very basic level. I wish you peace going forward, however things shake out. I’m really glad you’re looking into individual counseling. I think that will be much more helpful than marriage counseling to start. Good luck.
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
Personally, I would talk to him about it before he goes on the trip. If you think you want to salvage the marriage, I would call him out on this before something happens that he can't come back from. Whether the relationship is platonic or not, you are uncomfortable with how he's handling it and that means something too. If he wants to have female friends that you don't know, you two need to figure out how to be transparent enough about it so that everyone is comfortable.
That aside, I agree counseling for you and probably for both of you together is in order. It sounds to me like you both have an issue with the other that I'm not sure you can navigate on your own.
One thing about the affection/compliment stuff - you say he's never been like that. Why is it something that is an issue now, 15 years into the marriage? To some extent, if that's not who he is, it's not likely to change. He can certainly make more effort, but if he isn't someone who verbalizes affection and isn't a touchy person, it may never actually fulfil that need for you because you'll know it's not coming from his heart. And if it's consistent with how he's always been, I don't think it means he doesn't love you. Does he show love in other ways? Is he affectionate during your weekly sex? Do you think that you are more sensitive to this lately because you feel like things are off otherwise? You don't have to answer those questions, but those are things I'd think about.
Ah, fuck. I’m so sorry, OP. You are in the worst days right now. The shock will wear off and you can decide how you want to move forward. You are in control, you get to decide what’s best for your and for your kids. We are here for you.
I’m sure this isn’t the confirmation you wanted but I’m glad you know the truth and have support to move forward. You are not crazy, he’s been gas lighting you.
Post by Patsy Baloney on May 7, 2022 19:34:34 GMT -5
I am so, so sorry that he’s the shitbag you knew him to be. I had hoped your gut was wrong and you were just feeling insecure during a rough patch.
Take all the time you need. This process will be really hard and you’re going to need a lot of time and space to process and make decisions (which do not have to be made until you’re damn well ready). I’m rooting for you.
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus