Help: infidelity? (Updated)

[helppleaseae]

I am a mess and don’t know what to do, who to talk to or what to think.

TLDR: I found messages that could be completely okay between my H and someone I don’t know. Or they could be very bad. I don’t want to confront yet and I would rather monitor because I recently accused him of having an affair and was his response was that I am crazy.

He has never been touchy or complimentary of me, they’re my truest love languages and he knows this, so the result is I feel unloved almost constantly. In the last 6 months I’ve literally begged for simple touch like hugs, or really anything because I feel emotionally starved. I’ve fished for compliments (which I fucking hate) but he is still unwilling or incapable. He tells me I am asking too much or gets upset when “that hug three days ago” doesn’t count for anything. I feel like I am asking for bare minimum stuff, but am getting to a point where his lack of intimacy is a symptom of a much larger issue. We have sex once a week, pretty much as scheduled.

I’ve felt a seismic shift in our marriage recently and honestly don’t think he loves me. We had a deep conversation in the last couple of weeks where he admitted that he resents me for our 3rd kid because life is just fucking chaos all the time. I guess it was good in a way to put a finger on what I feel, but it made me so fucking angry because our 3rd child is incredible and brings me SO much joy; what do you fucking want me to do, sell her??!

He is touchy and complimentary with our one child who is his mini, but to no one else. He interacts with, but is fairly cold and standoffish to our other two kids. Other relevant facts: married 15ish years, I SAH, which contributes greatly my lack of self worth, young kids, one child with pretty significant health struggles.

According to these messages he is meeting this person when he goes OOT for work in two weeks. Even though messages are incomplete, it’s clear this person knows him well enough to know his work structure, bosses name and our child’s medical issues. They planned a call in the messages for when he would be driving for an extended period and the person is two hours behind us, but meeting him on the east coast. His work trip is only for him and a male colleague and seems unnecessary, further leading to my unease.

So now I am at an impasse. Do I somehow try to be normal for two fucking weeks, monitoring messages up until then? Do I confront him before they meet? Tell him he is making a mistake before? If it’s bad, I don’t know it hasn’t happened before but the messages feel new. Or maybe there is a platonic friendship with messaging inside the words with friends app, calls only on a work cell when away from home, and no mention of this person in any way at all and everything is totally in my head.

Please help me navigate this. Please.


Update: I was right. He lied, and lied and lied some more. I don’t know the extent, because I only know for sure what I did see. My therapist (before I confronted him) basically blew my mind and said that his withholding of love/connection/intimacy is a form of emotional abuse. I don’t know what to do from here so I jumped on a last minute flight to stay with my BFF for the weekend. I need space and time.

[lemoncupcake]

No matter what is or isn’t happening with this other person, it sounds like your marriage is in a really tough spot.

Assuming that this isn’t an affair, do you want to work it out with him? Do you have a plan on how you could make it on your own if you split?

And if it is an affair, I’m sure that changes the equation as well. But there’s a lot going on even before considering that.

[underwaterrhymes]

I think there are two issues here.

The first is that your spouse is not meeting needs, is aware that he’s not, and is not doing anything to change it. You (and the children he is less engaged with) are deserving of love and affection. Have you talked about pursuing counseling together? Do your kids see the discrepancies? Are you interested in saving this relationship?

It’s been a really challenging couple of years. Given you are a SAHM and one of your kids has health complications, I imagine it’s been a really lonely time for you, so I would encourage you to see a therapist on your own if you aren’t already. ❤️

I don’t know how best to approach the texts that you saw (which is the second issue). Could you ask him what his plans are while he’s on his business trip to see if he mentions any business meetings that could align? Can you Google the phone number that’s texting him or use White Pages? Is there a name attached with the texts? That’s where I would probably start to see if I could determine if this is someone he works with or is connected to professionally.

[underwaterrhymes]

Also, it takes both an egg and sperm to make a baby. He stuck his penis in your vagina so resentment towards you for a third child is pretty rich.

[helppleaseae]

A couple of followups. We are good partners and parents, and we don’t fight. I’ve never felt like I measured up but don’t know if that’s because he’s never told me as much or if it’s my own anxieties.

On paper we have the perfect marriage and perfect life but he is miserable and his resentment is palpable. He is the kind of person who wants to do everything well and is always setting new goals and challenges for himself/us. I honestly think he’s maybe never been happy but having that next thing to look forward to kept him going.

As for the third kid, he wanted a vasectomy and the permanency scared me. I opted for a mirena but had complications and had to have it removed. In the 6 weeks between removal and vasectomy I got pregnant unexpectedly.

[lemoncupcake]

The fact that you don’t fight isn’t the sign of a happy marriage and family. You and your kids deserve more than that

[sproctopus]

To underwaterrhymes point, he still doesn't get to be resentful towards you about a 3rd child, no matter the circumstances, because, I am assuming, the sex was consensual here. He has 2 other children; he knows the deal.

You deserve to be treated better. You also deserve therapy to help you see your worth.

Don't hold it in and sit on it. But also don't allow yourself to be gaslit by reasoning that invalidates your feelings. If you are not comfortable, he should consider that appropriately.

[Patsy Baloney]

I think it would be helpful for you to stop allowing your H to be the keeper of your self-worth.

May I ask why you’ve already accused him of an affair?

It sounds like you’re in a really rough place and generally feeling untethered in a storm. I think it would do you good to spend time building your confidence.

If he’s miserable, he doesn’t need to be making you miserable. He needs to address that.

[waverly]

The fact the messages are right now just friendship is a good sign. But meeting up in person and no mention is a bad sign. So maybe nothing had happened yet?

Anyway, I would suggest counseling for yourself and maybe marriage counseling if you want to work in the marriage and his resentment.

[wanderingback]

I would start therapy for yourself first. I’m sure it’s hard with kids but a lot of therapists do virtual appointments these days. After that I would work on couple’s counseling. There is a lot going on and a 3rd party can help.

I can’t tell if you’re thinking of divorce or not. If so, that’s ok too and you can also get a consult with a lawyer just to get an idea of what you might need to do in the future.

Sorry you’re going through this but it’s not your fault and you deserve happiness.

[wanderingback]

As far as the text messages go unless you left out some details I don’t see where it says he was having an affair? Why did you accuse him of an affair before? Unless you have proof, then I wouldn’t say anything. My partner travels a lot and meets up with people (women included all the time) and I’ve never thought he was having an affair, so traveling and meeting someone doesn’t automatically equal an affair. He certainly could be having an affair but II think overall you all need to explore trust.

[ECB]

One thing I'm sensing - you aren't happy, you see some of the flaws in your marriage (and I agree- not fighting does NOT equal a good marriage), but you seem to be kind of hanging your hat on "an affair" being a REAL sign of trouble, of being a "real" issue.

Everything else that you aren't happy about - all that is real too. All that is cause for concern.

I'm not saying this to pile on - I'm saying this to say "you aren't happy even w/o an affair in the picture- it's ok to own that and it's ok to start taking steps to find a solution".

You don't need for anything else to be going on to say "I'm not happy", to start seeing a therapist, to.... do whatever else you need to do to either fix the problems here or to end your marriage.

[Aloe Vera]

I would strongly suggest therapy for you. It sounds like you've been depreciating yourself and you need to regain your confidence and assertiveness. This will help you see clearer and help you clearly communicate your needs and wants to your H.
You have a lot on your plate and you deserve to be happy and feel loved by your partner.

[rebneen]

I don’t know the right answer, but if you’re suspicious, something is not right *somewhere*

Have you asked him to go to counseling? If you bring up that there’s a disconnect in the relationship and you want to work on reconnecting, what does he do?

I don’t think you should confront him because he gaslights you based on what you wrote.

An affair is probably not “the” problem here but one of many and more of a symptom of him looking at you as the problem he needs to escape vs working on the marriage.

You have a perfect marriage to others outside because you put your feelings aside to please him/keep the peace, but that is unsustainable for your own mental health and happiness and it doesn’t work forever to hold a marriage together. I do think individual counseling will help you a lot but if you want to know where he is, ask him to go with you first. If he says no or gaslights, I don’t think it matters if he’s having an affair (yet) or not.

[helppleaseae]

I accused him of having an affair because he is a creature of habit, almost to the point of OCD and one specific habit, packing lunch daily for 10+ years, changed drastically. In 2021 he spent over $3000 on eating out; when maybe 3-4 of those were date nights for us. Even though he could WFH he chose to go into the office 3-4 days a week. He is in a male dominated field, but always sought opportunities to work with a relatively new female and was always out to eat with her.

When I told him he needed to tread carefullly because their friendship was making me uncomfortable he treats me like I am crazy.

[campermom]

The whole “treats me like I’m crazy”.

Can you go back and search my posts and then message me if your comfortable with it.

I agree therapy for you and possibly the both of you but —and I say this as an actual mental health professional—there are nuances of gaslighting that many therapists do not pick up on and can actually make much worse. If gaslighting is not addressed in counseling, it can empower the gaslighter and damage the victim further. The other side is, if the therapist is skilled enough to see if and address it, he may “fire” them. That’s why it’s important to find someone skilled for yourself.

I’m here if you want to reach out privately.

[Patsy Baloney]

😕

I don’t know if that emoji is showing up for you, but that’s how your last post made me feel.

Something is not right. I don’t necessarily know that I would jump to cheating, but you’re feeling very insecure in your relationship, and that’s not ok. On some level, you have to take responsibility for how you’re feeling - recognize that sometimes you’re up in your feelings or your mind is spinning out. How you’re feeling may not be rational. On the other, your partner isn’t doing much to make you feel secure. He’s not being a good partner to you, whether he’s cheating or not. I would not spend time reading into his actions. It’s clearly causing you distress.

I would start on you. Find a sounding board, therapy, some self-help materials that get you to a better place. It sounds like your H could do the same, but that’s not on you to do for him.

[sofamonkey]

May 2, 2022 9:22:49 GMT -5 helppleaseae said:

I accused him of having an affair because he is a creature of habit, almost to the point of OCD and one specific habit, packing lunch daily for 10+ years, changed drastically. In 2021 he spent over $3000 on eating out; when maybe 3-4 of those were date nights for us. Even though he could WFH he chose to go into the office 3-4 days a week. He is in a male dominated field, but always sought opportunities to work with a relatively new female and was always out to eat with her.

When I told him he needed to tread carefullly because their friendship was making me uncomfortable he treats me like I am crazy.

There is a LOT going on here.

I’ll say that my H chose to go back to the office because it’s too chaotic to concentrate here for him. So, that part doesn’t strike me as odd. The complete change in behavior combined with the continuing dismissal of your feelings is a huge concern. Regardless of his affair status, your relationship has some major issues.

It also may feels like you’re looking for a “good” reason to intervene in order to make changes your H can agree with. You don’t need his approval for your feelings. Even if he disagrees with them, he should respect them.

If you can get some counseling for yourself, that would be a great place to start. But you need to be honest with your h too that you guys need some 3rd party help. He’s being very unreasonable with a lot of things. Even if there was a reason to be mad about kid #3, he’s taking it out on the kids, and all 3 can see the way he treats them very differently. Also, you say you don’t fight, but you’ve described several in your post, so what do you consider fighting??

[carmenere]

I don’t have answers to the questions in your OP but “Treats me like I am crazy” is a BIG red flag under any circumstance. Even if he’s not having an affair. That is very alarming.

As for resenting the third child, nope, he doesn’t get to just stew in his resentment and treat two of your kids as less than. He needs to get some counseling and sort that out.

[wanderingback]

Have you looked in to therapy for yourself?

[campermom]

Look for Gottman therapists…I can’t even emphasize how important this is

[court26]

I didn’t want to read and not comment, but all of my thoughts have been well-covered already. For one, I was in a loveless marriage where we never fought. No passion for the good or the bad. I think not fighting and being very unhappy is sadly, more common than many people think.

I also agree that you might benefit from counseling to hash out some of these things- with him or without. I know I would need to get my thoughts in order. Especially if he is trying to say you are crazy.

You (and your kiddos) deserve much better. I’m very sorry.

As for the work trip and possible affair- I don’t even know what I would do. I think I would likely continue to monitor the messages if I had access before saying or doing anything.

Again, I’m so sorry. You have gotten a lot of good advice here.

[foundmylazybum]

😬

As others have mentioned, there is a lot going on in your life.

Honestly, from my perspective, I think that we could be supportive here but as others have mentioned the most supportive suggestion I have is to work with a counselor, simply because there is a lot of complexity and there appears to be multiple problems and having an unbiased but professional and empathetic ear could be helpful to you.


Also, I have to say that there a few perspectives shared in here that are opinions and it's obvious they are personal opinions about THEIR experiences in counseling, not facts but they are presented as such.

There are not guarantees as to the outcomes in counseling and each person will have their own experience.

[sdlaura]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. ITA with PPs that I would pursue marriage counseling.

[doctoranda]

Many hugs, this all sounds awful to experience. Like so many people said, there seems to be a lot going on. The most concerning to me is the gaslighting and also the fact that when you tell him what you need he refuses to give that. Now an UO: the resentment on his part might be something he really needs to have recognized in order to make things run smooth again. People are mentioning he cannot be resentful because he helped make the baby but sometimes we do do things in a marriage we don't want to and yes this can lead to resentment. If unrecognized that this was actually not what he wanted that can lead to deterioration of a relationship. But clearly things are in such a state that you cannot come together to talk about that. I would not prioritize this to work on.

I think whether or not he is cheating is hard to answer but there is fertile grounds to suspect him given the state of the relationship. And given the state of the relationship he may also cheat. I am not saying it is justified but people are more likely to do so when their needs aren't met or they feel misunderstood. But they sometimes also forge strong friendships outside their marriage with a person who listens and gives them attention.

I second working on yourself, prioritizing your feelings, and communicate.

[cville]

May 2, 2022 10:15:09 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Have you looked in to therapy for yourself?

Agree this is an excellent first step.

OP, the issues now are all exacerbated by what looks like from your posts as a lack of confidence in/ability to trust yourself and your perceptions. No matter whether the facts are or aren't what you most fear, being able to understand and sort through your own feelings and affirming your self worth will make dealing with those facts easier.

[sadlebred]

I agree that counseling for yourself and couples counseling is the first step. It might help you sort out if you want to work on the marriage or call it quits.

[sofamonkey]

May 2, 2022 11:17:35 GMT -5 doctoranda said:

Many hugs, this all sounds awful to experience. Like so many people said, there seems to be a lot going on. The most concerning to me is the gaslighting and also the fact that when you tell him what you need he refuses to give that. Now an UO: the resentment on his part might be something he really needs to have recognized in order to make things run smooth again. People are mentioning he cannot be resentful because he helped make the baby but sometimes we do do things in a marriage we don't want to and yes this can lead to resentment. If unrecognized that this was actually not what he wanted that can lead to deterioration of a relationship. But clearly things are in such a state that you cannot come together to talk about that. I would not prioritize this to work on.

I think whether or not he is cheating is hard to answer but there is fertile grounds to suspect him given the state of the relationship. And given the state of the relationship he may also cheat. I am not saying it is justified but people are more likely to do so when their needs aren't met or they feel misunderstood. But they sometimes also forge strong friendships outside their marriage with a person who listens and gives them attention.

I second working on yourself, prioritizing your feelings, and communicate.

Sure he can have his feelings, but he can’t stay there. I think that’s more what is being said. It’s consuming him, and altering his behavior towards his kids and his wife. That’s not healthy for any of them.

[Jalapeñomel]

In case you need to hear this:

You don’t need a reason to leave.

[foundmylazybum]

May 2, 2022 11:17:35 GMT -5 doctoranda said:

Many hugs, this all sounds awful to experience. Like so many people said, there seems to be a lot going on. The most concerning to me is the gaslighting and also the fact that when you tell him what you need he refuses to give that. Now an UO: the resentment on his part might be something he really needs to have recognized in order to make things run smooth again. People are mentioning he cannot be resentful because he helped make the baby but sometimes we do do things in a marriage we don't want to and yes this can lead to resentment. If unrecognized that this was actually not what he wanted that can lead to deterioration of a relationship. But clearly things are in such a state that you cannot come together to talk about that. I would not prioritize this to work on.

I think whether or not he is cheating is hard to answer but there is fertile grounds to suspect him given the state of the relationship. And given the state of the relationship he may also cheat. I am not saying it is justified but people are more likely to do so when their needs aren't met or they feel misunderstood. But they sometimes also forge strong friendships outside their marriage with a person who listens and gives them attention.

I second working on yourself, prioritizing your feelings, and communicate.

Didn't the OP say that her husband had said pretty clearly that he did not want a third kid. Like they were taking actions (he was pushing for a vasectomy, she was on birth control-those are actions for prevention), and then he SAYS he is resentful this happened--at least from her posts, he recognizes his resentment.