Dad & Teen Son Butting heads

[onetruething]

My son and my husband seem to be butting heads more frequently these days. Mostly because my 16yo thinks he knows everything and feels as if my hubs is uncool and annoying. It's never anything major, but my husband just wants them to be close like they used to be. We have three teenage girls and none of them do this.

I'm open to any reccs- books, podcasts, anything...

[mcmel]

He’s a teenager figuring himself out. Give him space. When he moves out, have your H invite him on guys only trips and they will rekindle that bond.

[nancybotwin]

I’m the middle of the book The New Adolescence and I highly recommend. It could provide some helpful strategies for you and your husband to use during this time.

[emilyinchile]

My dad and I were kind of the same way when I was that age. I very much do not recommend our solution - my mom died in an accident, my dad flat out said we could either go through the shit as a team or at odds, and we've been super close ever since - but extrapolating to a situation that doesn't involve your demise is there something they do enjoy doing as a challenge together? Having that mentality of working together against an obstacle, even if it's only during a specific activity, might help.

Otherwise I think it's just a question of time. Looking back, I can see that my issue was growing into my opinions before I grew into the maturity to know when to back down, and that would have changed over time.

[ECB]

May 12, 2022 8:09:22 GMT -5 mcmel said:

He’s a teenager figuring himself out. Give him space. When he moves out, have your H invite him on guys only trips and they will rekindle that bond.

This.  I'm not saying don't find some good resources/books to help with strategies during these years, but this is 100% normal.  

[wanderingback]

I’m just impressed your other 3 teenagers aren’t like this! Now that seems abnormal I mean, aren’t most parents uncool and annoying Hopefully things improve over time like they do in many cases.

[onetruething]

Thanks everyone. I guess I needed to hear that this was normal. And wanderingback you're probably right that the girls do it too, just not to our faces, lol!!

[skidunks]

My husband and 13 yr old butt beads a lot because they are very similar but they also bond over things they do together so I suggest some good old bonding time. Mine like to go fishing, skiing, biking, driving fast on empty roads🤦🏼‍♀️.

[arielroux]

Time. My dad and I were so close when I was young, then the teenage and early 20s years hit and I knew everything. I was desperate to make my own decisions and be independent. My dad and I are very similar in temperament so it was a ROUGH time for he and I, and I know it really upset him. We are very close again now, and have been since I was probably mid20s.

I know that’s a long time from 16, but I also think fathers and daughters have a different dynamic, so hopefully the things your son is experiencing won’t last as long!

[mrsukyankee]

Totally normal. My brother and dad were like that and from young adulthood, they grew close again. It's actually developmentally necessary, in some ways.

[flex]

I have 3 sons and I totally get where you're coming from. I can't suggest books but I'd like to assure you that it mostly takes time. It's all a part of the growing up process. It will get better--I promise.

[puppylove64]

My teenager son and Dh constantly butt heads too. I think it is just the age. Don’t give up, it will pass

[ellipses84]

My stepson butted heads with both his parents as a teen. I always tried to be more like an aunt than a parent since he has 2 parents, so we got along well and I was often the buffer. It’s totally normal! It may take until his mid-20s or longer before he seeks out more parent quality time. Your DH can’t change your son’s behavior - it’s a phase and it will pass just like when he was a toddler. Your DH can change his own behavior and reaction. He can continue to be loving and caring without getting offended or upset if his efforts are rejected and keep trying, while consciously backing off and giving him space and independence.

Parenting a teen takes a different skill set and there’s a lot of pressure to make sure they are ready for the adult world. My DH is great with younger kids and they adore him, so he had a really hard time with a teen who no longer felt that way about him, and he had pretty tough expectations for SS. There were legitimate maturity issues but I told him realistically SS isn’t going to be where you were at 18, it may take him until he’s 25, and that’s ok because he has a supportive family who will be there for him (DH was emancipated from foster care at 16 and had to grow up too fast).

[cville]

My brother and dad had horrible fights when he was a teen. Both of them are the smartest man in the world, don't you know.

They still do argue on occasion, but both of them chilled markedly when my brother hit his mid 20s.

[Jalapeñomel]

Time

[mysteriouswife]

DD and I are the same. We are so much a like it causes issues

[bex1973]

May 12, 2022 13:34:40 GMT -5 mysteriouswife said:

DD and I are the same. We are so much a like it causes issues

Same. Except mine is only 9 years old. I've just resigned myself to navigating it for a looong while (sob).

[mysteriouswife]

May 12, 2022 15:41:53 GMT -5 bex1973 said:

May 12, 2022 13:34:40 GMT -5 mysteriouswife said:

DD and I are the same. We are so much a like it causes issues

Same. Except mine is only 9 years old. I've just resigned myself to navigating it for a looong while (sob).

Mine is 14. It’s been a long 14 years. She came out being stubborn. But gah I love her

[Deleted]

From 11-14yo it was rough for my dad, mom and I...hormones were crazy and i was getting burnt out from academics going to fast (didnt feel smart).

I thought I knew everything, and instead of finding ways to show that I can be independent or research on my own like I do now, I revolted.

To be honest, their rules werent unreasonable, they were ment to keep me safe, but my mom was uncomfortable with questions about sex etc so I didn't have anyone to talk to about private matters and my dad felt my mom would be better to speak woth about that stuff and more specifically why a boy may be showering/schmoozing me with attention out of no where. While I would love DH to have chats with DS about "boy stuff" it's just not his strong suit...for some reason it is for me and both kids seem to feel comfortable. The open line of communication is sooo important.

Today, I'm very close with my parents, my mom says I sound like my dad, lol. He had to learn to trust me again that I can make good decisions...but because of my teen choices this took time.

My advice, keep an open line of communication, also keep in mind your LOs attitude might be a combo of hormones and a sign he wants more independence and knowledge that you can trust him..I know easier said than done.

[fernweh]

May 12, 2022 13:34:40 GMT -5 mysteriouswife said:

DD and I are the same. We are so much a like it causes issues

My mom and I butted heads constantly from the age of 12 to about 22. The only time I butted heads with my dad was went he mentioned I couldn’t get along with my mother because we were exactly alike (for the record I still don’t think I’m anything like my mother).

OP:
It happens, it’s normal for teenagers. I would consider yourself lucky your other 3 aren’t similar and wait for it to pass.