Can I be a little judgmental here?

[Deleted]

Sorry, I know it's not nice.

I admit that I judge young couples who are very serious very early on. I worry that the women settle when this happens (for some reason I don't worry about guys? and I don't know any young male/male couples).

Two of my friends from college settled for guys I hate (and I think they hate). One was engaged two months after meeting him when she was 18. He is a former drug dealer who dropped out of school to live off his grandparents' money. He is racist and homophobic and posted something last night about "hating homos in green tights" and how he's lucky he's not at a bar because he would be beating the shit out of homos in green tights. I think it is a football reference?

I kind of want to call her and ask her what the fuck she's doing with him. He's disgusting and I'm embarrassed for her by continuing to link herself to him.

Please tell me you had friends like this and they came to their senses and didn't get married.

[ECB]

This isn't about young couples being serious early. It's about the fact your friend has HORRID taste and is probably too desperate to "hold on" to him.

[anna7602]

Sept 25, 2012 7:45:00 GMT -5 ECB said:

This isn't about young couples being serious early. It's about the fact your friend has HORRID taste and is probably too desperate to "hold on" to him.

This.

[Deleted]

Sept 25, 2012 7:45:00 GMT -5 ECB said:

This isn't about young couples being serious early. It's about the fact your friend has HORRID taste and is probably too desperate to "hold on" to him.

yeah, but she got with him because he was the first guy to show a real interest in her since high school.

I can't help but feel if she had dated around more and waited a few years, she never would have given him a chance.

and then she lost her virginity to him (after two weeks) and made it into a way bigger deal than it ever needed to be. I cannot tell you how many times I heard, "it's okay that we did it, because he's my FUTURE HUSBAND."

seriously, if you met this girl it wouldn't add up. she is tall, blond, skinny, sweet, and she's in grad school for psychology right now. she's pretty damn smart - except for when it comes to leaving this guy. it's seriously been four years. I'm starting to think she's never going to leave.

[takeonyou]

Ummm. I think it is more that your friend has bad taste in men or is a d-bag herself. This has zero to do with how young they were when they met.

I met dh at 19 (he was 22) and we had our first child by the time I was 23. Yes, we were young, but I was (and still am) madly in love with him. He isn't a homophobe or former drug dealer. It's been 11 years now and I am still proud to be with him.

[Awkward]

I've been known to judge this on occasion. A super sheltered girl I knew in college (who is still in college) is engaged to the very first douchebag she's ever gone on more than 2 dates with. After 5 months. Her e-ring is ugly, LOL.

And I lost one of my best guy friends when he proposed to a terrible witch after 3 months of dating. They're still married 2 years later, even if they are moving back in with his parents! Incidentally her e-ring was ugly too...

[takeonyou]

Sept 25, 2012 7:48:46 GMT -5 tacom said:

Sept 25, 2012 7:45:00 GMT -5 ECB said:

This isn't about young couples being serious early. It's about the fact your friend has HORRID taste and is probably too desperate to "hold on" to him.

yeah, but she got with him because he was the first guy to show a real interest in her since high school.

I can't help but feel if she had dated around more and waited a few years, she never would have given him a chance.

and then she lost her virginity to him (after two weeks) and made it into a way bigger deal than it ever needed to be. I cannot tell you how many times I heard, "it's okay that we did it, because he's my FUTURE HUSBAND."

seriously, if you met this girl it wouldn't add up. she is tall, blond, skinny, sweet, and she's in grad school for psychology right now. she's pretty damn smart - except for when it comes to leaving this guy. it's seriously been four years. I'm starting to think she's never going to leave.

That sounds like her religion guilted her into staying with the loser.

[ECB]

Sept 25, 2012 7:48:46 GMT -5 tacom said:

yeah, but she got with him because he was the first guy to show a real interest in her since high school.

Still- this isn't about getting serious too young. It's about people (often women) who have self-esteem issues and grab on to the first guy who pays them any attention.

And maybe mixed in w/ a little "societal pressure" that you're supposed to "grow up", get married, and start popping out babies - that you don't stop and relaly take into account WHO it is you're with. You just get yourself on this projectory of a life plan and don't stop to think about it.

[Deleted]

Sept 25, 2012 7:51:39 GMT -5 takeonyou said:

That sounds like her religion guilted her into staying with the loser.

well, that too. (*)

[Deleted]

Sept 25, 2012 7:52:32 GMT -5 ECB said:

Sept 25, 2012 7:48:46 GMT -5 tacom said:

yeah, but she got with him because he was the first guy to show a real interest in her since high school.

Still- this isn't about getting serious too young. It's about people (often women) who have self-esteem issues and grab on to the first guy who pays them any attention.

fair enough, but wouldn't you say your self esteem (and views on your own self worth) grew tremendously from 18 to, say, 23-25? and probably even more so in your late 20s?

listen, I'm not saying this is true for everyone. I'm young and in a serious relationship (and by my own parameters should judge myself, lol). but I do think that age can, and often does, play a role in this.

[ECB]

Sept 25, 2012 7:55:37 GMT -5 tacom said:

Sept 25, 2012 7:52:32 GMT -5 ECB said:

Still- this isn't about getting serious too young. It's about people (often women) who have self-esteem issues and grab on to the first guy who pays them any attention.

fair enough, but wouldn't you say your self esteem (and views on your own self worth) grew tremendously from 18 to, say, 23-25? and probably even more so in your late 20s?

listen, I'm not saying this is true for everyone. I'm young and in a serious relationship (and by my own parameters should judge myself, lol). but I do think that age can, and often does, play a role in this.

Absolutely. I don't disagree. But it's just the one example you gave us.... that really has nothing to do w/ them being young. Your friend is w/ a guy like that? That's not an "Oh, I'm 18 but in 4 years I'll be more mature and smarter" issue. That's an "I have no self esteem and will take ANY guy who comes along" issue.

I don't know your friend, but speaking in generalities, chances are even if she did ditch him - she'll find another loser to grab on to.

[Deleted]

I know a lot of women like that who are much older also. I think it's more common in younger women, I know my friends certainly dated some douchebags and put up with a lot of shit. That said, I have friends in their late 20's and early 30's that are the same way.

I met DH when I was young and I judged myself. lol

[ijack]

aren't you fairly young? I changed a little from 18 to 22, but most of my growth was after that.

[chia]

Don't worry, she'll probably come to her senses and get a divorce.
I'm 34, and most of the women I know who made this mistake have went through a divorce by now.

[Deleted]

I too assume the homos in green tights is a reference to the Packers. I completely disapprove of using that term, but I do think a lot of people toss it around (kind of like the word retard) without thinking too much about it so IDK if that alone indicates homophobia. It would seriously irritate me to read, though.

Anyway, I judge with you and I'll extend it to people who move too fast/get too serious at ANY age. I've known a lot of grown adults who move in together at 6 weeks and I wonder WTF they are thinking. Sadly many of them have kids which I think is what bugs me the most because it affects the kids if it isn't the right relationship. Occasionally people just meet the right person and get lucky that it works out, but I don't think that getting that serious that quickly is usually a good idea for most people.

[Deleted]

My friends who married assholes started dating them in their early- to mid-20s, married them, and are now divorced. I don't think it is an age thing (or at least it isn't something that is cured by the early 20s) -- some girls date assholes for various reasons (self-esteem issues, the guy has a lot of money, the guy is really hot, etc.)

[Deleted]

Sept 25, 2012 8:13:48 GMT -5 ijack said:

aren't you fairly young? I changed a little from 18 to 22, but most of my growth was after that.

Same here.

[heyrebekah]

Sept 25, 2012 8:13:48 GMT -5 ijack said:

aren't you fairly young? I changed a little from 18 to 22, but most of my growth was after that.

It's like you read my mind.

[Deleted]

This guy sounds like a loser. Of course you hate him. But that doesn't have anything to do with his age or her's right? If instead he had all the qualities that you think your friend derserves in a partner - kind, intelligent, funny, tolerant, etc., etc. - would you still judge her for being serious about him?

[bunnysmom]

I agree with others that this is not an age thing. People of all ages make stupid mistakes and rush relationships just for the sake of not being alone. There are people who can't stand being single and desesperately need someone to love them, even if that someone isn't the right one. My own mom did this and she was 55, so definitely not young!

[mbcdefg]

I don't personally know anyone who married really young, but I knew several girls in college who always referred to their boyfriends (usually after only dating a month or two) as their "fiances." None of those relationships are still standing. They also didn't involve a ring or serious wedding plans, so they weren't real engagements although those girls loved to tell people that they were having a loooong engagement, lol.

When I hear of really young couples who are actually engaged and actually planning a wedding, I judge the parents moreso than the kids for letting their children go ahead with such nonsense. It's natural for teenagers to be in puppy love and think that they and their SO are soul mates, but my parents would've smacked me if I referred to my boyfriend (now MH) as my "fiance" to other people. Had he been a dirtbag, they would've straight-up forbade me to see him anymore.

[knitty]

Personality, not age. My friends who were into arseholes as teenagers are still into them in their 30s.

[Deleted]

Sept 25, 2012 9:18:37 GMT -5 heyrebekah said:

Sept 25, 2012 8:13:48 GMT -5 ijack said:

aren't you fairly young? I changed a little from 18 to 22, but most of my growth was after that.

It's like you read my mind.

yup.

I got married at 25 and met DH at 23, so I was young too. However, I definitely did most of my growing AFTER I got married, though.

[froggy76]

I agree it's not about age, but more about self-esteem (which can improve with age.) I've been with DH since I was 18 and he is wonderful. My friend with low self-esteem, OTOH, got married around 28 and she totally settled for the first guy who would marry her. He's an asshole.

ETA: I do kinda judge young couples who are SOOO in love and are going to be together FOR.EVER, though, whether the guy is a jerk or not. DH and I got together young and were pretty crazy about each other, but I still realized it was a leap to think that my BF at 18-years-old would be MH someday.

[Deleted]

Meh I know far more guys that have fallen for stupid girls than the other way around.

[rex]

It sounds like your friend has low self-esteem or no self-respect.

It's not because she's young. She's just being stupid.

[milkrations]

Sept 25, 2012 8:11:52 GMT -5 papiercherri said:

I met DH when I was young and I judged myself. lol

Me too! I met H when I was 19. He was my first real boyfriend. We were married when I was 25 and I thought I was naive for, a) marrying my first boyfriend, and b) marrying so young. But, 8 years later, we are still happily together.

[Deleted]

Oh, my sweet tacom.

You are young, too. LOL.

[laptopvixen]

I think it's very unfair to judge young couples in general when it's abundantly clear that your friend in particular married an asshole.

[laptopvixen]

And plenty of women over 30, 40 and 50, etc. feel like shit about themselves, and marry and stay with assholes.