Slogging through life

[gummybear]

H and I were discussing how we feel we are just slogging through life right now. We decided it's good we both feel this way, I guess, instead of just one of us. I was wondering if anyone could relate, or if anyone has gotten through something like this.

I am neither sad or depressed. I am anxious, but that's just part of me, never to change. I am medicated (300 mg Wellbutrin) and mentally I actually feel pretty damn great. I do not feel unloved, unappreciated, lonely or restless. I want for nothing, we are settled and secure financially. Our health and that of our children is good. Our families are fine. Our jobs are secure and neither of us feel the need to work too hard or progress any further than we have - we have nothing to prove. We have friends. We exercise and eat well. We get out of bed easily, dress and look presentable each day. 

I just feel nothing. I can't describe it any other way. I don't want excitement. I don't want to go out and do things. I don't want to travel. I don't want romance or sex or anything like that. I am just here. Every day is just a series of going through the motions, a never ending list of things we have to do, slogging along and just attending to our responsibilities. Even mundane things we used to enjoy, we don't find interest in them anymore. I want to eat a nice dinner out but I don't feel like dealing with people, getting dressed up, driving anywhere etc. I want to see things but I don't want to arrange a plane trip or long car ride. 

MH and I love each other very much and we have a great relationship with our kids. There are no underlying issues. We're both just so...tired. I can't describe it any other way. I think it has a lot to do with the ages of our kids. Every waking moment is spent shuttling them around and just doing THINGS. We don't resent it, but we can never just be in the moment bc there's always something to do or somewhere to go. Every time we turn around there are demands for our time. Not just the kids, everywhere. Family, neighbors, work, school etc.  My empty nest coworkers tell me this is normal and then the kids are gone and abruptly everything comes to a screeching halt. I don't know if I want that either though. It's just a very unsettled feeling.

[bittybomb]

A lot of this resonates me. I presume because of the season of life we are in with our children as well. I keep reminding myself these things like shuttling every one all over the place will soon end, and people tell me I will miss it.

When trudging through my mundane life, I like to look forward to things. Holidays, vacations, parties, anything really. Tonight I'm looking forward to walking the dog with my husband, lol.

We have two weeks until the start of school (well my brand new high schooler has his orientation next week for 3 days before the rest of the school joins them), and I am struggling hard now because I really thrive in a routine. Summer is great, until its not, and I really miss my structured, albeit busy af, days.

[mae0111]

I feel like this a lot, and I've had trouble articulating it. My situation is different than yours - there are things that make me unhappy about my life, and there's really nothing that can be done to change them.

But I describe life as something that I have to get through. There's nothing I really want (other than to change a few key things that can't change), but life is very... blah. And there's nothing to really look forward to - even years away.

And I feel the same way about demands on my time. Things get so, so busy in the fall, and I'm flying solo a lot. There are demands to see my parents, school demands, job demands, kid demands (and all of the things related to kid demands - reciprocity for kids being hosted for different events, carpooling, etc).

Sometimes a quick weekend away with DH will help these feelings temporarily. It's long enough to push pause on reality and just reconnect with him. But the logistics of getting there is tough - finding a sitter, finding a place to go, arranging carpools while we are away, etc. And sometimes even that's enough to say "Nah, forget it."

All this to say that I understand how you feel. It's... a weird feeling for sure.

[mrspez07]

Yup.
Total commiseration.
I go through periods of this, when I’m too tired to do anything but get through what is in front of us. I do tend to pop out of it here and there, so maybe just embrace the sameness for now?

ETA: I also had some feelings a few years back that I was just going to be average and live an average life. It was depressing . But then I made myself come to terms with as long as I was remembered as a kind and loving mom/wife/friend, I’d have to be ok with it. When you are in your 20s there is this anticipation of being great or the best at something, changing the world, etc, but most of us just aren’t going to do that, so being the best I can be in the little world I have is all I can do.

[sdlaura]

I think everything you've written is so common when you have little kids, and it's great that you and your husband are on the same page and overall generally happy.

For me, I need things to look forward to that I enjoy. Sometimes they arrive and I don't really feel like doing them, but if I have the set plans then I usually do, and I always feel better after.

In terms of practical things - it has helped DH and I to each have a weekend morning that is ours, even just for a few hours. DH gets Saturday mornings and I get Sunday mornings. We have four kids with activities, but it still usually works out for us to have our mornings at least until say 10 am most weekends - one of us will just take the other kids with us to whatever activity one of the kids has. He typically just sleeps really late, and I usually sleep in a little bit and then go for a long run. The other person completely handles the kids. We could also just lock the bedroom door and read or stare at the ceiling or whatever - it's just nice to know we have that time. We've done this for 10 years now since our first kid was born, and regularly meet other people who are like "I wish we could do that too" and I'm like "well, you can..."

Also we used to have - and need to start again - a standing every other weekend date night. Sometimes we just get a drink and then go to Target together. But having it pre-set means we do something together, and that ends up being really good.

[abs]

I can totally relate. Every person in my house was feeling this way earlier this summer. I couldn't figure it out. There was nothing we could really point to as being an issue. It wasn't that we were unhappy but more like we were all just languishing. I felt guilty for it because we took a wonderful vacation in June and had no reason to feel so down but your brain does what your brain wants to do. We solved it by taking another vacation. It was a financial stretch but worth it. Seriously the second we had something to look forward to the fog lifted and all three of us were so much happier.

Now that I have some distance from that awful July and school has started again I think it was SAD. I seriously hate summer. I hate the lack of routine. I hate the heat. I hate the humidity. I hate the bugs. I hate being in a constant state of sweat. This summer we were setting heat records daily in June and July and I really think that was the cause of my completely poor attitude about everything.

It's also been a pretty terrible almost 3 years. Give yourself some grace.

[gummybear]

Aug 22, 2022 14:25:34 GMT -5 sdlaura said:

I think everything you've written is so common when you have little kids, and it's great that you and your husband are on the same page and overall generally happy.

For me, I need things to look forward to that I enjoy. Sometimes they arrive and I don't really feel like doing them, but if I have the set plans then I usually do, and I always feel better after.

In terms of practical things - it has helped DH and I to each have a weekend morning that is ours, even just for a few hours. DH gets Saturday mornings and I get Sunday mornings. We have four kids with activities, but it still usually works out for us to have our mornings at least until say 10 am most weekends. He typically just sleeps really late, and I usually sleep in a little bit and then go for a long run. The other person completely handles the kids. We could also just lock the bedroom door and read or stare at the ceiling or whatever - it's just nice to know we have that time.

Also we used to have - and need to start again - a standing every other weekend date night. Sometimes we just get a drink and then go to Target together. But having it pre-set means we do something together, and that ends up being really good.

I def. think we need to set time for us to just be alone together. It's hard, esp. bc the older one is about to turn 15 and has a social life (but can't drive). We walk the dog together a lot and that is nice. 

Here's a tangent. I was a runner for most of my adult life. I love distance running. I used to do a long run every weekend. Running long distance is like meditation to me - once I get past the discomfort I would kind of go into this trance-like state. My brain would turn off. I have Achilles tendonosis now, which is chronic and degenerative. This of course is the result of 25 years of running. But, I am physically incapable of distance running now. It's kind of left a void in my life. Nothing else can take it's place (I cannot actually meditate or do yoga or anything that requires being still). The ONLY thing that compares is being underwater. I was watching My Octopus Teacher yesterday and I wanted to jump through the screen and be underwater. I live in PA - being underwater is not an option on a regular basis

[gummybear]

Aug 22, 2022 14:30:05 GMT -5 abs said:

I can totally relate. Every person in my house was feeling this way earlier this summer. I couldn't figure it out. There was nothing we could really point to as being an issue. It wasn't that we were unhappy but more like we were all just languishing. I felt guilty for it because we took a wonderful vacation in June and had no reason to feel so down but your brain does what your brain wants to do. We solved it by taking another vacation. It was a financial stretch but worth it. Seriously the second we had something to look forward to the fog lifted and all three of us were so much happier.

Now that I have some distance from that awful July and school has started again I think it was SAD. I seriously hate summer. I hate the lack of routine. I hate the heat. I hate the humidity. I hate the bugs. I hate being in a constant state of sweat. This summer we were setting heat records daily in June and July and I really think that was the cause of my completely poor attitude about everything.

It's also been a pretty terrible almost 3 years. Give yourself some grace.

I despise summer too, for all the reasons that you mention. Every single one. Fall and winter bring me great joy so hopefully I will perk up.

I also wonder if it's Covid fallout. Not only that, but we had a traumatic end to grade school for DD1. It brought us as a family closer together, and it strengthened my sense of self in that I became the type of person I always wanted to be, but it was AWFUL. In a way I think that now that it's mostly settled down, we are dealing with a little of PTSD from it and all our emotion has been sucked away.

[bee20]

I was discussing with my partner that we both feel this way. We don't have kids but we've both had some losses and health issues recently, so perhaps its situational.

However, a lot of friends have reported feeling similarly. In our region at least Covid is still impacting events and planning, and so things we usually have to look forward to (a specific festival, an annual overseas girls trip) get planned and then cancelled in waves. At this point I have a couple tentative things on the calendar, but it's very possible they'll get cancelled or some critical attendees won't come, so I'm not as excited as I usually would be.

We just took a spontaneous weekend trip to the next town over that was very low key but both of us said it was what we needed.

[abs]

Aug 22, 2022 14:37:43 GMT -5 gummybear said:

Aug 22, 2022 14:30:05 GMT -5 abs said:

I can totally relate. Every person in my house was feeling this way earlier this summer. I couldn't figure it out. There was nothing we could really point to as being an issue. It wasn't that we were unhappy but more like we were all just languishing. I felt guilty for it because we took a wonderful vacation in June and had no reason to feel so down but your brain does what your brain wants to do. We solved it by taking another vacation. It was a financial stretch but worth it. Seriously the second we had something to look forward to the fog lifted and all three of us were so much happier.

Now that I have some distance from that awful July and school has started again I think it was SAD. I seriously hate summer. I hate the lack of routine. I hate the heat. I hate the humidity. I hate the bugs. I hate being in a constant state of sweat. This summer we were setting heat records daily in June and July and I really think that was the cause of my completely poor attitude about everything.

It's also been a pretty terrible almost 3 years. Give yourself some grace.

I despise summer too, for all the reasons that you mention. Every single one. Fall and winter bring me great joy so hopefully I will perk up.

I also wonder if it's Covid fallout. Not only that, but we had a traumatic end to grade school for DD1. It brought us as a family closer together, and it strengthened my sense of self in that I became the type of person I always wanted to be, but it was AWFUL. In a way I think that now that it's mostly settled down, we are dealing with a little of PTSD from it and all our emotion has been sucked away.

I really do think there is Covid fallout/PTSD going on.  SO SO many friends have reported feeling the same way.  I think we are all just mentally and emotionally exhausted and don't even know what is next.

[sdlaura]

Ugh gummybear, I totally get it with the absence of running. I need that free range time for my mind and even other types of exercise like the Peloton don't provide the same thing.

Is there a YMCA or other indoor pool near you that you could join an adult swimming club or something?

[gummybear]

Aug 22, 2022 14:50:55 GMT -5 sdlaura said:

Ugh gummybear , I totally get it with the absence of running. I need that free range time for my mind and even other types of exercise like the Peloton don't provide the same thing.

Is there a YMCA or other indoor pool near you that you could join an adult swimming club or something?

There is, but I pay so much for my gym already I don't know if I could swing another membership. One of our clients at work is a scuba shop and I was thinking of maybe taking a class or two. It would pique my interest and also give me the opportunity to plan vacations that center around being underwater.

[sdlaura]

Aug 22, 2022 14:53:29 GMT -5 gummybear said:

Aug 22, 2022 14:50:55 GMT -5 sdlaura said:

Ugh gummybear , I totally get it with the absence of running. I need that free range time for my mind and even other types of exercise like the Peloton don't provide the same thing.

Is there a YMCA or other indoor pool near you that you could join an adult swimming club or something?

There is, but I pay so much for my gym already I don't know if I could swing another membership. One of our clients at work is a scuba shop and I was thinking of maybe taking a class or two. It would pique my interest and also give me the opportunity to plan vacations that center around being underwater.

That's a great idea - I've also found that learning something new/doing something outside my comfort zone can pull me out of a funk. Bonus if your DH was interested too and you could learn something new together. Often just calling and scheduling the lesson gives me something to look forward to and makes me feel happier/more productive.

[namasteak]

I can considerate.

Have you tried any meds except Wellbutrin? When I was just on Wellbutrin my anxiety was really high and that’s apparently somewhat common. I’m now on a lower dose of that and added Zoloft.

[gummybear]

Aug 22, 2022 15:19:41 GMT -5 namasteak said:

I can considerate.

Have you tried any meds except Wellbutrin? When I was just on Wellbutrin my anxiety was really high and that’s apparently somewhat common. I’m now on a lower dose of that and added Zoloft.

I've been on Paxil. I'm actually ok anxiety wise, at least comparatively. When it's bad it mostly affects sleep and I've found some solutions for that. What I like about the Wellbutrin is it kind of is like a 2 for 1 - I don't need to take anything for my ADHD

[waverly]

The first few sentences of your third paragraph kind of read like depression even though you say you are not depressed. I guess a lack of caring and feeling numb can also be an indicator even if there is no sadness. As for the nice dinner, we don't actually get dressed up- we just show up in pretty normal clothes that we wore all day already. I get there is a lack of wanting to maybe plan it, but sometimes I will pick up that slack and plan or DH will so it's not just one more thing we have to do.

Your last paragraph honestly reads like a lack of sleep. Can you work on the sleep part? And a lack of saying no, maybe? There doesn't seem to be clear boundaries with your time. I'm in a busy season right now, and kind of excited but kind of cranky about it, but I would say summer wasn't really that busy as in every night busy, so I had enough down time. And if it gets too bad, I will schedule an entire day or even weekend where I have no plans. This sentence is where I am getting that from, "we can never just be in the moment bc there's always something to do or somewhere to go. Every time we turn around there are demands for our time. Not just the kids, everywhere. Family, neighbors, work, school etc. "

So I wonder if you say no to something once a day or even once a week, just remove one thing from your schedule. In the case, of the to- dos if you are always doing than you never have downtime, so I recommend batching it. For example, Saturday and Sunday mornings (unless a sporting event), I do nothing until about 10:30 am. I force myself to drink coffee and sit on the couch. Otherwise, I am just angry cleaning and who wants to do that or be around that? Practice saying no to your kids, your family, your neighbors. Work is harder, but have firm time boundaries for example, after 5:30pm you are done.

I see your responses talking about seasonality and that can definitely play a role, and also the trauma of Covid and other things. I think the trauma has to be actively worked through, and I have done some of that with the Covid related trauma through reflection on anniversaries, I made one of those Shutterfly books, we've talked through the trauma. And if that is still an issue after doing some of your own, maybe you might want to seek out a therapist to get you back on track. Therapy is not something I really want to do often, but can be a good resource if you are stuck.

And don't get me wrong, I do slog or it can be a slog, but generally I guess right now, I still have some excitement for some of the things I am doing. And if it's something like cleaning my house, I think recognizing hey this task sucks, and I dislike it is helpful differentiating it from other tasks that don't suck as much and actively trying to make it better by listening to a podcast of dancing to music or something like that.

[gummybear]

waverly it has crossed my mind that there is a low level of depression going on, esp. with H. It's definitely a possibility. And while I don't LIKE feeling this way, my nonchalant attitude has helped in a way. I used to be someone who obsessed over everything and thought too much - about what I was doing, if people were mad at me, that something bad was going to happen...now I can brush things off MUCH more easily. It's kind of hard to articulate. I guess a good example would be when I went to Cape May earlier this summer. Old me would be anxious, about the kids, about the hotel, about packing, about driving, about my parents, about where'd we go and what we would eat etc. I'd work myself up so much. This year I didn't even think about anything until the night before. I threw some stuff in a bag and just went. And I had a much more relaxing time than I'd ever had. So while I didn't "care" like I had in the past, in the long run it was OK? Does that make any sense?

We DO have severe issues with saying no and boundaries. I am wracked with guilt, esp. with my parents, that our time together is limited. I feel so bad saying no. We've cut down a bit on activities and I'm hoping high school will have a little less parental involvement, so hopefully that will help. Socially we've gotten much better at saying no and have found people who respect our tendencies to be low-key homebodies.

ETA: Sleep. Ah. I can't sleep unless I medicate. I'm off Rx and using cannibis now which is working like a charm. I sleep roughly 7-9 a night once I fall asleep.

[melmo1122]

I feel like that and I don't have a partner or kids. I pretty much work and go home during the week. Pre-covid I went to the gym and took a fun dance class and had a bunch of friends there but my location closed and I just can't get it up to find a new place and meet new people. On the weekends I hang out with my sister and her kids and make them go to the pool with me to get some sunshine and fresh air. I used to love going shopping and just wandering around stores and I haven't done that in about a year. I just feel blah. This summer I forced myself to go to a bunch of concerts because it's something I love doing and makes me happy once I'm there but sometimes it was hard to make myself get there. I know I should probably be out there dating but the thought of having to go out and talk to guys, just no. lol

[ssmjlm]

I think being ok with the status quo isn't necessarily a bad thing. Obviously if there are health issues at play, it's different, but I don't think everyone needs to be go go go/next shiny thing all the time.

DH and I had a long conversation about our 10 year plan and what that means. We don't plan to move and we would like to do some improvements to our house, but otherwise, we're happy where we are. Work wise we're both a bit "stuck" and think a change would be beneficial, but also don't necessarily want to rock the boat, because what's on the other side?

[waverly]

gummybear, oh for sure, sometimes not caring/ or more like not fretting can be very freeing. And that might be coming from experience/ growth/ age or maybe like you said you just don't have time to worry. We typical don't plan out vacations (besides accommodations) ahead of time because we don't have the bandwidth and just deal with it when we get there. Also, we find as the kids get older we don't have to care as much because we aren't in the stages of bringing all the baby gear, and they cry all night, and they will cry if they aren't fed/ snacks right away. Now, that mine are 12 and 9, they are so easy, and if they have needs they can wait for food, water, bathroom until we can get to it.

As for the parents, maybe there is something there that needs to be explored more. If you are a caregiver, that can be exceedingly draining. And even if not, if they are counting on you for everything.... Maybe there is something you can do to outsource the things you don't like that you do for them (cleaning, lawn work, handyman, driving, caregiving)and to concentrate on what you like to do with them that is more fun.

[sdlaura]

Also, re: not being able to swing another gym membership…if being underwater makes you as happy as you describe - you should do it anyway if it wouldn’t present a significant financial hardship. YOLO and all!

[sapphireblue]

Such an interesting topic!

I also relate to your feelings, and I would say that the few close friends I have where we share feelings at this level would relate as well. For me, I think it is feeling stuck in a routine that I can't really change in the foreseeable future. Going to work, coming home, dealing with children, having a couple of hours for myself after their bedtime, go to sleep, get up, go to work....

Since I also have ADHD that is untreated atm, making plans feels overwhelming.

I know people that have been able to embrace some sort of completely new hobby/interest that grabbed a lot of their focus and time and was exciting to them. I'm thinking of the mother of one of my college friends who began showing a certain breed of dog and very involved in that world, someone who learns an entirely new craft, and things become exciting again for them.

Another woman began doing walking marathons, so she was always researching new training routes, hired a trainer, and would travel around and participate in these...so in some cases, it seems like some types of people embrace this new world that comes with equipment and enthusiasists and groups and meetings and a learning curve, so that fills a gap.

I know I'm no help, I'm in the slog right now. I'm not unhappy, it all just feels a bit boring and yet keeps going on.

[sapphireblue]

I am fascinated by the stories of people who have realized something similar and made a big change.

I knew a family in Vermont, got to know them a bit because they owned and ran the only store/gas station for miles around. The town I lived in was on top of a mountain and had a population of 500.

Turns out they had lived in CT, close to NY. She and her husband both worked busy full-time jobs, and they had two teens who were busy and had all sorts of commitments on top of school. They realized that they never saw each other and weren't really happy, they were just running around trying to keep up with everything, so they quit their jobs, bought the property in Vermont, that came with the business and a house attached.

[goldengirlz]

I can’t tell from your post whether you’re actually upset about this or feel like you should be. Because there’s nothing inherently wrong with being stagnant.

I’ve definitely had times in my life when I felt like things were “boringly perfect,” when all I did was shuttle around from activity to activity without any larger point to it all. There’s even a word for it: ennui.

It has NEVER lasted though. Sometimes I’d force things along by deciding to make a major life change — or sometimes a major life change would just happen to us.

One last thought: if you think this is pandemic-related, I’d highly recommend a book called Transitions by William Bridges. After any life upheaval, it’s normal to go through a period that Bridges calls “the neutral zone,” where you feel like you’re in a holding pattern while your brain processes all the change and figures out what to do next. He explains it better than I just did and it really resonated with me after my dad died.

[minzy]

To take just a tiny sliver of this, and as someone who got a bit back into swimming the last year plus, I’d say to get at least a day pass and just sink into the rhythm of some laps. It is kind of the equivalent of a long run for me. It clears my head the same way and I love that I’m unavailable when I’m in the pool - no texts, no onslaught of life, no “MOMMM” - just me and the back and forth for the better part of an hour.

[fryjack2]

I have thoughts of, “what the heck is the point of all this?” Often.

I have a great husband, healthy fun kids, great friends, a social life that is coming back to what it was pre covid, very stable careers, and well paid jobs that allow us to live the life we live.

Yet, like goldengirlz said, I have a sense of ennui, for sure.

Im juggling a lot (work, grad school, kid activities, committees, coaching, training for road races, and regular life tasks) and when I have a few free hours, I feel a bit lost.

Meditating is tough for me as well. My brain doesn’t really shut off.

I always feel like i should be doing more or being more something. I always have some goal that I’m working towards.

H is content with where life is and tells me I need to figure out how to just be. It’s just not that easy for me. Maybe when the kids are grown and I’m not working 50 hour weeks and can just hang out on a boat, I can just be. And be content.

If you find the secret to that, let me know

[Deleted]

Aug 22, 2022 15:41:06 GMT -5 melmo1122 said:

I feel like that and I don't have a partner or kids. I pretty much work and go home during the week. Pre-covid I went to the gym and took a fun dance class and had a bunch of friends there but my location closed and I just can't get it up to find a new place and meet new people. On the weekends I hang out with my sister and her kids and make them go to the pool with me to get some sunshine and fresh air. I used to love going shopping and just wandering around stores and I haven't done that in about a year. I just feel blah. This summer I forced myself to go to a bunch of concerts because it's something I love doing and makes me happy once I'm there but sometimes it was hard to make myself get there. I know I should probably be out there dating but the thought of having to go out and talk to guys, just no. lol

Just want to say the same - no kids or a partner. 

I think part of it is that my job is stagnant (we’re being acquired) and I don’t want to plan any international travel (my passion) because it’s so much work and unknown due to Covid. It just feels like I’m going through the motions right now. I’m not unhappy but I’m not happy/excited/passionate like I used to feel. 

[flatlan]

gummybear have you ever tried a float tank? It took me a little bit to shut off my mind, but once I did, it was amazing. I left there feeling like I had a nap and a massage all at once. Just complete relaxation.

[gummybear]

Aug 22, 2022 19:58:26 GMT -5 flatlan said:

gummybear have you ever tried a float tank? It took me a little bit to shut off my mind, but once I did, it was amazing. I left there feeling like I had a nap and a massage all at once. Just complete relaxation.

No! I need to find out more about this

[goldengirlz]

Re: meditating

It’s one of those things that takes practice. In fact, if you do guided meditation, they tell you that the trick is not about shutting off your mind and thinking about nothing — most people’s minds will wander because that’s how minds work. But it’s the process of pulling yourself back to the meditation again and again that’s what’s important. That’s the skill you’re trying to master so that you start to do it effortlessly whenever your mind starts spiraling during times of stress.

At any rate, I had to stop running too because it was too hard on my body and I replaced it with hiking and biking. I realized that just getting out into nature and moving my body was what did it for me. But meditation has helped there too — I try to take a “mindful minute” whenever I’m exercising to kind of nudge myself into that zone.