Oh, and just as clarification the marks are all things like: off task, skipping on the way back from lunch, touching the wall on the way to lunch, and my personal favorite “holding a pencil while the teacher was speaking (should have been laid on his desk).”
WTF to all of these. I would burn it down AND insist that he be moved. And I would bring this documentation to the meeting so that the principal and guidance counselor can see the ridiculousness.
I am so sorry for your loss, and of course your child deserves some grace.
First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss and holding you in the light as you and your family continue to navigate your grief and trauma.
As for your question, I don't think you need to burn it down, but certainly it's appropriate to ask for a meeting with the teacher. As a teacher, I can't imagine hearing this story from a family of a child in my class and responding in any way except for "I'm so sorry. Please let me know how I can support you all." At the very least, she should be able to recognize that this is a child screaming for help and work out a plan to support him when he needs it (through a counselor at school, or a plan to give him a break). I would definitely fill her in -- she might not know what's happening, and her reactions might be coming from a place of assuming something else is going on that "strictness" can help with (when in this case, I think it's clear that your baby needs love).
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
Post by gretchenindisguise on Sept 22, 2022 10:49:20 GMT -5
If the meeting with the teacher and principal isn’t positive, I would have zero issues pushing for a teacher switch to a more compassionate teacher. There are times when kids need to learn how to deal with difficult teachers. This is not that year for your kids.
Oh goodnesss, first off I think I know what story you are talking about in regards to your family. It was local to me and the story still haunts me. I am so so, sorry for your loss.
I would absolutely be pushing for everyone to give your child space and grace. It sounds like you all are very proactive parents and that is what the school should be appreciating. Is asking for a teacher change out of the question?
Shame on that teacher. She is not the appropriate teacher for your child at this time. If she cannot provide compassionate instruction, they need to find a teacher who can.
Post by penguingrrl on Sept 22, 2022 11:12:25 GMT -5
I’m so incredibly sorry for your losses.
Ditto WTFaulkener about meeting with the school about this. They need to understand the level of trauma the entire family is experiencing right now, and to have extra compassion.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I think you have a good plan of action and I hope your son gets the support he deserves.
FWIW, even 6 years later, I still make a point to pull my kids' teachers aside at the start of each years to tell them about their dad. I like them to be aware so they know if my kid gets odd in any discussions about families; and also so they arent caught off guard if my kid pipes up with it unexpectedly. Unfortuantely, you may need to do this every year too for a good long while too.
If the meeting with the teacher and principal isn’t positive, I would have zero issues pushing for a teacher switch to a more compassionate teacher. There are times when kids need to learn how to deal with difficult teachers. This is not that year for your kids.
Yep, yep, yep.
I am so sorry for your loss. I also remember this story, how awful.
Post by DarcyLongfellow on Sept 22, 2022 11:20:37 GMT -5
I'm so, so sorry for your family's loss. How horrific for all of you.
One of my biggest regrets as a parent is that I didn't fight for my oldest to move to a different teacher in 4th grade. I was trying to be respectful of the teacher as a professional, I was somewhat discounting the stories my kid told me because I figured a 9 year old might be exaggerating, and I blindly believed the principal when she repeatedly assured me that she was addressing the teacher's actions. Looking back, I should have insisted on a change to a different teacher, and I should have pulled her from the school temporarily if they wouldn't do it.
If your gut instinct is that this teacher (who you know pretty well after your other child having her) is not a good fit for your kid, then I think that alone is enough to push for a classroom change given your son's recent trauma. Third grade should still be fun -- they're in elementary school. He deserves a loving and nurturing teacher. I hope they're willing to work with you. Please update us.
Oh, and just as clarification the marks are all things like: off task, skipping on the way back from lunch, touching the wall on the way to lunch, and my personal favorite “holding a pencil while the teacher was speaking (should have been laid on his desk).”
Ugh, I feel you on this. DS had a teacher like that in 1st grade and I was like "WTF". He would come home everyday defeated because he'd be on red or orange (behavior chart) and it was all because of similar things you describe above.
We had a meeting with her and she suggested we have DS evaluated for ADHD or thought he might even be on the spectrum. He had been in daycare since age 2 and never had anything like that come up with his teachers. I was so upset, thinking I had missed signs or issues. We talked to his pedi and they have a child therapist on staff so we met with her and she was like- no way, he's a completely "typical" 6 year old, this teacher is out of line. We brought it up with school and they really didn't do much, but (thankfully?) the teacher was pregnant and put on early bedrest so she only taught him for a couple of months. The long term sub was a complete 180 and he ended up loving the rest of 1st grade. I get that a room full of 7 year olds is probably taxing and there has to be rules to keep things running smoothly, but not every child responds well to that kind of discipline.
I hope you are able to get some sort of resolution. I think meeting with the teacher and principal so you can explain the situation he's been though should be helpful. And if not, then push for a different teacher.
I am so sorry for what your family has had to go through.
Post by tarzanswife on Sept 22, 2022 11:32:33 GMT -5
I am so very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how hard it is for your kids to process this. I agree with previous posters, go into the meeting assuming the teacher did not know. If it continues, then I would burn it all down and make sure he is put into a class with a more compassionate teacher.
Post by expectantsteelerfan on Sept 22, 2022 11:43:15 GMT -5
I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through. I'm not usually one to jump to demanding to move a kid from a class, but based on her list of misbehaviors I cannot imagine her ever showing the compassion that your ds will likely need to be successful in her class this year and I would go straight for that in this meeting. I truly hope the counselor and principal are on your side and provide your ds with the support that he needs and deserves from his school if his teacher isn't willing or able to do so.
I am so sorry for your loss. Like others have said I don't think this teacher is reasonable regardless of the trauma and when you add that layer in nope. I hope the meeting is productive today but if not I wouldn't hesitate at all to ask for a switch. That level of strictness is not what your son needs this year.
I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through. I'm not usually one to jump to demanding to move a kid from a class, but based on her list of misbehaviors I cannot imagine her ever showing the compassion that your ds will likely need to be successful in her class this year and I would go straight for that in this meeting. I truly hope the counselor and principal are on your side and provide your ds with the support that he needs and deserves from his school if his teacher isn't willing or able to do so.
I agree with this. You know enough. He’s struggling and she won’t change. I wouldn’t waste anymore time and request a new teacher.
Post by pixy0stix on Sept 22, 2022 12:08:25 GMT -5
I'm so sorry.
Based on my recent experience I'd schedule a meeting with everyone and see what the real issue is, as skipping and holding a pencil can't be what's up her ass with his behavior.
I’d push for a new teacher because even if you stop getting the notes home (which are ridiculous for the things you mentioned) she’s likely not going to change her attitude towards your son in the class. I volunteer a lot at DS’s school and it’s a constant stream of corrections from the teachers to his second grade class to stop doing little things like that which makes it seem like it’s totally normal and just part of teaching that age. I can’t imagine each student getting notes home about it. That’s crazy and what a waste of time.
My older son had a strict teacher like that in 1st grade and I wish I had pushed for him to be moved classrooms. He didn’t have any other stress/trauma but he still sometimes doesn’t feel like he’s smart/good in school and it all stems back to that teacher. She was just awful. She rarely had positive things to say to him, it was all so negative, and she used a color scale for behavior and he was on orange and red a lot. It was dumb shit like your examples.
I would 100% request a change. I’m so sorry for all that has happened.
I am so sorry for you and your family. Losing someone is so hard and, I would imagine, for a child learning that someone their age has died is even more confusing and hard.
I think a meeting is good. I would chalk a lot of this up to him still grieving, but honestly, it sounds like the teacher is after him. The shit he is getting written up for is ridiculous. I would consider, if you can, switching him to a different teacher. I hate to say this, but when I realized that my daughter's teacher did not like her it was heartbreaking. Not that I am expecting all teachers to love or even like my kids, but that she was not able to hide it and it got in the way of her professionalism. I get a feeling that perhaps, that could be happening here.
I just want to send you all the biggest hugs and say, yes you are right to be upset and definitely go in an advocate for your child.
Oh, and just as clarification the marks are all things like: off task, skipping on the way back from lunch, touching the wall on the way to lunch, and my personal favorite “holding a pencil while the teacher was speaking (should have been laid on his desk).”
For fuck's sake! That's normal behavior for 2nd graders. I agree with everything WTFaulker said.
I'm so sorry for the tragic loss of your sister, BIL and niece.
Post by mcppalmbeach on Sept 22, 2022 12:39:22 GMT -5
I am sorry for all your family has been through. My God, that he’s still standing and able to attend school seems like a feat to me.
Based on your update, pull him. I don’t make waves, I make the best of it, I don’t like to inconvenience people, I give a million chances. I get burned every time. I don’t know if I could follow my own advice, but I think it’s the best thing. He’s already sad about it and school right now shouldn’t be making him feel that way and I don’t know if that teacher could turn it around if she wanted to. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and say maybe she doesn’t know the extent of the trauma and you could very generously give her one more chance, but that would be it for me. Poor sweet boy. Sending him good healing thoughts.
I just want to hug you and your kid and your whole family. I am so sorry for all you've been through.
I would look into a trauma-informed 504 plan to build some accommodations for your kid in the classroom regardless of the teacher. (Like, things that other classrooms--art, PE, etc. would also allow.) Things that allow fidgets, breaks, extra time on assignments/tests, preferential seating near a positive peer, ability to request breaks to check in with the counselor or something (like something that gives space to recognize he might need a breather and step out of the classroom or whatnot). Like I would put lots of stuff ON PAPER to build some flexibilities to anything he might need now or in the near future.
Post by foundmylazybum on Sept 22, 2022 12:59:43 GMT -5
I dont think the things the teacher is marking are reasonable (fwiw I worked with Div 1 college athletes and I often saw them run their hands on the wall before competition in self soothing exercises.. these were high level performers. whatever works, we all deserve comfort).
I also think everyone in your family's sphere needs a clear picture if what is going on so they can make informed decisions.
Does the teacher know something happened? What it was?
At this point, I would not assume the teacher can never change..and I 100% Don not believe your son is "bad"
I suspect there is a lack of clear information flow and before you all make decisions more information needs to be shared and gathered.
I'm so so sorry for what you have all experienced. It took my breath away for you all, and I'm sending you feelings of comfort.
Oh, I'm so sorry this is happening. Hugs for all you've gone through already.
I would try to get him into a new class. I would meet with the principal or whoever makes these decisions and explain why. If they won't do it, I think burn it down mode is appropriate. No way should your poor kid be going through this. These are all really stupid reasons to discipline ANY kid, but especially one whose mind is naturally going to be on something else for a while.
You know this teacher. You don't like her and it is easy to see why. "Holding a pencil" is an offense created by someone on a power trip. I would not subject your son to her this year and demand an immediate classroom change.
I teach 2nd and that’s just nuts. I have never in my life contacted a parent for any of those issues. I have a lot of kids living with trauma, and trauma informed teaching is a real thing.
Oh, and just as clarification the marks are all things like: off task, skipping on the way back from lunch, touching the wall on the way to lunch, and my personal favorite “holding a pencil while the teacher was speaking (should have been laid on his desk).”
I’d ask for a teacher change, that would be my level of burn it down if I was dealing with this on top of everything else. I do know the story, I live close to their previous city so it was in the news quite a bit. I am so sorry for your loss, and the trauma associated with it. I’d tell the school you need him in a class with someone a little more empathetic to his current situation. None of those things make him a bad kid and it’s awful he’s got that impression.