Update in the OP: Sanity Check (@)

[ae1457]

*poof*

[fluffycookie]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I don't know I would go full burn it down, but I would talk to the school about your concerns and come up with a plan to address them and set your son up for success. Maybe send the therapist an email before the meeting to see if they have some suggestions you could request - redirection, seating near the teacher, time to decompress if he gets overwhelmed, etc.

[flygirl]

I’m so sorry for your family.

Since you already had a hard time with the teacher, I’d request he be moved. I’d also make them make allowances to see the counselor during the day or be able to go to the nurse/principal office for 10-15 min to be able to process things.

[ae1457]

Oh, and just as clarification the marks are all things like: off task, skipping on the way back from lunch, touching the wall on the way to lunch, and my personal favorite “holding a pencil while the teacher was speaking (should have been laid on his desk).”

[shinyhappy]

I’m so sorry for what you and your family have gone through. I would absolutely have this sit down with the teacher/principal, whomever and explain it like you did here. If she has any soul, she should lay off him, but I’d absolutely tell her.

[shinyhappy]

Sept 22, 2022 9:55:47 GMT -5 ae1457 said:

Oh, and just as clarification the marks are all things like: off task, skipping on the way back from lunch, touching the wall on the way to lunch, and my personal favorite “holding a pencil while the teacher was speaking (should have been laid on his desk).”

Jesus Christ.

[calamity]

ae1457 , talk with the therapist to get some recommendations and then sit down with the principal and go around this teacher. Those things don't sound reasonable, it's 2nd grade!

ETA- Thoughts to you too, give yourself lots of grace <3

[W.T.Faulkner]

I work at a high school with a very high percentage of students with past trauma in their background, particularly with regard to violence and homicide. I am both a counselor and a teacher.

My first thought (and honestly, hope) is that the teacher is not aware of what your child experienced extremely recently. Even if she IS aware, I would request the meeting, request the admin and counselor to be present, and say that you'd like to discuss some concerns. Offer his story as if it is brand new information to the teacher and gauge her reaction. Operate, or appear to operate, under the assumption that she had no idea. Let her know exactly what your kid said about himself after school one day. Ask her how you can best support him at home.

Have this nice meeting exactly once.

If she doesn't modify her behavior, THEN burn her shit to the ground.

[esdreturns]

Sept 22, 2022 9:55:47 GMT -5 ae1457 said:

Oh, and just as clarification the marks are all things like: off task, skipping on the way back from lunch, touching the wall on the way to lunch, and my personal favorite “holding a pencil while the teacher was speaking (should have been laid on his desk).”

First, I'm so sorry for everything your family is dealing with right now.

Second, the above is ridiculous expect the off task, but even that is understandable. If this is the only list of examples, I would be very unhappy with the teacher. Is it possible to switch teachers?

I hope the meeting helps.

[leshoequeen]

Sept 22, 2022 9:55:47 GMT -5 ae1457 said:

Oh, and just as clarification the marks are all things like: off task, skipping on the way back from lunch, touching the wall on the way to lunch, and my personal favorite “holding a pencil while the teacher was speaking (should have been laid on his desk).”

OH HELL NO.  This puts me right into "burn it down" territory.  She sounds like a troll.  I would get in to talk with the principal/counselor asap and get him moved and confirm that the counselor shared or will share the situation with all involved.  

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  It isn't far from me and I remember hearing the story.  My heart goes out to you and your family.  

[mala]

With that list, FUCK NO, I'd be pushing to switch teachers. That teacher is completely unreasonable.

[sandandsea]

I’m so sorry you had that happen to your family. I would request a one on one with the teacher and privately explain that he had trauma, is in therapy, and is still struggling and that these remarks are hurting him more than they are helpful. I think most teachers would have empathy and compassion for him and would especially want to help him if they knew. To me it sounds like the counselor may not have told details to the teacher because her behavior doesn’t seem to align with any kind of compassion. I may also ask of she thinks he may be a better fit in another classroom. I would ask the principal to join the meeting too.

[ae1457]

Sept 22, 2022 10:03:28 GMT -5 W.T.Faulkner said:

I work at a high school with a very high percentage of students with past trauma in their background, particularly with regard to violence and homicide. I am both a counselor and a teacher.

My first thought (and honestly, hope) is that the teacher is not aware of what your child experienced extremely recently. Even if she IS aware, I would request the meeting, request the admin and counselor to be present, and say that you'd like to discuss some concerns. Offer his story as if it is brand new information to the teacher and gauge her reaction. Operate, or appear to operate, under the assumption that she had no idea. Let her know exactly what your kid said about himself after school one day. Ask her how you can best support him at home.

Have this nice meeting exactly once.

If she doesn't modify her behavior, THEN burn her shit to the ground.

This was how DH and I planned to approach it today, like ok let’s talk this out and we will give you the benefit of the doubt that you just don’t know exactly what’s going on.

He has two teachers but is only consistently getting these marks from one so I’m curious to see what the other one says as well. I’ve heard back from the principal and we are all meeting this afternoon.

[minniemouse]

I am so sorry for your losses and everything you are going through. I would absolutely ask for him to be moved to a different class with a more compassionate teacher. A family member lost her husband suddenly this summer. Their daughter is in second grade and the school purposely placed her in a classroom that would be understanding of the situation. They also made sure a couple of her friends were in the same class.

[onomatopoeia]

Sept 22, 2022 9:55:47 GMT -5 ae1457 said:

Oh, and just as clarification the marks are all things like: off task, skipping on the way back from lunch, touching the wall on the way to lunch, and my personal favorite “holding a pencil while the teacher was speaking (should have been laid on his desk).”

WTF.  This is ridiculous for any student, let alone one who has recently experienced intense trauma. 

I like what W.T.Faulkner suggested.  There is a lot of research around trauma-sensitive educational practices, get the GC involved and ask her to make some suggestions.  

[Deleted]

I am very sorry for what your family has gone through. The teacher sounds like they are on a wild power trip. does she not understand how kids act? I feel like all the things he is getting in trouble for is normal kid behavior. They are not robots. I doubt a meeting will change anything aside from showing the principal how ridiculous the teacher's expectations are. I would have the meeting and if it continues, advocate to change teachers. I really feel for your kid as I had a few teachers who were like this (and a boss as well).

[PennyCandy]

I'm sorry for your family's loss.

I would think the teacher is being unfair regardless of the child and their history over the things you listed. My own DS has some trouble with behavior at school and I've gone round and round with his teachers since he started school. They seem to think negative reinforcement and straight up punishment are ok, which are not evidence based and I'm not ok with it. They destroyed my kid's confidence last year and we started off much the same way this year. I called a meeting with the SPED teacher, his classroom teacher, the principal, and school psychologist that's actually happening today. He was sent to the principal, the dean, and had taken recess away all in one day for one behavior. He came out of school with his head down and whispered, "Mommy, I'm so sad." That was the final straw for me. Given everything your family has been through and your son's reaction, I do think it's time to intervene and call a meeting.

[devonpow]

Sept 22, 2022 10:03:28 GMT -5 W.T.Faulkner said:

I work at a high school with a very high percentage of students with past trauma in their background, particularly with regard to violence and homicide. I am both a counselor and a teacher.

My first thought (and honestly, hope) is that the teacher is not aware of what your child experienced extremely recently. Even if she IS aware, I would request the meeting, request the admin and counselor to be present, and say that you'd like to discuss some concerns. Offer his story as if it is brand new information to the teacher and gauge her reaction. Operate, or appear to operate, under the assumption that she had no idea. Let her know exactly what your kid said about himself after school one day. Ask her how you can best support him at home.

Have this nice meeting exactly once.

If she doesn't modify her behavior, THEN burn her shit to the ground.

This.

I am so so sorry for what happened. You are being a great mom navigating your family through incredible trauma. You are all in my thoughts

[womet]

First, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

I think W.T.Faulkner's suggestion makes sense if you hadn't already had negative experiences with this teacher in the past. She sounds like she's a hardass on all of her students for stupid stuff (WTF to skipping in the hallway). I highly doubt she will change for your DS2. I would request a new teacher now.

[redheadk]

Sept 22, 2022 9:55:47 GMT -5 ae1457 said:

Oh, and just as clarification the marks are all things like: off task, skipping on the way back from lunch, touching the wall on the way to lunch, and my personal favorite “holding a pencil while the teacher was speaking (should have been laid on his desk).”

I’m sorry, what?

I would have been angry about this even without a history of trauma. These marks are stupid and show a serious lack of judgement, time management, and understanding of appropriate behavioral expectations.

Take the meeting, of course, but if the teacher seems unwilling to bend, ask for him to be moved.

I am not generally one to get angry with teachers, having taught myself, but this is too much.

[InBetweenDays]

I am so, so sorry for what your family has been through. I know the news story and can't even imagine. Big, big hugs.

Regardless of going through that sort of trauma (but also specifically because of it) no student (especially in 2nd grade) should have a teacher that makes them think they are bad or that the teacher will never like them. I wouldn't burn it down (yet) but I'd certainly have a meeting with the teacher and principal. If the teacher is not able to let up on these expectations then I'd ask to have your son moved.

[W.T.Faulkner]

Sept 22, 2022 10:09:51 GMT -5 ae1457 said:

Sept 22, 2022 10:03:28 GMT -5 W.T.Faulkner said:

I work at a high school with a very high percentage of students with past trauma in their background, particularly with regard to violence and homicide. I am both a counselor and a teacher.

My first thought (and honestly, hope) is that the teacher is not aware of what your child experienced extremely recently. Even if she IS aware, I would request the meeting, request the admin and counselor to be present, and say that you'd like to discuss some concerns. Offer his story as if it is brand new information to the teacher and gauge her reaction. Operate, or appear to operate, under the assumption that she had no idea. Let her know exactly what your kid said about himself after school one day. Ask her how you can best support him at home.

Have this nice meeting exactly once.

If she doesn't modify her behavior, THEN burn her shit to the ground.

This was how DH and I planned to approach it today, like ok let’s talk this out and we will give you the benefit of the doubt that you just don’t know exactly what’s going on.

He has two teachers but is only consistently getting these marks from one so I’m curious to see what the other one says as well. I’ve heard back from the principal and we are all meeting this afternoon.

You're approaching this with a commendably level head. I'm sorry that you're going through this, in addition to the tremendous suffering of your family's loss. 

[mysteriouswife]

I’m very sorry your family is dealing with the loss. I agree with WTFaulkner. Play nice once. Offer suggestions of allowing your son a fidget toy to play with durning class. Then burn it down

[dancingirl21]

I think your plan sounds really good. Go in giving the benefit of the doubt that she has no real idea of what is going on. If she does, that’s some bullshit and she needs to check herself.

Honestly the examples of “bad things” he is doing sound so incredibly normal for young kids that I question why she’s sending that to any parent.

I’m so sorry for what your family has been through. I would expect the school to give your kids some grace during this tough time.

ETA: sorry I keep coming back to your examples and my mouth is on the floor. Touching a wall and holding a pencil? She sounds militant and that would not fly with me, even without the major trauma your family has been through. I would be addressing her examples of “bad behavior” with the principal as well.

[ae1457]

Thanks everyone. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one that was also thinking “wtf” to most of her list.

DS1 also got a ton of marks in her class, then in 3/4 has gotten very few so I know she is just really tough. But DS2 just doesn’t have the resiliency this year to handle that. He is such a sweet natured, loving kid so it just breaks me to see him that way, on top of everything else.

[Pilsy]

I just want to offer my condolences. Others have offered good advice and, truly, it sounds like you have a good plan.

I am just so incredibly sorry for the losses you and and your family have endured.

[AdaraMarie]

Sept 22, 2022 9:55:47 GMT -5 ae1457 said:

Oh, and just as clarification the marks are all things like: off task, skipping on the way back from lunch, touching the wall on the way to lunch, and my personal favorite “holding a pencil while the teacher was speaking (should have been laid on his desk).”

All of these seem like reasonable rules for second grade but none of them seem worthy of a note home. Speaking ss the mom of a kid who was going through a rough time in 2nd grade and got many notes home but had a very compassionate teacher.
Maybe he is presenting as "fine" even though he would benefit from being treated a more like a kid who is "fragile."
I would totally want to burn it down but I don't think it would help as a first step.

[livinitup]

I also send support and best wishes. You sound like you are coming from a good place. Level headed, too.

I think it’s okay to say ::now:: that based on the reaction of your little one that this teacher is not a good match with your child. He’s already saying things like “I am a bad kid. I will never be a good kid”. Which breaks my heart. Sure, I would expect resilience from a typical student who has not experience trauma, but this style of teaching is just not a good fit for him. Right now.

I would not expect this teacher to change. It’s almost unfair to expect it.

It’s not unkind or unfair to ask for a teacher change.

[lust2hart]

Good luck with your meeting today. It's kind of you to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I agree with womet - your previous experience with her has shown you that this is who she is, and your DS needs someone different teaching him this year. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm in [poof] and know many people who thought the world of your family. Praying for strength and peace as you navigate all of this.

[shauni27]

There are not enough words to express my sympathies for your losses. I am so, so sorry.

I am glad you were able to schedule something so quickly. Please keep us posted. I hope the school supports you; if nothing else it seems like a bad fit and is totally reasonable to want to move your son if the meeting today does not encourage the teacher to modify her behaviors.