Question about child support

[campermom]

PDQ

[gretchenindisguise]

No. Absolutely not.

Child support is to pay for the unequal portion of time you have them. It’s not meant to cover expenses in the non-custodial home. If it was, it would be higher.

[mysteriouswife]

Clothing is clothing to me. If the agreement is that parents split the cost of clothing then it should be split. If this isn’t the norm then the purchasing person can get bent.

My parents were required to having clothing for their houses. We were expected to bring home our shoes we wore to our dads. My mom didn’t really say anything about the clothes.

[flex]

Wouldn't it depend on the divorce decree who pays for what? If it isn't specified in the documentation, then it's on the purchaser (noncustodial or otherwise) to foot the bill. Child support has nothing to do with it.

[ste]

Oct 2, 2022 10:57:48 GMT -5 flex said:

Wouldn't it depend on the divorce decree who pays for what? If it isn't specified in the documentation, then it's on the purchaser (noncustodial or otherwise) to foot the bill. Child support has nothing to do with it.

100% this.

[campermom]

PDQ

[pinkdutchtulips]

Oct 2, 2022 10:45:46 GMT -5 campermom said:

If one parent has primary physical custody and the other parent has visitation and pays CS….if the children attend a special event on the noncustodial parents visitation weekend like that parents wedding or that parents retirement party, and they purchased clothing/shoes for the event…..

Would the custodial parent be expected to reimburse the noncustodial parent?

I’m predicting a Venmo request in my future.

No

The parent they are with that weekend is on the hook for those expenses. I would not expect nor request reimbursement for clothing/shoe purchases for the event. If the parent taking them to that event wants to have them dressed a certain way, that's on them w/o expectation of reimbursement. From what I've seen part of co-parenting is having to let go of expectations of how kids are to be dressed for certain occasions and you have to trust the other parent's judgement even though you might disagree. 

*I had full custody (both legal and physical) w/o child support. Everything I learned about the world of co-parenting I learned from J and his ex-w as they shared custody 50/50. 

[rosiebear]

Hmmm. I’m trying to remember how this worked for us (50/50 placement; I paid child support). The child support was intended to “balance out” household expenses for raising children, so each of us bought clothing as needed, generally. Larger ticket items like winter coats or a dress for homecoming were either split or “you get this one, I’ll get that one.”

That level of flexibility and “it’ll come out in the wash” attitude took a few years to accomplish, however. I guess I’d expect to split a clothing purchase over, say, $75, unless there is a reciprocal purchasing event (like needing a new winter coat) on the horizon.

I do recall that when our kids were in ex’s sister’s wedding I paid nothing toward their expenses, though.

[campermom]

PDQ

[flex]

Oct 2, 2022 11:38:43 GMT -5 campermom said:

Ok. He always claims that clothing is covered in CS and if this is clothing, he shouldn’t have to pay.

Also? If I decline the request? He will just decline next months totals for his half of extracurricular/uninsured medical receipts…and send a new Venmo for that amount minus whatever he spent on clothes. Those items are specified outside of CS and he is to reimburse half.

I would pull out the documented CS language and see what it says.  Don't go by what he tells you.

[CurlyQ284]

Lol no, absolutely not!
I paid for my SDs dresses for our wedding, I never even had a fleeting thought that their mom pay for their dresses for OUR event.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Oct 2, 2022 11:47:16 GMT -5 campermom said:

pinkdutchtulips I’m not sure what they are wearing to his military retirement this weekend, or his wedding. But I expect to get a request for at least this weekends clothes. I forgot it was this weekend but the kids told me and my first thought was fear that I didn’t send them w appropriate outfits and then I was like wait, not my responsibility. But I bet he will want reimbursement.

My oldest son said he didn’t get him anything new, he just had him wear something of his.

The obsession w money is deep

Even w/o the money obsession, I'm not surprised that no new clothes were purchased. Not every event needs new clothes and in most cases, kids already have what they need. 

[ste]

Oct 2, 2022 13:26:26 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

Oct 2, 2022 11:47:16 GMT -5 campermom said:

pinkdutchtulips I’m not sure what they are wearing to his military retirement this weekend, or his wedding. But I expect to get a request for at least this weekends clothes. I forgot it was this weekend but the kids told me and my first thought was fear that I didn’t send them w appropriate outfits and then I was like wait, not my responsibility. But I bet he will want reimbursement.

My oldest son said he didn’t get him anything new, he just had him wear something of his.

The obsession w money is deep

Even w/o the money obsession, I'm not surprised that no new clothes were purchased. Not every event needs new clothes and in most cases, kids already have what they need. 

None of my kids would have clothes to wear to a wedding or military retirement if we had to go to one today, and they range from infant to elementary school. DD maaaaaaaybe if the wedding was casual. They don’t normally wear dressy clothes, unless it’s purchased for a specific event. I actually don’t think my oldest even has khakis that fit currently.

[campermom]

PDQ

[mags]

Nope, it was their choice to purchase.

[cleo29]

Oct 2, 2022 11:47:16 GMT -5 campermom said:

pinkdutchtulips I’m not sure what they are wearing to his military retirement this weekend, or his wedding. But I expect to get a request for at least this weekends clothes. I forgot it was this weekend but the kids told me and my first thought was fear that I didn’t send them w appropriate outfits and then I was like wait, not my responsibility. But I bet he will want reimbursement.

My oldest son said he didn’t get him anything new, he just had him wear something of his.

The obsession w money is deep

It seems nuts to me to expect you to pay for clothing to go to his wedding.  

[polarbearfans]

We are supposed each maintain clothes in our home, but my ex wants to split the cost of clothes 50/50 because he cannot remember what he buys (very little!), and tried to keep what I buy ALL the time. We split school clothes and special event clothes for school/extra curricular. But for special events specific to each family, we buy fully and don’t expect reimbursement. Things she really doesn’t need two of like jackets and school shoes we split 50/50.

[plutosmoon]

No, do not pay for that. I have a different situation because ex has no physical custody and no overnights, but I would expect my exh too cover any special event clothing for his events. If I had something suitable to wear, I might send it, but I'd expect exh to have all the items he needs at his home for his custody time. The child support is for the discrepancy in time spent and income discrepancy, he still needs to cover crap on his own time. Like child support helps pay food, but you don't have to cover the kids meals while they are there. His time, his event, his problem. My lawyer told me if ex ever gets visitation I can send her with just the clothes on her back and special personal items, but I am not obligated to send clothing or toiletries. Shoes and coats might be an expected shared item, but not everyday clothing and especially not clothing for his events.

[Deleted]

In my case with my ex, we have 50/50 and just each pay for whatever expenses come up at our house. Exceptions are things like medical bills which we split evenly, and like my daughters driving school.

My current H pays his ex wife child support. We pay for whatever the kids want or need when they’re at our house. It would never cross our minds to ask his ex for money in a situation like what you describe. Your ex is a douche, but I think you know that.

[snorky]

This is super decree dependent, but typically, in an event that is specific to one parent, that parent pays for whatever attire is needed. Your ex is a piece of shit. Don’t pay it and when he deducts the amount from his legally obligated CS payment, go to your attorney. I wouldn’t wait until his debt to you surpasses a retainer amount, you want all of this documented with your attorney because, based on your previous posts, you are headed to an amendment of your agreement with your ex. Legal costs suck, I have been in a similar position, but peace of mind is priceless.

[campermom]

PDQ

[campermom]

PDQ

[VillainV]

[mention]campermom [/mention] sorry, I deleted my post because I read further in the thread and realized it wasn’t really that helpful.

Your ex is definitely a piece of work. For me this would fall somewhere between a) not wanting to give him his way and reward his horrible behavior, and b) deciding it might be worth a little bit of $$ to just not have to argue with his bullshit (ie, not making this my hill to die on).

Obviously where you fall on that continuum is a personal choice, and you know better than we do what the ramifications are of each side. Because of course you’re right and he’s wrong, but he’ll never stop being an asshole. And your kids notice that’s he’s a piece of crap and you love them, and ultimately his behavior will impact whether or not they choose to have a relationship with him when they get older.

[thebreakfastclub]

I grew up with a dad who was pretty uninvolved with us kids. My parents divorced when I was in high school. I haven't spoken to my dad in maybe 4 years.

I don't believe they have the same level of concern about the clothes as you. They don't have the same years of baggage and aren't aware of the same nuances. They aren't triggered the way you are.

I can think back to memories that weren't happy or that were just off. I found out more as an adult from my mom. These things don't really bother me as an adult.

You can't control what they wear, you can't control getting a venmo request. All you can control is your reaction to them wearing somewhat silly clothes to an event that has nothing to do with you.

[twinmomma]

Obviously you know your ex is an awful human being and whatever he says is NOT normal. There’s no “deducting” from child support. Document that and add it to your list for when you have to bring him back to court.

To give you another perspective on how ridiculous your ex is being: Instead of paying child support, I agreed to cover all kid related expenses in both homes. (I can’t trust he’d spend child support wisely and I knew I’d end up paying for all this stuff anyway) So I literally stock the dresser at dad’s house with everything from socks and underwear to outfits as they grow and seasons change. This is the expectation in our decree. And ExH has never asked me to reimburse him for stuff like outfits he bought them for Easter with his parents or family pictures with his fiancée. That’s outside the scope of what I am required to cover. If he wants them in something special on his day, that’s 100% his problem.

[cville]

The legal answer to this question is what other people have said.

The moral answer is that d-bag deserves NOTHING and should pay EVERYTHING always and I cannot fucking wait for your youngest to turn 18.

[expectantsteelerfan]

I agree with VillainV that you'll have to decide if it's worth the argument if he does ask you for money for your dd's new dress...it might be easier to just pay for it and document and try to bring it up next time you are in court if it's not a big deal for you to afford (although also might not set a good precedent, again, something to consider).

But also, hopefully, your kids will see your willingness to spend money on them as a contrast to your ex and won't internalize bad feelings about not being worth spending money on like you did or like you fear!

[AdaraMarie]

I'm sorry he's the worst. My kids know XH and I sometimes have disagreements about money and who pays for what, but I have also very explicitly told them that I will make sure they have what they need and that we have enough money overall. I was afraid my oldest would get anxious about our finances when he started saying he wouldn't pay (his share) for activities because how much their dental fillings were costing him. They are 9 and 12 and I feel like that's old enough to understand a bit. Borrowing things is a reasonable solution but the way that went for your kids sucks and I'm sorry.
He has also flipped out on me in the past about them not wearing nice/"the right" clothes when he picks them up so I know a but about X expecting me to buy the clothes for celebrations with him.

[vasc]

Such a terrible situation (although I’m not surprised given his history).

I’m sure he is also using this as “evidence” against you….his logic and abuse would likely be “Look at the condition she sent the kids in to MY party.” “She’s responsible for clothes and look at what she provides for a nice event!”

I’m surprised he didn’t make your daughter strip down and leave the dress she got at his home since he purchased it for “his” time.

[CurlyQ284]

JFC what an actual psycho. I do not understand how a person can be like this. ESPECIALLY living in a big expensive house. Maybe if he was broke and barely making it, I would get it a little more but WTAF?!?!?!?!?!