Would you say something kid's friend's parents?

[expectantsteelerfan]

My dd (11) is having some drama with her friend group.  She has anxiety (which I've posted about before) and is seeing a therapist and is scheduled for a psych eval in a few weeks.  She has told her friends about the anxiety and sees them as a source of support.  This 'group' is a few girls she's known for years, and 2 girls that just moved to the area this summer so are new, but have been in the group since the beginning of the year.  

Last weekend, one of the new girls, S, and her mom invited all the girls to a 'Mom Prom' dance and sleep over at their house.  I had actually texted the mom and asked her to call me so I could tell her about dd's anxiety, but she never ended up doing so.  I talked to dd at length about it though and she felt good about going to the dance and decided to make a decision after the dance about if she felt ok sleeping over, so we went with that, she decided to sleep over, and we thought it went well.  But she found out later that at the sleepover, S had been texting another girl, dd's bff M, about how annoying dd was being because she was too nervous to watch a scary movie, because she complained she missed mom and dad, because she was feeling anxious in general, etc.  Dd was super upset to find this out and confronted S, who brushed it off, and this caused a big rift in the friend group, who apparently split up lunch tables and caused a scene in the cafeteria and ended up all going to see the guidance counselor at recess, where it also came out that S had talked negatively about another girl in the group behind her back as well.

Complicating all this is the fact that the girls are signed up to be in a battle of the books competition, and they are supposed to be meeting outside of school to prepare for this.  There is currently a parent group text going around about times the girls can get together to practice for this.  As of last night, dd claimed most of the girls wanted to drop out of the competition for various reasons (one girl lost a book they all still needed to read, their faculty sponsor hasn't been helping them, but most of all, this drama), and she doesn't want to get together with the group until this drama is resolved.  She is hoping they will all be meeting with the guidance counselor again today, but she was also under the impression that S didn't want to meet with her again and wasn't willing to go.  

So now I have about 5 texts from the parents of these girls asking me when dd is available to meet for the battle of the books, and I have a feeling they have no idea about the drama that has been going on or that the girls went to the guidance counselor and might be going again today.  

Would you say anything about it?  Dd told me she didn't care if I shared with the other parents that they did.  I kinda want to wait till she gets home from school today to see if they did go to guidance or if anything was sorted out or decided about if they were going to drop out of battle of the books, but I hate having these texts that the other moms have seen that I've seen and not responding as well.  I am not going to make dd stay in the battle of the books competition if she doesn't feel comfortable, as it is a completely optional thing, but I have no idea how the other moms feel about it.  

[wanderingback]

I can’t tell if your DD still wants to do this book thing. If she doesn’t I would just simply say sorry DD is no longer participating.

If this hinges on if all the other folks are still participating/you don’t know if it’s still happening I’d say ”DD let me know that there were some changes to who is participating so waiting to hear back from DD about if this is happening or not."

[luckystar2]

If you hate the texts hanging out there with no response I’d just text back that you need to check in with dd when she’s home. Then you can see what she says. I think it all really depends on if she still wants to do it and really how things went today. I mean sometimes stuff like this blows over and sometimes it can be more serious.

[expectantsteelerfan]

If dd drops out, they would all need to drop out (they have to have a full team), so her decision will affect the whole group. So I don't really feel like I can say she is dropping out without giving at least some explanation. And dd was willing to wait till after today to make that decision based on what happened if they did go see the guidance counselor or not (she was really just looking for an apology from S, but said yesterday S was denying she did anything wrong), but another girl in their group who S apparently talked about might not be willing to forgive and stay in the group anyway so it might also not be up to dd anyway.

So the other moms seem like they have no idea that the group is in jeopardy of disbanding, so I guess I'm asking if I should say that there's been some drama and the girls were thinking of quitting but were hopefully talking to guidance and working it out today and we should check in with them when they get home, or just stay with crickets till we here from them.

[smock]

If your daughter doesn't mind you sharing the friend conflicts with the parents, I would let them know. If I was one of those parents, I'd appreciate the heads up about what's going on and the guidance counselor visit.

You could try to keep it pretty neutral, like "DD shared with me that the girls are working through some conflicts in the group and recently visited the guidance counselor. She would prefer to resolve the problem before meeting about the competition."

Personally, I'd avoid calling it drama in the text just because that can trigger defensiveness, but it does sound like drama. I'm sorry your daughter has a friend treating her that way! It sounds like she's approaching it very maturely.

[Deleted]

I wouldn’t say anything about the drama. That’s just inviting the drama to come into the parent text, guaranteed. I’d just say you need to discuss with your DD after school and you will get back to them, especially if your DD dropping out affects everyone else’s ability to participate.

[felicity]

Feb 22, 2023 12:06:25 GMT -5 smock said:

If your daughter doesn't mind you sharing the friend conflicts with the parents, I would let them know. If I was one of those parents, I'd appreciate the heads up about what's going on and the guidance counselor visit.

You could try to keep it pretty neutral, like "DD shared with me that the girls are working through some conflicts in the group and recently visited the guidance counselor. She would prefer to resolve the problem before meeting about the competition."

Personally, I'd avoid calling it drama in the text just because that can trigger defensiveness, but it does sound like drama. I'm sorry your daughter has a friend treating her that way! It sounds like she's approaching it very maturely.

I like this response. It opens it up for discussion. I’m worried that if you just drop out then they might blame her unfairly for not being able to compete and it’ll cause more drama. It’s totally reasonable not to want to meet right away if they’re having issues like this and it might work itself out depending on how other parents respond, like best case it just sort of fizzled because other girls don’t really want to do it either.

[waverly]

Feb 22, 2023 12:02:54 GMT -5 expectantsteelerfan said:

If dd drops out, they would all need to drop out (they have to have a full team), so her decision will affect the whole group. So I don't really feel like I can say she is dropping out without giving at least some explanation. And dd was willing to wait till after today to make that decision based on what happened if they did go see the guidance counselor or not (she was really just looking for an apology from S, but said yesterday S was denying she did anything wrong), but another girl in their group who S apparently talked about might not be willing to forgive and stay in the group anyway so it might also not be up to dd anyway.

So the other moms seem like they have no idea that the group is in jeopardy of disbanding, so I guess I'm asking if I should say that there's been some drama and the girls were thinking of quitting but were hopefully talking to guidance and working it out today and we should check in with them when they get home, or just stay with crickets till we here from them.

But do they really have to disband, or could they ask someone else to participate?

If you dislike leaving them on unread, then you can say Let me check with DD when she gets home from school.  I am conflict avoidant, so I would not bring up the girls conflicts especially since they are already working with the school/ guidance counselor on it anyway.  

Then I would ask DD hey you need to make a decision are you in or are you out?  If she says you are out, then that might be the harder text to send.  I am still not a fan of pulling the parents into this- they didn't do anything wrong.  But you may have to give some reason why she isn't continuing even if it's a white lie like, "Due to overcommitting this winter, DD is no longer able to do this.  I hope you are able to find another student that can fill in her space.  I will ask DD to ask around and see if she can help with that.  So sorry she had to pull out of this activity"

[kath16]

Feb 22, 2023 12:19:40 GMT -5 waverly said:

Feb 22, 2023 12:02:54 GMT -5 expectantsteelerfan said:

If dd drops out, they would all need to drop out (they have to have a full team), so her decision will affect the whole group. So I don't really feel like I can say she is dropping out without giving at least some explanation. And dd was willing to wait till after today to make that decision based on what happened if they did go see the guidance counselor or not (she was really just looking for an apology from S, but said yesterday S was denying she did anything wrong), but another girl in their group who S apparently talked about might not be willing to forgive and stay in the group anyway so it might also not be up to dd anyway.

So the other moms seem like they have no idea that the group is in jeopardy of disbanding, so I guess I'm asking if I should say that there's been some drama and the girls were thinking of quitting but were hopefully talking to guidance and working it out today and we should check in with them when they get home, or just stay with crickets till we here from them.

But do they really have to disband, or could they ask someone else to participate?

If you dislike leaving them on unread, then you can say Let me check with DD when she gets home from school.  I am conflict avoidant, so I would not bring up the girls conflicts especially since they are already working with the school/ guidance counselor on it anyway.  

Then I would ask DD hey you need to make a decision are you in or are you out?  If she says you are out, then that might be the harder text to send.  I am still not a fan of pulling the parents into this- they didn't do anything wrong.  But you may have to give some reason why she isn't continuing even if it's a white lie like, "Due to overcommitting this winter, DD is no longer able to do this.  I hope you are able to find another student that can fill in her space.  I will ask DD to ask around and see if she can help with that.  So sorry she had to pull out of this activity"

i dont think i'd lie, i'd lean more toward keeping it simple and straightforward AFTER she checks with DD about a solid yes or no

@op - you could just say that you are waiting for DD to come home from school today, and tell her that she has to decide by a certain time, but it sounds like things are fizzling out for multiple reasons. they might even decide in school today not to keep doing it, which would be the ideal scenario here honestly. 

[icedcoffee]

I don't like S or her mom. She couldn't get back to you before your kid SLEPT at her house and now her daughter is talking shit?

I'd let the text hang out until you can talk to DD later today. It's only a couple of hours and S' mom couldn't even bother responding before a sleepover. Then I'd press her for a hard yes or no. I wouldn't get involved in the conflict. 11 is old enough to sort it out.

[charlatti]

I agree with smock that as a parent I would appreciate a heads up, and I like the wording that doesn’t specifically say “drama.” It sounds like your daughter is handling this in a really mature way, talking it out and involving the guidance counselor. I’m sorry she and you are dealing with the drama, but it’s great that she has some friends who sound like great supports.

[twilightmv]

I think you need to stay out of this. No one is being bullied or in danger, the kids just aren't getting along great right now. I'd ask your daughter if she still wants to do the battle of the bands, and then let the group know either way. I don't think you would "owe" an explanation, because the explanation is that your daughter doesn't want to do it.

[abs]

Couple of thoughts:

1. I wouldn't say anything about the drama with the girls over text or ever. That is just going to invite MORE drama. At this age the girls really need to work through it themselves and it sounds like that is what is happening.

2. If you want to respond now like others said I would just say you are waiting to talk to your DD about availability this afternoon.

3. Unless there is a really good reason I wouldn't let her back out of the book competition. It's a school activity, right? I would let your DD know you support her 100% in continuing or not continuing the friendships but if you commit to something like this you need to see it through. I personally don't think it's fair to drop out and disband the group over what happened. S and her mom don't sound like the greatest but you are only getting one side and it's not enough to not follow through with the book competition.

4. I'm sorry your daughter's anxiety is flaring. Friendship at this age is really complicated. Her being able to navigate this though is going to give her so much confidence. Just be there to support her.

[noodleoo]

Feb 22, 2023 12:34:01 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

I don't like S or her mom. She couldn't get back to you before your kid SLEPT at her house and now her daughter is talking shit?

I'd let the text hang out until you can talk to DD later today. It's only a couple of hours and S' mom couldn't even bother responding before a sleepover. Then I'd press her for a hard yes or no. I wouldn't get involved in the conflict. 11 is old enough to sort it out.

I'm here. 

I agree about not saying anything to the parents in the text thread.  Parents can get very defensive about their own kids behavior.  I would let the kids deal with it and let each parent deal with it/hear about it from their own kid.  Otherwise it could end up blowing up the parent group too.

If your DD doesn't want to do the book group, I would let her drop out.  You don't even need to give a reason (parents can figure it out after talking to their own kids).  I may be overprotective, but S sounds pretty shitty.  I was the victim of a lot of this BS in middle school.  I will err on the side of protecting my kid from this behavior.

[waverly]

My other thought is the faculty sponsor could be doing something here also. For example, if your DD does drop out then the faculty sponsor can recruit someone else. Or the faculty sponsor could ask the group what they want to do, if they were meeting with the faculty sponsor. The group could make that decision together, which a pp pointed out might be the best case scenario.

[livinitup]

Group texts are good for coordinating meets-ups or general plans. Texts are absolutely terrible at “explaining” any drama.

Keep in mind that anything you put in text can go on blast in the least flattering way possible.


It sounds like your DD has a good support system at school to deal with the issue. It’s only going to be a few hours until a decision is made about dropping out. I’d wait.

[expectantsteelerfan]

One of the moms called me out by name in text asking our availability since I was the only one who hadn't responded yet, so I felt like at that point I had to respond in some way. So I did say 'I asked dd what the plan was this morning, and she mentioned that there was some conflict at lunch yesterday and they all went to talk to the guidance counselor at recess. Dd doesn't want to commit to getting together for battle of the books until this is resolved and I support her in that. She is hoping they are able to talk more with the counselor today, so I will check in with her when she gets home today.' And then I turned my phone off because I don't want to know if anyone responded to that because my own anxiety is pinging over this. Ugh.

I get that some might not agree with my decision to let dd drop out if she wants to, but I already decided that and I'm going to stick with it. If this was a class assignment, yes she would need to be polite and work with the group no matter what. Even if it was for extra credit or something I would probably make her still do it. But it is a fun, optional activity that is completely outside of school (it takes place in the evening in about 1.5 weeks, they've had the books for it for almost 2 months now, so finding a replacement at this point is unlikely as well unfortunately). If the girls did work out their issues, great. But if they didn't and dd doesn't feel comfortable being around them right now, I am not going to force her for this.

[MDmomof2]

You made the right call. When DD did Battle of the Books they could compete with just 4, so if your DD decides to drop out I hope the group is still able to compete. However if the event is only 1.5 weeks away and they haven't gotten together or had much support from their advisor, they may need to drop out anyway. The event takes quite a bit of work! DD's team won 3rd place for "Best Name." They were the Word Warriors and dressed like ninjas. Fun times!

[beerlover]

expectantsteelerfan, I'm sorry this is happening. Your daughter sounds like she is being very mature and insightful about all of this. I hope she can get even more support for her anxiety too. I think your response to the group text was fine, and I agree with turning it off for a bit to give yourself a break.

[pittpurple]

My daughter is 10 and has anxiety, it's so hard to watch. It sounds like this situation is well in hand and you'll just be following your daughter's lead but I always try to figure out options for next time when things don't go quite right.

It's so great that your daughter took a chance and went to a sleepover but it sounds like she had a hard time. Am assuming she could have called you to come home if she wanted to? Clearly she won't be sleeping at S's house again, but what about the next time she has an unusual invite for a sleepover - could you agree a low stress way she can just leave if it's time for her to go? While of course the other girls should support their friend, if she was the only one not able to do the things they had planned to do that can be disappointing for the other girls as well. I'm always really conscious that my daughter's TV/movie choices are really different to 'most' kids her age (she's still watching cartoons with magical animals and whatnot as she just can't cope with anything with real people or anything scary at all) so it was a bit of a 'thing' at her own sleepover party - took a while to find a movie that they'd all watch.

[hermione]

I am glad you told the other parents. I would want to know if I were them. Also, as a person who runs a Battle of the Books every year - we'd let them compete with less people because the disadvantage is to their own team.

[abs]

expectantsteelerfan, how did yesterday go? I hope your DD is in a better and happier place today.

[mofongo]

Just hats off to parents, this is not easy stuff to deal with! Does the school not notify when kids are brought to the counselor for an issue??

[erbear]

Feb 23, 2023 20:31:22 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Just hats off to parents, this is not easy stuff to deal with! Does the school not notify when kids are brought to the counselor for an issue??

Depends on the issue. Some of it is confidential so no -- parents aren't informed. Some of it falls into mandated reporting. For me, it's a judgement call whether to let parents know or not -- sometimes, parents are the issue.

Also this is super normal. This is a hard age to navigate constantly shifting friendships. OP: stay on the ground. Your kid needs stability from you, not involvement in the drama.

[mofongo]

Feb 23, 2023 20:41:02 GMT -5 erbear said:

Feb 23, 2023 20:31:22 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Just hats off to parents, this is not easy stuff to deal with! Does the school not notify when kids are brought to the counselor for an issue??

Depends on the issue. Some of it is confidential so no -- parents aren't informed. Some of it falls into mandated reporting. For me, it's a judgement call whether to let parents know or not -- sometimes, parents are the issue.

Also this is super normal. This is a hard age to navigate constantly shifting friendships. OP: stay on the ground. Your kid needs stability from you, not involvement in the drama.

I understand for something confidential, and mandated reporting, I’m a social worker. I was more thinking about if your kid is having a dispute, to the point that it caused a scene and the group was brought to talk to the counselor to intervene, that parents may be notified.

[erbear]

Feb 23, 2023 20:51:21 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Feb 23, 2023 20:41:02 GMT -5 erbear said:

Depends on the issue. Some of it is confidential so no -- parents aren't informed. Some of it falls into mandated reporting. For me, it's a judgement call whether to let parents know or not -- sometimes, parents are the issue.

Also this is super normal. This is a hard age to navigate constantly shifting friendships. OP: stay on the ground. Your kid needs stability from you, not involvement in the drama.

I understand for something confidential, and mandated reporting, I’m a social worker. I was more thinking about if your kid is having a dispute, to the point that it caused a scene and the group was brought to talk to the counselor to intervene, that parents may be notified.

We don’t report that stuff home to parents at my school. IME, involving parents makes it a bigger drama than it needs to be - kids move on if they are allowed to. I only call parents if I think a kid is going to need extra support when they get home and it’s more of a courtesy or a heads up that you might be getting a vulnerable kid that night. Or obviously if I think they are in any danger.

[expectantsteelerfan]

Our counselors do not notify parents when kids come in. I know I would appreciate a heads up from parents if my kid didn't tell me they were going to guidance about an issue and another parent heard about it just so I could check in with my kid about the issue, which is why I felt compelled to share that they were going, but I also didn't want to perpetuate the drama, which is why I was torn.

The girls have gone back to guidance every day this week so far and are still working it out, and no decision has been made about battle of the books either way, and no firm plans have been made to get together to work on it either (but S is going out of town for the weekend anyway), so they have next week to decide basically, so I'm guessing they are either going to all decide it's in their best interest to drop out, or they will sort of half-ass it without putting much effort into it, but either way, I'm fine with leaving it up to them to figure that out. DD had a therapy appt. last night and her therapist talked with both of us about it and reinforced the idea that she can be civil to S even if she hasn't fully forgiven her, and she can let go of the drama for her own peace of mind and move past it at this point if she's ready to instead of continuing to dwell on it every day.

[wanderingback]

At age 11 and up, I certainly don’t think everything needs to be brought to parents. It’s good for kids to have safe spaces outside of their parents to discuss issues and resolve issues. It’s good for counselors and other professionals who work with young people to be able to be trust and relationships. For young people I talk with I always tell them the conversation stays between us unless they are making credible/serious threats to harm themself or someone else.

Glad it sounds like the kids are working things out with the counselor providing guidance.

[waverly]

expectantsteelerfan , I was thinking of that reading your posts. The girls do not have to be friends to do Battle of the Books. When our team did it in elementary school, the school picked the participants. We weren't friends that all hung out after school, and one of the girls I didn't really care for. She was very aggressive. But, we were all polite to each other and did a great job on the Battle of the Books.  It's like co-workers.  Sometimes you won't all be friends, and that's OK.  Since they are working together, they can be civil though.  Such a great skill to have for school and the workplace.