Eeeh, I think I’d be uncomfortable with that. Not even the napping part but the not waking up part. My kid knows not to go outside or answer the door if I’m not right there (like in the shower or something) but I’ve learned not to trust other kids with those same rules. I’ve definitely chilled on the couch when we had a play date but I’d be mortified if a parent came for pickup and I didn’t even notice.
My kids 5 so that is definitely different than 9/10. And I’m biased because we have neighborhood kid drama that stresses us out.
Has your husband been checked for sleep apnea? My dad would fall asleep at work meetings and was always napping. My mom was so mad. Turns out that he was barely getting any sleep at night and had severe apnea.
He has not been tested for anything. This has become a subject that we can't really talk about. I've tried suggesting he talk to his doctor, but because of past arguments he takes it as another attack. He says he has told his doctor that he is always tired, and he turned down the sleep test she offered. But I think this is beyond just being tired and beyond just requiring more sleep than me. It's A LOT.
mpc , Many people leave their 9/10 year olds home alone, so I wouldn't be clutching pearls per se that the adult is napping.
However, maybe a bit alarming that one picked up their child, and the parent slept so deeply that they never woke up. If I am hosting a playdate I am awake the whole time and greeting parents at the door etc. If I offer to host then it is presumed that I am supervising and awake. I also have an overinflated sense of responsibility so there is that.
Is there something else going on that would cause them to sleep so deeply such as drug or alcohol use? At a sleepover, everyone knows the parents would be sleeping because it is night time. I hosted 2 sleepover parties this year, and yes I was asleep while the kids were awake, but the parents knew this would be the case, and were OK with it because that is kind of the definition of a sleepover.
And you know there is always more to the story, right. My husband's napping has been a point of contention in our marriage for many years. He naps every day, regardless of if he slept 6 hours the previous night or 11. Yesterday he slept in AND had already taken a nap before lunch. So when I heard he fell asleep again I was upset. And yes he had had a drink (been drinking?) before falling asleep. So yeah. We argued about it last night. He says my expectations for him are too high. I said it can't get much lower than "stay awake".
And of course overnight both him and our youngest daughter came down with an awful stomach bug. He especially is pretty sick today. So that probably contributed to what happened last night. And like I said earlier, the other mom wasn't even phased by it. So maybe I am just the asshole this time?
Anyway, there's a lot of baggage and history here, so I do appreciate the perspectives with those factors removed.
i'm sorry you are dealling with that, you very much described my H so I completely get it. I didn't respond before you follow-up but my first thought when reading was literally "my H would be parent A". I've been trying to get him to get a sleep study as I'm pretty sure he has sleep apena but he naps every single day. It drives me crazy so I completely get your frustrations.
While I don't think kids that age need active supervision, and I tended to not even invite kids over that needed supervision and made life harder, I would find it odd if the parent was sound asleep the whole time during the day. I would wonder if there were drugs or alcohol involved and I'd look for other red flags. (I was raised in an alcoholic household) I'm sorry it's led to a fight for you, but no, I don't think it's normal to sleep through someone coming and picking up their child.
I have a 10 almost 11 year old. I don't normally even interact with the parents anymore when I pick up. So I probably wouldn't even know if they were sleeping. I am entering into that zone where these things are more set up by the kids verse the parents.
I would feel a little uneasy. It certainly isn't what I would do when my son has kids over. I don't think I would say my kid can't go there again. I would just be a little more alert for something else that might concern me? Or change it up to just having the kid over at our house instead.
It is definately a gray zone. There could be a good explination. Terrible night sleep. Working an overnight etc.
Edit- I saw your post. I would be pissed if this was my H. LOL that this changes my answer. :-)
mpc, A few different things: You said he probably won't listen to you, but absolutely he needs a sleep study.
As a child of an alcoholic my radar was also pinged when you said he was drinking/ drank as in you don't know how much or maybe possibly could be a lot?
I do see how being sick and having a virus could contribute if it were a one off.
Okay based on what you added, I change my answer. If my husband was drinking during one of our kids' playdates, and there was no other adult present, I would be PISSED. That means if someone got hurt, my possibly drunk husband would be driving them to urgent care or the hospital.
When DS has a friend sleep over I still sleep in. They get up at like 6 in the morning. DH has gone on morning runs before while they were up and I was sleeping. DS knows to wake me up if there's a problem. They're both trustworthy, and I wouldn't bat an eye if the situations were reversed.
As to sleeping so much and still being tired, it really does sound like he needs a sleep study. mpc, does he snore? I hope you can convince him to get a sleep study. Untreated apnea can affect the heart.
I think some of you are too breezy. The standard of supervision is higher when you’re hosting someone who isn’t your kid. I have a 10 year old and a 9 year old, but I wouldn’t go to bed if they had a friend over. I would not be comfortable with future play dates if I came to retrieve my child and the only adult slept through it.
Post by maudefindlay on Mar 6, 2023 15:04:44 GMT -5
Before the additional info I just thought it was weird, but eh. The new info changes things. He can't wait till Johnny goes home to drink? How many drinks we talking here? Admittedly I'm not a big drinker, but it's odd to me that he couldn't wait till the playdate was over to drink.
Post by fluffycookie on Mar 6, 2023 15:07:47 GMT -5
mpc, it really sounds like he needs a sleep study. MH was adamant he didn't have sleep apnea, but he was always tired and falling asleep on the couch. He finally did one after we went away for a weekend and it was me, him and DS in the room and none of us could sleep because of his snoring. Now that he has his CPAP it's been a game changer. He no longer falls asleep watching tv at night because he is sleeping so much better.
I once fell asleep sitting up in the hallway, leaning against a wall, during a play date DS1 was having at about the same age. (DS2 is 5 years younger and an EARLY riser so I was very tired). I woke up to his friend yelling to my son “I think your mom is asleep!!” Mortifying lol
I agree that in general I find this NBD in terms of supervision. With your added response I see there is more there that is causing you frustration. In our house I’m the napper. I nap every day we are home unless I have a particularly busy schedule that day (I’m a SAHM). But, I plan it out and set an alarm. I took my nap from 1:30-2 today so I could then have time to walk the dog before school pick up I have it all planned out - i can fall asleep quickly and for me the perfect nap time so I’m not groggy is 30 minutes. DH never really knew the extent of my napping until Covid/he started working from home a few years ago and I think he sometimes slightly judges me but whatever. I love my nap time. I do not have sleep apnea or any sleep issues other than staying up too late most nights (that’s on me). If your DH rules out sleep issues but just likes to nap, I would talk about him scheduling the nap, making sure he has an alarm set, etc. There are ways to nap as an adult without having it be disruptive or annoying to other people.
Wait I’m confused - was he day drinking before he fell asleep during the playdate? That’s more of a concern. drinking with other parents during a play date, sure I’ve done it. Drinking on your own plus a nap is poor judgement and a concern to me (my mom is an alcoholic and I can be overly strict about alcohol issues though to be fair)
And you know there is always more to the story, right. My husband's napping has been a point of contention in our marriage for many years. He naps every day, regardless of if he slept 6 hours the previous night or 11. Yesterday he slept in AND had already taken a nap before lunch. So when I heard he fell asleep again I was upset. And yes he had had a drink (been drinking?) before falling asleep. So yeah. We argued about it last night. He says my expectations for him are too high. I said it can't get much lower than "stay awake".
And of course overnight both him and our youngest daughter came down with an awful stomach bug. He especially is pretty sick today. So that probably contributed to what happened last night. And like I said earlier, the other mom wasn't even phased by it. So maybe I am just the asshole this time?
Anyway, there's a lot of baggage and history here, so I do appreciate the perspectives with those factors removed.
This is a large part of why I left my Ex-H. Our marriage ended a few months after I got home one day with my oldest DS to find my youngest DS locked out of the house with my Ex-H sleeping on the couch. Ex didn't even really wake up when I was screaming at him. He also liked to drink and refused to get tested for sleep apnea.
I would also be very angry that he was drinking while being the only adult during a play date, but I admit I am much more uptight about alcohol than most people. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
mpc , A few different things: You said he probably won't listen to you, but absolutely he needs a sleep study.
As a child of an alcoholic my radar was also pinged when you said he was drinking/ drank as in you don't know how much or maybe possibly could be a lot?
I do see how being sick and having a virus could contribute if it were a one off.
He told me he had a drink (implying one) and maybe that was why he fell asleep. But then our 4 year old woke up middle of the night throwing up. He got up to take care of her and then he started throwing up too. At that point he told me he thought he had had too much to drink and lost it when he saw her throwing up. So that's why I'm unsure how much he drank while the friend was here vs after he went home at dinner time. Now he's been so sick all day I'm sure he has the bug too and it wasn't only alcohol induced.
Wait I’m confused - was he day drinking before he fell asleep during the playdate? That’s more of a concern. drinking with other parents during a play date, sure I’ve done it. Drinking on your own plus a nap is poor judgement and a concern to me (my mom is an alcoholic and I can be overly strict about alcohol issues though to be fair)
I originally said it's not a big deal, but agree with this.
I don't really drink much any more for a variety of reasons, but I would be concerned about him day drinking, alone, while responsible for the kids.
Wait I’m confused - was he day drinking before he fell asleep during the playdate? That’s more of a concern. drinking with other parents during a play date, sure I’ve done it. Drinking on your own plus a nap is poor judgement and a concern to me (my mom is an alcoholic and I can be overly strict about alcohol issues though to be fair)
Yes, I left with our two younger girls around 2. Friend was picked up at 5:30. So sometime in there he had a drink. And yes he was the only adult in the house, so it wasn't a social drink with the other parent or whatever.
I don't know why that didn't really bother me as much as the nap, but the more you all are mentioning it, the more I see that that was problematic too.
mpc, I think since there are a history of sleep problems (unrelated I presume to alcohol) then that makes sense.
But as an outsider, I might think the alcohol caused the sleep problems at least on that day. And that pings a red flag for me.
Now, I wouldn't judge if someone had 1 beer and was fully functional while watching my kid. But anything suggesting non functional to me seems problematic.
OP as presented isn't a problem, but I'd be worried about having slept that deeply that I didn't register someone else in the house. With the additional info, that's cause for concern re: drinking and then falling asleep with someone else's kid there. Especially if there's past history he's unwilling to address. So - stand alone incident: Fine. With additional information - not fine at all.
Wait I’m confused - was he day drinking before he fell asleep during the playdate? That’s more of a concern. drinking with other parents during a play date, sure I’ve done it. Drinking on your own plus a nap is poor judgement and a concern to me (my mom is an alcoholic and I can be overly strict about alcohol issues though to be fair)
Yes, I left with our two younger girls around 2. Friend was picked up at 5:30. So sometime in there he had a drink. And yes he was the only adult in the house, so it wasn't a social drink with the other parent or whatever.
I don't know why that didn't really bother me as much as the nap, but the more you all are mentioning it, the more I see that that was problematic too.
I am a drinker so people consuming alcohol does not seem strange to me. We often have a movie night and invite the next door neighbors, or they have us over for a fire and we all have a few drinks while our kids are present. So I'm really not at all anti-alcohol for parents. Having a drink in the middle of the afternoon while alone with your child AND in charge of someone else's is not anything I would ever do. You mentioned he got up with your daughter in the middle of the night and thought he got sick himself because of drinking. Was he up late after everyone went to bed? Is he often up late alone? The naps might not have anything to do with sleep apnea.
I think some of you are too breezy. The standard of supervision is higher when you’re hosting someone who isn’t your kid. I have a 10 year old and a 9 year old, but I wouldn’t go to bed if they had a friend over. I would not be comfortable with future play dates if I came to retrieve my child and the only adult slept through it.
THIS. There are many things that might be fine if it’s just your own kids home that are just not okay when you’re responsible for someone else’s child. If your husband thinks that having a drink or napping during a playdate are nbd, he needs to not be the sole adult supervising another one.
Post by starburst604 on Mar 6, 2023 15:56:38 GMT -5
It wouldn’t be a big deal to me at that age as the picking up parent, but like you I’d be annoyed with my H for that!m because I personally wouldn’t nap while someone else’s kid was in my care at home.
I wouldn’t necessarily have a problem with a short nap during a play date, especially at that age, but it would bother me that no adult in the house was even aware that I came to pick up my kid. I would just be uncomfortable that they were so soundly asleep they didn’t hear the doorbell or anything. I can’t imagine waking up and realizing my kids friend was gone and I didn’t actually witness an adult picking them up. I would at least suggest your husband set an alarm so he is awake when another parent picks their kid up.
Post by penguingrrl on Mar 6, 2023 16:12:53 GMT -5
With the further information, it sounds like he has a drinking problem. I have no problem with people drinking and have often had a glass or more of wine with the parents while kids had a play date. But drinking alone while in charge of not only my own kid, but also a friend, to the point where I fell asleep and wasn’t woken up by the kid being picked up suggests a deeper issue than having a drink. That combined with drinking to the point of vomiting the night before is a major red flag.
I would be so embarrassed if I slept through pick up, and I'd ask my child why he didn't wake me up!
Same!
I wouldn’t have an issue with the parent falling asleep during the play date but it is kind of weird they didn’t wake up. My H is a heavy sleeper and loves to nap but he even would wake up if a person came into the house.
I would probably send them a text and say ‘hey picked up my kid. Hope they weren’t any trouble’ and if you are friendly enough with them might end it with ‘hope you are doing okay’. They may response with ‘omg I am so embarrassed I was just tired/terrible headache.
ETA: oh shit I missed the follow up, I didn’t realize parent A was your H. I would be more concerned with the drinking than the falling asleep.