We have SD21, SD20, DS10. About 6 months ago, DS would ask for something, I would say I didn't want to spend the money on that and he would respond with "are we running out of money?!" I kept having to explain that we are fine, but that doesn't mean I'm going to spend $90 on an anime collectible he found. We started giving him chores for an allowance so he can control his own money. At Disney he had a gift card with spending money on it, and he was checking prices on everything and decided that most things weren't worth the cost. He had a bunch of money left on it when we got home and did buy himself that anime collectible 🤣 I think now he has a better grasp of saving and prioritizing some things over others.
SD20 has been really irritating me about this. She has a friend who is very irresponsible, her father is a doctor and he and her stepmom just hand over the debit card whenever she goes anywhere. There are no limits. SD keeps saying REPEATEDLY that she wishes she had that. SD20 is also very irresponsible. We will not be doing that even if we won the lottery because she blows her money on stupid shit and she Needs. To. Learn. She scrapes her beater car up constantly and says she doesn't know how it got there. She hit a pole in a parking garage, now there's yellow paint on it. Why the hell would we buy her a car when she keeps doing this? She hit Hs work truck in the driveway too! Well her friend also hit something with her car and her dad took care of it. That friend went away for college in January and since then SD was able to save $6k to buy herself a nicer car. Friend is coming home for the summer so I expect she will be blowing all her money again to keep up with her friend, and keep whining to me about it. Girl, I have enough problems with your father spending money I am NOT giving you a debit card so you can buy $100 worth of snacks you'll forget about that I'll throw away in 4 months (because she does that already with her own money).
SD21 is a saver and very appreciative of things we have bought/provided for her.
I would not say we are upper middle class. We do alright but on this board I'm probably on the lower end.
ETA Oh I forgot to answer the other question, no my brother is a financial mess. He is helped out by my parents a lot and doesn't appreciate it. My H is also different from his sister in that he's a spender with no thought to finances really, I'm in charge of our money. His sister is a saver. There are circumstances from our upbringing that make sense why we are different from our siblings but I've written a ton already lol
I am very open with my kids about money. They know how much I make (when working obviously) as well as how much things cost. I think it’s important for them to understand these things and to keep their expectations in line.
Growing up, I can remember asking for gum at the candy store and my mother said no because we could not afford it. Then a few weeks later, the washing machine broke and we had it replaced within a few days. I said something like, “I thought we didn’t have any money” and my mother said “We don’t. We don’t have any extra money. But we do have savings for things that we need. Like replacing the washer when it breaks down.” So, that sums up my mom’s money talk. In general, we were secure enough that I could be oblivious to anything besides a middle class life.
I also remember banking with my mother. And the lesson that women need their own bank account and money - in case they want to get divorced. (They are still happily married.)
Post by fivechickens on Apr 26, 2023 13:37:57 GMT -5
We are middle class. My husband has always been good with saving and with other things (inheritances and sale of our house) we are financially good.
I grew up with a single mom in one house and my Dr dad in another house so experienced both sides (lower middle and upper middle). My mom was always great with money and knew her limits financially, whereas, my dad was not. Growing up things were better with my dad but he has screwed himself over with bad decisions after bad decisions which is sad for him financially and because he was at one time a well respected Dr.
My kids know we are not wealthy but financially stable. They don’t know how much we make because it’s never been brought up.
I grew up relatively poor, knew it, and was VERY anxious about the uncertainty.
We are not GBCN rich, but we do well and have had a lot of good luck. My kids know that we are fortune to have enough money for everything we need and most of what we want. We talk a lot about making money choices - do we want to go on a big vacation or several small, eat out tonight or Friday? Etc. I want them to be knowledgeable about finances, grateful, but not anxious.
I have now been financially stable for longer than I was unstable, and I still have to specifically talk myself down from unexpected expenses because we have enough money not to worry.
I grew up rich and poor at different times. I was aware of it from a young age. After my parents divorced, my mom worked as a teacher and supported 3 kids on that salary in a somewhat HCOL town. I had jobs from the age of 12 to buy myself pretty much everything. My mom's side of the family is well off. My dad's side is a mix as they were refugees and half live here and half abroad.
H grew up very comfortable. His mom didn't work and his dad did well enough to retire in his 50s.
Our children don't know how much money we have, but they are aware that we do well. That said, we live in a wealthy area and are prob the least well off people in our circle of friends. My kids have begun to realize the differences in the way people live more. Naturally, and because we have frank conversations. They are more appreciative now at age 11 of what things cost and they realize that we are lucky enough to chose how to spend our money.
If they aren't told, kids will realize that they are poor or wealthy pretty easily as they get to be 8 or so. The in-between is probably a bit harder for them to determine exactly where their family sits.
Post by icedcoffee on Apr 26, 2023 14:10:59 GMT -5
I didn't read the OP in a negative light but I guess I can see how it was read that way by some people. Like somehow despite making very good salaries, my parents raised 2 very financially smart kids who not only budget well but are conscientious about their spending. One example is in college I had a credit card my parents paid for that I used to buy my books. At the end of the semester I always sold them and gave my mom the cash (or at least tried..she almost always told me to keep it and treat myself). How is it that she was able to raise 2 kids to act this way? IDK, but I hope my kids are like that. LOL
So yeah, I never thought we were poor, but I certainly never knew that they actually did reasonably well for themselves. I think my parents have a really good attitude toward money in general.
My cousins on the other hand would suck their parents dry of every cent they have if they let them.
I grew up lower class then lower middle class. My parents never talked about money.
My kids are middle to upper middle class in their childhood experience. We talk about it openly and in detail. They know we budget, make good salaries, but have lots of necessary expenses (particularly a child with special needs). I hope to teach them what I took a long, long time to learn.
Post by definitelyO on Apr 26, 2023 14:49:22 GMT -5
I grew up in a small blue collar rural town. My mom was a nurse and my dad worked in a factory until he went on strike. We had a nice ranch home - that my parents and grandpa and uncles built on land that my grandpa owned. But other that that we were lower income and a few years supplemented with food closets, donations from church, etc... got one pair of new pants/shirt for back to school, etc....
I would consider us now to be upper middle class. DS doesn't know our income or amount of savings/investments. But based on what we do - how we live - and conversations - he knows that he is privileged and has more opportunities for travel, multiple ski passes, mountain toys, etc... than his friends do.
And a second follow-up question would be- if you have more than one child or had siblings- do they/you treat money the same way? (like spending vs saving, that sort of thing)
No, they do not have the same attitudes towards money.
My eldest is a saver with a side hustle. Him splashing out is getting an Arizona iced tea & generic oreos (b/c they are cheaper, mom! Still taste great!) for like $3 once a month. He's saved thousands of dollars & is investing in the stock market.
My youngest definitely likes the immediate rush of buying something. We can walk into Target without him whining for things but he definitely enjoys shopping & buying stuff on the regular.
This tracks because I am definitely like my eldest & my H, when we met, was spending $100/mon on CDs when he only liked one song or so on them (while having cc debt). I've gotten him to be on the budget & save & maybe think through before you purchase train, but natively, his attitude is like our youngest.
And a second follow-up question would be- if you have more than one child or had siblings- do they/you treat money the same way? (like spending vs saving, that sort of thing)
I'd say similar but not the same. My sister and I are both savings-focused, but she has a very hard time spending money while it's a lot easier for me, lol. I see something similar with my kids, who just started getting an allowance. The younger one spends it right away while the older one saves up for bigger things. We talk a lot about saving and our family budget, along with our priorities around money.
There's a bit of nature vs. nurture going on. Kids can be raised in the same environment and come out very different. They can generally adopt their parents' outlook or reject it. As a parent, it's helpful to remind myself that there's a limit to how much I can shape my kids. They'll make their own choices and have their own struggles. I don't like the coworker's implication that if you'd just keep your kid in the dark about money, they wouldn't have any issues with spending or consumerism. That's ridiculous.
My parents told us nothing of finances. We were solidly middle-class and were surrounded by the same. Rich, wealthy and spoiled was something I was not exposed to until high school, and even then I drifted towards people more like me.
We are extremely transparent about money and financial literacy is one of the most important things my husband wants to teach our girls. For all intents and purposes we are probably considered wealthy. Our kids know this, they know they are privileged, and that they live in a middle/upper class bubble. Many of the families around here spend a lot. We’ve lived well below our means until recently and we’re finally in a position where we can loosen the reins a bit. Nevertheless, we still try to instill personal responsibility in the kids (earning their own money, wants vs. needs, saving first).
I can't hide our financial status from my kid. We have a vacation home that we don't rent out and just put in a pool.
I can show her about saving, giving to charity, and being environmentaly friendly with shopping second hand, doing buy nothing, etc.
I think for me, it's more important to show her HOW we got to where we are and explain that things cost money. For the last couple years she's been curious about credit cards and we have very frank conversations that yes, we put stuff on a credit card, but then we pay off the card each month and that money comes out of our bank account. I don't want her to see that it's a free for all when society is mostly cashless, which makes the concept difficult.
Growing up, I knew were were ok, but my dad still shopped grocery sales, was a couponer before it was "cool" and bought only generic soda. My mom was big in consigning our outgrown clothes and shopping at the thrift store. I don't think I realized just how well off we were until we moved into a newer house and they started loosening up more on things like back to school shopping and vacations.
Our kids know they live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood. We sent/are sending them to private school, they have extracurriculars, we go on a few vacations a year, we drive nice cars, we have a boat, we belong to a pool club and used to belong to a beach club.
I think it would be impossible for them not to know they're living a pretty nice life (ages 14, 12 and 11). But they also know we work hard, we save, we invest, we have expenses, things cost money, and that we are fortunate. Both my husband and I are active volunteers in our community and our children are learning about service. They have chores and we try not to spoil them. It is a tough balance, but we do the best we can.
I grew up solidly middle class in a nice but not extravagant neighborhood. As kids, my parents never told us their financial situation. My dad had a good job, and my mom stayed home. I do know a few times when I was in middle school mom would choose to buy cigarettes rather than more bread a few days before dad got paid for the month. We were solidly middle class, never went without the basics, but my parents were frugal. At the same time, my brother did every sport the YMCA offered, and I rode horses though college but never owned/leased one. All of our cars were used. I went to excellent public elementary and high schools. Catholic middle school-my parents' church subsidized it heavily for all members; otherwise, I don't think they could have afforded it. We definitely bought more "stuff" and got more school clothes when my mom started working when I was a freshman in HS.
No kids here, but I think kids need to know the basics. Also more like how to balance a checkbook, save for retirement, basic investing, etc as they get older. I wish my parents would have taught me that.
And a second follow-up question would be- if you have more than one child or had siblings- do they/you treat money the same way? (like spending vs saving, that sort of thing)
A lot like looks my kids are polar opposite with money. DS still has money from 3 Christmases ago! DD blows every penny she gets. We make both contribute to their savings. DD deposits 1/2 her check into her savings. Both are required to put some of their gifted cash into their accounts. DD was raised slightly different until 10. She was an only grandchild until DS was born and GMIL died. She got anything and everything she wanted. She tells us it’s hard to control her spending since she is used to grandma and my cousin buying her whatever she wanted.
Post by SusanBAnthony on Apr 26, 2023 16:48:58 GMT -5
I grew up in a "don't even bother to ask for that because we don't have money" type of household.
Around when I was in high school both my parent's incomes increased and they paid off a lot of debt (they had huge student loans that took 15 years to pay off). They still weren't really forthcoming about finances but in retrospect I think they just didn't manage or understand their own finances particularly well.
We are open with our kids and regularly remind them how lucky they are.
ETA: both my siblings are also responsible with money. We are all a little different (my sister a little less responsible than me, my brother a little more) but not too much.
I grew up upper middle class and my family was financially secure, but my mom was a social worker who worked with families living below the poverty level. My mom probably didn’t realize the impact of her words, but she would often talk to us about how situations like homelessness could happen to anyone, including us, and it really scared me as a kid.
At this point my 10 and 5 year old know that we are comfortable and that we make choices about how to spend and save our money and different families make different choices. We live in a wealthy area and can’t hide our privilege. I’m not sure what financial situation we will share with our children in the future.
I don’t think I knew my family’s SES growing up, only that we had enough money to not worry about essentials. It’s a sign of privilege to be in that position.
My kids know that we have enough money to pay for school, a house, vacations, etc. They also go to school with some uber wealthy people, and so they know that many people have much much more money than we. We also talk a lot (in school and at home) about privilege and gratitude. They know how privileged they are, and the role that being white and generational wealth played in our lives and therefore theirs.
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
I think kids need to know the basics. Also more like how to balance a checkbook, save for retirement, basic investing, etc as they get older. I wish my parents would have taught me that.
So much all of this! When I was 17/18 my mom left a singed blank check for me to give to the repairman who came while I was the only one home. That nice repairman taught me how to write a check. Even when I asked my parents direct questions about how to do the above things I never really got an answer.
My husband’s parents often talked in front of him about financial concerns that caused him a great deal of stress and guilt as a child. We will ensure our children have a strong understanding of personal finance and know the privileges they have (and the many factors that led to that privilege), but they do not need to know the specific details of our own finances or be included in the real time of any of the sometimes stressful financial decisions that adults make.
they do not need to know the specific details of our own finances or be included in the real time of any of the sometimes stressful financial decisions that adults make.
I agree-- I have a vivid memory of being 7 years old and my parents pulling out the grocery store receipt from last month and asking what I thought we didn't really need because we couldn't afford as much food this month. (I picked Ritz crackers.) I think I was too young to be included in that conversation and I worried a lot after that.
My kids think we are struggling. I was raised to be very frugal and we live in a wealthy area of our city. SO, we look like we have less because we don't have a second home or vacation in an extravagant way. However, we are very comfortable and on track for retirement. I didn't realize until lately that my kids think we have a lower income and can't afford things. I am now doing my best to educate them and make sure they understand how privileged they are.
Post by somersault72 on May 1, 2023 11:13:44 GMT -5
My parents never let me know they were in financial trouble growing up which I appreciate (I don't think you should burden kids with things like that), but they often spent beyond their means and didn't really teach me how to be financially savvy.
We are solidly middle class--no more, no less and my husband will sometimes make offhand comments about how poor we are in front of our teen which causes him to freak out. I HATE when he does that. I try to be reasonably honest: no we're not poor, but we don't have unlimited amounts of money, either. I don't go into the nitty gritty details of our finances though.
I grew up fairly lower middle class but my grandparents had money and I needed nothing (but wanted lots). My dad, my only parent, is the least materialistic person ever and never understood why I would want anything. So it was both -- we didn't really have money for extras and my father could not have been bothered.
Now I'm a single mom in a very HCOL city and I'm a teacher, so if I was living on just my salary, we'd struggle. I've been lucky with some unanticipated inheritance and we are mostly ok. I am pretty conservative with how I spend. I'm not out there spending freely, but I'm also fairly secure. I think my kids know this. They don't get to keep up with their classmates, most of whom have way more money than I do, but they are fed and clothed and mostly have the things they want.
My DDs know that I make a lot more money than their dad. He lives in a not very nice part of town in an apartment and I have a house (and we just bought a bigger one that we are moving into). ExH also makes a point to say things about how broke he is, how much more money I have, etc. to the kids all the time. It's not in a helpful, educational way. It's in a way that stresses them out and is too detailed for kids to be worrying about. It's also annoying because he tells them to ask me for things because I can afford it.
I definitely make a decent living, but I also pay for every expense related to the children. ExH isn't required to contribute at all. So in a HCOL area, it adds up fast. We are certainly doing fine though. For a while, things were tight because I had to pay off my large student loans. That was an educational opportunity for me to explain to the girls how budgeting works.
But, then we have to contend with my stepson, who's mom spends money like crazy and has had a lot of things paid for by her parents. She's a lawyer who owns a home and didn't have to pay for college or the house, it was all given to her and she's on her new husband's insurance. So to SS, mom looks super rich and like she's way better off than me and dad and is always buying him whatever he wants. But, in reality, our salaries are probably similar, but she has way less bills to pay and responsibilities to worry about. I try to explain that to him in thoughtful ways because he's very much hung up on being rich like mom someday.
Our kids are 9 and almost 6, and we've taught them some basic financial concepts. They also learn some in school. We never talk numbers at this age. The younger one will sometimes ask us how much money we have, and if it's more than $1,000
We do struggle with trying not to spoil them, especially with vacations. I never went on vacations as a kid, so I feel like I've been overcompensating with them.