Kids and finances- some questions

[wesleycrusher]

If your family is financially secure (not mega wealthy, but middle/upper middle class), did you know this growing up and/or do your kids know this? 

Do you think it is possible to hide or shield your kids from knowing this? 

[icedcoffee]

I grew up thinking my parents were much poorer than the are. It's only since college that I've realized they did very well for themselves. Like I always felt secure, but I would have guessed they were less secure than they are. So yes...I think you can shield them. My parents still budgeted, couponed, looked for good deals, made us earn stuff, etc.

[rosiebear]

To shield your kids from knowing their family is wealthy? Wut.

My kids know how privileged they are and I think it’s important they do. We are not ML rich - we are civil servants with a solid middle to upper middle income and we own our home. My kids know how lucky they are that we could pay for 2/3 of their college.

I’m not sure what you mean by shielding them from their family wealth - unless there’s a surprise trust waiting for them, it’s pretty obvious what you have.

[gretchenindisguise]

I knew it just by being aware of my surroundings growing up, but my parents never talked about money with us.

We talk more about money with our kids intentionally. They know we do ok, but are less wealthy than many of their peers and more wealthy than some others. For the country, we are doing well - but for where we live I think we are solidly in the middle.

[twilightmv]

I grew up secure and always felt secure, but I never felt super well off growing up. My parents were pretty frugal in places. My dad loves a deal and they were never ostentatious. My friends around me had similar experiences. Everything around me just felt normal, standard.
When I went to college some of my friends pointed out some of the privileges I had that I never questioned. I absolutely think it’s possible to shield your kids, unless you’re mega wealthy. “Rich” to me as a kid was Richie rich, Cher from Clueless, fresh prince, etc. Anything short of that to me as a kid was “normal”.

[brooklyn]

I totally had no idea how much money we had growing up. We lived in a unrenovated, dilapidated apartment with no air conditioning and never took fancy vacations. I did attend $$$ private schools but just assumed all our money went to that. I never felt like I could compete with the girls in our class who all had palatial Park avenue residences and unlimited spending money. My dad is incredibly frugal with his spending, and was financially abusive to my mother who had to be very careful with how much she spent.

As an adult, I know he’s a very wealthy asshole. At least he’s set up very generous trusts for my kids.

H and I are significantly less wealthy, but are also more apt to enjoy life and take vacations. I hope to give my kids a more balanced upbringing. They know they live a privileged life.

[Gato]

I felt my family was secure, even though my mom didn't work until I was 14 and my dad was out of work the whole year I was 5, and underemployed until around the time my mom started working.

I knew we didn't have a lot of things my friends had. No microwave, no cable, one car that was very old. I always struggled to have enough clothes for school. But they never, ever talked about our money or lack of it. 

Then sometime in my 20s, I looked back at my kid life and realized my parents actually had a lot of money, they were just doing the millionaire next door thing and very frugal. We lived in a big house on one of the nicest streets in town, and my dad owned two apartment buildings on Beacon Hill in Boston.


So yes, you can shield your kid from your finances - or maybe I was just especially slow, haha.

[gardengal]

My kids definitely are being taught they are previledged. And, also, just because you have money you don't spend it all; saving and giving are very important too. We still buy many things used, repair stuff, etc.

It's definitely the "I don't *feel* rich" but you totally are because you don't have a calculator at the grocery store & if you decided to spend $50 on lunch it's nbd.

[rosiebear]

My response was pretty grumpy - apologies. I think the word “shield” rubbed me the wrong way. Like, unless you have so much money that it could be a destructive force (in which case - give it away), your kid doesn’t need “shielding.” Your kid is perfectly safe and should probably know about privilege and responsibility.

[waverly]

I think it is possible to lie/ hide/ shield a lot of stuff from a lot of people if you really want to.

But, how does dishonesty serve you in this kind of situation?

As a child, I knew our basic finances. Our kids know some of our finances, and some they don't. I am sure their knowledge will increase as they get older.

[mccallister84]

We try to be open about money but I don’t know how much they get it (and granted they are only 4 and 6). But I knew growing up not to ask for x,y,z because we couldn’t afford it.

That’s not the case for my girls. And we talk about how we have to make decisions about what to spend our money on, etc but the biggest reason we have financial flexibility is due to our housing choices which were made before they were born and it’s not something they can easily “see.”

Regardless, I want them to be aware of our financial situation. I also want them to have realistic expectations of what life will be like for them as a young adult venturing out on their own.

[flygirl]

I grew up poor so don’t really have much to add based upon my own experience. But I will say it’s a lot harder to “shield” your children from reality when the reality is you can’t afford anything.

I talk to my DS all the time about how privileged he is. I’m not sure I’m doing a good job though because at his age it’s just a vague concept to him. We volunteer and donate but again given my own experience as a child, it’s so much different than living it.

[emilyinchile]

If you live at a certain lifestyle, at some point when they're old enough to be aware your kids are going to assume that's your economic level - like if you're flying first class they're going to catch on that you're well off, but if you're living way below your means and just have a ton of money saved or invested and never talk about that, they're probably going to assume that you can't afford more expensive options.

That said I think it's very possible for kids not to realize the extent of the family's wealth and privilege. I grew up for example in what felt like a very normal setting because it was similar to that of many of my friends, and it's only now as an adult that I understand how much things cost and can see that even though I know we had more than many, I didn't realize just how much more. (I'm not secretly a Bezos child or anything, I promise!)

[noodleoo]

Yeah, I'm guessing there is a reason you are asking and it would help to know the context.

I think if you are middle/upper class your kids will know it based on where you live, cars you drive, vacations you take, stuff you have (toys, electronics, etc), etc. If you have millions in your bank account, they obviously won't know that unless you tell them. But kids are smart and they compare themselves to others, so they'll know where you stand relative to their peers.

Now, if you live in a middle class bubble, they will probably have no idea how privileged you actually are. If that is what you want, you need to expose them to real world. Volunteer work is probably a good way to give them perspective.

[mrsslocombe]

My parents were both public school teachers, and were lucky enough to live in LCOL but a state that pays teachers pretty well on average.

My mother was very open about finances with me and why they lived very comfortably. Things like they bought a small house that they paid off early, so their housing costs were very low. They paid off their credit cards every month, paid for cars in full at time of purchase, had no debt, etc. My father was ex-military so he got some benefits from that, plus for many years he worked a separate job over the summer. They didn't buy a lot of things, we didn't travel much, they had insanely great health insurance, solid pensions. I appreciate now that not only did I feel secure growing up, I also understood the immense amount of privilege that we had that lead to that security.

I don't really understand WHY you would want to shield your kids from this info.

[devonpow]

I guess the question is, why would you want to shield your kids from this knowledge? Or from knowing you are mega wealthy/middle class/lower income? I think it’s important for kids to have strong financial literacy, and that includes knowing their families situation. Our kids know things like DH’s salary, investments, etc (DH is a finance person so this is his favorite topic lol)

I also stress to my kids certain things like:

- we are very lucky. A large reason our family is comfortable financially now is due to white privilege/generational wealth. Their grandparents being able to buy homes in certain neighborhoods/go to college etc has long term ramifications. Use this information to do good and help others. It’s not about “oh my dad works hard” etc. There are a lot of factors ar play and huge income disparity in this country. Acknowledge this.

- just because we can afford certain things doesn’t mean we buy them. They know how much DH makes etc. They also know that no they aren’t getting XYZ or no there’s no reason to replace our older car just because everyone else has newer cars or whatever. I don’t want to say “we can’t afford it” when we can. Instead they need to learn “this is how you choose to spend your money on things and not on others”

- I always try to stress that they know our financial situation because we tell them and are honest. They have NO way of knowing others true financial situations. Their friend taking fancy vacations and wearing $400 shoes could be in mountains of debt. Their other friend who lives in a small apartment etc could be incredibly wealthy and they choose to spend their money differently. So never judge or assume. You know our family’s situation and that’s it

[TR]

Are you worried about the kids being spoiled? There are ways to do that that don’t involve them not knowing the family is well-off

And I think a lot of it comes down to your circles. If you’re surrounded by upper/upper middle class families your kids may not realize they’re well off because they see everyone else at the same level. Like I had the opposite experience, we were probably lower middle class, but we didn’t have friends who were all that much better off so I never felt wanting. It’s only in retrospect when I hear about people who traveled internationally as kids/teenagers or had a gap year to backpack around Europe that I’m like “Oh. Yeah. That wasn’t a thing people I knew did.” It’s been a point of contention with H and I sometimes because he did grow up in those circles.

[felicity]

I agree it's hard to understand the context of why you would want to hide middle/upper middle class financial status. That's average to slightly above average, and what's wrong with a kid knowing that?

We don't hide that we are financially stable and can afford stuff. We talk about privilege, how lucky we've been, and how hard we've worked. We talk about saving and investing. I don't think finances should be some secretive thing, and while keeping it age appropriate, are good to teach our kids.

[Velar Fricative]

Well, my parents did a pretty good job of hiding that we were poor when I was growing up, so I would imagine it's probably even easier to hide money you have then try to make it look like there's money there when there isn't. DH was the opposite - his parents were/are wealthy and he got so mad when he ultimately saw how much they made when he had to fill out the FAFSA for college after his mom would especially pull the "No, we have 5 kids and are poor" nonsense.

As far as my kids are concerned, they are 9 and almost 6. I haven't shared our net worth or anything lol, but I remind them that we are always grateful to have a house with enough space for them, food when they ask for it, non-necessities like youth activities and travel, etc. And that's it...I don't know how much more I can do when they're still young like this.

[blondemoment123]

My dad was in the military and my mom switched careers to teaching, so we definitely weren't rich. I didn't realize until much later in life that both sets of grandparents were well off, though.

I'd say H and I are middle class, but we live in an area with lots of wealthy people so DS will learn that mommy and daddy don't have multiple homes, fancy cars, etc. like some of his classmates.

[Gato]

I think the environment you're in makes a difference, too. My kids go to a school where many kids are newly arrived in this country with nothing but the clothes on their backs. Then there are other kids whose parents are doctors, lawyers, CEO's etc. We are somewhere in the middle and I'm sure there are signs of this that they pick up on.

We lived on the Princeton campus for a while and that was a whole different universe. On the one hand, most of my kids' little friends had parents who were professors or PhD candidates, so everyone was fairly well-off or about to be so. On the other hand, some of the Princeton students were SO WEALTHY. It was a very bizarre place to live, feeling poor-ish when compared to the kids of billionaires.

As a parent, I think part of my responsibility is to give my kids a clear picture of the wider world when sometimes the place they grow up skews what they might see and believe.

[W.T.Faulkner]

My kids are little, but we've already explained to my 4 year-old that we have to work to pay for things we need/want, etc. I don't think we'll discuss specific numbers with them, but I do want them to be more aware than I was of the vast differences in socioeconomic class in the US. I grew up in a major bubble, and had no idea how privileged I was until I was older. 

Edit: There will be no hiding the fact that my parents are very wealthy. I often wonder if my kids ask why I chose to fall several rungs down the socioeconomic ladder. lol 

[wesleycrusher]

This was brought up in a conversation with a coworker about DS age 10 and some behavioral issues he has related to spending money, stealing money and the need to buy "stuff" (there is a larger story there, he has behavioral/emotional issues and is in treatment). We do talk about things being a trade-off, like we live in a smaller house, but that allows us to travel.

Coworker suggested that DS know less about our financial situation, but I didn't see how that is possible since I think it is obvious in the ways mentioned in this thread, like eating out, vacations, etc.    I was wondering if I was off base with that. 

[wesleycrusher]

And a second follow-up question would be- if you have more than one child or had siblings- do they/you treat money the same way? (like spending vs saving, that sort of thing)

[felicity]

wesleycrusher,Sorry you're dealing with that. I highly doubt that's why your DS did those things. I'd guess it has more to do with being a symptom of other issues he's having, or this is a way of showing you he's upset or has some other emotional need.

[meanie]

My parents always told me we were "poor" when I was growing up, but were very closed mouthed on the specifics. In reality we were solidly middle class but living in a very very HCOL area, so we lived in an apartment.

On the flip side my dad's side was wealthy and my grandmother lived alone in a huge house on a beautiful property in a wealthy town. Once in a while my parents bounced around the idea of living there, but it never happened. I never questioned the arrangement as a kid but as an adult it makes me scratch my head.

My H comes from a family that is very open about finances. Blending this for our own kids has left us somewhere in the middle - we will tell them when we do or don't have money for something, we tell them we are very fortunate and they see us working hard. They don't know our salaries but they are still little, I could see us sharing that when they are older if they want to know. We are probably upper middle class but it doesn't feel like it.

[rosiebear]

Apr 26, 2023 12:54:51 GMT -5 wesleycrusher said:

And a second follow-up question would be- if you have more than one child or had siblings- do they/you treat money the same way? (like spending vs saving, that sort of thing)

My son hates to spend money. My daughter loves to spend money.
Our son just landed his first post-college job and earns enough to have a studio apartment, no car, and Wi-Fi. He is happy as a clam.

Daughter is studying abroad and is finally, finally learning the value of learning to cook, getting by without a car, and having a budget. Our plan is for them both to ease out of the nest when they graduate - hopefully her salary will also allow her the basics and we can supplement/subsidize where needed. For example, both kids are still on their dads family phone plan. Both kids are on my health insurance and can stay there if needed until age 26. We can buy them some groceries once in a while - that sort of thing.

[glitzy07]

I personally think it's important that my kids understand their privilege and that we use it as a way to teach them lessons. We are better off than my parents were, but I also never worried when I was a kid. I didn't know specifics about their financial situation, I just knew that I didn't get brand name clothing and we didn't do big yearly vacations like some other families. But I also knew that I was able to play sports and we had cable tv and a Nintendo, and some people didn't have enough for that either.

My kids also don't know the specifics of our financials, but they know that mom and dad work hard for the money that allows them to play hockey and to have nice things and to be able to eat out. My younger boys are 9 and 7 and I recently started an allowance. They get $1 per year of age (so $9 and $7) and have to save 1/3 of it. They are allowed to spend the rest on what they wish, and they've gotten used to me telling them no when they ask for something, but telling them they're welcome to use their own money for it. The 9yo is more of a saver and the 7yo needs to spend his money on absolutely garbage trinkets and candy as soon as he has it. But then he's learning that if he doesn't save up for bigger things, he won't be able to get them because mom's not buying them for him. So yes, we treat them the same way but the dollar amounts are different and they treat money differently based on their own personalities.

[mrsslocombe]

Apr 26, 2023 12:54:51 GMT -5 wesleycrusher said:

And a second follow-up question would be- if you have more than one child or had siblings- do they/you treat money the same way? (like spending vs saving, that sort of thing)

I have one sister, we were different as kids. I always saved my allowance/birthday money, and would only very occasionally spend it on a special thing. My sister always spent the money the second she got it. I don't really understand how we ended up so different, other than inherent personality traits. She's the more impulsive personality. 

As adults, she's definitely still more of a spender and doesn't have a huge amount of savings (she also doesn't make a whole lot of money as a public servant). But she pays her bills on time, isn't in debt, etc. 

[CrazyLucky]

I grew up lower class. Not like homeless levels of poverty, but definitely needed help from the food pantry and lost the house and had to move more than once. I was pretty acutely aware of not having as much as other kids. Like I couldn't join the travel softball team because it cost $65 (I wish travel only cost $65 now!) But I didn't recognize and appreciate things like my mom wearing shoes with holes because she had four growing kids who also needed shoes until I was older.
DH and I are comfortable. Not rich! But there is no concern about losing the house, not having enough food, or not being able to afford activities for the kids. As a family, we donate a lot and do a lot of volunteer work, and we talk about how it's part of our value system that when we have more than we need, we share with others who don't have enough. I don't want the kids to stress about not having enough and I also want them to understand the concept of sharing, whether that is through donations to the shelter, helping with Habitat for Humanity, or paying a reasonable amount of taxes so that others can have basic needs. I am SO glad schools are doing financial literacy now. I wish I had it when I was a kid!