I need parenting help re: BIG emotions

[Bernadine]

I’m at my wits end.

Dd will be 7 in June. We’re just starting the process of getting a possible ADHD diagnosis, so that’s at play here as well.

She has BIG emotions, all the time. For example, this morning, I told her I would play with her after she brushed her teeth. Cue a 20 minute absolute meltdown. Screaming, laying on the floor, kicking, crying.

I do my best to stay calm, because I’ve learned that losing my shit only makes it worse. She definitely feeds off of my bad energy. But god DAMN I just about lose my mind sometimes.

Any suggestions? Commiseration?

[sugarbear1]

So much commiseration. My DSs are 13 and 10 now and are both began working their way out of these tantrums right around 10. DS1 has an ADHD diagnosis and DS2 definitely does not, but both had these emotional valleys. I'm sorry. I really have no advice other than to say, you're doing the best you can and this is pretty typical.

[joy]

I can only speak to my kid, but I let her have her big feelings and wait for them to pass before engaging. So, if the boundaries I draw bring out these behaviors, then I would say “okay, I will wait for you to calm down” and then still follow thru on what was decided. In this case, I would wait for the tantrum to end and then brush teeth and go play.

I would also ask while playing why she had such big feelings about it. Why did she feel the way she did when I said that? It could help figure out what was wrong in the moment and avoid the same reaction again.

It’s a balancing act of being aware of feelings vs. indulging preferences too much. That’s a line you have to draw based on the request from the kid and living in a family unit/society.

EDIT - yelling at a child who has lost control doesn’t help regain control; it just adds to the chaos. Kids don’t lose control to piss us off; they are lacking in the skills and maturity to handle their feelings. it comes with age, practice and witnessing others model it for them.

[lucybrown]

Ditto sugarbear1 .

People with ADHD can be 3-4 years behind chronological age for emotional regulation/maturity. Learning this really gave me perspective and adjust my expectations accordingly. Functioning can also vary wildly, where she regulates fairly well sometimes and not others. I have also found that my losing my shit makes it worse. All we can do is try our best. And know our kids are too.

[loira]

Commiseration. My 7 year old DD has taken to screaming "Noooooooooooo!" anytime there's a mere suggestion of her doing something she doesn't feel like doing. It's particularly bad when she's got a little plan in her head for things she wants to do, but there's only time to do some of them. Omg the meltdowns when I tell her she has to get ready for bed and she hasn't completed all of them! She doesn't have the greatest sense of time, and even warnings and timers aren't working all that well at the moment. Honestly, she was easier as a toddler.

[dcn]

My 7 year old also has huge reactions to things and it is exhausting. He yells at me whenever he disagrees with me which is basically all the time.

Most of the time I just say something like “I see you are upset/angry/whatever but please don’t yell. Let’s both take a deep breath and try again.”

If he’s in a meltdown I just tell him I’ll be right there when he’s done and ready to talk.

[sonrisa]

Honestly I'm exhausted by it all, have few suggestions, and can just commiserate.

[luckystar2]

This is how my dd was and still can be. Around that age was definitely difficult. I had no idea that this could be part of adhd. So if you think adhd is in play, then it really could be part of that. Once on meds the emotional outbursts have been better (although not totally perfect but my kid is older and now we are dealing with hormone issues on top of it.)

I don’t have any advice other than to figure out the adhd component and really push for that. We started taking dd to therapist because of these emotional outbursts around that age and literally nothing the therapist suggested helped. It wasn’t until years later when we tried a different therapist did she pretty quickly home in on adhd. I wish we would have been able to get her diagnosed sooner and on meds.

It’s a challenge. I am still mentally exhausted at this point (she’s almost 15). After so many years of dealing with stuff I have no patience with her. We are seeing family therapist and sometimes I go on my own just to vent.

[CurlyQ284]

May 3, 2023 11:00:21 GMT -5 lucybrown said:

Ditto sugarbear1 .

People with ADHD can be 3-4 years behind chronological age for emotional regulation/maturity. Learning this really gave me perspective and adjust my expectations accordingly. Functioning can also vary wildly, where she regulates fairly well sometimes and not others. I have also found that my losing my shit makes it worse. All we can do is try our best. And know our kids are too.

Allllll of this. I try to remind myself of the maturity all the time.

My son used to melt down over brushing teeth all the time. Looking back I don't think it was about the brushing. It either signaled that it was time to leave for school, or time to go to bed (both hated activities). Giving a lot of reminders helps him with transitioning. It's easier now that he's 10 and remembers he can look at a clock and check the time for himself but I used to give 15/10/5 minute warnings for transitioning. He doesn't do it anymore but for a while there it was twice a day meltdowns (and probably too much alcohol for me).

Come to think of it, the change may have started when he started guanfacine. It really brings him down a bit as far as the hyperactivity goes but it probably also brings him down a couple notches as far as his reactions to things too.

[simpsongal]

That sounds really hard, I'm sorry.

Not in the same boat but my 6 yr old DD has some big feelings sometimes. I try to ensure the low hanging fruit is taken care of and not a trigger - i.e., she's eating good healthy food, sleeping enough, getting lots of exercise, not too much screen time. I've discovered that like me she gets hangry.

For the morning, would a schedule help? So it's like a written, stated, and predictable pattern of do x-y-z and then other things can happen? I hope your pedi or other professionals (and posters) can provide helpful suggestions.

[estrellita]

Both my kids do this, but my 8yo with ADHD does it more intensely and has a harder time calming down. I've started learning his triggers and try to either avoid them, or make them easier. I have to be specific and clear with him or he will flip out. He asks to play a video game, we have to clarify that "not right now" isn't a no. If we can give him an exact timeframe, that helps. Or if I ask him to clean his room. I give him specific tasks like "put your books on the bookshelf" or even write him a list to lessen the distractions. He still complains and will do anything to get out of it, but at least he's not throwing a fit 😂 Calming strategies don't work on him because he will just refuse to even try, so I rarely try those anymore. I just let him feel his feelings and do what I can to stay calm (which is HARD with my anxiety). The 5yo flips out sometimes but she's been known to go into her room on her own to calm down, or I've seen her taking deep breaths without prompting! It's nice when that happens!

Not a ton of advice there, but I absolutely know how exhausting it is. I'd like to get him into some sort of counseling but it hasn't worked out yet (he does get support at school and is on meds, fyi).

[sonrisa]

One thing that helps is greatly limiting screen time (the week the little one lost their iPad was amazing). But sometimes that just turns into them arguing over why they can't have screen time.

[pinkdutchtulips]

May 3, 2023 11:38:25 GMT -5 luckystar2 said:

This is how my dd was and still can be. Around that age was definitely difficult. I had no idea that this could be part of adhd. So if you think adhd is in play, then it really could be part of that. Once on meds the emotional outbursts have been better (although not totally perfect but my kid is older and now we are dealing with hormone issues on top of it.)

I don’t have any advice other than to figure out the adhd component and really push for that. We started taking dd to therapist because of these emotional outbursts around that age and literally nothing the therapist suggested helped. It wasn’t until years later when we tried a different therapist did she pretty quickly home in on adhd. I wish we would have been able to get her diagnosed sooner and on meds.

It’s a challenge. I am still mentally exhausted at this point (she’s almost 15). After so many years of dealing with stuff I have no patience with her. We are seeing family therapist and sometimes I go on my own just to vent.

This is my life as well. We JUST got the ADHD dx last month at 13 even though she’s been showing signs of ADHD as early as 5 but absolutely at 8 and started meds. An earlier dx would have made a world of difference but also I think a 2 parent functional co-parenting relationship would have helped too. We’re fine tuning the dosage but it still feels like a hostage situation at my house 😫😵‍💫 I’d love to do family therapy but she is 100% resistant to therapy.

[luckystar2]

May 3, 2023 11:52:03 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

One thing that helps is greatly limiting screen time (the week the little one lost their iPad was amazing). But sometimes that just turns into them arguing over why they can't have screen time.

Yes - agree with this. That has always been her consequence. But just limiting it in general seems to help. I have no idea why. She is just watching dumb shows for the most part. But we definitely notice a difference in her attitude when she has less screentime. But yeah sometimes that just creates another battle!

[luckystar2]

May 3, 2023 11:55:59 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

May 3, 2023 11:38:25 GMT -5 luckystar2 said:

This is how my dd was and still can be. Around that age was definitely difficult. I had no idea that this could be part of adhd. So if you think adhd is in play, then it really could be part of that. Once on meds the emotional outbursts have been better (although not totally perfect but my kid is older and now we are dealing with hormone issues on top of it.)

I don’t have any advice other than to figure out the adhd component and really push for that. We started taking dd to therapist because of these emotional outbursts around that age and literally nothing the therapist suggested helped. It wasn’t until years later when we tried a different therapist did she pretty quickly home in on adhd. I wish we would have been able to get her diagnosed sooner and on meds.

It’s a challenge. I am still mentally exhausted at this point (she’s almost 15). After so many years of dealing with stuff I have no patience with her. We are seeing family therapist and sometimes I go on my own just to vent.

This is my life as well. We JUST got the ADHD dx last month at 13 even though she’s been showing signs of ADHD as early as 5 but absolutely at 8 and started meds. An earlier dx would have made a world of difference but also I think a 2 parent functional co-parenting relationship would have helped too. We’re fine tuning the dosage but it still feels like a hostage situation at my house 😫😵‍💫 I’d love to do family therapy but she is 100% resistant to therapy.

If you ever want to talk let me know! It’s soooo frustrating!

So the last 2 times we went to therapy we got in a huge fight on way there (in regards to other things). But that makes her even more resistant to therapy. Last time I literally went in while she stayed in car and she finally decided to come in. She absolutely is resistant and told therapist she is forced to be there. So I didn’t schedule another session right now for her but I did for myself! Sometimes we go in together, sometimes just her, sometimes just me or just dh/me. You could try going on your own and maybe she could eventually be convinced.

I am hoping to get her back in once her sport season is over and definitely over summer when she has more time. During the school year is just sooo busy.

[fernweh]

My nephew used to react similarly to very small triggers. He has since been diagnosed with both ADHD and ASD so I’m not sure if one of them contributed more than the other or if it was the two co-mingling.
Between his medication and age (he is 14 now)his emotions have mostly leveled out though he does still had his moments.

[meanie]

I don't know but you are not alone. My DD was the same at 7, she is almost 10 and still has big big feelings but is slightly better at managing them. Sort of.

The only advice I have is trying to keep in mind that she is at the mercy of some crazy hormones and will be for the next...idk how long! I try my best (and often fail) to just ride it out and not react, even if she says and does things that push every button.

Lots of alone time to decompress - for both of you. Also wine for you.

[mpc]

May 3, 2023 10:59:41 GMT -5 joy said:

I can only speak to my kid, but I let her have her big feelings and wait for them to pass before engaging. So, if the boundaries I draw bring out these behaviors, then I would say “okay, I will wait for you to calm down” and then still follow thru on what was decided. In this case, I would wait for the tantrum to end and then brush teeth and go play.

I would also ask while playing why she had such big feelings about it. Why did she feel the way she did when I said that? It could help figure out what was wrong in the moment and avoid the same reaction again.

It’s a balancing act of being aware of feelings vs. indulging preferences too much. That’s a line you have to draw based on the request from the kid and living in a family unit/society.

EDIT - yelling at a child who has lost control doesn’t help regain control; it just adds to the chaos. Kids don’t lose control to piss us off; they are lacking in the skills and maturity to handle their feelings. it comes with age, practice and witnessing others model it for them.

I don't mean to single you out, and anyone else can give their perspective. You say you wait out the tantrum and then carry out the original boundaries. What does one do if the tantrum lasts half an hour with no end in sight? My 4 year old can outlast us every time. Or what if you are going somewhere or it is bedtime and you don't have time to wait them out? I'm just struggling with what to do. My DH's method is yelling, but I agree that it doesn't really solve anything. But it can bring about compliance quicker than my methods which he takes as a win for yelling. 

[sonrisa]

May 3, 2023 12:08:55 GMT -5 mpc said:

You say you wait out the tantrum and then carry out the original boundaries. What does one do if the tantrum lasts half an hour with no end in sight? My 4 year old can outlast us every time. Or what if you are going somewhere or it is bedtime and you don't have time to wait them out? I'm just struggling with what to do. My DH's method is yelling, but I agree that it doesn't really solve anything. But it can bring about compliance quicker than my methods which he takes as a win for yelling. 

And similarly - what if waiting it out just means they have succeeded at their goal? (they miss the thing they didn't want to do, they disrupt everyone else, they suck all the attention in the room, etc.)

Waiting it out is a strategy. It works in some situations, with some kids. Just like it's converse - stop everything and leaving. Or yelling (not a great strategy, but it really does shut some kids down in some circumstances - which is why your husband does it.) Or time outs. Or coping skills. Or giving in, or, or, or...

[mae0111]

Both of my DDs have big emotions and both have ADHD. Dd2 (10) seems to be able to calm herself down more easily than DD1 (13). Medication definitely helped to reduce the frequency and duration, but the meltdowns still happen 2-3 times a week.

We havent found anything that helps other than just letting her do whatever she wants. Which obviously is not sustainable.

Triggers are brushing teeth; showers; eating food other than pizza, chips, and candy; homework; being told no.

The meltdown itself doesn’t result in punishment, but there’s usually bad behavior that leads to punishment, and that causes a meltdown.

Sorry no advice, just commiseration… it’s very draining and, honestly, pretty lonely.

[lilac05]

I highly recommend following @drbeckyatgoodinside on Instagram and reading her book “Good Inside.” She refers to kids who have big emotions as Deeply Feeling Kids. She has actual scripts for situations that you can try rather than just some big theories that you don’t know what to do with. She’s also VERY supportive of parents. There’s no shaming, only support. (It helps that she also has a DFK.) She has an online community and lots of online courses, but I haven’t done any. They’re on really specific topics, and I’d imagine they’re really helpful & supportive.

[ans1999]

May 3, 2023 12:08:55 GMT -5 mpc said:

May 3, 2023 10:59:41 GMT -5 joy said:

I can only speak to my kid, but I let her have her big feelings and wait for them to pass before engaging. So, if the boundaries I draw bring out these behaviors, then I would say “okay, I will wait for you to calm down” and then still follow thru on what was decided. In this case, I would wait for the tantrum to end and then brush teeth and go play.

I would also ask while playing why she had such big feelings about it. Why did she feel the way she did when I said that? It could help figure out what was wrong in the moment and avoid the same reaction again.

It’s a balancing act of being aware of feelings vs. indulging preferences too much. That’s a line you have to draw based on the request from the kid and living in a family unit/society.

EDIT - yelling at a child who has lost control doesn’t help regain control; it just adds to the chaos. Kids don’t lose control to piss us off; they are lacking in the skills and maturity to handle their feelings. it comes with age, practice and witnessing others model it for them.

I don't mean to single you out, and anyone else can give their perspective. You say you wait out the tantrum and then carry out the original boundaries. What does one do if the tantrum lasts half an hour with no end in sight? My 4 year old can outlast us every time. Or what if you are going somewhere or it is bedtime and you don't have time to wait them out? I'm just struggling with what to do. My DH's method is yelling, but I agree that it doesn't really solve anything. But it can bring about compliance quicker than my methods which he takes as a win for yelling. 

I would try co-regulation when it lasts for awhile. Sit together, breathe, and only focus on that for that time. I know it seems like giving in but it can be very beneficial to help them. Some kids can't do it on their own. I also like the phrasing of "When you are calm we can XYZ" or "Let me know when you are ready to XYZ." That takes some of the power struggle away. I feel for you all! My ADHD 14 year old was this way until about 3rd grade and it was tough. But we rarely have this now at her age if that gives people hope.

[joy]

May 3, 2023 12:08:55 GMT -5 mpc said:

May 3, 2023 10:59:41 GMT -5 joy said:

I can only speak to my kid, but I let her have her big feelings and wait for them to pass before engaging. So, if the boundaries I draw bring out these behaviors, then I would say “okay, I will wait for you to calm down” and then still follow thru on what was decided. In this case, I would wait for the tantrum to end and then brush teeth and go play.

I would also ask while playing why she had such big feelings about it. Why did she feel the way she did when I said that? It could help figure out what was wrong in the moment and avoid the same reaction again.

It’s a balancing act of being aware of feelings vs. indulging preferences too much. That’s a line you have to draw based on the request from the kid and living in a family unit/society.

EDIT - yelling at a child who has lost control doesn’t help regain control; it just adds to the chaos. Kids don’t lose control to piss us off; they are lacking in the skills and maturity to handle their feelings. it comes with age, practice and witnessing others model it for them.

I don't mean to single you out, and anyone else can give their perspective. You say you wait out the tantrum and then carry out the original boundaries. What does one do if the tantrum lasts half an hour with no end in sight? My 4 year old can outlast us every time. Or what if you are going somewhere or it is bedtime and you don't have time to wait them out? I'm just struggling with what to do. My DH's method is yelling, but I agree that it doesn't really solve anything. But it can bring about compliance quicker than my methods which he takes as a win for yelling. 

I don’t know! This is why I said I can only speak about my own kid.

[joy]

mpc - That sounds very hard, by the way. I would need a totally different approach for that kind of situation!! I do tend to think that there is a reason behind the feelings that they cannot articulate and sometimes a sharp reaction will end a tantrum and needs to be the way.

It’s all hard and confusing.

[macmars45]

SO much commiseration! H and I have developed a super power of staying calm as our autistic DS(7) flips the fuck out and has huge meltdowns. We're human so we fail sometimes or tap out & take turns but by & large we are rock stars. It takes SO much mental energy to stay calm and leaves us exhausted.

FWIW we think DS might end up with an ADHD diagnosis at some point too.

We offer fidgets, using his indoor swing & physical time (throwing indoor soft balls up & down the stairs) as outlets to help with his disregulation.

(hugs)

[CurlyQ284]

May 3, 2023 12:08:55 GMT -5 mpc said:

May 3, 2023 10:59:41 GMT -5 joy said:

I can only speak to my kid, but I let her have her big feelings and wait for them to pass before engaging. So, if the boundaries I draw bring out these behaviors, then I would say “okay, I will wait for you to calm down” and then still follow thru on what was decided. In this case, I would wait for the tantrum to end and then brush teeth and go play.

I would also ask while playing why she had such big feelings about it. Why did she feel the way she did when I said that? It could help figure out what was wrong in the moment and avoid the same reaction again.

It’s a balancing act of being aware of feelings vs. indulging preferences too much. That’s a line you have to draw based on the request from the kid and living in a family unit/society.

EDIT - yelling at a child who has lost control doesn’t help regain control; it just adds to the chaos. Kids don’t lose control to piss us off; they are lacking in the skills and maturity to handle their feelings. it comes with age, practice and witnessing others model it for them.

I don't mean to single you out, and anyone else can give their perspective. You say you wait out the tantrum and then carry out the original boundaries. What does one do if the tantrum lasts half an hour with no end in sight? My 4 year old can outlast us every time. Or what if you are going somewhere or it is bedtime and you don't have time to wait them out? I'm just struggling with what to do. My DH's method is yelling, but I agree that it doesn't really solve anything. But it can bring about compliance quicker than my methods which he takes as a win for yelling. 

For us, I started having my DS hang out in his room until he calms down. Not like yelling at him "go to your room!" But if I tried to talk to him/sit with him it made him more angry. The therapist kept pushing this and I finally was like "No I'm not doing it, he might literally hurt me because he flails or throws stuff, it escalates things, I'm just not doing it sorry".

A lot of the time he would start to calm down and then see whatever made him mad in the first place and then spiral all over again. Having him hang out in his room where it's a familiar place, away from the trigger made the meltdowns shorter. I always kept his room fairly clutter free, he doesn't have much up there besides books and art supplies because he always wanted to be around people when he plays so his room isn't overstimulating.

Sometimes he refused to go and I would carry him. I know this sounds like a punishment but I truly wasn't angry at all and I explained to him that it's a place he can go when he's upset so he can calm down.

I tried getting him a weighted blanket to help him calm down but he would refuse and throw it during a meltdown. The last 9 months or so hes used it at bedtime to sleep and he sleeps MUCH better.

So maybe try a weighted blanket at bedtime, and then kiddo might want to use it during a meltdown to help self soothe? I'm just spitballing with this one! I really feel like it would have worked if I was able to get him to try it, lol.

ETA he is 10 now, takes guanfacine at night and Ritalin in morning and at lunch plus maturing over the years and now he is so much more pleasant. Really the only time he gets upset is if he dies in a video game but I've talked to his friends moms and their kids have similar reactions to DS so I think we are approaching normal! ❤️. When he was 5-8 I felt like it was going to be like this forever so I wanted to add this snippet that things are MUCH improved for us.

[noodleoo]

I posted a similar thread about my 7 year old a few months ago (LINK).  Someone mentioned that kids start having hormonal changes around 7 that can result in moodiness, irritability, etc.  DD1 is also have huge meltdowns over seemingly trivial things that result in her crying for 20-30 mins.  It is awful and has been hard to deal with.  She'll be 8 in a few weeks and I feel like things have improved a little.  She's always been a sensitive kid and I think has anxiety, so we also started seeing a therapist last week. Only 1 visit so far, but I'm hopeful it will help.

So I think some of it is just normal development, which honestly, knowing that has really helped me be more patient with her.  It is still frustrating, but it helps a lot to know why and that it is probalby a phase that will pass.  But man, I am not looking forward to the tween/teenage years!  

www.parents.com/kids/development/adrenarche-and-puberty-everything-you-need-to-know/

[underwaterrhymes]

Oh boy. K also has big feelings. He hates to lose games, struggles with transitions, and has always needed to know if there are changes to plans in advance. He just cries a LOT.

He was diagnosed with social pragmatic communication disorder and unspecified anxiety. He’s seen a therapist for years now and - more recently - the social worker at school but they would usually tell us they didn’t know what to do because he seemed really level-headed, quiet, and mature. Really, he just struggles to open up to them. I came up with the idea of 3-10, and that helps a little because it’s something easy he can remember. (Three big breaths and slowly counting to 10.)We also recently started him on Lexapro and that’s been helping a lot too.

Good luck. It’s hard.

[karinothing]

DS has ADHD and we have been dealinng a lot with this. He is in therapy and it has helped a ton. He has a few things that help. One being go outside and drink a glass of cold water. The one he has been working on lately is to name all the shades of a color in the room. So I pick blue and he counts all the shades of blue in the room.

[DotAndBuzz]

Mine both had/have HUGE meltdowns, and while ADHD isn’t a factor for them, I found the best thing I could do was let them rail for a few minutes, then go in and offer a hug. A soft place to land/be upset. Especially at that age, they seemed be to upset about the initial thing, but also the loss of control of their emotions. So I’d give them a minute, and then even if they were still carrying on, I’d go and offer a hug, or just sit with them while they calmed down and finished.

It was hard as hell sometimes, because it’s like JUST BRUSH YOUR TEETH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! But empathy went a long way with my kids. When they were calming down, I’d revisit the request with something like “it’s hard being so upset. I know you don’t like brushing your teeth. It’s not super fun, for sure. Let’s just do a quick little swipe around in there so you don’t have dragon breath. Do you want me to help, or do you want to do it yourself”

Did it always work? No. But the hugs helped calm them down to at least get out the door.