Kid attitude

[noodleoo]

How do you deal with a kid having a general bad attitude?  DD1 is 7.5 and has been such a grump to be around lately.  Some examples:  She questions everything, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but even after I explain my reasoning she keeps arguing with me.  She is bossy and mean to her younger sister.  DD2 loves playing with her, but DD1 always gets to direct how they play.  If DD2 has an idea, DD1 will shoot it down and say "no, we're not doing it that way".  She will only play if she gets to be in charge and make all the rules/ideas.  DD2 showed her a picture she made of the Earth this morning and was so proud of it, and DD1 said "that doesn't look like earth, it is wrong" and was being really mean about it.  DD2 is 4, it broke my heart how unkind DD1 was to her.  I feel like DD1 is always mad or upset about something, she has been having more meltdowns lately over things that shouldn't be that big a deal where she ends up sobbing loudly for 20+ mins.  I'm tired of dealing with it.  I'm trying to be patient and talk things out, but she's so mean back to me.  So much attitude!!! I miss my sweet girl.  Is this just normal development or should I be concerned?  Any advice for how to parent through it?

So with this morning's example, I told DD1 that she was being mean to DD2 and hurting her feelings. I told her it wasn't nice to criticize her picture and to say something nice.  She did, which was surprisingly.  At other times when I try to correct her behavior, she storms off and gets mad at me for "being mean to her".

[waverly]

I say, I am not arguing this/ debating this any longer.

For the playing, I try to stay out of it unless they are actively arguing/ annoying me, and then we intervene. We intervene if they are playing or fighting physically so they don't get hurt. They know to be gentle with each other, but it still makes me nervous. Otherwise, I try to have them work out their playing on their own.

In the context of your DD being mean, I would say DD that is mean. Please stop.

For the grumpy/ sobbing, I might try to figure out underlying causes. A lot has to do with how DD sleeps. Sometimes she gets sent to her room for some alone time to help her manage her emotions. Usually she plays or listens to her audiobook, and that helps calm her.

We also have the storming off and saying we are being mean. I think that's kind of normal, and an indication that we are not just letting the bad behavior slide. DD is 10 and I still get this, but it is less now because she is starting to see the reason WHY we are doing things and not thinking it is just us being mean.

[dcn]

There’s a big hormone surge between 6-8 and yes kids get attitude. I think i googled “why is my 7 year old a jerk?” When he was 7. I have a 7 year old again and he is also an emotional roller coaster. His brother is 10 so they argue about each other being wrong and mean and breathing.

Once I give an answer/explain something and they continue to argue I say “I’ve already explained. I’m not going to argue. I know you don’t agree/don’t like it/etc and that’s ok but I’m done discussing”

I try to encourage them to be kind to each other, but they are siblings and kids so there’s still a lot of bickering and being mean. I ask them to think about if their comment is kind or helpful and otherwise to keep it to themselves. I have them spend time apart if it’s really bad. Mostly I try to have them work it out if they can. Ds2 is good at standing up for himself at this point.

[beerlover]

Commiseration! My 6.5 year old can be so salty and have such an attitude. And then when I try to correct it, he'll say that I'm being mean to him and that I need to change MY attitude. I feel like he's gaslighting me lol.

[noodleoo]

Feb 21, 2023 13:05:32 GMT -5 dcn said:

There’s a big hormone surge between 6-8 and yes kids get attitude. I think i googled “why is my 7 year old a jerk?” When he was 7. I have a 7 year old again and he is also an emotional roller coaster. His brother is 10 so they argue about each other being wrong and mean and breathing.

Thank you for this! I just read an article about the hormonal changes and it makes so much more sense now. It really helps to know what is going on.

I also just googled "why is my 7 year old" and the top autocompletes were "emotional", "angry" and "mean" which made me LOL.  At least I know it is normal!

[moonpie]

Commiserating! I have an 8 and 4 year old and we have this exact thing going on.

Dd will argue on anything. She just has to correct us no matter how small and insignificant it is. Yesterday I called our SUV a car and it ended up in foot stomping and eye rolling. It’s sad for DD2 because she’s just mean about correcting and arguing with her. Preventing that is where I’m putting most of my effort, because I feel like her attitude is killing DD2’s confidence.

[noodleoo]

Feb 21, 2023 14:02:01 GMT -5 moonpie said:

Commiserating! I have an 8 and 4 year old and we have this exact thing going on.

Dd will argue on anything. She just has to correct us no matter how small and insignificant it is. Yesterday I called our SUV a car and it ended up in foot stomping and eye rolling. It’s sad for DD2 because she’s just mean about correcting and arguing with her. Preventing that is where I’m putting most of my effort, because I feel like her attitude is killing DD2’s confidence.

Thank you.  Yeah, I usually don't interfere when DD1 and DD2 are playing, but lately I overhear how DD1 speaks to her and I don't like it.  DD2 is still so young and adores her older sister, I'm not sure she realizes she can stand up to her or that it isn't nice for DD1 to put down all her suggestions.  I'm a younger sibling myself and I remember how that stuff made me feel, so i might be a bit protective of her.  She just takes it and I'm afraid she's internalizing the message that her ideas aren't good enough. 

[felicity]

Here to commiserate. DS is 8 and we’re dealing with the same kind of thing. So much attitude and disrespect! Where did my sweet boy go 😓.

We talk things out a lot but I also send him to his room to “reset” for a set amount of time and he gets sent right back if he comes out acting the same way. It feels like a constant thing from him lately and it’s so hard to parent! He seems upset all the time and acting up is his way of showing it. I want to help him but it’s hard to get through to him lately and have him actually do any of the things we talk about to help himself feel better and be a respectful human being for the rest of us to be around.

[kath16]

My gosh. My 7 year old and newly 6 year old are exactly like this and it is infuriating!! Thank you to whomever explained hormone surges because I am like “WHERE IS THE SWEET CHILD THAT INHABITED THIS BODY TWO WEEKS AGO??”

[186momx]

DD is 11 and the attitude it bad these days. At least she is old enough to just say "everyone is eating crackers" which is our way of saying to each other to leave me alone. She is also in the stage that everyone is out to get her and she is feeling like all she does is fail. The fail thing is coming from gymnastics where she is struggling and is failing at a couple skills over and over. I don't know about the everyone is out to get her other than a couple teachers at school seem to be holding her at a different level than the other kids and it is bugging her.

For arguing I shut it down. It isn't open for discussion is used a lot but she has argued since a young age so I don't even notice it anymore really.

[VillainV]

Yep, C is 8 and we regularly have to ask him to adjust his attitude. When it gets really bad he loses his electronics. I do not tolerate blatant disrespect.

More often, is basic argumentativeness (is that a word?). He argues for a sake of arguing. I think he genuinely doesn’t understand why we say no sometimes, or why we have to do things a certain way. We try to explain when we can. But sometimes we resort to “because I say so” or “because that’s our decision.”

He does usually apologize when he’s been a jerk. Last night he was giving me major attitude at bedtime, and he realized and apologized. So I guess there’s hope.

[estrellita]

E just turned 8, A is 5, and this is very much them. E's attitude usually stems from his ADHD and anxiety (causing lack of sleep, impulse control issues, etc). He's generally so difficult to be around and I try so hard to be understanding and let smaller stuff go.

I tell E a lot that things he says aren't necessary, like the correcting or mean comments. I also do a lot of putting him in other people's shoes, where I ask how he would feel if someone said the same thing to him. He seems like he understands, but then goes right back to it. So we keep reminding. It's hard though when he can't move past something even when you say you're done discussing it, because HE'S not done. It's so frustrating sometimes, so commiseration there!

[lo]

DD1 is 8 and I think this is the most challenging stage of parenting for her! The arguing! The back talking! The being mean to younger siblings!

[karinothing]

Honestly? My kid is in therapy lol. But it has helped a ton!

[sent]

DD just turned 9 and this sounds a lot like what goes on over here right down to the being mean to the 4 year old little brother. We don't get to the sobbing phase, that's the only difference. I have to constantly remind her to not be nasty to DS when he tries to share with DD. I also have to stop her and tell her not to argue with me. That's when I get flashbacks of my dad telling me not to argue and I feel bad that I apparently also did this to him. I do remember 10 year old me thinking at that time "but I'm not arguing" so my little brain wasn't making the connections yet between my words and the demeanor they conveyed. Now I get it. DS is in pre-K and at that phase where he is learning a lot about manners and kindness and how we treat people. DD went to the same pre-K so she's familiar with everything DS talks about when it comes to etiquette. I basically have to reiterate DS's kindness and etiquette lessons to DD every time she's on the warpath. Stuff like "That's not nice to say to DS. Say sorry." When she says something to me with a lot of attitude "Let's try saying that again nicely." When she wakes up in a foul mood "Go back into your room and say good morning in a kind voice." When she's trying to yell angrily at the faucet because she didn't turn it on properly and got sprayed in the face, "Hey, yelling at a faucet doesn't solve anything. Let's try this again in a calm way."

I am extra sensitive to all of this because DD's father and a combination of her grandparents on both sides irrationally yell at everything small or big when they're home. My dad who above told kid-aged me not to argue with him over dumb things, is the only grandparent that stays calm as a cucumber in the vast majority of situations. My great fear is that if I don't turn this around with DD while she's still learning to regulate emotions and keep it in check, the behavior is going to cross over into another generation.

[meanie]

We ignore a lot of the smaller stuff because it's hormones and correcting every little transgression would take all my energy.

For attitude/tone we generally remind her that she needs to correct it, and she usually rolls her eyes and repeats whatever she said in a slightly less annoyed tone.

Bigger stuff like saying something mean or hurtful we either send her to her room or have a long talk if we are away from home....the Long Talk is punishment in and of itself.

On the flip side we will praise our kids when they are able to resolve conflict/communicate in a productive way. Some day it will get better! Right now I just try to remember a lot of this stuff is hormones and normal boundary testing, it is so easy to get roped into the drama though.

[vmars]

My son is 9 now, but he also had horrible tantrums at this age range. He has ADHD/ASD so it was extreme to the point where sometimes he’d tantrum for an entire day or hours on end. We finally switched around his medications and he’s been pretty stable since then. The biggest non medication way to handle it on our end would be to not argue. I would give my answer and then walk away. If he continued to argue I either would not respond or say “asked and answered”. It’s really challenging to deal with though.

[aspentosh]

I'm currently reading Untangled which is geared towards tweens and teens, but she addresses hormone surges and a lot of the things you wrote. So as normal as it may be, doesn't mean it's less annoying.

One thing she wrote that is sticking with me, you can call out their behavior and why it might not be ok without "shaming" them for it. "If you continue to treat your sister/friend/me this way, they/we/I won't want to play with you for much longer because it could be hurting their/my feelings." Or something similar to that. So it's putting the onus on them to change their behavior after you arm them with the why.

And w/r/t meltdowns for things that shouldn't be a "big deal", the author believes it's better to acknowledge the pain, hurt, frustration (so name the emotion) and ask if there is anything you can do that won't make it worse, or say the you're there if she wants to talk, or ask if she wants to vent or to get help. By acknowledging her emotions and not telling her they are wrong, you are setting her up to understand and learn from them. (Seriously ALL of this hit home, so I made note of it because my kid also went from 0-60 super fast and I couldn't figure out why.)

I hope this isn't coming across as judgy or preachy. It's been a great book and I am only halfway through.

[twilightmv]

I think it's somewhat normal. Some of it might be related to how kids talk to each other in school. Maybe I'm off, but I feel like elementary school kids are constantly trying to one up each other and it's very exhausting. So that sort of follows them home, broadly speaking. Depending on your daughter, I might suggest pulling her aside in a moment of calm and pointing to a specific instance, like "I think when you told sister her earth sucked, it hurt her feelings. she was proud of it and looks up to you. I know you know a lot about earth and that's really cool, but do you think you could have handled that differently?" My kids get along great and my oldest is super sweet, but when he starts shooting down everything his brother says, I'll usually call it out in the moment which makes him recognize he's even doing it. But if my son were more likely to get defensive, I'd likely wait until I could speak with him in private.

[sent]

aspentosh. I definitely appreciate you sharing the advice from this book and I’m going to look into it. 

[aspentosh]

Feb 22, 2023 12:52:17 GMT -5 sent said:

aspentosh. I definitely appreciate you sharing the advice from this book and I’m going to look into it. 

It’s hands down the best parenting book I’ve read because it’s an approachable yet filled with so much help. I have an 11yo with big emotions, so it’s really hitting home with me. And it’s arming me with tools to prepare for the coming years.

[krystee]

I am so glad to see this is common because I thought my kid broke or something. He was the most delightful baby, toddler, etc., and this year at 7 he has been kind of a moody jerk. I love him like crazy and he’s wonderful, but damn. I want my smiling, laughing, sweet kid back!

[isabel]

My DS1 is also 7.5 (will be 8 in April) and this sounds *really* familiar. I do think it has gotten significantly better over the last few months. He has become more willing to hear us when we tell him his attitude is hurtful and is doing a better job entertaining his little brother when he has something to show off. Hopefully your DD starts to taper off this a bit soon too!

[isabel]

Feb 22, 2023 16:10:47 GMT -5 krystee said:

I am so glad to see this is common because I thought my kid broke or something. He was the most delightful baby, toddler, etc., and this year at 7 he has been kind of a moody jerk. I love him like crazy and he’s wonderful, but damn. I want my smiling, laughing, sweet kid back!

I feel this so hard. At the start of this moodiness, I was just so sad. What the heck happened to you!? But it's definitely getting better. I am seeing those pockets of his old self and he is such a delight one-on-one. I'm confident he'll come back in full force.

[starburst604]

Joining in solidarity here! DD will be 8 in May and we are starting to see this with her, especially in the way she talks to H. They’re very close, so it must be that thing where they spout off the worst to the people they trust the most? But he also puts up with her shit in a way that I don’t lol. I’ll have to start reading some books to prepare us for this stage. She’s an only so we’re going to get the brunt of it.