What makes your partner a good partner?

[isabel]

More specifically, not what makes them a good parent or even housemate, but what attributes do they have or things that they do that make them a good romantic/relationship partner?

What makes you a good partner?

This is something I’ve been thinking about related to H, but also myself, and part of me is struggling to decouple things like “does his half of household chores” from the attributes that make me want to be in a relationship with him, specifically. Does that make any sense at all?

[underwaterrhymes]

For me, it’s that he’s the first person I want to talk to in the morning and the last person I want to talk to at night. He’s funny, he’s open-minded, he’s empathetic and warm, he’s outgoing and likes adventure, but also likes to hang out at home, he’s a family-oriented person, we have a lot of fun together, and we have great chemistry.

I think he’d say the same thing about me. We are also a great team and pick up each other’s slack when needed.

[Patsy Baloney]

He’s really supportive of me and giving of himself. He’s good in bed. He’s interesting and charismatic. He’s really funny.

I’m a workhorse - you want it, you got it. I’m loyal, caring, funny, creative. I think I’m hard to pin down and passionate. It makes for a fun life together.

[glw]

We consider and value each others feelings and opinions. We may not always agree, but we ask and weigh what the other prefers before making a decision. I think we have a good balance of checking in with each other and being considerate without being overbearing or controlling.

[dontlook]

We are opposites in so many ways that are good for us as a team. He makes me better and I make him better.

For example, my H is a super planner. He has 5-10-20 year plans. I’m less so. He pushes me to make small good decisions today to help us reach our big goals and I help him relax and live in the moment. I remind him that mini splurges aren’t going to bankrupt us and lead to our doom. We both listen to each other. We might not agree but we do always hear each other out.

[erbear]

My husband is the yin to my yang. He’s calm and mellow where I am high strung. He’s quiet where I’m outgoing. He sees thinks rationally and analytically where I’m all emotion. He’s a nice balance to me in all the things. He speaks kindly to and of me, he compliments me, he takes on the things I hate to do and does them because he knows I don’t enjoy them.

I once had this conversation with a colleague. She couldn’t believe that I considered my husband my best friend and that he was the person I go to for advice or when something good or bad happens. She divorced her husband about a year later and is now married to someone who is a true partner and she always tells me that conversation shifted her world view.

[lilac05]

He’s good about the little things. Like when I sent a text that said, “Headache. Trying to nap.” he came to our room with a water and medicine because he knows when a headache hits quickly, I can’t think straight to take anything for it. He knows how much ice I like in my drinks and how hot I like my food when it’s reheated. I feel like he really sees me and always encourages me to do things I want to do. He has tremendous patience when my ADHD is at its worst…which has been a lot lately.

[sofamonkey]

Well, he has passion for things and shares that with the kids - Things they also, such as space, science, nerdy things, chess, etc. He’s not perfect, but own his mistakes with them. He talks through things with them as needed, including letting his guard down to allow vulnerability, and not just the classic tough guy crap he grew up with.

While our marriage isn’t all courtship and romance, and can be downright transactional for months at a time, ultimately we love and respect each other. He clearly loves me and the kids, and treats all as such. I’m lucky to have my DH as my partner.

[wanderlustmom]

I love reading these! My DH and I are opposite personalities and what we have feels great to me all the time. Some of it was just there in the beginning and some of it keeps growing. I feel like our marriage is a separate entity from either of us that helps us both when one of us needs it. When I met him, I was the happiest I had ever been. I had truly fallen in love with me and did not need to be in a relationship. He is a good partner because he adores me, respects me, wants to be with me, puts my happiness as a high priority. He's a good person, he has the right values and we want the same things in life. I never get bored talking to him, he's really interesting and smart.  I feel his commitment to me every day and I don't feel let down by him. 

That being said, marriage is work for us. He can drive me absolutely crazy, I'm no picnic either. We disagree, life throws us a lot of really hard things--it's magic because we have each other not because life threw us a bunch of magic if that makes sense. I know others write it a lot too--but it's nice to love someone as much as I love my husband and he says he feels the same about me. Just this ordinary love we keep growing. Even a day like today with nothing special going on (I'm about to make a hello fresh, he just unloaded the dishes, I walked the dog) feels so happy to me because he's here.

[ssmjlm]

Everything ok? You’ve posted a few things that seem to lean toward some stuff not working well.


DH loves my quirks. Things like having a preferred grocery store or playing the fuel points/gift card game. We both will have decision paralysis on stuff, but know it’s how we are. He doesn’t try and change me, esp when we disagree.

He’s giving in bed since my drive is higher. We have decent bedroom communication about wants/needs.

He loves my parents like they’re his own. I don’t think until this year how important that was to me, but with my Dad’s health stuff, knowing I have him to lean on has made things easier.

I know you said aside from partner/parent stuff, but I think having an equal partner in the marriage/house leads to a better relationship for us. If we’re out of sync on house or parent stuff, I’m not going to be touchy freely or want sex.

[circa1978]

Aw, I like this post.

My H is very much a partner in that he does as much - if not more - of the execution of household and child-rearing tasks. He was a football player and once I learned what an offensive lineman does, our relationship made total sense. I'm the quarterback and do a lot of the planning and strategy. He clears the path to make sure shit gets done and protects my ability to do that. He rarely starts a task but given a plan, he'll follow it to the end.

He loves and supports me, our child and our family (and the dogs, fish and snail). Like underwaterrhymes said, he's the person I want to talk to. It isn't always super romantic but he's my other half.

[Roc A Bee]

He thinks I’m ridiculously hot, and tells me so. He makes me feel so loved and cared about in the thoughtful ways he takes care of me (and our family).

[dreamcrisp1]

We eat 3 meals together a day and have for over 3 years now and I don’t want to kill him. 😂😂

But really he is a good partner because he shares so much equally with me, he supports my goals and helps make them happen, and he understands that I need more me time so goes out of his way to make it happen.

He drives me nuts many days but he’s also super considerate, we can easily discuss politics/world happenings, and keeps me sane with 2 tiny humans and no village to help us. Being 6000kms away from any family has really made us have to understand and work together to be a solid team and have a good partnership.

[lilypad1126]

He just lets me be me. He loves me for my quirks and doesn’t try to change me. When push comes to shove, he’s there for me and my family. For example, when my sister had her medical emergency last month, he jumped right in with “what do you, how can I help? Are YOU ok?” And he inquires about my extended family regularly, even though we haven’t seen them in 3 years.

We laugh together over the dumbest stuff. And while he gets on my last nerve regularly, I also can’t imagine having gone through the last 20 years without him in my life. My high strung, need to be in control ways don’t bother him, in part bc it lets him be the laid back, retired guy he aspires to be.

And just this morning he told me how much he loves our life together. ❤️ he says this regularly but for some reason it really just tickled me this morning that he feels that way.

[lucybrown]

I love this post!

He’s easily the funniest, kindest, person I know.
He’s intelligent and open-minded.
We’re on the same page with our values around money, parenting/family life, politics, social issues, and overall beliefs.
Yet, we see things so differently at times that there’s good balance. We learn a lot from the other’s perspective.
We have a lot of shared activities, but equally value our independence. We’re both extremely independent and have had issues with past partners not getting it. We get each other in this way.
Sexual chemistry is a solid match.

[sproctopus]

Romance? Eh. LOL. We don't have a whole lot of that. We're both a bit like class clowns. Idk. We laugh at stuff together, make fun of each other, we have a good time hanging out. We've been together 21 years. It's definitely not the butterflies I had as a college kid, but in terms of a life partner, it's good for me.

[sproctopus]

I don't know why this surprises me, but so many more people enjoy their spouses in this post than I was expecting, lol.

[AJL]

For us, we're friends first. He respects my ideas and opinions. He's supportive of my endeavors and interests. He's kind and a generous person. He's smart without being pedantic. He sees me as his equal and he's the first person I want to share anything with, good or bad. He's the person I go to whenever I need help trying to figure things out. He listens to me without judgment and is willing to see my point of view. He's always in my corner but knows when to privately call me out when I've messed up. He forgives easily and doesn't hold a grudge. 

We've been through a lot of family difficulty together. He lost his father four months after we got married. We had a lot of drama with his mother and ended up going no-contact for a year. He's helped me through the grief of losing both of my parents in the same year. We've been through things that I think could really rock any marriage. 

In the 18 years we've been together, I've grown to love him more each day. 

[lucybrown]

Jul 10, 2023 17:33:25 GMT -5 sproctopus said:

I don't know why this surprises me, but so many more people enjoy their spouses in this post than I was expecting, lol.

The post asked for what we like about our partners. I predict a s/o about what drives us absolute batshit about them too. My lists are equally long.

[sproctopus]

Jul 10, 2023 17:47:49 GMT -5 lucybrown said:

Jul 10, 2023 17:33:25 GMT -5 sproctopus said:

I don't know why this surprises me, but so many more people enjoy their spouses in this post than I was expecting, lol.

The post asked for what we like about our partners. I predict a s/o about what drives us absolute batshit about them too. My lists are equally long.

No, I know that, LOL. I think it's just that in my circle most of us are too annoyed with our partners to think of nice things to say.

[sofamonkey]

Jul 10, 2023 17:51:37 GMT -5 sproctopus said:

Jul 10, 2023 17:47:49 GMT -5 lucybrown said:

The post asked for what we like about our partners. I predict a s/o about what drives us absolute batshit about them too. My lists are equally long.

No, I know that, LOL. I think it's just that in my circle, most of us are too annoyed with our partners to think of nice things to say.

I’m thinking of scoring some nice points by sending my H the list of shit that ain’t broke. Lol. I don’t even want anything this time. Hahaha

[sproctopus]

Jul 10, 2023 17:53:19 GMT -5 sofamonkey said:

Jul 10, 2023 17:51:37 GMT -5 sproctopus said:

No, I know that, LOL. I think it's just that in my circle, most of us are too annoyed with our partners to think of nice things to say.

I’m thinking of scoring some nice points by sending my H the list of shit that ain’t broke. Lol. I don’t even want anything this time. Hahaha

Haha! Now this is a great reason to admit to the internet why I like him.

[lucybrown]

Jul 10, 2023 17:51:37 GMT -5 sproctopus said:

Jul 10, 2023 17:47:49 GMT -5 lucybrown said:

The post asked for what we like about our partners. I predict a s/o about what drives us absolute batshit about them too. My lists are equally long.

No, I know that, LOL. I think it's just that in my circle, most of us are too annoyed with our partners to think of nice things to say.

Fair point. H and I were in a real low last year. Part of our reconnecting has included weekly gratitude lists, so these things were at the forefront of my brain.

There have been many weeks where it was a real struggle to stay positive. But overall, it’s been very good for our relationship.

[wanderingback]

He’s really supportive of me and lets me be me.

Pre-covid I did a lot of solo traveling and personal hobbies/interests. I love traveling with him but keeping my self identity and independence is very important to me and he lets that happen without being controlling or jealous. The same is true now that we have a child, he still helps me foster my independence and sense of self.

The same is true for how I treat him.

I think that’s why we’re great partners for each other and have a great relationship and understanding and love for each other.



And even though I love having my independence I could also probably spend every single day with him. My 5 months of maternity leave were wonderful, I loved every day together and we didn’t argue. He’s caring, funny, loving and interesting.

[minzy]

I am his biggest fan. He can be kind of crotchety about my random piles of shit and all the activities I put us in but he has my back always, and I would not be nearly as successful as I am without him. We are pretty in sync with each other and not just because we have tracking enabled! We laugh at the same stuff, I noticed it again when we watched a comedian on TV last night. He is beyond thoughtful, like not just turning the AC on in my car remotely because he can see I’m approaching on the train, or booking us a romantic place I’ve wanted to go to for years during the week the kids are at his parents’, or snagging my name tag to volunteer for me for two hours at a swim meet so I can BS with my mom friends instead (stuff he’s done in the last week). No, he also does stuff like notice when my soon-to-be divorced friend’s car is parked at our house and her headlights are super faded… he was so concerned about her driving her kids around in the dark that he bought the supplies and ground the lights down right then. He orders presents for my dad. He volunteers to drive the neighbor kids around if he knows we’re going the same place. He packs my lunch for work and includes multivitamins in a little tiny strip of tinfoil like I’m going on some lengthy multivitamin-requiring trek and won’t be home that very evening, it’s adorable. For one of my volunteer gigs, we use this particular type of box that you can sometimes get for free at Costco, and he is always looking out for those and bringing them home for me. I’m like Jerry Seinfeld bested by “Newman!” when he does such uber considerate things, but he has zero ego and is just trying to do the right thing super efficiently pretty much all the time. I find all that super attractive. He makes me want to be a better person and I probably fall a bit short most days but I keep trying. 🤣

As for me, I’m usually pretty chipper, I try to pull my own weight, I’ll get the kids out of his hair periodically so he can introvert alone…. Uhhh… hmm…. LOL.

[TR]

I just…like being around him? Our friends invited another couple to Red Lodge and the husband asked us about how Covid quarantine was on our marriage and we were kind of taken aback and were like “uhhh fine?” Because it honestly wasn’t really an issue. And he looked really puzzled by that.

He’s also responsible and kind and carries his share of the mental load. And he enjoys cooking, which I hate, so that’s a good match lol

He doesn’t buy into toxic masculinity and we share similar political views.

For me, I think I’m a pretty low maintenance partner outside of the emotional part. Like, I’m pretty happy to go along with most activities or just hang out and do nothing. Just tell/show me you love me regularly and I’m good. I don’t play games and don’t expect him to read my mind. I like to think I’m thoughtful about the little things and have done a fair amount of self-introspection that I’m aware of my faults and quick to acknowledge and apologize when I mess up.

[blondemoment123]

::Sees myself out::

Lol

[sapphireblue]

Hmmmmm...I like these sorts of questions that make me pause, and maybe look at something in a different way.

He tells me all the time that he thinks I am pretty or beautiful and also that he loves me. He takes care of me in little ways, like if he notices that I finished the last of my water, he'll take the cup and refill it and bring it back to me. He'll buy me little treats for no reason. He's very romantic, much more than I am, so he's good at reminding me often that I am loved and that he adores me. It helps a lot because we recently reunited after over 20 years apart and a marriage each, and I am @ 60 pounds heavier than I was then. I hate to type that!

I am not as good of a partner! He would deny that but I'm quite practical and analytical and love to be alone. However, I also buy him little treats to make his day or life better, and I like to do things for him to ease his day, and I also tell him I love him all the time. But I am more closed off and it's more of a conscious effort for me.

[dontlook]

Jul 10, 2023 17:51:37 GMT -5 sproctopus said:

Jul 10, 2023 17:47:49 GMT -5 lucybrown said:

The post asked for what we like about our partners. I predict a s/o about what drives us absolute batshit about them too. My lists are equally long.

No, I know that, LOL. I think it's just that in my circle most of us are too annoyed with our partners to think of nice things to say.

I spent Friday night bitching to my friends about how annoying he is lol. This post made me dig past my initial snarky reply. The cool thing is, the nice things weren’t that hard to find. I find comfort that even when he’s getting on my nerves I know he’s my person.

[nancybotwin]

He is my best friend. He makes me laugh a lot. He asks about my day, and he really listens to the response - I know because he follows up and asks how certain things went or will respond to specific details. He is kind and gentle. He lets me show him all my ugly and he still loves me.