I want to crowdsource my annoyance here. It was a big day in our house…my oldest and middle kids had high and middle school orientations respectively and our ds3 had Meet the Teacher. It’s 6 and my husband hasn’t checked in at all with either my oldest or I to see how the day was, etc. His ability to…forget he has a family when he is working or doing his own thing is something that has annoyed me in the past and I’ve mentioned it to him. His work is busy right now, which I appreciate, but he is not a neurosurgeon in the operating room all day. He has a desk job and absolutely has 2 minutes to send a text asking how their day went. I will go for weeks not talking to him during work hours and that doesn’t bother me at all, but it’s nice for him to be the one doing the outreach so the kids think he’s engaged.
Is midday communication a regular thing in your family? Or was it communicated as an expectation for him to do today in particular? If neither of those are true...I don't think it's fair to expect him to randomly check in. I also wouldn't accuse him of forgetting he has a family. I would expect him to ask the kids how their day went when everyone gets home from work/school if that's how things normally go in your household. It sounds like maybe there are other things at play, that we don't see, that could be causing your annoyance.
Idk about this take here. You shouldn't have to ask someone you partner with to care about your day or communicate (unprovoked and with interest) with you or your children (unless there are disabilities at play). That's a really unfair burden to place on her. It also sounds like this is not the first time and that he's had a habit of getting "lost" in things he's more interested in, which I'm sure adds to the hurt.
I want to crowdsource my annoyance here. It was a big day in our house…my oldest and middle kids had high and middle school orientations respectively and our ds3 had Meet the Teacher. It’s 6 and my husband hasn’t checked in at all with either my oldest or I to see how the day was, etc. His ability to…forget he has a family when he is working or doing his own thing is something that has annoyed me in the past and I’ve mentioned it to him. His work is busy right now, which I appreciate, but he is not a neurosurgeon in the operating room all day. He has a desk job and absolutely has 2 minutes to send a text asking how their day went. I will go for weeks not talking to him during work hours and that doesn’t bother me at all, but it’s nice for him to be the one doing the outreach so the kids think he’s engaged.
Is midday communication a regular thing in your family? Or was it communicated as an expectation for him to do today in particular? If neither of those are true...I don't think it's fair to expect him to randomly check in. I also wouldn't accuse him of forgetting he has a family. I would expect him to ask the kids how their day went when everyone gets home from work/school if that's how things normally go in your household. It sounds like maybe there are other things at play, that we don't see, that could be causing your annoyance.
I agree with this. Just because we have cell phones, I don’t think there needs to be midday communication. What’s wrong with everyone checking in with each other when they get home? It’s one thing if he leaves before they’re up and doesn’t get home until they’re in bed most nights or is traveling or something. But normal day to day? I’m failing to see the big deal.
[mention]mcppalmbeach [/mention] is he good about checking in with people when he gets home? If so, maybe he prefers to wait and get the whole lowdown in person when he can actually focus on the person and what they’re saying.
If he doesn’t do that, and doesn’t ask about people’s day at all, then that would be a problem.
Lol I hate when my H checks in midday. I'll talk to you when you get home and have a full conversation in person! If something is urgently happening I'll call him at work, otherwise we can have an 8 hr break from each other.
Post by thebreakfastclub on Aug 9, 2023 18:33:53 GMT -5
I'm the one who is in the office 3-4 days a week while my H WfH. If I'm busy with projects or going from meeting to meeting, I'm not going to text to find out how the middle of the day is going. I'll just have a conversation when I get home.
Idk, maybe I'm not interpeting it right, but I guess I was assuming it was 6 pm, they were all home and he hasn't checked in with anyone about their days. I've know I've been crazy busy at work this week with 10+ hr days and I still have been able to check in with friends or send a quick text.
It matters to kids, especially on big days. And it's also nice to know that you have back up in a partner in case the day gets away from you.
Post by Patsy Baloney on Aug 9, 2023 18:50:50 GMT -5
I think it’s weird/callous to not check in with your SO, especially when you know big stuff is going on.
My H and I check in with each other, send go get ‘em tiger texts, thinking of you stuff often, probably averaging once or twice per day. I’d be annoyed if he knew something big was going on and just laser-focused on his day without coming up for air for 2 seconds.
I think it’s weird/callous to not check in with your SO, especially when you know big stuff is going on.
My H and I check in with each other, send go get ‘em tiger texts, thinking of you stuff often, probably averaging once or twice per day. I’d be annoyed if he knew something big was going on and just laser-focused on his day without coming up for air for 2 seconds.
We are frequent checker inners (lol). Clearly it’s different for different relationships, but in the situation described I’d be annoyed too.
Everyone is busy, but with today’s technology it’s so easy to send a text! Obviously there are exceptions to business levels.
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
H is a "check-in" type person, he's always been that way, but to be fair, I'm not sure he'd remember the orientation and meet the teacher dates specifically.
We have a group text with me, H and David and I have a feeling people on this board would think our communication as a family is.... a lot, lol. IDK, it's just how we roll.
Post by thebreakfastclub on Aug 9, 2023 19:24:54 GMT -5
I guess there is also room for misinterpretation on these school events being considered big things. I consider the orientation and meet teacher to be more like catch up and hear all about it when I get home type things.
It would absolutely feel callous if something was going on (especially with kids) and my H did not check in. Again not a brain surgeon. I know he has the ability to stop for a second at some point in the day to text me, the kids whoever. Same expectation for me. All families are different, but I would feel sore with lack of communication at some point in the day.
Is midday communication a regular thing in your family? Or was it communicated as an expectation for him to do today in particular? If neither of those are true...I don't think it's fair to expect him to randomly check in. I also wouldn't accuse him of forgetting he has a family. I would expect him to ask the kids how their day went when everyone gets home from work/school if that's how things normally go in your household. It sounds like maybe there are other things at play, that we don't see, that could be causing your annoyance.
Idk about this take here. You shouldn't have to ask someone you partner with to care about your day or communicate (unprovoked and with interest) with you or your children (unless there are disabilities at play). That's a really unfair burden to place on her. It also sounds like this is not the first time and that he's had a habit of getting "lost" in things he's more interested in, which I'm sure adds to the hurt.
That’s why I asked what was “normal” in their household. “Normal” in my household is working mostly uninterrupted during the workday, and checking in with my spouse after we’re done working. So I would not expect him to check in with me. If I explicitly wanted him to check in on a certain day, I would let him know beforehand. To have expectations beyond the “normal” is unfair if not communicated.
I think there is also a component of the mental load. If you have to keep track of everything and the other partner can’t even acknowledge the big day for the kids (assuming the kids wanted to be checked in on), it would be annoying. So much regulating of others’ emotions. It can be exhausting to do it solo.
Post by mysteriouswife on Aug 9, 2023 21:10:59 GMT -5
H and I talk way too much through the day. They’re ass some days that are quieter than others. DD checks in throughout the day too. Previous to cell phone we would email 😂
I think there is also a component of the mental load. If you have to keep track of everything and the other partner can’t even acknowledge the big day for the kids (assuming the kids wanted to be checked in on), it would be annoying. So much regulating of others’ emotions. It can be exhausting to do it solo.
This! It’s a privilege to be able to focus completely on work and not be keeping track of all the minutiae of what is happening with everyone every day. I often wonder what it’s like to live in my H’s head which is obviously a lot less cluttered than mine is.
Post by mcppalmbeach on Aug 9, 2023 21:54:59 GMT -5
Just to add more to the discussion…H doesn’t get home at a consistent time. Sometimes it’s 6, sometimes it’s 7, sometimes it’s 8. We have three kids who all have evening activities so we aren’t really all catching up on the day in the evening. Tonight when H got home the older kids were at a class they were taking with my dad. When they got home I was giving ds3 a bath, but I overheard him talking to them. “So how did it go today?” Ds2: “it was long.” End of conversation. H doesn’t really ask anything else. I come out and ask ds2 if he told his dad about his day and he said “yeah I said it was long” Basically by the time H is home they’ve kind of moved past everything from the day and are onto the next. So I become the one who fills things in.
My H is mostly a good dad. He coaches teams and goes to games, he has things they do with just him. Do I think the kids are bothered by him not checking in? Ds2, no because nothing bothers him. Ds1 is used to it and I wouldn’t say it bothers him, but his currency is words of affirmation and I think it would go a long way towards improving his relationship with his dad if he would make an effort. Which I have told H. And maybe I’m crazy, but honestly I think a school transition is a BIG thing in a kid’s life. And it would be nice for their dad to acknowledge that he’s thinking about it and them during his day even if it doesn’t bother them that he doesn’t.
I think there is also a component of the mental load. If you have to keep track of everything and the other partner can’t even acknowledge the big day for the kids (assuming the kids wanted to be checked in on), it would be annoying. So much regulating of others’ emotions. It can be exhausting to do it solo.
This! It’s a privilege to be able to focus completely on work and not be keeping track of all the minutiae of what is happening with everyone every day. I often wonder what it’s like to live in my H’s head which is obviously a lot less cluttered than mine is.
There have been multiple articles in local news about cell phones in schools. Teachers say they can't teach because kids are always on the phone. How are parents modeling good cell phone behavior if they are texting kids during the work/school day? Someone mentioned we have the tech so we should use it, but I disagree. Technology is here for my convenience and I'm not dropping everything to answer a text or a call. I can't imagine having to constantly check in with H. We will text here and there, but neither of us expects it.
At this point she’s not willing to do that. She refuses to take any responsibility or accountability for her actions.
I realize that. I’m supporting you in your assessment that she is not blameless and expressing hope that she will realize that and appreciate the tools you and her care providers have given her to help.
Forgive me that I do not know everything you have tried, but DBT may be a good option for her and you. Our DBT providers offer group therapy for the teens, a separate group for the parents and individual therapy for the teen as well. It is all meant to work together to help the whole family unit. And the DBT therapists are part of your team.
I overheard him talking to them. “So how did it go today?” Ds2: “it was long.” End of conversation.
Is this any longer of a conversation over text though? This is why I hate texting mid day, because I'm not putting all the details into a text, but then with my short answer my H feels like we've discussed it so it's not brought up again. TBH my H is not a great conversationalist lol so I can 100% see him having the same convo as my kids get older. But that's just his communication whether texting or not.
mcppalmbeach, I relate to your frustration. My DH works long hours and is often home late. He has to make an effort to touch base on important days or he won't be part of them. Sometimes that means making a point to check in by text or phone in a timely way. My DH is pretty good about doing this for DD most of the time. Today was her first day of school and he is OOT all week. He did call but she was busy, oops, then he had client events so they never did connect. It's hard.
Post by wanderlustmom on Aug 10, 2023 6:54:19 GMT -5
I agree mcppalmbeach, that would also make me really frustrated. Big days for the kids like going back to school deserve more than a quick check in end of day. We have teens, so they may not make a big deal of the texts or calls coming from us--but I know they expect it. We are big communicators. Just like you said, your DH is a good guy but I agree he needs to step it up for the kids to feel more prioritized.
There have been multiple articles in local news about cell phones in schools. Teachers say they can't teach because kids are always on the phone. How are parents modeling good cell phone behavior if they are texting kids during the work/school day? Someone mentioned we have the tech so we should use it, but I disagree. Technology is here for my convenience and I'm not dropping everything to answer a text or a call. I can't imagine having to constantly check in with H. We will text here and there, but neither of us expects it.
No one said anything about constantly checking in.
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
There have been multiple articles in local news about cell phones in schools. Teachers say they can't teach because kids are always on the phone. How are parents modeling good cell phone behavior if they are texting kids during the work/school day? Someone mentioned we have the tech so we should use it, but I disagree. Technology is here for my convenience and I'm not dropping everything to answer a text or a call. I can't imagine having to constantly check in with H. We will text here and there, but neither of us expects it.
No one said anything about constantly checking in.
Constant is relative. If H was upset because I didn't text every day, I'd be annoyed.
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
I think there is also a component of the mental load. If you have to keep track of everything and the other partner can’t even acknowledge the big day for the kids (assuming the kids wanted to be checked in on), it would be annoying. So much regulating of others’ emotions. It can be exhausting to do it solo.
This! It’s a privilege to be able to focus completely on work and not be keeping track of all the minutiae of what is happening with everyone every day. I often wonder what it’s like to live in my H’s head which is obviously a lot less cluttered than mine is.
I'm here too. This is the first summer that we've let the kids stay home alone for a week here and there around vacations and camps, and I'm 100% the one who messages them to check in during the day. DH gets to work, focuses completely on that, and basically exists there as if he has nothing going on outside his job.
I honestly don't know whether I should be jealous or resentful of that ability to compartmentalize. It's definitely frustrating, because it means a lot more mental load for me.
Constant is relative. If H was upset because I didn't text every day, I'd be annoyed.
Have you even read the OPs posts? She said they go weeks without contact during working hours. This is not the issue.
I have read OP's post and all the follow ups where people were saying how often they text. I think most people who post here need a lot more validation and contact than I do. I believe you've asked me multiple if I've read posts where I've responded from my perspective. I am an excellent reader. I understand what is being said. I see many people complaining about not feeling supported or being excluded without even considering another's perspective. If you aren't getting what you need in a relationship you need to explicitly tell the other person but you also need to be respectful of their needs and communication styles. The tendency here is to always support the poster without any thought for the other person. I think an alternate perspective is useful.