Dear DD WTF yesterday! You cut your hair because it was bugging you! You spilt toilet bowl cleaner all over the hallway carpet! You ate a big family size bag of MnMs for lunch! None of these behavior are normal for you. I can't trust you right now Mom
WPs The only consequence that seemed to effect DD was me taking away Libby and all e-books and audio books for 3 weeks. Everything else was like no big deal. Why is my tween acting like she is 5?
186momx - I don’t know what’s going on but both of my kids are grounded for making very poor decisions and then mouthing off to me when caught. DD2 went so far as to deny things until I reminded her that the transgressions occurred on camera.
Dear Plumber Friend, Thank you for helping us discover that the basement pump system died before it backed up into the house. It already smells really terrible in the finished basement because the system is dead so nothing is going out of the house. I cannot imagine also having to actually clean up overflowed sewage. Signed, Horrified Homeowner
Dear bus driver, Please let my kids on the bus and don't make this a difficult process to come home. You totally blew past our house this morning without even slowing down even when we were all outside. Yes, they have two houses and two parents. Get over it. Signed, Annoyed Parent
We are on 3rd full week of school and I've already had to talk to your teacher twice and will have a third conversation this afternoon. Not surprisingly, you have "no idea" what she could possibly want to talk about, because you're obviously a perfect angel.
mae0111, I'm wondering if it is a bit of anxiety about going back to school next week.
twinmomma, I don't get what the problem with the bus drivers are. If it doesn't get better by the end of the week or next week talk to the school. You aren't the only family that has multiple households.
Le sigh. Today's call with her teacher was so disheartening. Not so much with the issues the teacher brought up (the teacher is great), but DH's response to it. Saying she has no emotional intelligence, can't keep friends, etc. (And in separate conversations, he'll say that she is exactly like me. Soooooooooooooo what does he think about me?)
Now he is talking about the consequences she'll face, taking away screen time, ice skating, her favorite foods, etc. Screen time, fine. Foods? Seems pretty messed up. Ice skating? The ONE thing in her life where she doesn't have conflict with ANYONE, that she puts in 110% effort, and she has a ton of confidence? It would make my life easier if she'd quit, but I can't fathom taking that away from her.
k3am- your DH is going to have to start reading up in neurodivergent kids. Expecting a kid with ADHD to just… buck up… is not realistic. She’s going to need to develop lots of strategies for doing things that come very naturally to neurotypical kids. And yeah, low emotional intelligence is a hallmark of kids with ADHD and who are otherwise neurodivergent.
Disciplining her for stuff that is likely beyond her control is just cruelty wrapped up in good intentions.
Damn k3am. I mean you’ve managed to keep WP friends for years and are always talking about get togethers.
My personality was flaky as a kid and DS is more. DD is DH’s personality carbon copy. We acknowledge that and use it a tool, but it’s not in a mean way more like self awareness.
I am so proud of you. You have went to clubs, started a volleyball team, played pickleball, poker, went out to eat, bought concert tickets and are having a ball at college.
Dear Ds,
I realize you want to go to the Beach for the long weekend, but can we check the weather and make sure the current hurricane has gone and not done any damage before you go.
Dear Dd again,
I assumed when you went to college my days if homework were over. Why am I helping write and correct a paper via text??
We don’t have an official ADHD diagnosis yet. I’m honestly not sure what her 4th grade teacher reported and we don’t have anything final back from the neuropsych yet. This year’s teacher seems to understand ADHD in girls and inattentive adhd, but says she doesn’t really see any major signs. (But also mentioned today that she will take stuff off other kids desks while they’re working, has irrational responses to a kid at her table, easily distracted, gets up and wanders around while she should be sitting…)
Post by librarychica on Aug 30, 2023 20:52:46 GMT -5
k3am, whether she’s neurodivergent or not, I think you’re 100% right not to take away “her thing.” Ice skating is a major PITA but it sounds like it’s a great source of confidence (no kid likes to have their teacher call their parents after all) and skill-building for her. Hopefully your H was just venting — I know I can definitely go into “burn it down” mode when frustrated so hopefully ge was just venting. Stay strong!
Post by librarychica on Aug 30, 2023 20:55:05 GMT -5
Dear DD1,
Our two days last week with some kind of stomach bug, a hurricane day for a nothingburger storm (where we are, at least), and now you have a sore throat. Child, we need to get you some vitamins
Love, Mama hoping it’s a small cold
Dear DD2.
No one was screaming in the yard tonight. The scary noise you heard the other night was a ceiling fan and, no, your sister’s Albert Einstein diorama cannot come to life.
He has been making the “she’s basically you” and “she has a low EQ” comments since as early as first grade. He knows it rubs me the wrong way, so he’s at least backed down on the “she’s basically you” comments over the years.
I’ve been trying to remind myself - and comfort DD when we were telling her that adhd was a potential - with the fact that he’s not wrong.. she is very much like me in many ways. And I am doing better than just okay at life, and she will too.
I understand that starting at a new school is scary, so I’ve been trying to be encouraging, talking up school, and setting up fun things for the end of the summer.
I do not appreciate the way I’ve been treated in return. You’ve now gotten yourself grounded and had a friend cancelled. Dd2 is also grounded for different reasons, so I don’t want to hear about how your life is unfair and she never gets in trouble.
Please figure it out and stop treating me like something you just scraped off your shoe.
Love, Mom
Dear DD2 -
Keep your hands to yourself or you’ve played your very last game of Roblox.
k3am hugs! Echoing other WPs, she should be allowed to hold onto ice skating regardless of her behaviors. As an educator and person who definitely showed sighs of ADHD as a child (it was called spacy, quirky and impulsive in my small hometown in the 80's), I cannot express the merits of physical activity enough for kiddos like your DD. I hope your H can gain some understanding of her challenges and start to see more of your daughter's strengths.
Dear DD1, I really hope you make it into jazz band! You practiced all summer for your audition and volunteered to audition first. I'm so proud of your efforts alone. I hope your band director sees this too. Hopeful, Your Mom
Hugs k3am, it’s so hard, parenting, adulting, figuring ourselves and our kids out.
I’m spent. I’m working 60 hour weeks now, dealing with everyone’s feelings at work and home, and helping ds1 get caught up with homework while also helping him figure out middle school teacher expectations and his gigantic feelings while fighting him to focus and do his work vs getting on the iPad or other distractions. He doesn’t feel great, is getting over a cold, has a lot of makeup work to do and is struggling with the larger expectations of middle school and having more work to do, less time to do it, and requiring greater immediate focus and concentration. One teacher gives them bell work daily- get stuff ready, read the poem and writ two sentences in 5 minutes. This is nearly impossible for ds who had a writing related 504 that the teacher knows about. He claims they “yell at him” for not getting it done which saddens me but I understand at the same time. He’s also sensitive as he’s trying hard, so redirecting equals yelling to him.
And we had Both elementary and middle school back to school nights this week. I’m done peopling.
Please don't tell DS you're not going to baby him. He's 7 and autistic. It's not appropriate. Stairs are hard for him and he's come so far. He needs encouragement & supports sometimes. Extend some grace.
You work with 8 year olds. It sounds like you’re in the wrong profession if you don’t understand some of your popcorn kernels of a class are going to pop differently and at different times. Some might even be colored popcorn kernels.
Life is chaotic right now with the kids having their huge feelings and big fights and meltdowns. I get it. It's hard.
I'm happy for you to go to the beach house without me or the kids this weekend. You're not dealing with the kids well. At this particular moment, I am better equipped to handle them. This is not always the case, for sure - but it's the case right now.
But you will NOT also saddle me with the dog. You will take him with you. If I'm managing 2 very hormonal, very nervous, very anxious kids, I'm not also managing an anxious, high energy dog alone while you chill, totally alone, in silence. So you can remove that from your brain.
Dear macmars45, son's 2nd grade teacher You sound like DD's new head resource teacher. Maybe teaching isn't your cup of tea if all students don't look and act the same way Frustrated parent
Dear new head resource teacher or SPED teacher whatever you want to be called. You call 30 minutes before back-to-school night again telling me DD doesn't need support. You don't want to listen that DD wants support and wants to improve her writing. Then DD starts in on why even bother going to school no one wants me there. Argh We meet you at the event and you start the conversation off with DD on why she doesn't need your room. Not helping. The kid wants to learn and get better isn't that the ideal student to have? Not looking forward to the next few weeks Frustrated parent
k3am, your DH sounds like mine. Makes fun of those on spectrum, who have ADHD, or needs supports. He is undiagnosed and I feel like he would easily be on spectrum, have and ADHD diagnosis, and was one of those kids that got special treatment at school well before 504s and IEP were a thing. His family told me I ruined DD for life by having her tested through the school for a disability because now she will be labeled for life. DD had poor choices on Tuesday and it never crossed my mind to take away gymnastics or riding. I took away a bunch of other things and did some natural consequences.
186momx, DH is, thankfully pretty respectful of kids with issues. But I suspect he thinks that it's some kind of failing on the parent, very much a nurture vs. nature thing, so he thinks it's a failing on our end for not be disciplined enough.
My mom had no idea how to parent me and followed similar methods that DH would like to follow, which really just escalated things. But he also will just make a claim like "oh, she has a low EQ" without any follow up or attempts to help her with it other than lecturing and punishment.
The kid is missing a golf ball sized part of her brain. So some of it might be nurture, but there's also a high likelihood that a part of it is nature.
k3am, We've all established that your DH is wrong. My kid's executive function disorder has nothing to do with our parenting. It is 100% nature a lot of it was caused by IUGR (Fine and gross motor delays), and the SPD is genetic from my side of the family originating from my mom's dad. I now realize that my mom and I both have it, hers is a lot of temperature regulation issues.
We really need a term for a friend that has annoyed us to the point we don't want to see on a regular basis, but don't totally hate them. Anyway, you wanted to get together, but I haven't heard from you, so I guess it isn't happening which is fine because see first sentence.
However, I am not sure why you (in my dream), planned a girls weekend in Manhattan, didn't find out where the Airbnb was, got us lost on an hour long bus ride, and then decided to host in your apartment while pulling out copious amounts of arts and crafts that you couldn't transport on a bus anyway.
Maybe that is an indicator on how "rolling with it" would go.
sandandsea- it sounds like your DS is dealing with rejection sensitivity dysphoria. My DS does too. When he’s more regulated emotionally, he can talk about it and think about it logically, but in the moment he’s a mess. For example, the other day he said the math teacher yelled at them. (The math teacher was his teacher last year. He’s so not a yeller.) Turns out, said teacher told one girl in the class to turn around and stop bothering the kids behind her. But to DS, in the moment, that was scary and was the whole class getting yelled at.
And wtf is the use of a timed poetry and writing assignment? I have an English degree. I taught high school and college level English classes. Never once have I had to “speed interpret” poetry in the real world or the academic one.