Homecoming Question

[nicolewi]

Got some good feedback already, thanks. Edited version:

I'm unsure how to feel and interested in outside perspectives. Obviously DD is going to take the lead and make the decisions here.

DD is a freshman. She has a boyfriend at a different school. Homecoming is coming up. Hers is first. She does NOT want to go with him and doesn't seem to understand that this could be hurtful. She just wants to go with friends and not "let everyone at school know that she has a boyfriend" because it might "change the way they think of her." I totally get it. It's sometimes way more fun to just go with friends and check things out (their first homecoming) and not worry about a date. None of her friends are going with dates, so it's not like they could all go as a group. Unless something changes rapidly. 

His is a couple weeks later...he might ask her, and if he does, she says she would go. 

Is it weird of her not to invite him?? Is this a normal thing anyway and he might not have an expectation of being invited and I'm being old-fashioned? 

I have a sense that some kind of @#$# might hit the fan about Homecoming.

[wanderingback]

I would have zero feelings about it and wouldn’t be worried.

[Deleted]

My DD will be in 11th grade this year. She went in 9th and 10th grade with a group of friends. She has a boyfriend this year, but he goes to a different school, so she's not inviting him and just going with friends again this year.

From what I've seen over the last few years, in our school anyway, Homecoming isn't really a "bring a date" kind of dance, unless you are a couple, and even then, everyone still seems to just go in big groups.

So no, I don't think it would be weird for your DD to not invite him.

[waverly]

My first thought it that if she wants to do homecoming with a group of girlfriends absolutely yes she should do that. I guess it could be hurtful, but I also think it could be fine if it is explained as Homecoming A is a friend thing and then Homecoming B is a couple thing, and she would like to do both and hope he understands and supports her friend time.

How the boyfriend and his family reacts is honestly outside of both of our control, and I don't know them to say how they would react. 9th grade is still so young, and I don't think that I would push her to invite him or worry about "proper" relationships or what the family would think. But you might talk with her about how she is planning to approach the topic of homecoming in general, and how she might handle it if he were upset. As far as the family, I don't appreciate guilt tripping your 14 or 15 year old about a family event and them being heavy handed and overbearing.  So if they decide that this is their hill to die on then maybe that's OK if the relationship runs its course. 

[nicolewi]

Sept 7, 2023 13:26:39 GMT -5 waverly said:

I deleted that part of the OP, but yeah, I really did not like that, personally. 

[nicolewi]

Sept 7, 2023 13:26:30 GMT -5 @sameoldstory said:

My DD will be in 11th grade this year. She went in 9th and 10th grade with a group of friends. She has a boyfriend this year, but he goes to a different school, so she's not inviting him and just going with friends again this year.

From what I've seen over the last few years, in our school anyway, Homecoming is really a "bring a date" kind of dance, unless you are a couple, and even then, everyone still seems to just go in big groups.

So no, I don't think it would be weird for your DD to not invite him.

This is great to hear. We know nothing as she's the oldest and I have no idea what Homecoming is like now at her school.

[186momx]

Have you looked into the red tape of bringing a date that isn't from your own school? Here there is a lot of red tape/hoops to jump through to bring someone who isn't a student at your school.

[nicolewi]

Sept 7, 2023 13:34:05 GMT -5 186momx said:

Have you looked into the red tape of bringing a date that isn't from your own school? Here there is a lot of red tape/hoops to jump through to bring someone who isn't a student at your school.

Also something I never thought about! Maybe it's a big hassle to bring something and this is a total non-issue for the kids. That's what I'm hoping. 

[imojoebunny]

Sept 7, 2023 13:34:05 GMT -5 186momx said:

Have you looked into the red tape of bringing a date that isn't from your own school? Here there is a lot of red tape/hoops to jump through to bring someone who isn't a student at your school.

Same at our school, you have to get a letter from the principal of the other kids school.  Big hassle, has to be completed well in advance.  Very few kids do it.  

[waverly]

Good point, I did know it was a hassle and the other school had to get involved, but I had forgotten about it.

[goldengirlz]

Your last sentence makes me a bit worried about her. That doesn’t sound healthy. It’s one thing for him to be disappointed, but if it’s beyond that, I worry he’s being possessive/controlling. I also don’t think she should be taught to tiptoe around a very reasonable desire to go just with her friends. If that’s her boundary, he needs to respect that, and if he can’t, it’s not a good relationship. She shouldn’t do things she doesn’t want to to spare any guy’s feelings.

[nicolewi]

goldengirlz, I deleted some info earlier. He's really great and not possessive at all; it was more something about his parents maybe getting involved or having issues with stuff.
I do feel, as someone else posted, that if his parents (or him, whatever) have an issue with Homecoming then maybe it's just going to be a natural part of the relationship running its course.

[momof2]

I would be thrilled if I had a 9th grade girl with a boyfriend that didn’t think she needed to be attached at the hip to him. And I think it is sort of strange that you seem more worried about his feelings than your daughter’s fantastic ability to say “I want to do things X way.” Far too many girls/women spend far too much time trying to people please the men in their life. To be clear, I would be fine if my kid wanted to go to both with the boyfriend. I just mean that your daughter is showing great strengths in being able to articulate her desires and showing a healthy balance between personal and couple stuff.

I missed the details on the parents, but I’d they get involved (and are potentially wackadoodle), it is a great opportunity to discuss with your daughter how to handle crazy people — and whether “love is enough”’to overcome the crazy people that sometimes come along with an SO. This is assuming they are not wackadoodle enough to actually harm her in some way.

[expectantsteelerfan]

I went to homecoming with a boy I was dating from another school when I was in high school, and even though I had one other good friend from my school who went too because her boyfriend also went to that school and the 3 of us (my friend, my boyfriend and 1) worked together, it was still super boring compared to all the school dances I went to at my own school because I didn't enjoy spending the night with a bunch of people I didn't know well.

Yet one more reason why your dd will have more fun with her own friends and not having to worry about making her boyfriend feel comfortable with people he doesn't know well.

[mcppalmbeach]

I think if the sh#% hits the fan he’s not for her. I am already highly encouraging my son to go to Homecoming with his friends and not invite a date lol. Especially when they are at different schools I think it’s kind of annoying to “babysit” and be responsible for someone else’s good time. My senior year boyfriend and I went to different schools and our proms were the same day. He offered to come to mine, but I declined because I just wanted to have fun with my friends. I do think you’re right to prepare her in case he is disappointed so she explains her reasons. It’s 100% fine for her to want to go with friends and it’s 100% fine for him to be surprised or disappointed as long as both parties handle it gracefully.

[InBetweenDays]

I would never tell DD she has to invite a boy somewhere to appease him. And she shouldn't feel like she needs to make excuses. Be kind but be honest. It's fine that she wants to go to homecoming with her friends.

And for our school you do need to get a form signed by both principals to bring an outside student to a dance. But it isn't a huge hassle. DD did that last year for a dance.

[roxysoxy]

This probably varies by school, but at my daughter's school, students usually go to homecoming with their friends and not dates. My daughter is in 11th grade and in both 9th and 10th she went with groups of friends. This is very different than my high school back in the day - everyone went with a date. 

[rooster222]

My dd also has a bf and is not inviting him to homecoming. I told her she should have a conversation and explain that she's going with single friends instead of just not inviting/explaining.

[VillainV]

I think it makes perfect sense for her to want to go with her friends to one, and with her boyfriend to the second. Best of both worlds!

I also think it’s a good idea to communicate what she wants to do clearly and early. If he’s a good kid, then he will understand and respect her desire to go with friends to hers. But good communication is the key here.

[ellipses84]

I think this can be a good moment to for you to coach her on healthy relationships. It’s totally fine she wants to go with her friends, but the mature way to handle it, is to tell her boyfriend that is what she is doing ahead of time, in a kind way. They can also discuss what he wants to do for his homecoming. How he or his parents react says more about them, and she may need to learn to set boundaries in relationships. I’d make it clear to her she should never do something she’s uncomfortable with or give into manipulative, guilt tripping behavior (and those behaviors are red flags) but you can do that while considering people’s feelings, like she would with her good friends.

[maudefindlay]

nicolewi I saw you mention in the ML weekend thread that it's homecoming weekend. How did your DD's plans turn out?

[nicolewi]

They are both just going with friends. Seems to be fine so far! Ours is tonight and his is in 2 weeks.

[maudefindlay]

Sept 23, 2023 14:54:10 GMT -5 nicolewi said:

They are both just going with friends. Seems to be fine so far! Ours is tonight and his is in 2 weeks.

Years ago before we had kids we were out with nieces and nephews and our oldest niece had a boyfriend at the time (both high school) and her younger siblings had the following conversation together in front of the couple:
Nephew"You think they will get married?"
Younger Niece "Are you kidding? They won't even know each other in a year."

So true and wise.