what professional handles hoarding?

[cjcouple]

This is a very sad situation with my MIL.  

She truly needs professional help. My husband is trying to help her but I honestly think it is time for a professional.  It's too much for him to tackle her mental health issue behind it all.  

Also, how do we convince her, she needs a professional's help? Anyone deal with this with a loved one? 

[livinitup]

I’ve only experienced it through entertainment channels like Hoarders (TV) and random articles that I find interesting. Plus, it comes up in discussions on anti-cutter channels a bit.

It is very much a mental health condition and very hard to treat. There are 4 levels of “hoarders”, the ones we see on TV are level
4. Does she have any diagnosis or connections to providers? Most often, I hear about OCD disorder, depression, anxiety. Could you start there?

Physically removing the stuff is temporary and often traumatic for the hoarder and family who is trying to help. Most often, the space is re-hoarded pretty quickly.

Are there safety issues involved? Pets? Is she at risk of fines or inspection by outside entities (utilities, county, courts, etc). I only ask because that may bring the pressure to the issue or a sense of urgency for your MIL. What is she saying or asking for?

[wanderingback]

The removing of the stuff is the easier part. There are companies that will come clean up. However, if she’s a hoarder then likely a good idea to address the mental health aspects first. Is she willing to get help and be involved in the process?

[cjcouple]

Sept 9, 2023 12:44:03 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

The removing of the stuff is the easier part. There are companies that will come clean up. However, if she’s a hoarder then likely a good idea to address the mental health aspects first. Is she willing to get help and be involved in the process?

this is a loaded question. Depends on the day.

I was really just looking for direction to find a couple people she can call when she is ready to ask for help. DH will be the one talking to her about "suggesting" the help.

He's about to lose his mind and I don't know where to even look for a me tal health professional to help her. My Dr's are all a state over.

[rosiebear]

My sister in law is a hoarder and I hate to say this, but nothing has helped. It is her coping and comfort mechanism, apparently. It’s a complete mindfuck for all of us who’ve tried to help her because she does occasionally ask for help, seemingly sincerely laments the state of her home, but multiple, MULTIPLE full clean outs have been re-hoarded.

She can’t seem to help herself going to every thrift store and rummage sale she sees and just buys endless STUFF. Stuff she has no need for - it doesn’t matter. If it catches her eye, she buys it. She’s a warm, lovely, engaging person with an excellent career as a librarian, but this compulsion seems beyond her control. I’m not close enough to her to suggest mental health help, but it is definitely a mental health issue with her, and not a matter of housekeeping or de-cluttering.

[cjcouple]

livinitup

All valid questions.

There are safety issues but no one from state is involved. The inside stuff is not unsafe as in feces or anything BUT a fire hazard for sure.

Outside, there are sheds and tons of outside clutter that have mold and vermin, etc.

[cjcouple]

rosiebear

MIL buys a lot as well regardless of need and cant get rid of anything. Even broken things.

[Leeham Rimes]

I don’t know that you can convince someone they need help when they’re so oblivious to their illness. Hoarding is within the family of obsessive compulsive disorders so a therapist trained on that specific area would be ideal. I’m sure your MIL probably had underlying issues as well so she may need additional help as they peel back the layers of the illness.

For my family members that have mental illness there’s nothing I can do to force them getting help. They are/were “fine”, they “could handle it themselves” until I pretty much just said that I wasn’t participating in their lives (but for some occasions, a few times a year) if they were not interested in getting help.

My mother is very close to being a hoarder. It’s not unsafe in her house yet, but she absolutely cannot throw anything away. She has an old mattress someone gave her in her living room for almost a year. It took her 2 months to get rid of a small box of plugs to outdated appliances that she no longer had (but what if I need them.) I cannot stand to go to her house and see all the clutter and stuff. But she’s “fine”. She can “handle it.”

She wants me and my family to move into her house so finances for both families would be less strained but she’s got a 4 bedroom house and no room for us at all. She doesn’t see that for some reason. She knows it’s messy but that’s as far as she’ll go.

I did tell her one day in a fit of exasperation that she better go through her things and sort as she see fit bc when she dies, it’s all going in a dumpster. I don’t recommend that approach.

[MixedBerryJam]

I always tell people to connect with the towns Council on Aging. They are a bottomless well of resources you’d never think of. It might be called something else tho.

[gemini79]

Is your husband in counseling? That sounds like it is really difficult and like you said, he's "losing his own mind" over the situation. Helping him cope with something that feels out of control is important

[cjcouple]

Sept 9, 2023 13:58:04 GMT -5 gemini79 said:

Is your husband in counseling? That sounds like it is really difficult and like you said, he's "losing his own mind" over the situation. Helping him cope with something that feels out of control is important

He's just getting frustrated because she is asking for help and unable to make progress. He was there for 4 hours to help her this morning (she rented a dumpster) and won't commit to tossing much at all. And when he clears an area, she fills it back up.

What ultimately I can see happening is he will just start saying he can't help.

[Bernadine]

So, I do professional organizing on the side and have been working with a hoarder for almost a year now. We do one three hour session pretty much weekly. It’s verrrrrrry slow going, and she’s still buying more than she should, but we are making progress.

I absolutely agree that a mental health professional should be the place you start. It will take some work, you’d probably have to call around to find someone who has specifically dealt with hoarders before.

helplinefaqs.nami.org/article/50-how-can-i-get-help-support-for-hoarding-disorder

[mommyatty]

Do you or your hubs have access to an employee assistance program? Can you call them to try to find referrals to mental health professionals in her area? That really will be where you need to start.

My family is full of hoarders. It’s awful. They really don’t see an issue, which is mind-blowing.

[wise_rita]

Sept 9, 2023 13:44:36 GMT -5 Leeham Rimes said:

I did tell her one day in a fit of exasperation that she better go through her things and sort as she see fit bc when she dies, it’s all going in a dumpster. I don’t recommend that approach.

I feel like this should absolutely be communicated. Not that I think it would "cure" them, but they need to know that their next of kin will not continue the mess after they're gone.

[mcmel]

As difficult as it is, this is one of those times where I have to say yes to myself and no to my mom. She’s on the smaller end of hoarding, basically keeping it to closets and the garage, but it’s just buying so much pointless shit with no intention of ever using it. It fills up spaces, she asks us for help to clean it out, she immediately fills it up again.

Provide phone numbers to people who will clear out the home and to mental health facilities and then I’d wash myself clean of the entire thing. They have to want it and do it themselves.

[dirtyred]

Sept 9, 2023 13:44:36 GMT -5 Leeham Rimes said:

I did tell her one day in a fit of exasperation that she better go through her things and sort as she see fit bc when she dies, it’s all going in a dumpster. I don’t recommend that approach.

There have been several hoarders in my family, my uncle being one of them. My cousin was arguing with him, and my uncle said "That's your inheritance! I can't give it away!!" My cousin dryly repsonded "Yeah, it's going to cost me $300 for a construction dumpster to get rid of my inheritance."



Hoarding is such a frustrating disease.

[dirtyred]

Sept 10, 2023 4:19:56 GMT -5 wise_rita said:

Sept 9, 2023 13:44:36 GMT -5 Leeham Rimes said:

I did tell her one day in a fit of exasperation that she better go through her things and sort as she see fit bc when she dies, it’s all going in a dumpster. I don’t recommend that approach.

I feel like this should absolutely be communicated. Not that I think it would "cure" them, but they need to know that their next of kin will not continue the mess after they're gone.

Unfortunately, all it does is send the person into a panic spiral and makes them even more reluctant to get rid of anything.  Plus it often starts a screaming fight.

[jlt19]

MIL is a hoarder with a significant amount of mental health issues but she refuses help. She’ll complain of course and has been given multiple ideas and offers of help. She’s moved a few times in the past 10 years and her daughters have always “helped” pack and usually can throw away a dumpsters worth of things they don’t think she’ll miss. She does and they fight, and now there’s little relationship between her and any of her kids/grandkids. It’s sad, but you can’t help someone that won’t help themself.

I think it’s basically to the point that they’ve all given up and will just pay someone to deal with it when she passes (no time soon, hopefully).

Hers stems from growing up poor with low self esteem. She married “up” and he built a successful business (with her support, yes)and they let the whole small town know with all of their “things”. Then 30 years later he left her, but she was WELL provided for and could have sailed through her golden years unaffected, had she only gotten a job (kids were all in/past college). She refused, was too good for that and continued her way of life until she blew through her 7 figure alimony.

She still can’t let go of what “should have been”. It’s been 24 years since that happened…

[Jalapeñomel]

I have a friend who does this for a living, and she’s considered a professional organizer. Look for those in your area.

[vasc]

To answer your direct question, if the hoarding includes food messes, rotting food, animal feces, or any other biohazards, I’d be looking for companies who specialize in those services (I.e crime scene clean up people). However, I’m guessing their methods would purely involve putting everything in a dumpster and not any sorting, organizing, or addressing the mental health side of it.

[letsgetweird]

Convincing a hoarder to get help is the same as convincing an alcoholic to get help. You can't convince them.

My grandma was an extreme hoarder. She hoarded until she had a stroke last year and had to be moved into an assisted living facility. Surprisingly she didn't hoard there but that was probably because my mom was there so often. She passed away 6 months ago and we had to clean out her house.

[mrsukyankee]

If she would be willing to work with a cognitive behavioural therapist, I'd go that route. You can find therapists on the Psychology Today website.

[cjcouple]

Thanks all. I'm going to pass along a couple thoughts that DH can give to his mom. I know she has to decide for herself but he can at least try and plant a seed.

He can't keep devoted hours there and just shifting her things around.

[cattledogkisses]

I'm sorry you and your DH are dealing with this. I agree with others who said that until the person hoarding is willing to pursue the mental health treatment that they need, trying to clean is useless. If your husband is feeling overwhelmed by this, therapy might be beneficial for him too.

We went through this in my family with my grandmother. My parents would go periodically to clean out her apartment when her landlord would threaten to evict her, but she'd just fill the place back up again every time.

[Leeham Rimes]

Sept 11, 2023 7:51:22 GMT -5 cjcouple said:

Thanks all. I'm going to pass along a couple thoughts that DH can give to his mom. I know she has to decide for herself but he can at least try and plant a seed.

He can't keep devoted hours there and just shifting her things around.

I would use the times when she says “H, I need you to come over and help me sort/clean.” He could say “Mom, I’m really not the person you need to help you with this task, I have a list of professionals that have the tools you need to be able to sort items, dispose of them, and not replace them. I can help you make an appointment with them. ”

Or something like that. So he’s not saying “no I won’t/can’t help” it’s just his help is going to look different than it has in the past.

She may still play the victim like my mom does, but it’s true. I cannot help her in the way she “wants”. I CAN help her another way, it’s up to her to decide if she wants it.

[lust2hart]

Sept 11, 2023 11:49:34 GMT -5 Leeham Rimes said:

Sept 11, 2023 7:51:22 GMT -5 cjcouple said:

Thanks all. I'm going to pass along a couple thoughts that DH can give to his mom. I know she has to decide for herself but he can at least try and plant a seed.

He can't keep devoted hours there and just shifting her things around.

I would use the times when she says “H, I need you to come over and help me sort/clean.” He could say “Mom, I’m really not the person you need to help you with this task, I have a list of professionals that have the tools you need to be able to sort items, dispose of them, and not replace them. I can help you make an appointment with them. ”

Or something like that. So he’s not saying “no I won’t/can’t help” it’s just his help is going to look different than it has in the past.

She may still play the victim like my mom does, but it’s true. I cannot help her in the way she “wants”. I CAN help her another way, it’s up to her to decide if she wants it.

This is so good!

[simpsongal]

Sept 10, 2023 19:20:39 GMT -5 letsgetweird said:

Convincing a hoarder to get help is the same as convincing an alcoholic to get help. You can't convince them.

I think this is true and the toughest issue. 

If there are trusted folks that would be willing to encourage your MIL to get help (much like an intervention), that could be a workable approach.  I know when I'm tackling tough issues w/folks in my family it doesn't matter how right or logical I am in my position, I need to bring in other outside voices to get the person to take action.

Your DH having a rehearsed response re his role in helping her is a good idea - the line between enabling and care is a tough one to walk. 

[sonrisa]

It’s a mental health issue.

just like you can’t just tell someone who is depressed to ‘snap out of it’ you can’t just clean or organize your way out of hoarding.

Also, unless there is a court order or some sort of conservatorship, you can’t make someone see their psychiatrist or therapist or take their meds.