Personally, I would kick him out. But that is easy for me to say and probably very difficult for you to actually do. But I’m fully prepared for my dad to end up homeless and he isn’t moving into my house. I’m not “detaching with love”, I’m just detaching.
I know it sounds like I am enabling him and I probably am but my fear is if I kick him out, he will end up on the streets and I will never hear from him again. After losing one brother, I just cannot bear, right now, to lose another.
Its a diffciult situation and I don't expect anyone to understand it. Trust me, I have cried myself to sleep many a night worrying about him and also being upset with myself for not knowing how to handle this.
no judgment. My alcoholic brother just moved in with me recently. He was drinking very heavily and making very poor decisions after his wife died 2 years ago. I was so anxious after losing my sister in law and then seeing my brother not doing well. It was so hard.
He's now back to work and doing somewhat better, I think. He's been traveling for work alot so I don't see him all that often.
Post by formerlyak on Sept 22, 2023 21:12:47 GMT -5
thebreakfastclub my brother died of multiple organ failure due to alcoholism. Last December. My mom and I had no idea he was drinking as much as he was after my dad died six weeks earlier. Every day I wonder how I didn’t see it. Or what I could have done to change it. The answer is nothing.
My aunt/godmother died of the same six months earlier. We knew she was drinking. Her son tried and tried to get her help. She refused.
OP just didn’t want to read and not send support. Alcoholism is a terrible, nasty disease and the person suffering often doesn’t understand how bad it is. It’s so misunderstood because there are physical and mental health aspects of the disease and so many people just think the alcoholic is “making bad choices”. Being sick isn’t a choice. But the person who is sick has to realize they are sick before changes can be made.
Al-anon might help some of you struggling to support an addict. In my experience, nothing you do will ever be right in their eyes, so you need to do what's best for you. There is no winning with this disease.
And what's best for you may change. Maybe it's detaching completely. Maybe it's distancing yourself. Maybe it's letting them live with you. Maybe it's calling out lies. Maybe it's pretending to believe them and moving on. Whatever it is, what's important is that you feel personal integrity in the choice. And that you don't take on yourself the job of saving them.
For me, when my dad is drinking, I know he's not telling the truth so I just don't engage at all on the topic. Pure teenage mmmkay whatever you say vibes. That works for me. Fortunately, it's been several years since his last relapse, so now we are doing well because we can both he honest with each other.
Post by icedcoffee on Sept 23, 2023 8:03:37 GMT -5
I really feel for everyone carrying guilt in this thread. It is so hard, but I’ll repeat for everyone here carrying the weight that there is nothing you could have done! It is not your fault for not seeing it. Nothing you do will change anything.
I really feel for everyone carrying guilt in this thread. It is so hard, but I’ll repeat for everyone here carrying the weight that there is nothing you could have done! It is not your fault for not seeing it. Nothing you do will change anything.
Thank you. I think logically I do know there is nothing I could have done. But it doesn’t stop the wondering. What if we forced him in my car a week sooner? What if I insisted he come to my house for dinner on the way home from work more often (he passed my house to get home and didn’t drink here)? What if I stayed on the phone each night with him a little longer when he was sad about my dad? Lots of what ifs.
I really feel for everyone carrying guilt in this thread. It is so hard, but I’ll repeat for everyone here carrying the weight that there is nothing you could have done! It is not your fault for not seeing it. Nothing you do will change anything.
Thank you. I think logically I do know there is nothing I could have done. But it doesn’t stop the wondering. What if we forced him in my car a week sooner? What if I insisted he come to my house for dinner on the way home from work more often (he passed my house to get home and didn’t drink here)? What if I stayed on the phone each night with him a little longer when he was sad about my dad? Lots of what ifs.
<3. addicts are professionals at hiding. Sending you peace!
My cousin is an alcoholic. I usually respond to his lies somewhere between playing along and outright confronting him. So he says he checked with his doctor who gave him the green light to keep drinking, and I say “hm!” Or he says nobody understands that he passed out because he was tired, NOT because he was drunk, and I say “that sounds tough.” Very bland tone.
Usually he is still with it enough that he can deduce that I’m not buying it, which makes him double down and lie more. I don’t mind that he squirms and feels caught out, in fact I sort of like making him uncomfortable without even confronting him. Let him wonder if I’m on to him. It’s not a punishment to him, it’s just the most authentic yet calm way I have found that I can be around him.
I haven’t read all of the responses yet so my apologies if someone has already said this.
You said you want her to be straight with you. You cannot expect that from her. Addicts lie. Period. End of story.
You can only control you. So set YOUR boundaries. Interact with her only in ways that are good/healthy for YOU.
Addiction is a powerful monster and only the person in its grasp can do the work needed to break free. You can only help her if she wants it. That is the most difficult thing to accept, I know. I’ll be thinking of you and praying you find and keep boundaries that protect your own mental health.
I’m sorry. Like others have said, if she doesn’t want help, it’s nearly pointless to provide it. Which sucks, especially if you’re anything like me and want to fix, fix, fix.
IMO, the best thing you can do is support your own journey through the situation (AlAnon, therapy, etc) and continue providing support in a way that lets her know that when she’s ready to or needs to come clean and get on the right track, you’ll be there.
Post by midwestmama on Sept 25, 2023 7:54:27 GMT -5
I didn't want to read and not comment. DH's dad is/was an alcoholic, but we rarely talk to him, so no experience to share from our interactions with him. I suspect that MIL has some sort of addiction which she hides, but I don't know for sure. (I suspect because when DH offered to help her build a budget, she adamantly refused, to the point where it was suspicious as to why she so strongly didn't want DH to help her with a budget. All I could wonder is, what did she have to hide? She's a habitual liar, so I'm sure she's trying to hide something.) Her 2nd XH was into drugs (she was already divorced from him when DH and I met, but I heard from DH and others in the family about this guy), and it's possible he got her into them as well while they were together. She is showing signs of dementia, so I'm going to look into alcohol-induced dementia - I didn't realize that existed.
I think if they don't want help, it is generally not worth your time or effort to try to help. If they don't seem to think there is a problem, they will likely just get angry that you are trying to "fix" them. Maybe the best way to support at this time is to tell her, "I'm here if you need me" and leave it at that.
ETA: The addiction/alcoholism possibility for MIL is now making me think back to all the times she canceled last minute/said she couldn't come to something because she was "sick." I'm wondering now if she was hungover...
My brother is an alcoholic. I don't talk to him about it. He doesn't bring it up and neither do I. My parents and my sister deal with it more directly than I do. They all live in the same town and I don't. They help out with his kids. If he wanted to talk to me about it, I'd totally be up for that conversation but I wouldn't be cool with him lying to my face. If he wants to drink that's his business. He's an adult. I certainly can't stop him, but if you are going to do it, own up to it, don't lie about it. I know he does this to my parents and sister. I think it stems from being in denial about the severity of his problems and also shame. If I thought me saying something to him would change things, I'd say something but I know it won't so I choose to have as regular a conversation as I can have with him.
We had no idea my FIL was an alcoholic until he began to show signs of alcohol-induced dementia a few years ago and we had to step in to take over their finances. That's when I realized 25% of their net income was going to the liquor store each month. Thankfully, he was actually very receptive to our pleas for him to stop drinking, and it didn't take long for him to quit. I think it would have been harder for him if he hadn't already been going through dementia but he was already pretty out of it and was put on tons of other meds.
Unfortunately, the damage was already done by that point and he's declined rapidly. He actually just entered hospice last week
If there's any silver lining to all of it, we didn't go through years of heartache dealing with his alcoholism because we didn't know about it. No one did - except my MIL, who was either in deep denial or very good at covering for him. So no real advice, but all the sympathy in the world.
Post by simpsongal on Sept 25, 2023 13:19:53 GMT -5
Posting for solidarity- I appreciated reading the responses. Sister of an addict. I'm hoping he's clean but I don't know if I'd believe him if he said he was...so I don't ask.
Until this post, I had no idea alcohol induced dementia was a thing. Add that to the list of things I worry about.
Alcohol induced dementia is a very real thing along w drug induced psychosis. Addiction permanently alters the addict's brain to the point of no return.