Bday party conundrum Updated

[maudefindlay]

DD will be 11 next month and all this past year has been requesting a party at our local pottery painting place.

Unfortunately she and her BFF had a falling out (BFF said something very unkind about DD's body). We had a talk that she doesn't have to be friends with her, but be cordial as they are in the same homeroom. DD went to this girl's bday party a couple months ago. Her Mom and I were/are friendly though she seems to be avoiding me now based on her behavior at a recent party (I greeted her and then rest of the night she avoided eye contact and groups I was talking in). DD was crying at school last week as former BFF was talking about her to other girls. DD went to talk to the counselor and I believe exbff got called in to talk to the counselor. No phone calls home to us,no idea if exbff's parents were called. It's all awkward.

Now with the bday party not sure what to do. Normally I'm an invite all the girls in the class, but DD does not want exbff there. Part of me thinks she'd just decline and not come. Ugh, what would you do?

Eta The plan was to invite all the girls in her homeroom.

Update, this child is a rollercoaster. She decided she did want to invite exbff as she knew she would hear about the party and didn't want hurt feelings/awkwardness. Then decided she didn't want her party at the local pottery painting place and only wanted it at a place that is 45 min away which is just too much.....so we aren't having a party. The end. Kids!

Final Update: We are doing pizza, dessert, games at our house tonight and then taking eight 5th grade girls to a haunted trail.

[mccallister84]

I try to respect my children’s wishes, within reason. I.e i would not invite every girl in the class but this one, but if she’s only inviting a handful of girls, I’d respect her wish to leave ex BFF out.

I would also discuss how this might cause more of a wedge between the girls and be sure my daughter is okay with that. And finally, I would instruct my daughter to not talk about the party at school, in group settings where anyone who did not get invited might overhear.

[sdlaura]

I also have a just-turned-11-year-old daughter and I'm not loving the friend dynamics at this age - I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I would tell my DD that we need to stick to the rule of either inviting all the girls in the class or no more than half. So I wouldn't leave this one girl out if I were inviting every other girl - but would expect her to decline.

My DD's good friend from softball and BFF since preschool are now in the same "girl squad" - as they have named it - at school, and leave my DD out of outside-of-school activities like their planned joint Halloween costume and trick-or-treating. DD is friends with all the girls individually but for some reason the other girls don't want to invite DD to some of their joint activities (where it would be no big deal to have one more friend there). I don't get it, but DH has reminded me not to insert myself into the friend dynamics unless DD asked for help. I brought up to DD's other softball friend and her mom that DD wasn't invited to trick or treat with the "girl squad" and that softball friend immediately said "you have to come with me. And we could do a joint costume!" It was very sweet. But DH thinks I was meddling too much.

[thebreakfastclub]

I would respect my kid's wishes and be 100% on their team. Frankly this is a great life lesson for that girl. It's great if the girl talked things out with the guidance counselor, but nobody has to forgive her on a timeline that accommodates the birthday party. She can sit this one out and still leave the door open for them to mend fences.

[waverly]

maudefindlay, I think at 11, it makes sense to invite girls that she is actively friends with right now. Remember, a party is a snap shot in time. Anyway, so in our case that might mean, a couple of girls from Girl Scouts, her soccer team, and maybe a neighbor or 2. So we wouldn't really be doing the all the girls in the class thing anymore as they may have outgrown the class party idea.

[jinkies]

In my experience, by this age, birthdays are usually smaller groups of close friends, and moving away from full-class parties. I would suggest that she choose 3-4 of her closest friends, or however many you can fit in your car, and just take them to the pottery place, and maybe do ice cream after or something.

5th/6th/7th grades are really hard on friendships. It's normal, but it sucks.

[sdlaura]

I wanted to add...I think my perspective would be different if these girls were 13 or 16. At that age I'd be more thinking "you made your own bed by being mean, now you get to lie in it by being the only girl left out of the birthday party." But I assume these girls are only in 5th grade. I think that's pretty young to leave out just one kid and still invite all the others.

If you still decide to invite all the girls in the class and by some chance she did accept, I would text the mom before the party and say something like "I know our girls have had some tension lately - I hope (your daughter) can help (my daughter) have a special day" or something that makes it clear that her kid better be nice to my kid at her own birthday party.

My DD hasn't moved to smaller parties yet. Every year she thinks about having a smaller one like a pottery place and ice cream (which a PP suggested and sounds fun). She wants to include everyone she knows and their siblings, so we have them at the community pool so that she doesn't have to limit the guest list. We have the luxury of her birthday being over the summer, so there are no dynamics around how many classmates she's inviting.

[mrshandy]

As both my kids have gotten older, we have reduced the number of people at parties to only those that they are friends with. I would invite 3-5 friends and call it good. That's plenty to have fun at a pottery place.

Both my kids have summer birthdays so that makes it easier not to have to invite the entire class but it also makes it harder to schedule since many people go on various vacations.

[abs]

Sept 25, 2023 12:48:10 GMT -5 jinkies said:

In my experience, by this age, birthdays are usually smaller groups of close friends, and moving away from full-class parties. I would suggest that she choose 3-4 of her closest friends, or however many you can fit in your car, and just take them to the pottery place, and maybe do ice cream after or something.

5th/6th/7th grades are really hard on friendships. It's normal, but it sucks.

This 100%. It’s a tough age and friendships do change so much starting in 5th grade. I would respect your daughter’s wishes and not invite this girl but I would also rethink inviting all the girls in the home run class. Ask her to pick 3-4 girls that make her feel good and take them out for painting/lunch/ice cream. Done.

It does get better. 5th grade was a horrible time for friendships for DD. She was lonely and miserable. 6th grade and now 7th have been great and she’s really found her people. Still a tough age but 11 is just rough.

[momin2013]

As PP's have said, at her age, I'd have her just invite a handful of friends - no need to invite all the girls in the class.

[Pilsy]

I agree with inviting a handful of friends instead of all the girls in the class. Certainly no need to invite the former BFF, but inviting every girl in the class other then her wouldn't fly with me.

[expectantsteelerfan]

How does your dd feel about having a small, handful of friends party vs. a whole homeroom of girls party? Are there any girls that she is friends with outside of the homeroom that she would invite that would make it less 'girls from this homeroom only'?

My dd turned 12 only 2 weeks ago and had her party at a pottery painting place/our house, but we've been doing small parties for years (probably because of Covid, I think the only year we invited the while class was kindergarten). But we had 5 girls at the party this year, and that was a good amount.

But I agree that this age is tricky. She has this 'group' of friends that has been close for over a year now, but one girl has friends in another group and often spends more time with them, and they often gossip about her ditching them for the other group and it can get catty and I don't like it.

[smock]

We were in this same situation a couple months ago, though with slightly younger kids. DD1 had a falling out with her BFF after the BFF was mean to her, so instead of inviting the whole class or all the girls in class to DD1's 9th birthday party, we did a much smaller group. Even after DD1 went to BFF's party a few months earlier. So in your situation, I'd go with a smaller group and not invite the BFF.

[maudefindlay]

I'm liking the idea of a small group of friends. Her class doesn't have a lot of girls in it and she is friends with them all minus exbff so that's why she wanted to invite them. I'll see if we can narrow it down. We would never invite all but exbff. Was wondering more if invite all including her or for alternative ideas which you all gave. It feels weird to not invite her as thos was all recent and DD went to her party, but definitely want to respect DD. Annoyed I'm even spending this much time thinking about this. Just be nice dangit.

[ECB]

I definitely agree- just invite a few close friends. All else aside, 11 actually seems a bit old for a "whole class party" anyhow.

[ECB]

Sept 25, 2023 13:29:25 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

I'm liking the idea of a small group of friends. Her class doesn't have a lot of girls in it and she is friends with them all minus exbff so that's why she wanted to invite them. I'll see if we can narrow it down. We would never invite all but exbff. Was wondering more if invite all including her or for alternative ideas which you all gave. It feels weird to not invite her as thos was all recent and DD went to her party, but definitely want to respect DD. Annoyed I'm even spending this much time thinking about this. Just be nice dangit.

We were cross posting.  Knowing this... eh, if she really does consider them all friends and wants to invite them, then she should.  The fact they all happen to be in her homeroom is coincidence, in a sense.  

DS had a big falling out w/ 3 friends last year right before his birthday. It sucked.  He pivoted and instead of inviting school friends, he invited lacrosse friends.  It all worked out and the lacrosse friends have all become better friends now anyhow - so it worked out.  

For your DD, I would just stress to not talk about the party in school, and if she can, guide her friends to do the same. 

[momof2]

Sept 25, 2023 13:33:39 GMT -5 ECB said:

Sept 25, 2023 13:29:25 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

I'm liking the idea of a small group of friends. Her class doesn't have a lot of girls in it and she is friends with them all minus exbff so that's why she wanted to invite them. I'll see if we can narrow it down. We would never invite all but exbff. Was wondering more if invite all including her or for alternative ideas which you all gave. It feels weird to not invite her as thos was all recent and DD went to her party, but definitely want to respect DD. Annoyed I'm even spending this much time thinking about this. Just be nice dangit.

We were cross posting.  Knowing this... eh, if she really does consider them all friends and wants to invite them, then she should.  The fact they all happen to be in her homeroom is coincidence, in a sense.  

DS had a big falling out w/ 3 friends last year right before his birthday. It sucked.  He pivoted and instead of inviting school friends, he invited lacrosse friends.  It all worked out and the lacrosse friends have all become better friends now anyhow - so it worked out.  

For your DD, I would just stress to not talk about the party in school, and if she can, guide her friends to do the same. 

+1. She should invite the kids she really likes and not invite the girl who tried to body shame her. She should not run around talking about it.

[mrsGreeko]

Having two teenage DDs, I’d also be prepared that your DD and the BFF might make up and become friends again suddenly right before the party and your DD change her mind about inviting her. The friendship shakeups from 5th grade into high school were intense for both of my girls and to a lesser extent my son who is only about to turn 12. It’s a wild freaking ride.

[meanie]

Can she just pick a few girls to go with? It doesn't seem like anyone is doing whole class parties anymore at this age anyways.

[nicolewi]

UGG this is really crappy. We went through a situation about trying to decide who to invite to birthday parties last year, and I will say I really regret just not making my daughter invite all the girls. I think it was dumb that we had to leave a couple out. so based on that, I would say she should invite everyone. She doesn’t have to talk to this girl or hang out with her, but being that she’s inviting everyone else she should continue to try to be civil. That way, your daughter still gets the pottery party she wants with everyone else there, and it puts the ball in BFFs court about whether or not she’s going to attend. Maybe she would just decline anyway. I don’t know that there is a right or wrong answer, But this is what I would try to do.

[erbear]

She cannot invite all the girls except one. That is incredibly unkind. Either cut it back to a couple of girls, or invite the girl and hope she declines.

Also, in 6th grade, friendships change regularly. They might be BFFs again tomorrow (and hopefully she'll have learned her lesson about talking about friends and their bodies)

[tacokick]

I would maybe invite either fewer or more girls from other classes but I can’t imagine insisting inviting a child who was mean to your daughter and who she doesn’t want to invite to her birthday party. If you can’t have people you like and who make you feel good at your birthday party then when? I would have rather not had a party at all.

Sometimes the consequence of talking about another person negatively (especially about their body/appearance) is that that person doesn’t want you at their birthday party and you get left out. It doesn’t sound from the reaction that it was a throw away comment that got taken out of context or anything like that.

I don’t think we do people any favors by teaching them they have to reach out and include people who are unkind to them in situations where their presence is in any way optional. She still sees her at school and is pleasant. I think that’s enough.

[maudefindlay]

Sept 25, 2023 16:46:35 GMT -5 erbear said:

She cannot invite all the girls except one. That is incredibly unkind. Either cut it back to a couple of girls, or invite the girl and hope she declines.

Also, in 6th grade, friendships change regularly. They might be BFFs again tomorrow (and hopefully she'll have learned her lesson about talking about friends and their bodies)

Definitely would never invite all and not her, that's not on the table for sure. Debating all or just some, but stinks to cut some. I should have also mentioned her bday is over fall break and I worry if I just invite a few we won't have a great turnout. Can't do it before or after break due to sports and other events.
I was impressed on her own she told their mutual friends not to be picking sides. What we are still working on is getting her to tell them not to come tell her things exbff says about her.

[expectantsteelerfan]

This reminded me that last year, dd and our next door neighbor had a similar issue. The neighbor had invited dd to her birthday party, and I wanted dd to invite the neighbor to hers (neighbor is one year younger than dd), but dd REALLY didn't want to, but I thought not inviting her would sour the next door relationship (between dd and the girl AND me and the mom, so it was a bit selfish on my part I admit). I ended up letting dd not invite her to her party with her friends, but then we did a backyard get together for neighbors and my bff and her family with a fire pit and s'mores and ice cream the following weekend. DD and neighbor girl had an additional issue a few days before that, and although the neighbor still came to the get together, it caused drama, she left early and took a few other neighbors inside with her and the made faces at dd from their window, and it led to my dd crying during her own bday celebration and further soured their relationship for a long time because it took dd a long time to get over that.

This taught me to try my best to not get involved and follow my kid's lead on what they want to do and trust them to do what they feel comfortable with and be good humans.

[thebreakfastclub]

Damn I'd invite whoever I wanted and not give this kid a second thought. I'm not here for my kid to be a doormat.

[jinkies]

Sept 25, 2023 16:56:58 GMT -5 tacokick said:

I would maybe invite either fewer or more girls from other classes but I can’t imagine insisting inviting a child who was mean to your daughter and who she doesn’t want to invite to her birthday party. If you can’t have people you like and who make you feel good at your birthday party then when? I would have rather not had a party at all.

Sometimes the consequence of talking about another person negatively (especially about their body/appearance) is that that person doesn’t want you at their birthday party and you get left out. It doesn’t sound from the reaction that it was a throw away comment that got taken out of context or anything like that.

I don’t think we do people any favors by teaching them they have to reach out and include people who are unkind to them in situations where their presence is in any way optional. She still sees her at school and is pleasant. I think that’s enough.

I support this post.

My kid turns 12 next month and actually recently had a very similar issue with her BFF where she made fun of both DD's weight and her learning disabilities.

They have since made up, but are no where near as close as they were before. And honestly, *I* have not forgiven the girl. I don't want DD to ever feel like she has to tolerate someone treating her like that for the sake of "making nice" or keeping the peace.

If she wanted to have a party without this girl I'd absolutely let her. I don't like the message it sends if I say she has to include someone who would treat her that way.

I stand by my earlier answer to find a way to have a smaller party so that this girl isn't the only one excluded. But I'd absolutely support your kid drawing boundaries and not invite the former BFF.

[thebreakfastclub]

I'd feel worse for whatever kid gets excluded to create an artifical sense of comfort for someone who was deliberately cruel to my kid.

[pittpurple]

My daughter is 10 and is on the young end for her class so it's mostly 11 year olds. The drama is nonstop and exhausting and I cannot keep up with who is friends with who and who is being mean to who - it just goes on and on. These are all children and they can be mean to each other - my daughter isn't entirely innocent all the time and she and her friends have massive fallings out and then get along fine the following week and then fall out again and on and on.

In this scenario I'd give my daughter 2 options - invite everyone or invite like 4/5 kids - or even 1/2 kids and do something super amazing. I wouldn't force her to invite someone who was mean to her but if this was a one-time thing it might even help to move on from it, particularly as it sounds like it's all getting blown up over and over again - I'd want to calm that down before it became too much more of a thing to follow them around for the whole school year. But I don't know what was said or the history here so I might just be too optimistic!

My daughter loves a sleepover party so tho she's friendly with all the girls in the class (11 of them), she only invites a few to her birthday parties (plus a boy she's good friends with) and no one falls out over it. She knows she won't be invited to everything either.

[momof2]

Sept 25, 2023 17:30:57 GMT -5 thebreakfastclub said:

Damn I'd invite whoever I wanted and not give this kid a second thought. I'm not here for my kid to be a doormat.

Me too!! I think we have completely jumped the shark when “not bullying” becomes “invite the big jerk or don’t invite perfectly nice friends.” At this moment, this kid is being a jerk in a way that they KNOW is not nice. They are 11 — not 5. And I get that next week these kids might be friends again, but geeze, let your kid invite who they want.

[maudefindlay]

Thank you everyone. Will discuss with DH and DD and will update later with how it turns out. I appreciate all your opinions, advice, and commiseration. Some of you put it into words exactly how I was feeling (frustrated and annoyed to be thinking about all this all because of a kid being mean).