Mean Girl Behavior- Adults

[waverly]

Friends with Mom A for about 10 years.  When Mom A is around Mom B she becomes a mean girl, and Mom B is one.

Mean girl behavior: Gossiping, bragging about kid's social events and their own, social shenanigans which I understand some because kids grown up and have other friends, but a bit excessive here.  I don't know how to define "excessive" but I know it when I see it.  

I have distanced myself in the last year due to this behavior in response.  I'm finding it hard to distance myself more because we are in the same club and have mutual friends.  For example, I plan to get together with other friends, and then they get invited.  I do have friends outside the club but not as big of a pool.  

We plan to quit this club next year.  The boys are still friends and we live close by so there is some carpooling involved.  I don't plan to confront Mom A because our lives are still intertwined with the club, mutual friends, boys are friends, carpooling etc.  I still plan to reach out to other friends. 

Any additional advice?  Just hope it gets better after we quit the club?  

[fn2187]

I was in the exact same situation. I realized being around that person (or persons) started to bring out the worst in me (I felt bitter, and would occasionally have snarky remarks). I started by removing us from carpool (luckily that was an option for me). I had realized my kid was getting an earful on the car rides and I didn’t want it to affect her self esteem. I then started declining social events, which honestly was hard since I’d miss some good people too. It’s a few years later now and I couldn’t be happier. I connected with other people and then reconnected with a few from that group, but the main culprit is mostly out of our lives. I feel SO at peace now. It’s hard when the kids communicate and I won’t stop DD from being friends with the kid, but I also stopped going out of my way to accommodate that kid. It was clear the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

Edit: I always had a script in the back of my mind in case the mom asked me what was going oh with my distancing. I would be honest and tell her that when we were together, it seemed to bring out the worst in me and that I don’t have a competitive nature. She never ended up asking. I get the rare text but I keep responses simple and to the point.

[waverly]

I think that Mom A just really wants to hang with Mom B and impress her, so I don't think she will ask we about distancing.

Luckily, no issues during carpool with getting earfuls. I prefer not to carpool with Mom A because she is controlling and likes things her way and was non committal last year. This year, I established a successful carpool with someone else and she is glomming on. I am allowing it because neither of us have anyone else to pick up, and she will reciprocate. But coordinating in general is tough with her which is why I moved to someone else.

I've stopped going out of my way to accommodate the kids. I used to watch them quite a bit because they would invite themselves over outside and were quite young. DS is still close to the one kid though, so I may still invite him over.

[jinkies]

I think that it's really natural for parent friend relationships to change as the kids get older. A lot of my early-stage parenting friends were of convenience (kids the same age so we would hang out during playdates) but once that stage was over we didn't retain the friendship bc there wasn't much else there.

It sounds like this may be one of those relationships for you. Regardless of the reason, it sounds like your friendship doesn't stand up outside of your kids/the club. I would just let it fade naturally. It doesn't need to be a big thing.

Are A and B ruining larger group activities with mutual friends? are you planning things without A and B, but the others assume the whole group is invited and extend the invitation to A and B?

I would think about which mutual friends you ARE interested in maintaining relationships with, and invite them to smaller things that are clearly not a "let's invite the whole group" situation. Like, invite one family to go out to dinner, or you magically only have 2 extra tickets to something and just invite Friends C and D who you enjoy.

[waverly]

jinkies, A and B are ruining larger group activities with mutual friends. Typically these are club events planned by someone else. One was an event with a very broad audience not just the club so it was like if anyone wants to go. I agreed to go because they had declined, and now they are going, of course.

I have started doing smaller events with the mutual friends I am interested in, so I will focus on that more often.

[noodleoo]

Oct 18, 2023 12:40:28 GMT -5 waverly said:

jinkies , A and B are ruining larger group activities with mutual friends. Typically these are club events planned by someone else. One was an event with a very broad audience not just the club so it was like if anyone wants to go. I agreed to go because they had declined, and now they are going, of course.

I have started doing smaller events with the mutual friends I am interested in, so I will focus on that more often.

This sounds like a big event.  Are they ruining events just for you or for everyone?  Can't you just avoid Mom A and Mom B?

ETA:  Also what is a club?  Is it a country club or like a sports team?  

[waverly]

noodleoo, I haven't asked anyone else about them. I don't want to talk bad about anyone.

My plan was to avoid them, but I ended up stuck with them instead, so my plan did not work. I had about 20 minutes before and after the event that I couldn't get out of unless I faked an illness or something. And then sometimes it just works out that way in terms of seating. But I definitely do try to avoid when possible, it's just not always possible.

[waverly]

Oct 18, 2023 12:47:14 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

Oct 18, 2023 12:40:28 GMT -5 waverly said:

jinkies , A and B are ruining larger group activities with mutual friends. Typically these are club events planned by someone else. One was an event with a very broad audience not just the club so it was like if anyone wants to go. I agreed to go because they had declined, and now they are going, of course.

I have started doing smaller events with the mutual friends I am interested in, so I will focus on that more often.

This sounds like a big event.  Are they ruining events just for you or for everyone?  Can't you just avoid Mom A and Mom B?

ETA:  Also what is a club?  Is it a country club or like a sports team?  

Social type club.  So it is easy to not go to things, but I don't want to avoid every event.  

[InBetweenDays]

There are several people in our larger social circle that I don't enjoy spending time with. I don't seek them out to spend time with them, but I sometimes end up seeing them more than I'd like just due to circumstances. I'm friendly with them when I see them but I'm not sure there is much more beyond that that I could or would want to do.

I'm sure there's more to the story but I don't know what the purpose would be of confronting them about them gossiping or bragging about their kids social events? (I know you said you aren't going to confront her, but it sounds like if your lives weren't intertwined you would).

[noodleoo]

Oct 18, 2023 12:58:07 GMT -5 waverly said:

Oct 18, 2023 12:47:14 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

This sounds like a big event.  Are they ruining events just for you or for everyone?  Can't you just avoid Mom A and Mom B?

ETA:  Also what is a club?  Is it a country club or like a sports team?  

Social type club.  So it is easy to not go to things, but I don't want to avoid every event.  

I have no idea what this means LOL.  I'm trying to figure out what type of event could be big enough to be open to a "broad audience, not just the club" but small enough that you can't get away from these 2 moms.  Can't you just say "hey I need to talk to Mom C over there, see you later!" or say a quick hi and then go sit with other friends?

I'm not following, but as others have said, I'd focus on becoming closer with other moms/parents and sort of fade or slowly transition to hanging out with them instead.  It may mean skipping the big group events for a while and focusing on smaller get togethers with the others instead for a bit.  It is ok if you don't click with them and want to prioritize new friends.

[erbear]

I do not know what a social club is. Sounds stressful.

I mean this in a helpful way, but you have got to stop caring so much what other people think. Your posts on here stress me out; I can't imagine how hard it is for you to feel like you are always having to navigate a social conflict for yourself or your kids. Can you try to get around to a relationship with Mom A that is just casual? You are friendly when you see her but don't go out of your way to be involved with her? Say hi when you're at common events and hang with other friends?

[waverly]

Oct 18, 2023 13:14:27 GMT -5 InBetweenDays said:

There are several people in our larger social circle that I don't enjoy spending time with. I don't seek them out to spend time with them, but I sometimes end up seeing them more than I'd like just due to circumstances. I'm friendly with them when I see them but I'm not sure there is much more beyond that that I could or would want to do.

I'm sure there's more to the story but I don't know what the purpose would be of confronting them about them gossiping or bragging about their kids social events? (I know you said you aren't going to confront her, but it sounds like if your lives weren't intertwined you would).

I still probably wouldn't confront anyone because I have decided that isn't worth it in friendships.  

[waverly]

erbear , I didn't used to be this anxious but between losing a couple of friends and the changing friend relationships around having kids and the pandemic it has gotten worse. I think most of the posts are regarding 2 people. One situation was resolved. This other one is lingering, and I hope this year is the last year.  I don't want to step wrong and affect DS's friendship because that has happened in the past.  We didn't step wrong, but several other kids were misbehaving and because we told the parents then the friends wouldn't come around anymore.  They got over it and are friends again, but I want to tread carefully.  

[jaycee]

My advice is cut them out sooner rather than later. I avoided breaking up with mean girl friends for literally years. When I did, I felt the most peace and so much happiness. I don't regret the decision for a minute.

[thebreakfastclub]

To be blunt, it feels like you're so fixated on friend stuff, your own and your kids. I do not fully understand the club, but if I wanted to be in the club, I'd stick with it and just chit chat with people that I liked. Honestly the cure for this it to just kind of let it go.

[waverly]

thebreakfastclub , I am a bit, but losing 2 friends has been a lot lately. I've really grown on how I have been handling it externally to them anyway (maybe not internally).  So you all have been helping me grow in this area.  

I'm learning how to move friends back to acquaintances and how to set boundaries in relationships.  I've never had a problem setting boundaries with family or DH, this is kind of the last frontier to master.  

[wildrice]

When you say you've lost two friends lately, did you have big blowups with them or just slow fades?

Honestly, at this age I've come to accept that friendships ebb and flow and sometimes just fade away and that that has to be ok. We are all busy and sometimes you just grow in different directions regarding interests or priorities and that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with either of you, you just aren't the right fit in each others' lives anymore. The fact that you've lost other friends lately doesn't mean you have to stick with the ones you still have, either. If the people in this club end up not being friends with you anymore because of these two mean girls, then they weren't important to begin with and you should focus your energy on other relationships.

Of course I have few close friends at this age so maybe I'm taking the wrong approach, lol. But I have too many other things going on to focus on people who don't enrich my life. The friends I do have and like very much I may only see every couple of months anyway, but people who stress me out I just don't continue pursuing at all. I would still be kind and friendly to them if I ran into them in pubic, but I wouldn't make any additional effort to make plans or whatever.

[waverly]

All slow fades but deliberate on their side. Rather than the ebb and flow of busy life. Actually it was 3 friends, and then they all came back! I never had that experience before of everyone trying to come back, so I was reaching out to see how to handle that.  I'm giving some of them extra grace because some was related to the pandemic.  

I've made decisions on how to handle the first 2 friends. And the third is the one I posted about here. Pretty sure she came back only because of the carpool.

[ECB]

My 70+ year old stepmother still deals with friend issues - it's crazy that this stuff NEVER ends!

That being said - I feel you. There is a small group of women (and families) in our neighborhood who do a fair amount of things together, and 4 of the women have become a little clique. They aren't overtly mean (for the most part), but 1 of them, and maybe a 2nd one- I do think they are manipulative and on a whole - the group can be very obtuse to how they treat other people (like me) compared to how they treat one another.  It's been very hurtful at times. 

It's taken time, and maybe you still need some more time to process, but over the past year or so, I've done a lot of what has been suggested here. I've pulled away from them, I'm focusing on building friendships with other women who I feel are more genuine, down to earth and inclusive.

To the degree I do spend time with them - I focus on my kid.  Even if its not a kid event - I just look at any socializing I do with these women as "for my son".  Because he really likes all their kids and I don't want to do anything that will throw a wrench into HIS life.  

It's hard, it sucks. And I'll reiterate - it's a process.  I've known a couple of these women for about 12 years now.  I used to think we were good friends.  And it's just been a slow process - from starting to realize that people are being petty, that games are being played, that people don't see me as good of a friend as I felt they were - etc.  THEN when some more negative things started to happen, it takes time to realize it, to process it, and then eventually to separate from it.

For a group of women who are in their 40s and 50s, it's sometimes shocking to me that they lack basic human graciousness. It's not hard to be nice, it's not hard - when with a large group - to make everyone feel welcome.  I'm tired of the pettiness and not feeling "uplifted" by these women (when they go over the top to uplift one another!).   

[waverly]

ECB, yeah I think there is definitely some similarities since it also involves 1 close neighbor and several farther neighbors. There definitely are some control issues, some major manipulation and obtuseness. Control being not wanting to carpool unless they control it, controlling playdate locations and attendees. Changing others' plans to suit themselves, but not being open to other suggestions. Manipulation being inviting others without telling anyone, posting memes about kindness and then hiding down a path to pretend you are not inviting someone else in front of me, excessive secrecy to make exclusion easier.

I was looking at my calendar, and it looks like at least one event will be a "suck it up for my daughter" type thing. Hoping to avoid the rest and just do the friendly hi, well got to go.

[lilac05]

ECB, One of my first adult-life lessons I learned right out of college: This never ends. My first post-college job was at a nursing home. There were 80+ year old mean girls, popular girls, nerdy girls, sporty girls, etc. It looks a little different, but it’s all the same. So.much.drama! (And the Independent/Assisted Living places can be even worse!)

I think it’s amplified when you have forced socialization (whether that’s social clubs, religious groups, or nursing homes). It’s harder to just let things fade and move on.

[minzy]

I would not confront this person - it’s not like she will take it well and suddenly change who she’s shown herself to be. I would do the slow fade, and move these people to acquaintance territory since it doesn’t really seem like they are “value added” for your life right now. At this age I really feel like none of us have time to play games with other adults.

As for carpool (we are in two), I tend to think of it as a business arrangement. One kid complains that another kid leaves school too slowly, one complains that a kid is annoying… it is significantly more convenient for the working parents to do it and it teaches the kids to compromise for a greater good (whether they realize it or not) so they have to deal. Of course if this lady’s carpool shenanigans aren’t at least partially useful to you, opt out.