Stopping kids bickering

[cricketwife]

Ugh. My two sons, 9 and 7 bicker and fight ALL THE TIME.  I feel like I have failed as a parent. I don’t understand why they are so horrible to one another.   I am constantly intervening but I don’t know what to do to stop it.  Any advice?  I also don’t know how to “punish” or make a logical consequence.  Like in the real world, the natural consequence of calling someone stupid, telling them to shut up, taking something from them, etc is that they exit your life. Not possible here (but also a concern that is what will happened when they are adults.) 😢

[Saudade]

My 3 (11,9,7) are ALWAYS doing this. If you find a solution, let me know.

[maudefindlay]

They are like this because they are kids and this is normal. The good thing is this usually doesn't translate to how they treat other/non related kids. Much like us parents get the brunt of "it" from the kids, so do siblings. It's like they go thru their days fine, but they have saved it up and are letting it out in their safe space, home. My 3 are older now at 11, 12, and 14, but when the bickering hit at your kids' ages I just separated them if taking to them once failed. Go to your rooms (mine have their own), but if yours don't put one in the kitchen and the other in the living room etc. If the fight was bad enough that they are really riled up then I'd forbid electronics in their rooms and they'd have to lay down with a book, read etc. That seemed to be the natural consequence for them. Then they'd reunite when ready.

[jobae1234]

I really think whether or not kids do this is down to how their personalities complement each other, and it’s nothing to do with the parents. One of my kids is the most disobedient kid I’ve ever met, but she gets along with her next youngest sister no problem. One is a strong leader and the other is a strong follower. Then the third came along and she’s also fairly headstrong, so for a while there we had arguments between a 16 year old and a 2 year old over whose turn it was to pick the next game.

Also my younger brother and I argued like crazy. We escalated into physical fighting on the regular. Nothing my mom did ever helped.

Sorry.

[Deleted]

I think most kids, if not all siblings, do this at least sometimes. We usually send the bickering kids both to their rooms to cool off and get a break from each other. Always both because it’s impossible to know exactly who did what to whom and if it’s not both then the accusations of one kid being the favorite and it’s annoying. Both in their rooms and I get a break from having to listen to them.

[waverly]

Our rule is that if they are fighting over something then it becomes the parents. But often they aren’t fighting over anything specific and it is more the name calling and taunting.

They fight and then play, fight and play in repeat. But lately they’d rather play switch together on Friday nights instead of seeing friends, so I guess the sibling relationship is going OK?

I intervene and tell them not to name call, I separate them, I also still put them in timeout. Sometimes I ignore it.

ETA- As they get older, I guess I am impressed because they started problem solving for fighting.  I said do you want to take the soccer ball, and they said no because they would fight over it.  Then they fought over the dog, but that was short lived. 

[dcn]

I try not to intervene too much, I try to have them work it out themselves. They either separate themselves or the younger one comes to tattle and then I have them separate. If they aren’t figuring it out and it’s just escalating I will intervene.

If they are fighting over a video game it goes off, I have zero tolerance for it, it drives me absolutely crazy.

I don’t think it has much to do with parenting. Siblings bicker. I have 3 sisters and we constantly were arguing. We get along fine now!

[shortstax]

Here for the replies, because I find myself yelling "SEPARATE!" 10 times a day.

[VillainV]

This is why I only have one. My kid often has spats with his friends when they’ve been spending too much time together, so I can’t imagine if he had a sibling. Though, maybe his conflict resolution skills would be better….

I think it’s normal. When my sister and I used to fight, my parents would mostly let us work it out ourselves, as long as we weren’t physically hurting each other (we didn’t tend toward physical fighting) or name-calling. General “she took my shirt!” “Well she took my scrunchies!!” mostly got ignored by my parents.

[nicolewi]

I’m not sure what to do, either. My two oldest, a girl, and then a boy, two years apart, always got along spectacularly. But my two youngest, both girls, two years apart, can either be the best buddies in the world or be absolutely horrible to each other. It’s frustrating.

[cricketwife]

Thanks for the replies.

[wanderingback]

This sounds very normal. And also as someone said above personality dependent.

As an only child I always found it interesting the bickering between siblings haha (even as an adult), but as an observer it seems very very normal and not the parents fault.

Assuming no one is getting physically harmed regularly then I think a combination of ignoring when it’s over silly things and reinforcing treating each other with kindness in general (dinner talks, bedtime talks, etc).

I do think it would be fine to have a punishment in certain instances but it needs to be made clear and consequences follow through. So for example if you have a repair person over and you need them to behave/stay out of the repair persons way and not yelling at each other. Then before the repair person comes over talk to them about appropriate behavior, if they do X, then the consequence is Z. But with normal everyday life I think it’s very normal.

[clairebear]

I have no idea how to stop kids from fighting. My girls are 5 and 7 and go from "we are the best sissies ever!" to "I hate you!" at least 28 times a day. I try to monitor them as I don't allow name calling or physically hurting each other. At that point I would separate and talk about kinds words we could use, hands are for helping, not hitting, we can hit a pillow or floor if we want to hit, etc. If it continues I make them play separately for a while. I see adult siblings that have no relationship and I really want to avoid that. I'm close with my only sibling and I want that for my girls. But who knows if what I'm doing would have any effect on future adult relationships?

You aren't alone! I can definitely commiserate.

[stemmie]

I can count on 3 fingers the families I know where the kids don't bicker.

In two of them, there a 2 sibs-- an older boy and a younger girl by about 2 years. I wondered if gender plays into it. it's almost like they enjoy a relationship without competition as each has a secure role in the family even when they don't adhere to stereotypes playing with the same toys, playing sports, kinds of chores at home.

In the other, the family had secondary infertility and adopted their second which took some time. These girls are 11 years apart and very close. The older doted on the younger as a pet and now the younger does the same with her sister's two young kids.

I know 3 families with a bunch of girls who are relatively close in age and one son. In each of those families, certain girls bicker between themselves but not with others. Nobody bickers with the only boy. In one family the oldest and next oldest two go at it, the next oldest and the baby do, but older and baby get along just fine.

[Poppy]

It's so frustrating. I get annoyed with my oldest in particular because he's otherwise such a kind kid (and my younger is at a disadvantage plus she's mostly mirroring him).

But yeah, I think it's totally natural. I mostly only intervene when it veers into meanness rather than snippiness/rudeness. We also have a few things we say on repeat: "it's better to be nice than to be right" and "we're all on the same team"/"team <last name>". I don't know how much those have really sunk in, and occasionally they use them as weapons against each other, but I do hope it will make a dent...

My sister's speech at my wedding was basically a long list of childhood grievances. Lol. But we're very close now! I try to not to stress about it too much.

[simpsongal]

+20 to this apparently. If I try to mediate it barely feels worth it. I keep hoping they'll grow out of it and learn more effective communication.

The people I manage and work with haven't gotten there...so who knows?

[krystee]

Mine are 8 and 6, and it’s nonstop. It’s the worst right after school when they’re hangry, so I send them to separate areas for a snack so they can at least be semi-human before they interact. I can’t even count how many times a day I tell them to go to separate rooms.

I remember fighting with my brother nonstop and we get along well now, so hopefully some day they’ll be able to coexist peacefully.

[Jalapeñomel]

In my nonscientific studies and anecdotal evidence, it seems the kids closest in ages seem to fight the most.

My brother and I are 2.5 years apart, and we fought nonstop. We have zero relationship now, but it's hard to tell if that's a product of fighting or not. lol

[bdubs419]

Hugs to you! My boys are 8 and 10 and I am losing my mind with them half the time. They used to be buddies when they were younger. They are into the same things/same sports and are super competitive which doesn’t help. Constantly breaking up fights/arguments. It’s 100% taking a toll on me.

[lynn07]

My 8yo and 12yo are like oil and water. It's the worst and it drives us (especially DH) crazy. The most frustrating part is you can tell they love being together, they seek each other out and will call to the other one to do things like play video games together, and then 9 times out of 10, they are arguing within 5 minutes! They each always have to try to have the last word. And they both get along really well with the 14yo, so it's just the 2 of them that are constantly bickering. No fixes for you, but I understand the frustration. What I keep telling myself is it will hopefully get better. My older sister and I argued a lot (same age difference as my middle and younger one), and by the time I was also a teenager, we became very close. So here's hoping.

[magpie]

I'm right there with you. DD (10) and DS (7) bicker constantly. I can see how they wind eachother up though. One can be extremely bossy and the other can be extremely annoying and they know exactly how to get under one another's skin. I try my best not to intervene too much, but I do step in occassionally and separate them/send them to their rooms to calm down and "think about how you could be kinder to eachother!" In our case, it is rarely physical and if it is, it's just a pinch or what they call a "punch" which is like a limp, slightly less than gentle push. While they do fight all the time, they also play all the time and are quite close...when they aren't trying to kill each other.

[meanie]

My kids, 8 and 10, are like this. They can go from being little angels to saying "you are the worst I wish I didn't have brother/sister" in the blink of an eye over literally nothing.

I just tell them to give each other space, but when we are trapped in a car together I pull over and tell them they can walk home if they don't stop - little shits called my bluff last weekend so I need a better threat!

[jorja]

I ignore it until it really ramps up and starts impacting whatever I’m doing. It rarely ever gets physical.

I generally make them go into separate rooms. It’s tough sometimes bc my two oldest share a room, but they both know they can be in our room anytime they need to get some space.

[sent]

Yes, my 9 and 5 year olds do this. It's usually the 9 year old trying to pull a fast one over her brother. Sometimes he is the instigator as well. I want to not care but the noise kills me so I have to intervene in an attempt to get the noise to stop.

[twilightmv]

My sons get along pretty well (11 and almost 10). I try to let them work out their issues on their own for the most part, but if things are getting very emotional or heated I will moderate. Usually advise both to take a breath, then ask each of them to say what they want/state their feelings to each other one at a time. Sometimes this solves it, sometimes I might ask some prompting questions to help them work it out ("do you see how that could have hurt X's feelings?", "Is there a compromise we can come to on this?", "do you want to keep talking about this, or is it ok to drop it for now?"), etc 

[bdubs419]

Hugs to you! My boys are 8 and 10 and I am losing my mind with them half the time. They used to be buddies when they were younger. They are into the same things/same sports and are super competitive which doesn’t help. Constantly breaking up fights/arguments. It’s 100% taking a toll on me.

[mae0111]

no advice, just commiseration. My kids (14 and 10) literally cannot be in the same room together. They don't get along AT ALL. It has gotten to a point where we don't go anywhere as a family because they fight in public. I can't stop at the grocery store unless one of them waits in the car. We used to go out to lunch together to a local chain now and again, or bowling, etc.... we don't do any of that anymore. Their bickering has ruined countless family weekends, beach outings, pool days, etc.

I've backed off trying to intervene, but they work hard to pull me in. If I physically leave, they text me or facetime me. Not DH, just me. Sunday evening, DH was away and I put myself to bed in my office at the opposite end of the house because they were fighting over who got to poop in the preferred bathroom. There were FOUR OTHER AVAILABLE BATHROOMS, but they both needed to be in one particular bathroom.

So we are at a point where we don't do anything, go anywhere, and they're not allowed to have friends over (because they fight in front of their friends). They had friends here almost every day over the summer... no one has been here since early Sept. They don't seem to care.

I'm close to cancelling trick or treating for them, which breaks my heart as I know that those days are numbered.

It's exhausting. I'm sorry you're going through it too.