Advice for handling a situationally shy 2 year old?

[klee23]

My youngest turned 2 earlier this month and is very quiet at daycare. She has gone there since she's been 3 months old- the rooms have a pretty narrow age span: she just moved from "toddler" (~15 mo/ walking well - 24 months) to "older toddler" where she'll be for about 9-12 months.

In her last room they joked that she would go all day without talking until nap time when she would chatter up a storm until she fell asleep (lights out, no one could see her).

In her new room she hasn't spoken a single word in front of her teachers yet. She is slow to warm up and play but doesn't cry there or get upset when I leave. She wouldn't drink milk or juice the first day the teacher went to find my 3 year old to make sure she liked it.

Contrast this to home- she is loud, outgoing, boisterous. Compared to her brothers she has the largest vocabulary and speaks the most clear at this age. She is equally outgoing with her grandparents.

During ToT she ran up to the housed, said trick or treat and thank you unprompted and laughed and interacted. We went to the circus last week with similar results- smiling, talking to workers, singing and dancing.

We mentioned this at her well check- MD asked vocab (last time I listed it was >40 words) and comprehension which is also good.

Any tips? Or just something not to worry about? She only goes two days a week but I want her to be comfortable and make her needs known- which right now is just thirst or snack choices but potty training and developing friendships aren't far away.

[jobae1234]

I think you should just let her be shy. Maybe she will grow out of it, maybe not, but let her be. Don’t push her to say hello or give hugs or “not be rude” when others talk to her and she doesn’t answer. Don’t push her to play with others if she’s not engaging with them. There can be a lot of accidental shaming of a shy kid which only makes it worse in the long run.

My daughter has friends but is often quiet or alone in group settings. It really triggers my own insecurities (being left out, nobody likes me, do I fit in, etc), but she’s happy as she is. I ask her if she had a good time and she says yes. It really used to bother me that she often sits alone on the bus, but she prefers it so she can sit with her imaginary friends.

[wanderingback]

I don’t think this is something to worry about since she’s meeting all of her developmental milestones.

[macmars45]

I wouldn't worry about it and just let her be.

[klee23]

Thanks- what was throwing me is that daycare is the only place she seems to clam up like this 🤷‍♀️ I'll just let her ride it out

[karinothing]

I know people say let it be but for my kid that was untreated anxiety and ADHD which progressively got worse and worse until a disaster in Elementary..not saying that is what is happening here but I would keep an eye on it for now..

Eta: not speaking at all can be selective mutism. It can be situational..

[thebreakfastclub]

Everyone almost always says let it be, wait it out. I think not speaking at all is unusual and if it persists, I'd get on a waiting list to talk to a specialist. It will be a long wait so if things change, then I'd cancel. I wouldn't put it on a pediatrician to rule things in or out during an office visit.

[konapoppy]

I agree to get on a waitlist for peace of mind. Also, some services are easier to get into before they are 3.

How many days has she actually been in the room if she only goes two days a week? Is she generally more of an afternoon/ night person?

[klee23]

Oct 29, 2023 20:03:14 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

I agree to get on a waitlist for peace of mind. Also, some services are easier to get into before they are 3.

How many days has she actually been in the room if she only goes two days a week? Is she generally more of an afternoon/ night person?

She's been in this room for only 2 weeks which = 4 days. At the end of the day they consolidate kids in the last hour or so as pick up starts so we've picked her up from this room for for at least a month before that but the teachers staffed in that room at pick up aren't the regulars.

She was rather quiet with her last room too (only talking at nap time when lights are off) where she was for about 9 months.

She is a morning owl so she is ready to roll by 7am.

In the other settings (ToT and the circus) maybe she felt safer with her brothers there too? And us?
Idk.

For those saying reach out to a specialist, what kind did you have in mind? Develop ped? Behavioral? Speech therapist? If it's the latter I'm in luck- I know am friends with more than a few (occupational perk!)

[konapoppy]

Oct 29, 2023 20:30:57 GMT -5 klee23 said:

Oct 29, 2023 20:03:14 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

I agree to get on a waitlist for peace of mind. Also, some services are easier to get into before they are 3.

How many days has she actually been in the room if she only goes two days a week? Is she generally more of an afternoon/ night person?

She's been in this room for only 2 weeks which = 4 days. At the end of the day they consolidate kids in the last hour or so as pick up starts so we've picked her up from this room for for at least a month before that but the teachers staffed in that room at pick up aren't the regulars.

She was rather quiet with her last room too (only talking at nap time when lights are off) where she was for about 9 months.

She is a morning owl so she is ready to roll by 7am.

In the other settings (ToT and the circus) maybe she felt safer with her brothers there too? And us?
Idk.

For those saying reach out to a specialist, what kind did you have in mind? Develop ped? Behavioral? Speech therapist? If it's the latter I'm in luck- I know am friends with more than a few (occupational perk!)

I would check out resources here - www.selectivemutism.org/

I would definitely ask your friends too! I am sure they have ideas as speech therapists.

You may also check with your local school district or state resources (for example, in California you could reach out to the regional center most likely for assessment at least).

Advocating for your child could make a big difference here. Or you might discover there is nothing to worry about! But in general, I believe there is some truth the mother’s instinct when things don’t quite seem right.

[loira]

This sounds a lot like my DD (now 7) at that age. Very slow to warm up to new situations and new people. Needed to observe everything for a long time before she'd open up and talk. At home, totally chatty and outgoing.

That being said, we did have to see a family therapist last year to help her with her selective mutism. She's got a certain amount of anxiety, and we've got a family history of ADHD so that's on my radar as well. So it doesn't hurt to get on a list for services early.

[loira]

Oct 29, 2023 20:30:57 GMT -5 klee23 said:

Oct 29, 2023 20:03:14 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

I agree to get on a waitlist for peace of mind. Also, some services are easier to get into before they are 3.

How many days has she actually been in the room if she only goes two days a week? Is she generally more of an afternoon/ night person?

She's been in this room for only 2 weeks which = 4 days. At the end of the day they consolidate kids in the last hour or so as pick up starts so we've picked her up from this room for for at least a month before that but the teachers staffed in that room at pick up aren't the regulars.

She was rather quiet with her last room too (only talking at nap time when lights are off) where she was for about 9 months.

She is a morning owl so she is ready to roll by 7am.

In the other settings (ToT and the circus) maybe she felt safer with her brothers there too? And us?

My DD was totally fine trick or treating last year as well, at the height of her selective mutism. I think it was because there's a script for it. Kid says trick or treat, gets candy, says thank you. My DD didn't have the same anxiety about whether she was saying the "right" things, whereas in school the topics and questions were open ended and there was a lot more anxiety around what she was saying, and around the reactions of her teacher and classmates.

[wanderingback]

Oct 29, 2023 20:30:57 GMT -5 klee23 said:

Oct 29, 2023 20:03:14 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

I agree to get on a waitlist for peace of mind. Also, some services are easier to get into before they are 3.

How many days has she actually been in the room if she only goes two days a week? Is she generally more of an afternoon/ night person?

She's been in this room for only 2 weeks which = 4 days. At the end of the day they consolidate kids in the last hour or so as pick up starts so we've picked her up from this room for for at least a month before that but the teachers staffed in that room at pick up aren't the regulars.

She was rather quiet with her last room too (only talking at nap time when lights are off) where she was for about 9 months.

She is a morning owl so she is ready to roll by 7am.

In the other settings (ToT and the circus) maybe she felt safer with her brothers there too? And us?
Idk.

For those saying reach out to a specialist, what kind did you have in mind? Develop ped? Behavioral? Speech therapist? If it's the latter I'm in luck- I know am friends with more than a few (occupational perk!)

I would start with the pediatrician to follow up that you have concerns so they’re in the loop. It sounded like she just started in the class so that’s why I said not to worry about it but if you’re worried about it then definitely bring it up again. You could definitely follow up with a child psychologist, developmental pediatrician or SLP.

[penguingrrl]

I’m going to just agree with others that you might want to have selective mutism on your radar. I found out long after the fact (years after) that my kid who has SM and autism literally didn’t speak for the first month of 1st grade and nobody told me until she was 12 and we were evaluating her for autism. The school chalked it up to shyness, but it was much deeper than that and had we known we would have treated it much earlier.

At home she was talkative, her language developed normally, she was fine with trick or treating and other activities. But around people she didn’t know well she couldn’t speak, she is now able to verbalize that it’s like a block in her that has always been there. SM at its heart is extreme social anxiety, so it’s often very situational and because of that it’s often missed.

It very well could just be shyness, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. I don’t think shy or introverted kids should be required to speak if they’re uncomfortable. I just would keep SM in mind as a possibility as there are treatments available that will make life easier for your child.

[klee23]

Thank you. I'll see if additional time makes a difference over the next few weeks/months and keep notes for her ped if necessary.

A lot of the SM site rings true for her, it's worth keeping an eye on.

[lilac05]

As an SLP, I almost always recommend looking into services as soon as something pings a parent's radar as being possibly not quite "right." It's really a win-win situation. If she is on track and just shy, you've got an answer and can feel more confident about it. If it's something else and she could use some additional support, you're on the track to getting that sooner rather than later. We don't know much for absolute certain in the therapy world, but we're as confident as could be that Early Intervention is critically important when it's indicated. Generally speaking, the earlier, the better.

And when they're under 3, SLP services are generally very reduced cost (or potentially free) depending on your state and your situation.

[waverly]

I agree with hitting early intervention if warranted. Things are easier before they become 3 and age out of EI.

[pittpurple]

My daughter also has selective mutism and didn't speak at school for months. She's almost 11 now and still can't speak in all situations - can't often order at a restaurant or speak to doctors, etc. It has gotten better but it's just part of the story for her - she has sensory challenges as well so there are specific times that things just in general are harder for her. The chaos and noise of lots of children in one place meant she has to use all her strength to deal with the noise influx and then just can't talk. In calmer / familiar / comfortable places she wouldn't stop talking.

[meanie]

Sounds like she is doing great and maybe there is just a lot going on in the daycare environment and she prefers to sit back. She must be absorbing a ton from taking it all in!