Elderly Care Check in Thread- Quarterly

[waverly]

The purpose of this thread is so we can check in with challenges, updates, and anything else on a regular or quarterly basis.

I know we've had several posters lose their fathers recently.  A few more are in assisted living.  Some are going through surgeries, and some still live at home.

Check in here, share your concerns and get support for the sandwich generation.  

[waverly]

First, my dad. I will be traveling to visit him over Thanksgiving. He has requested to see his brother. Both are in assisted living and are mentally incapacitated. Both have guardians, POA or conservators. They are an hour apart, so I think my sister and I are going to each pick one and drive them to meet somewhere in the middle. Should be interesting. The one, only wants us to take him shopping, demands things and then goes home. The other one recorded our conversation and then texted it to me as a "gotcha" but all we were doing was talking about the car. So, if I am picking up my dad, I think I will tell him hey this is a safe place but please don't record our conversations.

Second, my mom. Her cognition is definitely decreasing. Drinks at night to fall asleep, has Crohn's disease, is unable to handle stress. Needs counseling for stress. Social skills are declining. Still lives at home. Is 75, so I guess I will probably see a big decline on the way to 80, and I need to prepare myself for that.

MIL- despite having pituitary cancer, and various broken bones- seems to be doing the best out of everyone.

FIL- Still allowed to drive despite fainting due to low iron.  I am not quite there yet, but too much of a push one way or another and I will probably throw a huge fit about him still being allowed to drive thing unless they can get the iron under control, and they still aren't there yet.  

We will not bring up the kids visiting IL's because of the driving thing, and if they do say they want them next year, I think that might be when I say FIL can no longer drive the kids.

[k3am]

I posted about my mom in the Monday thread. Not going to bother repeating that.

DH's parents (FIL is in his 80's, MIL is late 70's) are also in decline, his dad more so than his mom. Mom wants to move to a retirement community in SoCal. SoCal has always been their dream. They have downsized their belongings (basically, Swedish death cleaning, even if they don't know the term), done some work on the house and... it's petered out. MIL has always been much more vivacious and social than FIL, but he has handled EVERYTHING. She doesn't drive. She doesn't do finances. Last time we went out to eat, he asked her to fill out the credit card slip since he was having difficulty seeing it, and she had no idea how to calculate a tip because he always handled it. So now she is in charge of trying to coordinate this move but has no idea what she's doing. I've told DH he and BIL will need to step in and help, but.. they both are hesitant for whatever reason. I just am trying to comfort myself with the fact that at least if they kick the bucket, the house is mostly in good shape, as opposed to my mom's.

FIL is still driving by the way. I refuse to ride in the car with him. He has slammed on the brake thinking it was the gas, he has enough neuropathy that in order to get into the car, he has to pick his leg up with his hands. It is terrifying. I have already submitted my mom to DMV to get her license revoked, I don't want to be the one who does it for him, but at this point, it's looking like I'll have to.

ETA: Ok. Correction. Typing that last paragraph pissed me off at myself. For the same reason I reported my mom to DMV, I just printed out the paperwork to mail in. I'll mail it from work and probably never mention it to DH. I know there is a problem - if something happens to him or someone else and I could have stopped it, I will feel terrible. If he, his brother, or his mom can't see or won't admit the problem, I will do the dirty work for them. And if his doctor and DMV feel that he's safe to drive, he'll continue to be allowed to drive. 

[waverly]

k3am, that is an idea, I could report FIL to the DMV. In that state, I know my mom wanted the doctor/ eye doctor to say something and they wouldn't and put it all on her. I think FIL is fainting on a rate of once every 3 months, so I feel like if they could get the iron under control there would be hope, so I am not sure the doctors would agree with me because they think it is under control but maybe instead of testing they need to just schedule iron infusion on a regular basis like every 6-8 weeks.

[186momx]

My dad had knee surgery a week ago. He is having a much easier recovery this time (2nd surgery on same knee). I think a lot has to do with them getting his pain under control in the hospital. First surgery the nerve block hadn't worn off until he got home and then he was in constant pain and the pain meds weren't touching it. This time no nerve block so his pain was 9/10 in the hospital, so he came home with an extensive pain management schedule. My mom is very anti-physical therapy. She flat out told me that I had to take him because she couldn't take time off to do it. I spat back that if he was home for 6 weeks, she had to deal with it because it wasn't fair to me or our clients to be constantly closing the office to drive him around. His first appointment is on the 15th at 8am and I think I might offer to take him. It will be a slow workday at the office and dad is mentally struggling being home with nothing to do. I spent 45 minutes on the phone with him today and this is a guy that hates talking on the phone. I can take him to PT then bring him to work for an hour or two and then close at noon and take him home. I think he might need it mentally/emotionally.

[mae0111]

My dad also had knee surgery recently- his second full knee replacement. This recovery seems to be going a lot more smoothly for him. I was worried - he is 76 (I thought he just turned 75 and I realized I did the math wrong 🙄) and has never done well under general anesthesia, but he’s been doing great!

My mom just called on her way to the ER with what she thinks is either appendicitis or a diverticulitis flair… then called back because the wait was too long so she was going home. My dad had to drive her and he’s still not really mobile and I’m really mad she didn’t just call me to come and get her, or call my BIL who lives 5 mins away and works from home (and he will be mad too). So now I will be on edge waiting to hear that her appendix burst because she was too stubborn to wait. She is 75 and otherwise I’m good health, but she is slowing down for sure.

My MIL is 76… ugh. I love her. We lost FIL very suddenly about 7 years ago They had been married for 49 years and were high school sweethearts. She has never recovered. She moved out of her house and into a garden home in a nice community with nice neighbors, near her sister and brother and my BIL and SIL and nephews… and she does not leave the house. Well, she goes to church every day and the grocery store once a week, but otherwise she sits at home, alone. BIL and SIL are there as much as they can be, but they are busy. She had breast cancer about 5 years ago and her carotid artery is like 75% blocked and she needs a hip replacement… and will not treat the last 2 things. It feels like she has given up and it makes me sad. She lives 5-6 hours away so we don’t see her much. I’d love for her to come out to our beach house and stay for like a month - she loves the area - but she won’t do it.

So I’m not really sure who I worry about the most.

[mustardseed2007]

My mom's car won't start. TG for small favors since she shouldn't be driving.

This weekend I helped my sister with part of cleaning out a room in my mom's house. My niece is painting another room. My sister and her daughter are planning on moving in with my mom which is fantastic.

My mom got a bunch of letters from humana gold, her medicare plan, that stated they would not longer be covering a bunch of her doctors so she's on the hunt for a replacement plan that her doctors will accept. She was all emotional about it because my dad used to handle their health insurance and basically had a retirement hustle of selling medicare plans. He definitely would have known what to do with that. I got her a name of someone who sells those plans but instead she and her sister found another gorup that helps with that kind of thing. Hopefully that works out.

Also she's working on getting her social security switched from getting her amount to getting my dad's amount since it's higher. It definitely is going to be a blow to not have both amounts coming in but my sister moving in should make up the shortfall hopefully.

[vasc]

I’m pretty much in charge of my 80-year-old blind aunt.

She’s fourth on a waiting list for an assisted living studio at a facility near my house (out of state for her). This will be a GIANT move for her as she has literally lived on the same country road in rural NY for her entire life. We talk about it on the phone multiple nights a week….YES they have activities, YES the meals are included, YES people will help you around.

Thankfully she’s focusing on slowly getting rid of things in her house (50 years of stuff!!). It’s giving her a sense of productivity.

[supertrooper1]

My dad is 80 and is still managing 80 acres of land and 15-20 head of beef. It keeps him busy which is good. His health is ok. He's recently had cataract surgery and shoulder surgery. He isn't very steady on his feet sometimes and I worry about him falling. I'm considering getting him a wheelchair in Hawaii next month, but I have a feeling he'll balk because he doesn't want to seem weak. My mom is 75 and is doing well. She still substitutes occasionally in the office at her local school and keeps up on the house and garden. She's very consistent with getting 10,000+ steps per day. They have talked about moving closer to town for 20+ years but have never followed through. I don't know if they ever will because I don't think they would like living in a city.

Beau's mom is almost 80 and still works part time at his brother's shop and his sister's office doing light bookkeeping. His brother pretty much lives with her and his sister does a lot with her, so Beau is hands off his mom's care. He would do anything for her but doesn't have to.

Beau's former MIL/Aunt that is 70 and her 92 year old mom, on the other hand, is someone that is expecting Beau to do everything for her, even though we're 4 hours away. Her 2 sons have written her off, she has a retired brother in our area and one in California that say they will help but have done nothing. The CA brother has called Beau with suggestions on how to move her to our area, not understanding Beau has exhausted all possible options. He's never been to our state despite his mom moving here 20 or 30 years ago. She doesn't have enough money to pay for rent in our area and is bringing home too much for assistance. A niece has been helping them out, but she now has access to the bank accounts which isn't good. She stole from the grandma years ago (70-100K) and Beau has warned his MIL and her mom, but they don't think she will do it again. The MIL hadn't been out of the house in years due to being morbidly obese, let alone driven anywhere, but apparently she has made trips to the grocery store on her own. Not sure how she made it down her porch steps since the last time I was there, she could barely walk to the bathroom. It's a mess and not only is Beau tired of her expectations, he's tired of spending his own money to help her out.

[madringal]

Well, my 82 year old father who is in heart failure, has COPD, and has had 2 bypass surgeries has decided now would be the ideal time to take in his wife's 16 year old great granddaughter.  She has spent the last 4 years in a juvenile detention center and is now about to be released. There is no other family willing to take her (including her own mother and grandmother) and his wife doesn't want her to go to foster care. The girl has had a rough life and I am very sympathetic to her plight, but she belongs in a foster home where there are people better equipped to help her.  This will literally kill my dad and he can't seem to be convinced otherwise. 

[mommyatty]

My 80 year old MIL is at our house every day. She picks DD up from school and brings her home, then comes back for dinner. She likes the time with DD, which is why she does the pickup. She’s super helpful for DH when I have to travel. I love her and I appreciate her and I’m very grateful she’s still in good physical and mental shape. But omg having her at my house every evening is a lot. Last night she stayed until 8:00 when I very loudly started asking DH if it was time to give DS his medicine SO WE COULD GET HIM READY FOR BED. FFS, lady, get out of my house. Tonight she was saying “oh as soon as we are finished with dinner, we need to watch election returns” and I almost lost my mind. Luckily she left around 7:00.

[librarychica]

Idk if my mother qualifies as elderly — she is 63 — but I am trying to gently convince her to consider medical marijuana for her chronic back pain. It affects her life severely, she cannot have back surgery because of the nature of the damage, she has paid thousands for injections that have not lasted more than a few weeks instead of the 18 months estimated. She is very hesitant and doesn’t consider herself “sick enough” but I am hoping she will open her mind to the idea. Last night when I was waiting at the airport H texted that she was having trouble walking again. It makes me so sad.

[mae0111]

librarychica, I'm having a similar issue with my dad. He has not slept for more than a few hours each night since he had his knee replaced a few weeks ago. I desperately want to give him one of the gummies that I use to sleep, but there is no way on earth he would actually do it. He doesn't drink for a lot of reasons and wouldn't even use the CBD cream I got him for his arthritic hands. I wish he would do it and get some relief...

[k3am]

We take possession of the memory care unit on 11/20. The goal is to move her in on 11/25. I am debating if it's helpful or not for me to fly down that weekend. Definitely not helpful for DH, DD has a LONG dress rehearsal practice for skating, so he'd have to coordinate getting help for that, since he's definitely not the hair/makeup type. Unclear if it would be helpful for my sisters or mental health - I am a badass at get stuff done/packed/organized and would be amazing there - but I am also a trigger for my mom and my presence sets her off. I suspect it's because they are 11 & 14 years older than me and see her frequently, and in what she remembers of me, I'm a floundering college kid, so how dare I try to help her with anything.

I've told middle sister to just pay someone to coordinate the move vs. trying to do it all herself. I think there's about a 15% chance of that happening.

[186momx]

k3am, can you ask your middle sister if they want you to fly down. Maybe moving weekend won't be the best weekend but another weekend to help clean out the house would be a better time. That way you can schedule it around skating/kids/work.