Do you know your core values?

[jlt19]

Inspired by my therapist’s homework for me. I did get a list of 60 “i deas” and the goal is to whittle it down to 6 and define what they mean to me.

I can do six “umbrellas” and put multiple under one. But I’m having a hard time deciding what a value is to me and not conflating them with my morals or how I SHOULD want to be.

Most of them, I can find a part of the 2 sentence explanation that I relate to, so I’m looking to see how others define their core values and what they mean to them, to help me understand them better.

And are these things you strive for? Or already are and like that you’re this way? Or you are and want to work on honing in on those and not worry that you aren’t the others?

Like, I’ve always wanted to be kind, caring, friendly, fun (some on the list). But am I? I wouldn’t say regularly so. I’m not a monster, but those are just not words I think would be on the top of the list to describe me. At least no one will kidnap me because I most definitely don’t “light up a room when I walk in it”.

I also don’t want to put in the work to completely change my personality because the point is to actually find who I am and be accepting of that, right?

[vasc]

I actually teach a lesson on this to fifth graders in tandem with teaching about peer pressure.

I tell them peer pressure might involve people pressuring you to do something harmful and against your values.

So if you value kindness and the Golden Rule, but people are pressuring you to be a bully and mean, that goes against your values.

Then the next lesson has to do with identifying their values. Most identify the Big 3 Fs as their values…family, friends, and faith.

I give examples such as “If you say you value family, but you go home and treat your parents and siblings rudely, are your actions aligning with your values?”

[jobae1234]

To answer your last question, you can’t change your entire personality but you can make some tweaks. For example if you value kindness but you don’t think you’re kind enough, you’re going to dislike yourself. So you can figure out in therapy what stops you from being kind in those moments where you could be but you aren’t (fear, mistrust, stress) and then find ways to act differently.

And most people’s values don’t actively work against their personalities. It’s more like stuff is getting in the way of being their real self. Because in the example above, some people don’t highly value kindness. They may value “directness” or “honesty” or “efficiency” or something, and that looks different.

[VillainV]

I joined the Air Force when I was pretty young (17 when I joined as a cadet), while I was still forming my own personal values. The Air Force Core Values are Integrity First, Service Before Self, and Excellence in All We Do. I guess I adopted those as the basis of my own personal value system.

For me, integrity (choosing to do the right thing when nobody is looking), remembering to put service to others ahead of my own interests, and always trying my hardest at everything, pretty much sums up the kind of person I want to be in this world.

I feel super-indoctrinated admitting this! I know it sounds weird to adopt organizational values as the basis of my own personal value system, but it works for me. Just about every value I think of falls under those three.

[minzy]

Also not to be all cheesetastic following an outside organization, but the Girl Scout Law hits a lot of values for me:
I will do my best to be honest and fair, friendly and helpful, considerate and caring, courageous and strong, and responsible for what I say and do, and to respect myself and others, respect authority, use resources wisely, make the world a better place, and be a sister to every Girl Scout.

Sometimes I boil it down to be kind, be grateful, go get it. I put that on a fundraising brick once instead of our names. Or simply, don’t be an asshole.

[meanie]

I would start with what do you value in others? What is important to you when considering a friend or partner?

My core values center around honesty and kindness. I struggle with jealousy and judgement (like it really bothers me to see someone doing well if I don't think they are "deserving" of their success).

[meanie]

minzy I LOVE the GS organization! The "leave it better than you found it" mantra still pops into my head often!

[gemini79]

I work with core values with clients in counseling. Sometimes I use the cards, but for identification of values I prefer a questionnaire. The one I use is the Values in Action survey. It's based on research by Chris Peterson and Martin Seligman.
The Positivity Project has a lot of information that answers a lot of your questions. It links to the VIA too.

posproject.org/character-strengths/#:~:text=Peterson%20explains%20in%20A%20Primer,their%20character%20strengths%20to%20move

[jlt19]

These are great examples, keep them coming! I like the idea of looking at the values of organizations I respect for ideas too.

It’s not that I’m unkind or an asshole, lol. I just think of some of my friends that are so kind and thoughtful and I’d love to be like them.

For instance, DD was going through some mental health stuff in the spring/summer. One sent her hot box cookies. Another, I had shared that we were redoing her room and she wanted plants. So she bought some hanging macrame holders and brought her good potted plants for her room. By good, I mean, she asked about the lighting, placement, etc.

These were easy, fairly inexpensive ways to be kind to MY daughter (whom they know and love, but still they’re my friends) and those are things I just never would have thought to do. Like, I’m just not that nice of a person or I’m too self centered to even think like that?

But I’d like to be that way. Maybe I can be someday without having an additional person in my house I’m taking care of? But I also don’t want to put extra pressure on myself to be something I’m not. If that makes any sense, lol

[Patsy Baloney]

Nov 18, 2023 8:30:32 GMT -5 minzy said:

Also not to be all cheesetastic following an outside organization, but the Girl Scout Law hits a lot of values for me:
I will do my best to be honest and fair, friendly and helpful, considerate and caring, courageous and strong, and responsible for what I say and do, and to respect myself and others, respect authority, use resources wisely, make the world a better place, and be a sister to every Girl Scout.

Sometimes I boil it down to be kind, be grateful, go get it. I put that on a fundraising brick once instead of our names. Or simply, don’t be an asshole.

I always wonder if my scouts notice how quietly I say, “respect authority” lol. As cheesy as it may be, the law is definitely how I want to live and be seen!

[shortstax]

Nov 18, 2023 8:50:41 GMT -5 Patsy Baloney said:

Nov 18, 2023 8:30:32 GMT -5 minzy said:

Also not to be all cheesetastic following an outside organization, but the Girl Scout Law hits a lot of values for me:
I will do my best to be honest and fair, friendly and helpful, considerate and caring, courageous and strong, and responsible for what I say and do, and to respect myself and others, respect authority, use resources wisely, make the world a better place, and be a sister to every Girl Scout.

Sometimes I boil it down to be kind, be grateful, go get it. I put that on a fundraising brick once instead of our names. Or simply, don’t be an asshole.

I always wonder if my scouts notice how quietly I say, “respect authority” lol. As cheesy as it may be, the law is definitely how I want to live and be seen!

Similarly, I always wonder if anyone around me in church hears that I go silent and don’t say “the holy Catholic Church” in the Apostles’ creed 🤣

I’d say my values are service to the greater good, curiosity, and playfulness.

[joy]

I think there is who you strive to be and who you are. They are two different things.

I think my corest of core values is: do the right thing.

I strive to do that as much as possible. I don’t reach 100%. But perfection is impossible.

Who do you want to be? What values do you most want to follow? Identify those and then make the changes you need to do that more often.

“Light up a room” is not …a value.

[gemini79]

Nov 18, 2023 8:49:57 GMT -5 jlt19 said:

These are great examples, keep them coming! I like the idea of looking at the values of organizations I respect for ideas too.

It’s not that I’m unkind or an asshole, lol. I just think of some of my friends that are so kind and thoughtful and I’d love to be like them.

For instance, DD was going through some mental health stuff in the spring/summer. One sent her hot box cookies. Another, I had shared that we were redoing her room and she wanted plants. So she bought some hanging macrame holders and brought her good potted plants for her room. By good, I mean, she asked about the lighting, placement, etc.

These were easy, fairly inexpensive ways to be kind to MY daughter (whom they know and love, but still they’re my friends) and those are things I just never would have thought to do. Like, I’m just not that nice of a person or I’m too self centered to even think like that?

But I’d like to be that way. Maybe I can be someday without having an additional person in my house I’m taking care of? But I also don’t want to put extra pressure on myself to be something I’m not. If that makes any sense, lol

Something interesting about identifying strengths that are based on core values is ot causes you to contemplate questions like this.


Honestly: kindness and generosity is a obviously a wonderful strength. But its not necessarily a VALUE that EVERYONE has a high priority. That doesn't mean they are mean, but like you are saying: in action. In everyday life, it doesn't come as naturally and a person might have to work for it.

I guess I'd ask myself: what strengths DO come so naturally, they fill you and others up? How do you enhance that? Bc its not going to take as much work to bring the strength you already have and value, rather than one you are meh about.



I'm a person who values beauty and excellence. I work in a field that fosters growth. I love it.


On the other hand, I don't forgive very easily. I truly. Used to want to be a forgiving person and society tells us that we should forgive. I spend more time fostering excellence than I do trying to be forgiving..bc that was an exercise in futility that only drained me.

[thebreakfastclub]

My work group took the Clifton Strengths Finder assessment a couple of years ago. The premise is, when you identify your top 5-10 strengths and leverage them, do them more, you'll be happier and more successful.

There's a strength they call woo - winning over others. Being thoughtful and respectful to others can be a value, I think.

But lighting up a room and making connections with others very easily is a strength we all have to different degrees. Clifton would say you are who you are and you can make some progress but don't spend a ton of effort there.

[mrsukyankee]

When I use values with my clients, I focus on what values would be helpful to focus on in the next few months (as what values we live can change over time). I don't ask them to pick out 6 core values just for that reason. I ask them to pick out the 6 most helpful ones for this season. I use this form (I ask them to ignore the first page to start with): thinkcbt.com/images/Downloads/GOALS-AND-VALUES-SMART-THINK-CBT-V-16.08.17.pdf

[arielroux]

My therapist had me do pretty much the same exercise when I started therapy and I found it to be really, REALLY difficult. Tbh, I ended up kind of phoning it in by the end because I just didn’t know. A lot of things were important to me, but at the same time, kind of not. If I’m being really honest with myself, I still don’t think I know what my core values are. Like, just be a decent person, treat people well, and don’t leave things worse than how you found them. Please don’t ask me to narrow it down or name it!

[isabel]

We use Gallup StrengthsFinders at work and I would say a lot of my top strengths resonate as core values for me.

Harmony
Consistency
Analytical
Responsibility
Relator

Those are my top five strengths and of those, I would call harmony, responsibility, and consistency core values for me. So maybe you could look at doing some of those personality assessments and see if anything comes out of those that resonates.

[7costanza]

I actually keep a list of my personal values in my work email draft folder and read them periodically to make sure I’m acting in line with them. I’m not always perfectly aligned with them but I try.

Essentially they are to be kind, empathetic and helpful, (meet people where they are, treat them how they would like to be treated and see the good in them), put my family above all else, act with integrity (do what I say I’m going to do), and be kind to the earth (don’t create excess garbage).

[Poppy]

I think of it as what will I care about at the end of my life? What do I find fulfilling when I achieve them?

Family
Community (several things fall under this umbrella for me, equity, justice, leaving things better than I found them, lifting up others)
Compassion (again, multiple under this umbrella)

There are other things that I strive for but as I get older I realize that some of those are externally driven.

[waverly]

Nov 18, 2023 8:49:57 GMT -5 jlt19 said:

These are great examples, keep them coming! I like the idea of looking at the values of organizations I respect for ideas too.

It’s not that I’m unkind or an asshole, lol. I just think of some of my friends that are so kind and thoughtful and I’d love to be like them.

For instance, DD was going through some mental health stuff in the spring/summer. One sent her hot box cookies. Another, I had shared that we were redoing her room and she wanted plants. So she bought some hanging macrame holders and brought her good potted plants for her room. By good, I mean, she asked about the lighting, placement, etc.

These were easy, fairly inexpensive ways to be kind to MY daughter (whom they know and love, but still they’re my friends) and those are things I just never would have thought to do. Like, I’m just not that nice of a person or I’m too self centered to even think like that?

But I’d like to be that way. Maybe I can be someday without having an additional person in my house I’m taking care of? But I also don’t want to put extra pressure on myself to be something I’m not. If that makes any sense, lol

I think that is something you learn like wow this person is a really great friend I should emulate some of that. But also gifts are not my love language so I’m probably never going to buy plants and holders for someone because I’m just not a gift person. I don’t care to receive them either really because I just see them as work. I see that less of a value and more of a knowing yourself / 5 love languages type thing.

If we are specifically talking about friendship values I follow a blogger that says being positive, consistent and vulnerable (open?) are the key to good friendship. And she kind of details how to move through ebbs and flows. So I think those are good friendship values and knowing how to increase and decrease those as the situation warrants.

I wouldn’t say those are my personal values but in friendships I can say oh hey I need to infuse some positivity here when my friend annoys me about carpool for the 5th time and my responses are becoming terse.

[livinitup]

“… because the point is to actually find who I am and be accepting of that, right?“

Yes. That is the whole point.

It’s also worth adding 2 things -
1) accept it AND celebrate it, bc you are worth celebrating
2) explore it - for example ‘kindness’ does not have to mean beaming joy from your eyeballs like your aunt Dolly. You are not aunt Dolly. ‘Kindness’ can mean kindness in many forms, shapes, times, ways. Explore how you are kind and express it. Kindness can look tough sometimes, right?

[wildrice]

I don't think values are necessary something you always do well. I think of them more as a touchstone to return to when making decisions or evaluating the world around you. So you can value kindness, even if you aren't as kind as you want to be. If you have identified that as something that is important to you, you know to strive for it when deciding how to behave.

The organization where I work has 6 core values that I find align very well with my own: balance, justice, dignity, authenticity, hope, and passion. Wrapped into these are my values of fighting for an equitable world that treats people with kindness and dignity, regardless of who they are or what they have done or not done. I value respect for others and thus always try to take a measured approach to my judgement of situations. I value quality time with loved ones, broadening my knowledge, and generosity. I do not always act in accordance with my values, but I try to because they are ultimately both who I am and who I want to be. I don't think this requires a personality change - just some being deliberate about what I do or support.

[Gato]

I really try to live by my core values, although of course I often come up short. They were formed by my parents, who I’ve always thought were pretty awesome, my church growing up, which taught that everyone has value and deserves kindness, and my life moving around a lot, mostly attached to universities and nonprofits.

Simplicity—live in a way that values time over money; don’t use more of the earth’s resources than necessary

Knowledge—be a lifelong learner; try to understand other people, especially those not like me; avoid falling for simplistic answers

Community—show love to my family every day; build a solid friend group; be a concerned and active citizen

Life experience—you only get this short time alive; take risks, live in the present, and live in gratitude.

[BicycleBride]

Nov 18, 2023 9:12:32 GMT -5 shortstax said:

Nov 18, 2023 8:50:41 GMT -5 Patsy Baloney said:

I always wonder if my scouts notice how quietly I say, “respect authority” lol. As cheesy as it may be, the law is definitely how I want to live and be seen!

Similarly, I always wonder if anyone around me in church hears that I go silent and don’t say “the holy Catholic Church” in the Apostles’ creed 🤣

I’d say my values are service to the greater good, curiosity, and playfulness.

Nerd side note. The Apostles’ Creed actually says “the holy catholic church” with lower case Cs. With lower case c catholic means universal and not a reference to the Roman Catholic Church.

[Stan]

Nov 18, 2023 8:08:23 GMT -5 VillainV said:

I joined the Air Force when I was pretty young (17 when I joined as a cadet), while I was still forming my own personal values. The Air Force Core Values are Integrity First, Service Before Self, and Excellence in All We Do. I guess I adopted those as the basis of my own personal value system.

For me, integrity (choosing to do the right thing when nobody is looking), remembering to put service to others ahead of my own interests, and always trying my hardest at everything, pretty much sums up the kind of person I want to be in this world.

I feel super-indoctrinated admitting this! I know it sounds weird to adopt organizational values as the basis of my own personal value system, but it works for me. Just about every value I think of falls under those three.

In this same vein, and don’t feel bad Villain, I joined at 27, the Army Values are truly something I try and live by. Ours are loyalty, duty, respect, selfless service, honor, integrity, and personal courage. In Basic we were supposed to pick one that was our big one and I picked integrity. That is still my number one but I’ve also had to have a lot of personal courage in the last decade.

[sillygoosegirl]

There's plenty to be said for discovering who you really are and being accepting of that, I'm sure. But there's also a lot to be said for figuring out who you WANT to be and what's standing in your way of accomplishing that. I think there's a lot of things we feel compelled to value or do or treat like we value, that we maybe actually don't. Different things for different people, presumably. And that doesn't leave us the time/mental space/energy/money/etc for the things we really truly do value.

I'd think the goal shouldn't necessarily be to change who you are, or to accept who you are without change, but to be your most authentic self. Which likely involves some acceptance of aspects of yourself that already are in line with your values (but maybe not so much in alignment with how you think you should be for some other reason), but also changing yourself as you cut out things you honestly don't really value that highly in your life to make room for things you do.