Explaining limiting shooting games

[isabel]

If you’ve had success getting your kid to understand why you won’t let them play shooting games, what explanation did you use?

DS1 is 8. He wants to play Fortnite. DH and I are opposed. I’m not ok with him playing games that involve guns. He knows this. Last night, we caught him playing a game called Gun Arsenal on Roblox. It was rated “everyone,” so he was able to access it. In the game, you choose from several different styles of weapon. He’s lost tablet privileges for the time being.

We’ve explained why we’re opposed to guns and why we don’t want him exposed to them. That guns cause a lot of damage in the hands of people who don’t properly educate themselves and that we don’t feel it’s appropriate at his age to be exposed to weapons that kill people, even in video games. He’s also big on having more freedom right now and I explained that playing the Roblox game when he knows he’s not supposed to play shooting games makes me feel like I can’t trust him with the freedom he wants.

He’s understandably upset, but I also feel like I am not clearly articulating why he can’t play this stuff. And, honestly, part of it is that I can’t really explain it myself. I simply don’t want my 8 year old playing games where he shoots people. Period.

So if you’ve successfully dealt with this, give me advice.

[maudefindlay]

I think this is such a tough topic and no one talk will "fix it". I think it's got to be an ongoing discussion and that the more he understands the less he might want it. So basically this will take time, he's young. I know some shield their kids from the news, we do not. We discuss school shootings etc with our kids. If we don't they will hear it at school/from friends and we want them to hear it accurately.

[thebreakfastclub]

I think age 8 is too young for Fortnite anyway. I let my son play at age 10, he plays with his dad. I also let him play Nerf, which some people are also against.

[VillainV]

I explain it not in terms of guns, but in terms of violence. He’s not allowed to play violent video games, no matter what the weapon is. Obviously that includes guns, but also includes all violence.

[quesyrah]

My kids are 10 and 13. We don’t allow first person shooter games or games with realistic violence. Period.

We’ve just explained over the years that guns are bad and we don’t allow gun play. When they were younger it was “in our house we don’t play games with guns or violence. Sometimes mom and dad make rules you may not always understand, but this is not up for discussion.”

As they’ve gotten older we’ve gone into deeper conversations about guns and video games and their impact on people.

[felicity]

I don't think you need to try and explain it more. You're probably not going to get an 8 year old to agree or really understand why they shouldn't play those kinds of games. DS is 9 and I just say things like I'm not comfortable with with that kind of shooting game and I don't think it's appropriate at his age. I don't let him play Roblox because I don't want to police it. We don't allow Fortnight yet either.

[Jalapeñomel]

It’s hard.

We’ve talked about the danger of guns for his whole life—-we’ve never allowed Nerf guns or water guns/ etc, and we have told him explicitly that normalizing guns is not something we will do.

We’ve also had discussions about other households and their rules are different, but this is one rule we will hold fast.

We absolutely won’t allow Fortnite (but TBF he has never asked…he’s generally a rule follower though). He says there are shooting games on Roblox, but he doesn’t play them (I monitor what he plays).

[waverly]

We started with the switch and advocated for multiplayer games like Mario Cart. We did not allow the switch access to the internet so Fortnight was not allowed. We got the switch probably when DS was 10. When he was 12 was when we finally allowed internet based games which mostly is Fortnight. He never did Roblox.

The kids didn’t have unlimited access to tablets. They were password protected and we would have to enter the password. Theoretically then that meant they were pretty locked down. We were in the same room and had time limits.

But we did have an incident where DS guessed the password. Video games have an addictive quality so I think my point is to lock down the tablet more or take away Roblox or whatever you need to do to limit access to games. You can always give more access later but 8 is pretty young anyway. I would go more with a blanket statement of we don’t do those kind of games in our family. Asking an impulsive 8 year old to regulate may be difficult so I feel like it’s easier for the parents to regulate it.

[wanderingback]

I think your explanations are great and you should just keep reiterating that games with violence and guns are a no go in your house. As he gets older you can expand on the conversation in age appropriate ways but it sounds like you’re doing great now.

[VillainV]

Nov 26, 2023 15:51:27 GMT -5 waverly said:

We started with the switch and advocated for multiplayer games like Mario Cart. We did not allow the switch access to the internet so Fortnight was not allowed. We got the switch probably when DS was 10. When he was 12 was when we finally allowed internet based games which mostly is Fortnight. He never did Roblox.

The kids didn’t have unlimited access to tablets. They were password protected and we would have to enter the password. Theoretically then that meant they were pretty locked down. We were in the same room and had time limits.

But we did have an incident where DS guessed the password. Video games have an addictive quality so I think my point is to lock down the tablet more or take away Roblox or whatever you need to do to limit access to games. You can always give more access later but 8 is pretty young anyway. I would go more with a blanket statement of we don’t do those kind of games in our family. Asking an impulsive 8 year old to regulate may be difficult so I feel like it’s easier for the parents to regulate it.

Also, if your kid can do any kind of video chatting on their tablet (FaceTime, etc), they can have a friend playing Fortnite and share their screen. So they’re not technically “playing” it but they still get to see all of the content…

[erbear]

No real advice. We just said we don’t allow first person shooter games because pretending to shoot people, even in a game, dehumanizes human life and we’re not on board with that. You could get some traction that way (talking about how dehumanizing affects the brain) but 8 is probably a bit young to understand that perspective (and is also too young for Fortnite, imo)

[icedcoffee]

It’s so hard. We did laser tag this weekend with my 7 and 4 year old. The first thing I said when we got in the car was that while it was fun, it was fake and that the kids are not to play pretend guns or touch pretend or real guns or shooters without mommy or daddy giving them permission. It’s so hard. I hate the idea of fake guns but laser tag was so fun!

[UMaineTeach]

I think you have done well explaining your position with a continuing conversation and your kid tested the limits of your willingness to allow video games with guns. And you reacted with the natural consequences of loss of privileges and a lecture about trust.

I think the problem here is that he pushed a limit on one of your BIG NO items and that makes you worried more than if he tested limits on a small no item.

But I don’t think he deliberately went for a big no item. It’s ok, you got this and he is learning.

[momof2]

You need to let go of the idea that you can get him to understand and agree with you. At a certain point, “because I said so and I’m the parent” is where this lands.

[sdlaura]

We recently let 11 year old DD and almost 10 year old DS1 start playing Fortnite. I don’t love the guns but they play with their cousins who live on the other side of the country and we like the interaction with them.

I agree with the PP who said I wouldn’t be super concerned with whether or not your child understands the reasoning. It’s just your family’s rule.

[ny96]

I also frame it as our family’s rule, I don’t allow Roblox because I can’t police the games he’s playing, and absolutely no Fortnite. My new problem is that DS came home from a friend’s birthday party yesterday with a play machine gun that the friend had given to him. I told him it wasn’t coming home, but the other parents insisted on giving it to him. I think I’m going to pay him for it and then throw it in the trash.

[wanderingback]

Nov 26, 2023 22:02:34 GMT -5 ny96 said:

I also frame it as our family’s rule, I don’t allow Roblox because I can’t police the games he’s playing, and absolutely no Fortnite. My new problem is that DS came home from a friend’s birthday party yesterday with a play machine gun that the friend had given to him. I told him it wasn’t coming home, but the other parents insisted on giving it to him. I think I’m going to pay him for it and then throw it in the trash.

Why would you have to pay your kid for a toy that you don’t allow in your house?

[Poppy]

We've had the same types of talks about why I don't like guns or violence. He knows that any gun-related play or weapon as part of a Halloween costume, etc is not allowed at school. He genuinely seems to understand.

Buuut, he also just got a Nerf Minecraft thing for his bday and he is obsessed. Although it is shaped like a dragon, he has to load it and cock it and fire it like a gun. He loves it. Uggghhhh.

I do not allow Fortnite or other FPSs, and restrict violent games. But I also personally love laser tag and so does he - it's a tough line to draw sometimes. I often reiterate that I don't like X or Y because it's too violent. And when we do play laser tag, I talk with him about my ambivalence.

My son knows my deal breakers with regard to video games - chatting with strangers and playing unapproved games. He runs it by me before playing any Minecraft Marketplace content. I would definitely be giving a consequence for the sneaking and I would be locking things down more. And he would not be surprised because I've been extremely clear about that.

[pittpurple]

I think it's just really simple - it's a no. It kind of doesn't matter what your reasoning is, you're the parent and it's just that simple sometimes. But you'll need to be willing to police it and to check on it - and it's likely he'll be playing all these things at friends' houses and then want it even more so since it's something you feel super strongly about you'll likely have to lock down the tablet / not let him play on it when you aren't there/ etc.

[isabel]

Thanks, guys. This makes me feel better.

He’s doing ok with it after the initial blow up. I think it helps that he had a friend over yesterday who isn’t allowed to play stuff like that either. He said “but X and Y are allowed to play,” and I said “yes, and you have a whole lot more friends who aren’t.”

We’ll continue the discussion.

For the time being, tablet access is going to be incredibly limited. I’ve never had any interest in policing his video games, which is why I was so reluctant on Roblox. The Switch is fine because it’s locked down so he can’t chat and he doesn’t have any chat or video apps on his tablet, but I’m disappointed in him playing the Roblox game and we’ll have to discuss the limitations of where he can play until he shows me I can trust him with it.

[niq]

At V's school the teachers talk about "dessert" books (graphic novels way below your reading level, reading something you've already read 3 or more times, etc.) and they don't count them towards some reading goals. At home we've extended this to "junk food" for books/TV/video games and you can say that the way you're going to deal with "junk food" media is by not having it in the house.

For whatever it's worth, we get some behavior from V (10) that can arguably be linked to YouTube or playing Among Us, but the teachers report none of it at school. By 4th or 5th grade they start to figure out in what contexts they can and can't do certain things.

[VillainV]

Nov 27, 2023 0:12:24 GMT -5 Poppy said:

We've had the same types of talks about why I don't like guns or violence. He knows that any gun-related play or weapon as part of a Halloween costume, etc is not allowed at school. He genuinely seems to understand.

Buuut, he also just got a Nerf Minecraft thing for his bday and he is obsessed. Although it is shaped like a dragon, he has to load it and cock it and fire it like a gun. He loves it. Uggghhhh.

I do not allow Fortnite or other FPSs, and restrict violent games. But I also personally love laser tag and so does he - it's a tough line to draw sometimes. I often reiterate that I don't like X or Y because it's too violent. And when we do play laser tag, I talk with him about my ambivalence.

My son knows my deal breakers with regard to video games - chatting with strangers and playing unapproved games. He runs it by me before playing any Minecraft Marketplace content. I would definitely be giving a consequence for the sneaking and I would be locking things down more. And he would not be surprised because I've been extremely clear about that.

FWIW, we are anti-violence and allow Nerf blasters, with firm safety rules (no aiming for the head, no aiming at anyone/anything who isn’t a willing participant) and try to infuse general safety like aiming (muzzle) discipline, finger off the “button” (trigger)etc. We don’t call them guns or use gun terms, we just use general terms for everything. We haven’t done laser tag or paintball because I absolutely can’t stand it, but I think I’d be okay with it if a friend invited him.

[scm1011]

Nov 27, 2023 7:02:39 GMT -5 pittpurple said:

I think it's just really simple - it's a no. It kind of doesn't matter what your reasoning is, you're the parent and it's just that simple sometimes. But you'll need to be willing to police it and to check on it - and it's likely he'll be playing all these things at friends' houses and then want it even more so since it's something you feel super strongly about you'll likely have to lock down the tablet / not let him play on it when you aren't there/ etc.

I’m here. I’ve also had really frank conversations with my 7 year old about guns. That they kill people, including kids, so why does he think that’s a fun way to play? We also don’t allow video games of any kind at this point and the reasoning is basically because that’s the rule in our house. Sorry not sorry.

[heygrey]

We are an absolute no gun game family, too. I have been very direct with DS (9) that in real life guns are for killing, period. They don't have another intended purpose. Playing games where we can kill and respawn with basically no consequences teaches our brain that guns aren't really a big deal.

DS hasn't pushed that boundary (yet), but the game options in our house are so locked down he'd have a hard time sneaking it.

[isabel]

Nov 27, 2023 20:37:42 GMT -5 heygrey said:

We are an absolute no gun game family, too. I have been very direct with DS (9) that in real life guns are for killing, period. They don't have another intended purpose. Playing games where we can kill and respawn with basically no consequences teaches our brain that guns aren't really a big deal.

DS hasn't pushed that boundary (yet), but the game options in our house are so locked down he'd have a hard time sneaking it.

Oh, this is excellent language. I'm going to use this.

We got into a conversation about war tonight and I explained the conflict between Israel and Hamas. He's aware of the Russia-Ukraine war too. I planned to bring it back up tonight to tie the war conversation back to the video game thing and this is a great way of articulating why I don't like the idea of even playing pretend with guns.

[ellipses84]

I don’t know that I can explain any better than you have. Maybe just that different houses have different rules. We grew up in a house where we weren’t allowed to have toy guns but now that my sisters and I have so many boys, we allow nerf guns and battle (with rules like don’t shoot people unless they are playing and no shooting people at close range or in the face). I don’t allow any shooting video games.

My battle is Roblox. I won’t let my 7 year old have it, because it’s user content created which means it’s easy for kids to run across inappropriate games, like you discovered. He always asks for it or tries to negotiate deals for it. His friends have it and they play make believe Roblox on the playground. No judgement to anyone who does - I’m personally too lax with him and YouTube and tell him he has to watch it in a common area and if he hears any inappropriate language he has to change it, but then he tries to be secretive about it (and I know he’s usually watching harmless gaming videos for games he owns).

[meanie]

My mom raised me this way and we are attempting to do the same with our kids. I tell them that we don't play with guns, even pretend - they know it by now since I have said it a million times. They can say they have a "zapper" or something, and no killing/shooting games are allowed.

DS is also 8 and asked for Fortnite for Christmas this year, we told him no (for this and other reasons). We have plenty of other gaming options.

My H is from NH and grew up around hunting and approaches it from a different viewpoint - that it is safer to learn proper handling of guns and gun safety instead of just a no-guns blanket rule. He also doesn't want our kids playing pretend games that have guns, but not from a fear based viewpoint.

I would just keep the reason simple - guns are not toys.

[gerberdaisy]

While its a few weeks old, this is pretty timely as my kids are starting to get into video games. It was only in the last month they discovered Roblox and now are asking about Fortnite. While regular Fortnite is a hard no, they (with me watching to see what it was about) starting playing Lego Fortnite last week. There a way to play where its just building, not enemies and has been pretty fun. We last lots of discussions around why we don't play regular fortnite and other games like it too.

Thanks for some of these tips on here about what to say, it was really helpful!

[meanie]

Dec 13, 2023 10:33:57 GMT -5 gerberdaisy said:

While its a few weeks old, this is pretty timely as my kids are starting to get into video games. It was only in the last month they discovered Roblox and now are asking about Fortnite. While regular Fortnite is a hard no, they (with me watching to see what it was about) starting playing Lego Fortnite last week. There a way to play where its just building, not enemies and has been pretty fun. We last lots of discussions around why we don't play regular fortnite and other games like it too.

Thanks for some of these tips on here about what to say, it was really helpful!

Be careful with Roblox if they play on anything connected to your Google or other accounts. We were had tons of charges that were made through the app and our kids (supposedly) didn't realize they were buying anything.