Post by litskispeciality on Dec 7, 2023 9:48:41 GMT -5
The balance between independence and what needs to be done is soooo hard. We're trying really hard to keep my dad independent in a senior community for a little longer, but he's not doing his part. He won't go to meals...which is why we moved him in to this expensive place, to make sure he's eating. He won't go to activities, he physically won't move. If we ask, beg, recommend he goes down to meals, he won't do it. He has frozen meals in his freezer and a microwave, but he doesn't eat. It's exhausting trying to make sure he eats without babysitting him. I also don't have time to do it every day.
Also highly recommend PT. My dad has had a lot of in-home PT so we didn't have to drive him anywhere. He did well with it when he was better mentally. The falls are a big risk, so it's better to get ahead of it. The best part for us too is that Neurology will write a prescription for PT without a visit, it's just getting insurance to approve it...which is a whole other nightmare as they only cover so many sessions a year.
ETA: Regarding rides, I thought someone recommended a company that helps arrange ride shares for seniors...can someone link to that again? Sending my dad in an Uber to an easy (say bloodwork) apt was a huge timesaver. Unfortunately he's such a risk now he needs a ride to every.single.thing. and man does he complain about it.
shauni27 , my mom has a lot of mobility issues too so I commiserate. She keeps trying to find a reason its not her fault ("it must be my heart!", "it must be my lungs!") when in reality every specialist says what my sister and I know to be true, its really due to her complete inactivity and poor diet. She refuses to go to PT, which her doctors say will help. She is the oldest 76 year old I know.
I dread how things will go when her health declines further. She was not a great mom and I have a lot of feelings about it not being "fair" that I'm going to have to shoulder the burden of caring for in old age when she didn't care for me well in childhood. My sister feels the same way (but without the guilt) and refuses to be involved. My mother also has very little savings and is a renter. She relies mostly on her SS, so there is no money to throw at the problem. It all keeps me up at night.
Dealing with my MIL after FIL is gone has been my nightmare for years and also keeps me up at night. I know it is coming and I am dreading it. I think you know there is a lot of baggage between us and I resent the situation. H has 2 siblings but they both live far away and are the most selfish people I know, so I don't envision them being any help. As it is they guilt trip H about why he doesn't do more (which is bullshit). My other issue is that H can't say no to his parents and is conditioned as the oldest male in his family that they are his responsibility anyway (siblings reinforce this as it lets them off the hook). And he has a history of basically ignoring me and the kids for his parents which doesn't sit well with me either.
I probably should line up a therapist for myself because I don't envision handling it well.
noodleoo,scm1011, I am also dealing with caring for my mom who was very emotional abusive to me growing up. Therapy really does help so I recommend it.
scm1011, have you looked at your county's aging and disabilities resource center (ADRC)? In the beginning of my journey there were very helpful in sharing and setting up resources for my mom when she lived 2 hours away from me. Meals on Wheels, for example She qualified even though she had a significant amount of savings at the time. They also have volunteer housekeeping and such. At the time, I needed someone to check in on her and make sure she was eating, but it sped up to having to move her closer to me, but I know the resources were bountiful. Maybe worth checking.
Hearing about many siblings checking out and not helping is a hot button topic for me. I'm dealing with this with my brother and it has caused a riff in our relationship. Again...thank you to my dear therapist.
silva , great idea about checking in with county resources - I will do that. And I've had many years of therapy, which has helped, but I still have nagging guilt about helping her because if I don't no one else will. I do not blame my sister for checking out - she is setting boundaries that work for her. I grew up in an abusive household, mainly my dad, but I've made amends with him. He's owned his actions and is nothing but a loving and supportive dad/grandpa at this point. He causes me zero grief or stress. My mom lives a life of revisionist history where everything bad happened to her and not us and she was this amazing wonderful mom and why aren't we better daughters?? It's complete gaslighting and she's incredible draining to be around.
silva , great idea about checking in with county resources - I will do that. And I've had many years of therapy, which has helped, but I still have nagging guilt about helping her because if I don't no one else will. I do not blame my sister for checking out - she is setting boundaries that work for her. I grew up in an abusive household, mainly my dad, but I've made amends with him. He's owned his actions and is nothing but a loving and supportive dad/grandpa at this point. He causes me zero grief or stress. My mom lives a life of revisionist history where everything bad happened to her and not us and she was this amazing wonderful mom and why aren't we better daughters?? It's complete gaslighting and she's incredible draining to be around.
ETA: sorry you're in a similar spot <3
I'm so sorry to hear of your story. Sounds intense and I hear you about the guilt and feeling drained. hugs to you with your journey.
ETA: I wish I could not blame my brother in setting his boundaries, but his are toxic. He lives out of state and we have an extended family group chat where I have provided updates on my mom. Some cousins are commenting on how I am "a saint" and how they "your a good daughter to your mom." Well my brother spoke to me privately saying he doesn't like me providing the updates because he feels like others are judging him for not stepping up and he feels so guilty living so far away. Cool, I get it.
So we've had this discussion on what he can do to help and I gave him tasks and he didn't follow through.
The tipping point was he planned this fun weekend trip here with his partner and friends and unfortunately, my mom had unexpected major surgery that week. So he mentioned his plan to visit her right when they arrived but didn't mention visiting any of the other days he was in town. One visit. I was floored and expressed my deep frustration. His response was "Tell me what you want me to do." and I basically said..."I am not your mother, you are a grown man and I'm trying really hard to relate how you are not moving mountains with your weekend plans to visit your own mother while she recovers in the hospital. Especially when you express that you feel guilty not being around to help." His weaponized incompetence was my last straw.
He ended up seeing her one more time before they left.
I just feel like he can't have it both ways. Feel guilty? I get it. Then, take the initiative and do something. I don't have time or energy to tell you what to do.
Comparatively my dad is doing okay on his own. He just had to have his pacemaker battery replaced after 10 years and has some serious heart issues but it is active, lives alone and does his own shopping, cooking etc.
My mom, who was younger than him and very healthy until the brain cancer really did everything for him. She went to his appointments with him, handled all repair work, everything with us kids growing up, money, shopping, meals etc Even after she was diagnosed she was handling their bills, setting up his doctors’ appointments etc. That has been a big change and now I manage the money/house/health stuff for him. My brother has flat out said he will not help with anything so it’s all me/my husband.
He’s not very good at relaying information at all so it’s always a game of telephone when he gets mail, a call from a doctor or repair person. He also has never used a computer or smart phone and so much is online now. That’s really exhausting.
He is very appreciative of our help but much like when I was a child, he doesn’t take much of an interest in our lives and puts forth no effort in a social way. It makes all of our interactions very one sided.
This fall we stopped going there for holidays because I’d cook for him, my brother and often some of their friends. They are all picky eaters so it was a limited menu and my dad consistently would insist he was going to bake a dessert and want to exchange presents.
Then we’d arrive on the day with all of the food and equipment to make the meal and he would have not done anything because he “didn’t feel like sweets”, or say there was a long line at the store he didn’t feel like waiting in so he’d put everything back and then never returned to the store.
What made it even worse is all of the discussions he’d initiate about the holidays, presents, shopping, and recipes for weeks leading up to the holiday. It would take up hours of my time for weeks discussing what he wanted to do and in the end he would do nothing.
He can manage to socialize with the neighbors/his friends, make toys and donate them to children at shelters, shop and cook and bake for himself so it’s not like it’s beyond his capabilities.
Anyway, we are matching that energy and handling his general life stuff but we aren’t going over on holidays and providing food anymore. Next weekend we are going over to say hello and I guess look at his decorations and maybe play a game and then leave before lunch. Maybe that sounds cold but I’m excited to have a relaxing holiday with food I want to eat this year!
My ILs are another exhausting story but they so far are managing themselves okay and live in an area with a lot of health care and social outlets but we haven’t seen them in person in a long time.
Post by definitelyO on Dec 7, 2023 10:30:07 GMT -5
We're starting to get more involved with ILs. I'm researching assisted living for them - they don't need it now - but they want to know what's out there for when they do. It's hard to know what to trust/ask/look for at these places.
FIL is 89 and while still doing well - has parkinsons and had a massive heart attack this summer. but still works out, cooks dinner, drives, etc.. but he's getting tired. MIL is 85 and has dementia and depends on the day - but he will need help with her.
SIL has taken over all finances/paying bills, etc..
shauni27 , my mom has a lot of mobility issues too so I commiserate. She keeps trying to find a reason its not her fault ("it must be my heart!", "it must be my lungs!") when in reality every specialist says what my sister and I know to be true, its really due to her complete inactivity and poor diet. She refuses to go to PT, which her doctors say will help. She is the oldest 76 year old I know.
I dread how things will go when her health declines further. She was not a great mom and I have a lot of feelings about it not being "fair" that I'm going to have to shoulder the burden of caring for in old age when she didn't care for me well in childhood. My sister feels the same way (but without the guilt) and refuses to be involved. My mother also has very little savings and is a renter. She relies mostly on her SS, so there is no money to throw at the problem. It all keeps me up at night.
The bolded part sounds so similar to my MIL and how things are falling to DH only (and not evenly with his sister). But because it's my MIL (we don't have a close relationship), it doesn't keep me up at night. SIL lives far away and does not have a great relationship with MIL, so she feels like she's not beholden to help with MIL. MIL relies on SS and a little extra she makes working part time as a massage therapist. She refuses to let DH help her build a budget, though, so it makes us wonder if she is hiding something financially. We've told her that she should get on a waiting list for an income-based senior apartment (she is currently in a regular income-based apartment), but I don't think she's done anything on this. I think she's thinking that she can just move in with us if she finds herself without a place to live, but DH has clearly told her that will not happen. It doesn't help that MIL has a strong victim mentality, so nothing is ever her fault or responsibility.
DH is realizing more and more he doesn’t want to be MIL and her husband’s executor. He’s trying to figure out a way to politely tell them they need to change their wills.
FIL’s entire mobility issues are related to doing nothing and sitting on the couch all day. DH tried to get him to start doing something, but he won’t. I really hope BIL deals with him if he gets worse. We have a young kid and BIL is a bachelor with an “adult” child who doesn’t even like him.
midwestmama, your MIL is my mom to a T! Its never her fault. And I know she still expects we'll take her in if push comes to shove but it will never ever happen. I'd lose my mind (and my marriage).
I just feel like he can't have it both ways. Feel guilty? I get it. Then, take the initiative and do something. I don't have time or energy to tell you what to do.
/vent
That is totally valid and I agree! My sister is very "I don't feel any obligation to help mom and don't care what anyone thinks about that. Sorry not sorry." and I really can't fault her for it considering. Still, it sucks to be the one stuck with the bag (as you know).
Hugs to everyone in this thread. I didn’t think I’d be in a thread like this for another 10-15 years as my parents are only 19 years older than me.
I’m an only child of divorced parents who are both fiercely independent. My dad, however, has been having delusions and paranoia. He’s losing weight but otherwise seems pretty normal. He’s selling his house and moving into an independent living facility in a few weeks. It’s all happening pretty fast. We’re scheduled for a psychiatric evaluation on Monday, so looking forward to that and also hoping the change of scenery will help with the delusions of him being hacked and stalked.
I have nothing but sympathy for everyone in this thread. I still haven’t mentally dealt with how things went so quickly and so badly with my mom. My dad is still incredibly ill and has had two more heart attacks but I just don’t have the mental capacity as much to take that on. He has a younger wife and two step daughters that are much closer to him than I am that thankfully manage most of his needs since my brain just can’t after everything with my mom. I feel like I am failing him and I’m terrible but I feel very fragile still. Caretaking of the elderly is abysmal in this country and I can’t imagine what we would do if my parents didn’t have the ability to pay for their care. It’s so sad that it comes down to money and I’m so thankful that they were/are well off and that doesn’t have to be a factor and add to my stress.
Post by cricketwife on Dec 7, 2023 18:42:29 GMT -5
I’m having a bit of a hard time because it’s been a year since I had to move my mom to my city. (Quick recap- my stepfather died last October and he was my moms caregiver. She has Alzheimer’s. I moved her to a memory care facility in my city the week before Thanksgiving last year.) I don’t always see the decline day to day, but when I think about where she was last year and where she is now…in some ways I feel sad how much ground she’s lost and in other ways, I think, wow, she could go on for years and it’’s A horrible state. She doesn’t know who I am, she is barely able to say anything intelligible, but she can walk just fine. It’s the physical wellness that is heartbreaking when her brain has deteriorated so much.
Post by ProfessorArtNerd on Dec 8, 2023 8:47:08 GMT -5
My dad is back in his nursing home, after being hospitalized for what turned out to be complications from Covid. O absolutely hate the hospital that my parents use- it’s impossible to get anyone on the phone. If you want to speak w a doctor, you have to go up and park your ass til they come. With the exception of the one hospital doctor, she is wonderful about calling almost daily. But she works 3-4 days in a row, then radio silence til she’s back. I still have no idea what type of dementia he has, and what it came on so suddenly.
My mom is depressed as hell, but won’t ask about a high dose or new medication. She’s been on 10mg of Prozac since I was in fifth grade. She’s so frail, I know she’s not eating much. She has an un-dxd eating disorder. Her oncologist wants her to gain weight but she’s always been proud of weighing <100 lbs. it’s frustrating bc she went through so much with lung cancer 8 years ago to just sit and wait to feel better. It doesn’t work like that. It’s like my mom-mom all over again.
And I’m having a hard time backing off of both their care. But I have a wide range of ages in my own children(2, 8, and 15) who depend on my almost exclusively for everything. But my sister lives with them. She works overnight, and constantly pulls doubles so she doesn’t have to be home. It’s exhausting. They should call us the shot sandwich generation
Post by pinkplasticdoll on Dec 8, 2023 11:43:28 GMT -5
My father has been in an assisted living since june, he was declining but has seemed to plateau for the time being, it was expected so this isnt a total surprise. My dad was a crappy human for most of my life, this hasnt changed as he has aged or required more assistance and my patience with him is growing thinner. We had dental surgery this week where they removed 3 teeth and made him a partial denture, i am not sure he can take care of the denture but it is what it is. He was in pain after all the numbness meds wore off but refused to take anything so i was like welp I cant help you. I am sure people see me being short tempered with him and think I am a terrible person but I have to remember they don't have any idea what I endured getting him to be out in whatever setting we are in. I showed up to his assisted living on Thanksgiving to pick him up for lunch and he was wearing a flannel jacket, no shirt, jeans and shoes that are too small which my mother (his ex wife) snuck into the facility. Anyway, I am tired of being a caregiver to him, I have 2 other siblings but they dont want to care for him and its with good reason so i work to make sure he has decent care from the facility and all his medical things are taken care of but its exhausting.
My ils are declining and I had to have a frank conversation with my husband that they need to get their life in order because we just dont have the bandwidth to take care of this when they pass away back to back as I expect will happen to them because they are so dependent on each other.
Ultimately I am tired of being a caregiver to these adult folks. there I said it, i am tired of this and just want to run away with my immediate family.
I haven’t really posted about this and I’m not in the thick of it like a lot of you yet, but my mom who is 66 was diagnosed with Parkinsons (genetic and dx’d pretty early a few years ago). I find myself questioning her behavior all the time… like is every little thing a symptom things are progressing for the worse or is it just because of her lifestyle.
She refuses to retire due to financial reasons, although that would be best so she could prioritize her health. She was legitimately behind but they’ve done a lot to catch up and could make it happen if they stopped shopping for stuff they don’t need and stopped buying new cars all the time. Her job is very stressful and gets busier and more stressful every year. My stepdad who is a few years younger than her just retired because his job was physically demanding. He used to be really helpful but has not been the past decade and there was a time I thought she might leave him in the Covid era but my mom is super co-dependent with him and my younger brother. Despite supporting therapy for my brother, my mom and stepdad refuse to go to therapy for themselves. I think it would help their relationship, help them deal with the Dx and help them both be treated for suspected depression. My mom ended up needing emergency surgery recently and my stepdad actually stepped up so I’m hoping that continues now that he’s retired and can take more off my mom’s plate and make sure she’s taking care of herself. I have been worried about what the future looks like for them and my brother who isn’t a fully independent adult (and may never be) but there’s been some positive changes recently.
I have a 91-year-old mother, still living in her own home. She's in that "I don't want to even talk about leaving my house!!" camp. Horribly frustrating for us because there is no clear line in the sand where we have to force the issue. It takes work - she gets meals on wheels, but I handle all her bills, do shopping weekly, and call twice a day to remind her about her pills. Then there are the one-off calls, where she can't figure out her tv remote control or the meals on wheels delivery is "late." Those tend to be frustrating because she has some memory issues and so she'll get upset or frustrated, forget she called and call again. Last week, she called me 4 times within 20 minutes because meals on wheels was late. And it was, but as I reminded her, they've never forgotten her.
I think the memory issues are the worst for me. They really aren't bad, but there are just times where it hits so hard that she can't remember talking about something 2 days ago, or I'm trying to deal with the 3rd call in 30 minutes about the same topic (patient with her but inside my head, screaming). And I'm not doing this alone - I have a brother, who just this week installed new grab bars and nightlights, after she took a fall and called me at midnight, OK but upset. If I were doing this without my brother's involvement, I couldn't keep it up.
But on the upside, and I mentioned this in one of the Randoms this week, my stepmother just agreed to move into a retirement home. In her case, I'm close to her but it isn't my responsiblity. I just try to help and support my stepsister however I can. But this move is going to be so good for Stepmom and we're just so relieved.
I have so many friends going through some stage of this and it's always so difficult, no matter what your particular situation. My heart breaks for all of us.
Sending love to everyone who is struggling and hurting for their parents. No one prepared us for this chapter of life. I've been trying to get my parents to move out of their huge 3 story home - bedroom on the top floor - entrance is the bottom floor so there is no way to avoid stairs. Their stairs are dangerous for anyone at any age - steep and high. I pushed hard during covid to have them live with me, near me, near my sibling. No dice. My h called and asked them to please come live with us. Thanks but no thanks. Fast forward to now, My 88yo mom was visiting in october and was in alot of pain - thought she pulled something in her leg. She got worse as the week went on. Went home, waited another week, went to the dr. - DX spinal stenosis, Got a cortisone shot in the spine but then had a fall and wound up in the hospital with a concussion. Sent to rehab after a few days to get strength back. Got covid and pneumonia - back to the hospital for a week, back at rehab again but she cant get up on her own, can't walk with a walker. It's so tough to see some who is always so strong and fit like this. My dad physically can't help her up or down. But they both think she'll be going back home. They'll install an elevator or whatever it takes. my sibling and i are both several hours away. We take turns coming up but its not enough help for my dad. This sucks. I wish I could do something, anything to help.
I don't think I've ever really fully explained my situation, so I will do so right now.
My parents are 82 and 84 and in decent shape right now. Since I got divorced and moved back to MN, I have stepped in and played a much bigger role in caring for them. A few years ago, I decided to buy the house behind theirs, so I could be as close as possible to them. (We also have a really good relationship, and they know boundaries so it works for us.)
Fast forward a few months after buying the house, and one of my brothers had a stroke. Thankfully it was not a really bad one but enough that he could no longer work or drive. As a family, we decided that he would move in with me and I would be able to oversee him and his healthcare needs.
Then about 18 months later, my other brother unexpectedly passed away. That was not only hard emotionally for all of us but I also think in a weird way, it played a part in both of my parent's health.
Since then, there have been hospital stays for both parents, a breast cancer reoccurrence scare for my mom, covid and other illnesses that are scary for people in their 80s.
I take care of all healthcare issues, including taking them to all appointments and sitting with the doctors to know exactly what is happening, scheduling all appointments, and keeping track of all medications for both of my parents and my brother. It is a lot and there are days when I just want to scream and cry but then there are stretches of time like now, where things are calm and I am just grateful that I can help out.
You are a wonderful daughter/sister. I couldn't read this and not send you a virtual hug. What a blessing you are to your family.
Exhausted, part 4. My own mom is in decent shape (71 years) but she & her partner live in a 3 story Victorian with no plans to downsize, ever. However my MIL is Omer own in a 3500 sq house on 70 plus acres and no ability to care for herself or the house/land and no recognition of her limitations. BIL literally lives next door but doesn’t do much day to day - as in, MIL fell in the shower and was there 3 full days until we, a state away, realized something was wrong.
Add in that we have a teen child and toddler child and we are effing sandwich generation in ever sense.
stinkyfeet, Thank you so much for those kind words.
My situation would not work for a lot of people but it works for me, and I'm just grateful that I can help out. Yes, there are days I want to pull my hair out but I make it thru them.
Post by litskispeciality on Dec 12, 2023 11:48:15 GMT -5
We were told that my dad's brain scan results were inconclusive (if it's Alz, FTD or maybe a third thing), and the place we've been dealing with for over 6 months will just see him a couple of times a year as "there's not much they can do". After a long, and embarrassing Karen moment in the office last week I got my hands on the scan results...and guess what...says right at the top what they think he's got. I believe Neurology will get the results and explain it to us, but they say they can't diagnose. I seriously question if we're going to end up with malpractice with Psychiatry as they're hurting any chance of slowing progression they can.
Some of my dad's clothes went missing when someone tried to help with his laundry. His Home Health person is amazing and trying to help, but the point of hiring all of these services was to take some of these issues off my plate. He's in an independent place so we didn't think we'd have to start tagging clothes, but I may follow up on that lead from another thread (thank you!) to be safe.
My IL's are a whole other issue. Unfortunately I think they're going to try to age in place due to lack of funds. *thankfully* one of my BIL's deals with a lot of their stuff, and my DH is the back up when BIL isn't avb. Of course it always falls on DH's shift and then we have to scramble, but it's better than what we're doing for my dad.
Today, my dad (late 70s) is doing a cardiac procedure (out patient) with my mom as support. He did his prep work yesterday and was asked to be there at 6 am today. Fine, did all that. Except, he didn’t take his meds last night because …?? We don’t know why exactly. He said something like “well, I didn’t want to take the blood thinner because of the procedure today”. Mind you, he had access to many, many medical people to prep for this procedure and asked no one anything about discontinuing a med that was prescribed. Just decided on his own what meds not to take. So, of course he needs the meds and it’s unsafe to do the procedure without them. My mom brought all his pills, so at least he got dosed this morning. So, it’s noon and he is still there.
My mom is so frustrated. They bicker to relieve anxiety, so that must be fun to hear in the waiting room.