Aging parent check-in

[litskispeciality]

Anyone want to chat, vent, scream, ask for advice about their on-going aging parent, dementia, alz or other memory issues? Edit: including all physical, emotional, movement and living situations etc. Basically anything that your parent has that's stressing you out.

Figure there's (sadly) so many of us we can have our own thread rather than randoms or support thread. Also huge hugs, this really, truly never gets easier.

Edit: Changed the subject to include any aging parent issue regardless of their memory. 

[silva]

Hey!

Thanks for this thread.

We had my mom over for Thanksgiving; I had low expectations. She was able to walk from the car into our home which was great, however, she declined towards the end of the visit and the walk out of the house and into the car, she was petrified of falling. I don't think she'll be able to come for Xmas.

Two weeks before Thanksgiving, she had hernia repair surgery and recovered well. Thankful for that, as it could have been worse.

She forgot my birthday. I visited her the day before and mentioned it was my birthday the next day....she said February 9th? She never forgot our birthdays.

Her social worker called, they are canceling PT and OT because she's not participating. Part of me is frustrated that she's not giving 100%, but that's the reality right now that I have to navigate.

Caring for a parent sucks, and no one really prepared our generation for this.

[shauni27]

I am tangentially here. My mom does not have any dementia and is still very independent, but her mobility has gone down hill so badly. She has fallen twice in the last 2 weeks, and while she was physically fine, she needed to call for assistance. She lives in a home with zero steps and is 100% ada compliant. When she comes to our house (weekly) and has to do even one step, it is a challenge for her. She wants to spend more time with my son (6) but he is active and his main toy area is down a full set of stairs.

We did a family vacation with her in Ireland earlier this year and it was a challenge; she loves to travel and wants to travel more, but she cannot do any stairs, she can hardly get in and out of taxis, she cannot walk more than 100 feet or so, even with canes, and yet she is hurt that we do not invite her on our vacations or schedule family vacations with her.

I struggle with feeling resentment because I am the only person around who can assist her when she falls or doing things like gardening for her or paying her bills, etc, but I love her and want to spend meaningful time with her.

[Susie]

shauni27 , that sounds really challenging.  Are there any options to help her recover mobility that she would be willing to pursue?

My dad doesn't struggle quite as much as your mom, but it's not great.  His issue is that he probably needs knee replacements that he's refusing to acknowledge/pursue.  He lived through a terminal cancer diagnosis in 2005 by the grace of a clinical trial, but ever since his entire outlook on life and health has changed.  He avoids all doctors, procedures, and efforts to improve his overall health, even those totally unrelated to his cancer, because they remind him of those times.  We're closing in on 20 years since dx, which at one point was unfathomable, and it is sad to watch him spend that time with poorer health than he has to.

I also suspect he has struggled with undx'ed depression since my mom died in 2016.  Absolutely will not acknowledge or talk to anyone about it.  Instead he leans on me to increasing degree to manage interactions with the outside world.  H noticed that he has even started calling me by my mom's name, particularly in the context of me handling things she used to handle for him.  It is exhausting.

[silva]

shauni27, I wonder if it is worth connecting with her dr. to see about PT or finding a scooter for longer walks. PT could help with managing stairs. I'm sorry you're dealing with that.

[noodleoo]

We need to start thinking about the future for H's parents. They still live in the house he grew up in, which has bedrooms on the 3rd floor and 2 steep stairs to get down to the street. FIL is 86 and his mobility is limited. He walks with a cane and MIL is basically his caretaker. They came for Thanksgiving and it is the first time I've seen that MIL seems unhappy. She never learned to drive because they live in a very walkable city, took the train everywhere and (I think) FIL never let her. Since FIL can't walk far anymore and she doesn't like to leave him, she feels very isolated. I'm not sure what the solution is, they have money but they've been in the house for 45 years so I don't see anything changing until it has to. Meanwhile I feel like they need more and more help and we live 45 mins away and it isn't easy.

My friend is dealing with 2 parents with dementia and it is awful. My heart hurts for her and the amount of work is insane. I am very scared for what is to come.

[janegold]

We live nearby my ILs and taking care of them financially and physically has become a big part of our lives over the last 3 years. It's very difficult with two little kids, and two demanding jobs that (in H's case) require a ton of travel.  Plus H is an only child.

My FIL has dementia and is declining very rapidly. He cannot do anything at all for himself - eating, toileting, walking, dressing. Very little speech at this point, and rarely opens his eyes. He's been on hospice the last couple of months but it's so hard to know what to expect in terms of prognosis of late-stage dementia.

He lives at home and MIL is his primary caregiver. She has aides to the house most days, usually multiple times a day. But she is still overwhelmed and not in great health herself. I've been trying to get her to come with me on tours of memory care facilities, but it's been a struggle. We went to one nearby a few weeks ago and they determined he is too advanced to be placed there.

We are supposed to tour another that can handle higher levels of care, but she keeps postponing the visit - last week, it was because she thought it would be too difficult of a drive (it's all on backroads but she is such a nervous nellie driver and balked because it is "near" a highway, omfg). She agreed to reschedule and we were supposed to go this afternoon, but she called today saying that she feels too rundown to go. And she sounded it, I'm concerned about her.

She has COPD and a very slow-moving, almost dormant lung cancer. Two of the last six winters, she has nearly died from pneumonia. I'm so nervous she is going to get sick again, and that figuring out FIL's care will be an emergency. I asked her to talk to the social worker at the hospice agency about getting FIL into respite care (she's entitled to 5 days/quarter of facility-based respite care) so that she can rest and take care of herself. But I'm worried she won't actually do it, so I think I'm going to have to have H step in as FIL's healthcare proxy.

It's just so all-consuming and I feel like there's not enough of me to go around between helping them, my job, my kids. I can't give more to one without taking from the other and it's stressful.

[rosiebear]

Sympathy to all of you! My MIL is fine, mentally. Most of the time - she’s been having a few “episodes” of confusion but got a checkup and nothing is seriously wrong.

My main concern/annoyance is her absolute insistence that she will NEVER move out of her home. Not to assisted living, not even to an independent condo or apartment. The burden of upkeep, landscaping, monitoring and replacing appliances, etc., doesn’t fall on her - it falls on her children. She does not drive (never did), so grocery runs and travel to family events are all managed by my SIL, as well.

My SILs are absolute saints, but they should not have to be. We live an 8 hour drive away, so we don’t do much to help except to contribute $$ as needed. Sometimes I want to kick the “aging in place” advocates in the shins.

[shauni27]

Susie, huge hugs. that sounds really hard. noodleoo, my mom sold her house a year ago which sounds very similar to your in laws home. It was SUCH a relief for me.

[BlondeSpiders]

If anyone remembers my "thirsty elderly parent" post from August (pandce.proboards.com/thread/638665/elderly-single-parent-thirsty-af) the saga with my mom is still ongoing.

She bought the house in Oregon and moved a couple of weeks ago. She's now 10 hours away and has no friends or family there. She couldn't even unpack her car because of her busted arm. She used one of those "we buy ugly houses" companies and left her house full of furniture and stuff she didn't want to take.

She assured me that she and J were just very good friends and he has helped her quite a bit with her move. As it turns out, he moved a new girlfriend into his home last weekend. I don't have any details but I can't say I'm surprised.

Our relationship has profoundly changed in the past 7 months. We used to be so close, but I don't even know how to talk to her anymore. She needs to have a couple of heart procedures done at a hospital up here, and I told her she was welcome to stay and convalesce with us. Maybe we can have some heart to hearts then.

[scm1011]

shauni27, my mom has a lot of mobility issues too so I commiserate. She keeps trying to find a reason its not her fault ("it must be my heart!", "it must be my lungs!") when in reality every specialist says what my sister and I know to be true, its really due to her complete inactivity and poor diet. She refuses to go to PT, which her doctors say will help. She is the oldest 76 year old I know.

I dread how things will go when her health declines further. She was not a great mom and I have a lot of feelings about it not being "fair" that I'm going to have to shoulder the burden of caring for in old age when she didn't care for me well in childhood. My sister feels the same way (but without the guilt) and refuses to be involved. My mother also has very little savings and is a renter. She relies mostly on her SS, so there is no money to throw at the problem. It all keeps me up at night.

[lilypad1126]

I just spent a few days with my parents and it's really hitting home how bad things are going to be in a few years. My mom (70) seems in good health but she's got a couple of issues that doctors are monitoring and she's having an MRI at the end of the month that might show she has cancer. And not that any cancer is good, but this would not be easily treatable. If that wasn't bad enough on it's own, my dad (75) struggles to walk, won't use a walker, and absolutely cannot live in their house on his own for any real length of time. Every time I see him he's declined a little more. He also has some untreated mental health issues and god help whoever mentions to him that he should treat those issues. He can be sweet as pie if he wants to be, but mostly he just wants to be old and mean.

My mom and I had a frank talk about her issues and I told her that if dad outlives her, he has 2 options. Move to be closer to me (into assisted living) or be on his own. He's retired and while he has friends in their city, he's not tied there the way I'm tied to my city for my job. And he's not nice enough to me for me to want to try to manage him/his life when he's a 3 hour plane ride away.

I know that sounds harsh, but I also know the second my mom is gone, my dad is going to expect me to take over managing his life. And my sister will be basically useless, though will likely help however I tell her to. But again, that's just adding to my mental load. I am not the type to stick my head in the sand, but I really try not to think too hard about this b/c it just stresses me out.

[k3am]

scm1011, my mom is even younger than yours. She complained that everyone at the memory care is older than her. And they are. But she feels even older.

We moved my mom to memory care right after Thanksgiving. It went better than anticipated. We still have her on anxiety medication, but aside from 1-3pm and bedtime, she seems to be doing okay with the move. She thinks she's living in her college dorm, which actually works out, because anytime she starts asking for a ride home, we remind her how much fun dorms are and make her promise not to go streaking, which throws her off and makes her laugh.

The move has been amazing for her already on so many levels. They are handling so much of the day to day care that my sister has been handling (ordering medical supplies, leaving work to take her to appointments, etc.) Physical therapy comes to her and the staff makes sure she does the exercises. She has walked more per day than she probably had per month. I called her earlier this week and she told me she was too busy enjoying dessert and conversation with the ladies that she'd need to call me back.

The only downside is that she likely will be moved to a higher care level before too long (more $$$, but she can afford it) and her decline is more/faster than we realized. Not sure if it's been the change, the antianxiety meds, or if her caregivers just weren't providing adequate feedback to get a good baseline. My guess is it's a combination of medication and the staff being more on top of things and communicating more. But either way, it cements that this was the right move. I know she is somewhere that she has the care she needs.

But now comes the fun part of cleaning out the house...

[noodleoo]

Dec 6, 2023 14:25:58 GMT -5 scm1011 said:

shauni27 , my mom has a lot of mobility issues too so I commiserate. She keeps trying to find a reason its not her fault ("it must be my heart!", "it must be my lungs!") when in reality every specialist says what my sister and I know to be true, its really due to her complete inactivity and poor diet. She refuses to go to PT, which her doctors say will help. She is the oldest 76 year old I know.

I dread how things will go when her health declines further. She was not a great mom and I have a lot of feelings about it not being "fair" that I'm going to have to shoulder the burden of caring for in old age when she didn't care for me well in childhood. My sister feels the same way (but without the guilt) and refuses to be involved. My mother also has very little savings and is a renter. She relies mostly on her SS, so there is no money to throw at the problem. It all keeps me up at night.

Dealing with my MIL after FIL is gone has been my nightmare for years and also keeps me up at night.  I know it is coming and I am dreading it.  I think you know there is a lot of baggage between us and I resent the situation.  H has 2 siblings but they both live far away and are the most selfish people I know, so I don't envision them being any help.  As it is they guilt trip H about why he doesn't do more (which is bullshit).  My other issue is that H can't say no to his parents and is conditioned as the oldest male in his family that they are his responsibility anyway (siblings reinforce this as it lets them off the hook).  And he has a history of basically ignoring me and the kids for his parents which doesn't sit well with me either.

I probably should line up a therapist for myself because I don't envision handling it well.

[mrsukyankee]

I haven't seen my mom in over a year but in talking to her, there are definitely a bunch of change - from having issues around oxygen, to struggling to walk very far, to being diagnosed this year with Alzheimers. I know she's struggling a lot and we've seen some of her paranoia (received a letter about her husband stealing from her - he's not). It's hard living away from her. I expect that we'll end up financing any help she needs that falls outside of Medicare since my brother will have to deal with my dad and his MIL in the future.

My MIL is doing okay and she is walking regularly, but she refuses to get a knee surgery or do anything to help with her feet or knee issues. She refuses to wear her hearing aid and has the beginning stages of dementia (her sister died after a few years of dementia). I'm not looking forward to her care as she lives with us. 

[scm1011]

noodleoo, I remember the baggage and I'm sorry you're in the same mental space about the eventuality. I'm generally not one to borrow worry, but I can see where this story is headed and I just don't have the mental or physical bandwidth to deal with it.

[7costanza]

My dad has a bunch of health issues but thank god lives with his girlfriend who does 100% of his care. He was a pretty bad dad so I am glad I don’t have to deal with much. If she passes before him I guess he will just move into assisted living. He’s on a very limited budget and options may be limited but I won’t contribute. His mind is still very sharp so I don’t expect I’ll need to manage his finances or anything like that.

My mom is 70 and generally healthy, though I suspect has an eating disorder (which predates any aging issues) which has made her frail and she can barely hear. I drove behind her leaving a restaurant the other day and watched her drive up onto a sidewalk and almost take out a fire hydrant. I let her drive me to brunch a couple months ago and never again. My sister and niece still ride with her frequently and I worry for all of them.

My in-laws moved into a senior community a few years ago and have a great setup for aging in place. I hope to have a similar setup when the time comes!

[spindle92]

I don't think I've ever really fully explained my situation, so I will do so right now.

My parents are 82 and 84 and in decent shape right now.
Since I got divorced and moved back to MN, I have stepped in and played a much bigger role in caring for them.
A few years ago, I decided to buy the house behind theirs, so I could be as close as possible to them. (We also have a really good relationship, and they know boundaries so it works for us.)

Fast forward a few months after buying the house, and one of my brothers had a stroke. Thankfully it was not a really bad one but enough that he could no longer work or drive. As a family, we decided that he would move in with me and I would be able to oversee him and his healthcare needs.

Then about 18 months later, my other brother unexpectedly passed away. That was not only hard emotionally for all of us but I also think in a weird way, it played a part in both of my parent's health.

Since then, there have been hospital stays for both parents, a breast cancer reoccurrence scare for my mom, covid and other illnesses that are scary for people in their 80s.

I take care of all healthcare issues, including taking them to all appointments and sitting with the doctors to know exactly what is happening, scheduling all appointments, and keeping track of all medications for both of my parents and my brother. It is a lot and there are days when I just want to scream and cry but then there are stretches of time like now, where things are calm and I am just grateful that I can help out.

[CurlyQ284]

I guess I can start chiming in on these. My dad is 75 (liver transplant, macular degeneration, lymphoma surviver, kidneys aren't great, heart issues, mobility issues, a LOT of problems since his transplant 11 years ago), mom is 71 (breast cancer surviver, recently had a hysterectomy for endometrial cancer).

They live in my hometown in NOVA, my brother lives about 25 min from them but doesn't help out at all. They've been considering moving to my town in Michigan. I went home to help Mom during/after her hysterectomy and I think that nudged them over the edge. I helped get Dad to his appointments, cooked dinner etc but mainly I think they're lonely and they liked having company.

So they just signed a lease to move to an apartment 15 min from me. Once their house sells, they'll look for a more long term house here. I'm a little nervous, I don't think they will expect to see me every day but it's just a lot of change. I hope they don't regret it, and also not sure how much extra I will be taking on and I assume it'll increase as the years go by. I've only lived in my hometown a total of 5 years since I graduated college, we don't live near Hs family either so I'm not really used to having responsibilities outside of H and the kids 😬

[tiki]

My dad is 72 and has multiple serious health issues that are overwhelming his body. I'm not sure anyone can pull out of a health decline this steep/far, and if my mom is to believed, his quality of life is now low enough that I'm not sure it's kind to want him to. My mom (a retired nurse) has been his caretaker all year, and while she's done a heroic job, the reality is it's dirty, smelly, exhausting, physically challenging work to take care of another adult's basic functions 24/7. My dad hasn't felt "good" in a long time, and between discomfort and exhaustion they can be fairly nasty to each other as well.

This time he's been in the hospital for over a week, and I'm flying this Friday to hear what his doctors say, make sure my mom has food in the house, etc. I've put off this trip because it kills me to see it first-hand - how much my dad has declined since my last visit, the state of their house (they moved 2 years ago and didn't manage to unpack fully before he became unable to do so), hearing the things they say to each other. I'm also still mad at them both for moving to a new state where they have no support network and no knowledge of resources. I'm worried that my complicated feelings are preventing me from emotionally processing the reality that my dad may be about to die, or worse, linger like this for even longer with no hope of recovery.

[konapoppy]

I need to help my dad use Lyft so he can be more independent. But his eyes are failing, and I am not sure how truly accessible the app is. His hands are shaky, so challenging to work a smart phone to begin with. It is on my to do list to figure out with him.

I am doing a major international trip with him next year and my one job is to make sure he enjoys the time and sees what he wants. I will probably be miserable doing all of the work to get us to and fro, but I know it might be my last chance with him. I’m even doing global entry to make one thing more frictionless with him.

[mrsslocombe]

Sympathy for everyone.

We've spent the past few years dealing with my slowly declining in-laws, to the point where my husband basically had to move in with them over the summer because they couldn't drive, cook, or manage anything. Finally after they each had a fall in the home (broken ribs for her, diagnosis of Parkinsis and diabetes for him) we convinced them to move into assisted living. It was a ROUGH move.

Then a week later my MIL went in for a scheduled surgery and died. So...it's all been a lot.

Strangely, after railing against assisted living as a fate worse than death my FIL seems...fine? He still gets overwhelmed by a lot but he goes to 2-3 activities a day, has made a few friends. So for those of you tearing your hair out trying to get your parents out of their death trap of a home, we have zero regrets about pushing them to move. My FIL is helpless (as in, learned incompetence). He never learned how to cook, do laundry, grocery shop, clean. Now he lives in a place that feeds him three hot meals a day and plans stuff for him to do.

[stemmie]

litskispeciality, Thanks for including those who are living with "just aging" parents. My dad died from complications of mixed dementia about 5 years ago. That was gut-wrenching. But looking after mom who is 86, frail and medically complex is harder in some respects. I find it hard to find a balance between allowing her to be independent and preventing her from doing stupid-ass things. She no longer drives and sees about a dozen doctors at least once yearly which is a time suck. She's been doing PT for falls and balance issues. ( shauni27,-- I highly recommend PT if mom'll do it; I was amazed at how weak and deconditioned certain muscle groups were-- a few months out and she's like a new person) While it's been super helpful-- and she's eating up the hair pats for being the cute little old lady-- it's a lot of time away from my own life. I do sometimes have her family friend who is being treated for cancer and needs the money drive her but I kind of need to be at appointments because she goes all passive and under-reports symptoms or lies about compliance.

konapoppy, my mom is not tech-savvy at all. She uses a service called GoGoGrandparent sometimes. It's an additional charge over the Uber and Lyft drivers, but even my mom can manage it most of the time. Uber has an 800 number that allows you to call for a ride as well.

get.gogograndparent.com/gogostart?utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=267706218&utm_content=78752694851371&utm_term=keyword=gogograndparent&msclkid=63fd185a22001da9df207d2b97fa518d

[midwestmama]

MIL just turned 66 in October, but by far needs more help than my parents, who are 76. (DH doesn't really talk to his dad, so I consider him a non-issue.) MIL has symptoms of dementia; her doctor ran her through many tests this year to diagnose MIL as mild/early-stage dementia. As of now, MIL lives alone, but she depends on family in the area (including DH) to help her get to doctor appointments if she is not able to drive herself. (She got in a bad car accident (her fault) in June 2022, and couldn't drive until Feb/March 2023.) MIL is not good with technology and refuses to use the free-to-her ride service to appointments through her health insurance (though DH sent her step-by-step instructions on how to use it), which adds to the burden to local family. SIL lives 1000 miles away and has a strained relationship with MIL, and SIL thinks those reasons exclude her from having to provide any help. We are trying to encourage MIL to get on a waiting list for a senior apartment, so that she might have more assistance options through the apartment complex (e.g., planned trips to the grocery store, help with arranging rides, etc.)

My dad recently had a fall due to a poor choice on his part, which resulted in a trip to the hospital for stitches late at night. Thankfully no major injuries resulted from that. My parents live 45 minutes away, so close enough that I could go help if needed. As of right now, they are fine to live in their own home. My mom will not want to move into assisted living, so DH and I need to think more about how to handle if/when my parents are not able to safely live at home.

[konapoppy]

stemmie - THANK YOU!!! I don’t know if his pride will let him use it, but it is something!!

[lulu806]

Dec 7, 2023 7:11:14 GMT -5 stemmie said:

 I find it hard to find a balance between allowing her to be independent and preventing her from doing stupid-ass things. 

I felt this in my soul.  My parents are 70 and we built an in law apartment for them. I love them to death but my mother is constantly doing things that drive me bonkers.  For example, carrying way too many things at once, like groceries, and almost falling day after day.  This is after previously falling and suffering a serious arm fracture requiring surgery and months of PT.  Or carrying too many dishes and dropping and breaking them but continuing to do it.  And then she gets angry when we tell her to stop.  It's exhausting.

[shauni27]

holy hell, this thread makes me want to wrap each and every one of you into a hug.

janegold, I feel overwhelmed just reading your post. HUGE hugs, friend. That is all just too much. I hope you can get them into a memory care unit sooner rather than later.

BlondeSpiders, I am so sorry that she is making these decisions that are ruining your relationship. That sounds heartbreaking. I hope she stays with you when she is there for her appointments and that you guys have a nice time.

scm1011, your comment of your mom being the oldest 76 year old you know is exactly it. My mom is surrounded by incredible friends but I think she struggles because while they are all her age, they are all far more independent than her. They travel alone, they go for walks and hikes and get on the ground and play with their grandkids, etc. She compares herself to them and wants to do the same things but is far too limited. We also do not have tons of money to throw at the problems and it worries me thinking about her future. I am sorry you are in a similar situation.

k3am, I am so glad to hear that overall your mom is doing well with the move! It is nice to hear.

spindle92, I remember bits and pieces of your story, but having it all laid out like you did really shows how overwhelming that must be for you and for your parents. I am so glad you are able to enjoy the calm times in between the scary stuff and the grief.

tiki, sending love. It is hard enough to deal with aging parents as it is, but to be so far away can be both a blessing and a curse.

konapoppy, I just did a huge international trip with my mother (and sister and our families) and while it was without a doubt worth it and seeing how blissfully happy my mom was incredible, it was a lot of physical and emotional work while we were there. I am glad you are able to do this with your dad. Even if he is in fine enough shape to walk, have him get a wheelchair at the airports. It was INCREDIBLE how much that made things easier. You skip all the security lines, skip the lines for customs, both overseas and here, and in general is the best advice I can give you to make things smooth.

[tacokick]

Dec 7, 2023 8:18:44 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

stemmie - THANK YOU!!! I don’t know if his pride will let him use it, but it is something!!

If not that, is there regular car service/cab he could call? My neighbor is a regular user of a local cab company, she just calls and schedules a car. There are even drivers that will wait at appointments for you. No app required.

[scm1011]

tiki , I'm sorry to hear this. If your DH needs help with A next week I'm around. Happy to bring her home with us or pick her up on our walk in if it would be helpful.

[konapoppy]

Dec 7, 2023 9:24:27 GMT -5 tacokick said:

Dec 7, 2023 8:18:44 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

stemmie - THANK YOU!!! I don’t know if his pride will let him use it, but it is something!!

If not that, is there regular car service/cab he could call? My neighbor is a regular user of a local cab company, she just calls and schedules a car. There are even drivers that will wait at appointments for you. No app required.

He can still drive, so this is really a nice to have convenience. Cabs seem pretty obsolete here, but yes, still an option.