If you give gifts to family kids, does "fair" enter into it?

[zizibet]

                                                                                                  If you have a group of family kids that you give to, do you try to be fair in some way? Are there cost limits that were agreed on? Assuming the kids are the same degree of relation to you?  If you were giving an expensive item that has risen in value since it was purchased, and the kids wouldn't be aware, but their parents would, WWYD?
                                                                                                 Backstory: SO agreed to give a collectible that he owns, to one family that he increased in value since it was purchased- think OG AG doll with furniture (it's not that). It will be obviously more expensive than the cap set to all the adults. 
Yes, this is his family not mine, but they re stuck in the 1950's and think holidays are wimmin's business, so I'll be blamed for the fallout.

[quesyrah]

Well, I didn’t know a Taylor swift record was worth $300 so maybe the other families don’t either?

Is the original price within the budget agreed to? If so, fair to give it as a gift. If not, I wouldn’t give it. Can you save it for their birthday?

[zizibet]

quesyrah , It was a limited one done for record store day, and only sold in participating record stores. He bought one for a friend, friend ended up not needing it, he kept it to sell, then kid's mom asked if he could find her one for original price, and he said no, but he had one and he'd make it her Xmas gift, not thinking. So I don't think so.
The original price was within agreed-to limits.

[quesyrah]

Dec 16, 2023 0:51:45 GMT -5 zizibet said:

quesyrah , It was a limited one done for record store day, and only sold in participating record stores. He bought one for a friend, friend ended up not needing it, he kept it to sell, then kid's mom asked if he could find her one for original price, and he said no, but he had one and he'd make it her Xmas gift, not thinking. So I don't think so.
The original price was within agreed-to limits.

Then I think it’s fine to give. If the other parents question it just explain that he paid retail.


To me, what they are selling for on eBay or whatever doesn’t matter.

[charlatti]

Is this a group of cousins where the parents/siblings are known for comparing gifts? It doesn’t sound like a big deal if the child is keeping the item and not selling it, but I’m confused about who will even know or care.

[expectantsteelerfan]

I think it's fine since the original price was within the normal range, but I would base my decision more on if it's an item the kid actually wants/would appreciate/take care of/get value out of as well. If all those were still true, then I'd try not to care if it caused issues with people thinking it wasn't fair and just be happy I made a kid happy with a hard to find/get item and just explain to all the adults that it was a happy accident and you didn't want to keep the kid from benefiting from it.

We are kinda doing something similar this year...my dd is 12 and over toys, and her 6 year old cousin was over this summer playing in her closet and fell in love with this barbie camper that dd had in there and hadn't played with in years and went home and asked for it for Christmas. Her mom looked it up and it's so old that it's no longer available. They make a newer version, but it's not the same and she doesn't want that one. You can still get this one on ebay or other similar sites, but it's stupid expensive compared to how much the new version is and how much the original was when it was new. So we talked to dd and asked if she'd want to gift hers to cousin for Christmas, and she was on board. So we probably could sell it for more on ebay, but I have no interest in doing that and it probably would have sat in dd's closet until she moved out and then gotten donated if we weren't gifting it.

[ssmjlm]

I wouldn’t worry about it unless someone else is a Swifty and would even know.

I mean, OG AG dolls are only worth money to people who care. Otherwise it’s just an old AG doll. I had no idea their value until my kid got into it. And even know I’m a little side eye anyway, lol.

[zizibet]

Dec 16, 2023 7:53:13 GMT -5 charlatti said:

Is this a group of cousins where the parents/siblings are known for comparing gifts? It doesn’t sound like a big deal if the child is keeping the item and not selling it, but I’m confused about who will even know or care.

It's a group of cousins whose parents have had past drama over gifts that got nasty. 

[VillainV]

Dec 16, 2023 12:26:33 GMT -5 zizibet said:

Dec 16, 2023 7:53:13 GMT -5 charlatti said:

Is this a group of cousins where the parents/siblings are known for comparing gifts? It doesn’t sound like a big deal if the child is keeping the item and not selling it, but I’m confused about who will even know or care.

It's a group of cousins whose parents have had past drama over gifts that got nasty. 

Oof. Normally I’d say it’s fine, but in this case where you KNOW people get dramatic and feelings get hurt easily, I’d probably pick something else. It’s not worth the drama to me.

[VillainV]

Dec 16, 2023 12:26:33 GMT -5 zizibet said:

Dec 16, 2023 7:53:13 GMT -5 charlatti said:

Is this a group of cousins where the parents/siblings are known for comparing gifts? It doesn’t sound like a big deal if the child is keeping the item and not selling it, but I’m confused about who will even know or care.

It's a group of cousins whose parents have had past drama over gifts that got nasty. 

Oof. Normally I’d say it’s fine, but in this case where you KNOW people get dramatic and feelings get hurt easily, I’d probably pick something else. It’s not worth the drama to me.

[jinkies]

I think the safer bet would have been to go with the original plan-- it sounds like the child's parent asked for your H's help in finding the record for THEM to give their child. I would try to make a deal with them to buy it from your H to give to their own kid. You give the kid something else more in line with what their cousins are getting.

Regardless of what you paid for it, you are still giving one kid something much more valuable than the others.

[quesyrah]

Dec 16, 2023 12:26:33 GMT -5 zizibet said:

Dec 16, 2023 7:53:13 GMT -5 charlatti said:

Is this a group of cousins where the parents/siblings are known for comparing gifts? It doesn’t sound like a big deal if the child is keeping the item and not selling it, but I’m confused about who will even know or care.

It's a group of cousins whose parents have had past drama over gifts that got nasty. 

Then I would not give it

[maudefindlay]

Grown adults having drama over gifts for kids = I no longer participate.

[zizibet]

Dec 16, 2023 20:56:24 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

Grown adults having drama over gifts for kids = I no longer participate.

If only that were an option.

[maudefindlay]

Dec 17, 2023 0:27:18 GMT -5 zizibet said:

Dec 16, 2023 20:56:24 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

Grown adults having drama over gifts for kids = I no longer participate.

If only that were an option.

The gift giving was getting out of hand at DH's family (expectations that Aunts and Uncles would buy gifts for great nieces and great nephews when my kids were routinely forgotten for gifts by these same adults setting the "rules") and there was an uncomfortable and awkward conversation, but we are out of that.

[purplepenguin7]

“Fairness” is pretty big in my family (though not at fighting level). I probably would not give a high worth collectable to one kid and something basic to another. It definitely depends on the age though. For an example if we’re talking an 11-12 year old and a 6 year old. Then yes fine.i think everyone understands that older kids get “better” gifts. But if you have like 4 11-13 year olds and one gets an impossible to find Taylor swift album worth $$$ and the others get smaller gifts in the $20-30 range, I would not do that personally.

If it’s a super niche interest maybe but if it’s really a TS album I think all the kids of a similar age would be aware of the value and excitement.

[mccallister84]

As suggested earlier, I think the best solution is just to have the parents buy the item from you at the price your H spent and give it to her themselves.

[quesyrah]

Dec 17, 2023 7:07:12 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

Dec 17, 2023 0:27:18 GMT -5 zizibet said:

If only that were an option.

The gift giving was getting out of hand at DH's family (expectations that Aunts and Uncles would buy gifts for great nieces and great nephews when my kids were routinely forgotten for gifts by these same adults setting the "rules") and there was an uncomfortable and awkward conversation, but we are out of that.

We did the same. Other people do not get to dictate how I spend my money.

If people want ruin their relationship with me because I set a boundary that’s on them, not me.

[sent]

Dec 16, 2023 12:26:33 GMT -5 zizibet said:

Dec 16, 2023 7:53:13 GMT -5 charlatti said:

Is this a group of cousins where the parents/siblings are known for comparing gifts? It doesn’t sound like a big deal if the child is keeping the item and not selling it, but I’m confused about who will even know or care.

It's a group of cousins whose parents have had past drama over gifts that got nasty. 

I would probably still give it but make it known (only to these adults) that I bought it at regular price. 

[zizibet]

Dec 17, 2023 8:26:03 GMT -5 purplepenguin7 said:

“Fairness” is pretty big in my family (though not at fighting level). I probably would not give a high worth collectable to one kid and something basic to another. It definitely depends on the age though. For an example if we’re talking an 11-12 year old and a 6 year old. Then yes fine.i think everyone understands that older kids get “better” gifts. But if you have like 4 11-13 year olds and one gets an impossible to find Taylor swift album worth $$$ and the others get smaller gifts in the $20-30 range, I would not do that personally.

If it’s a super niche interest maybe but if it’s really a TS album I think all the kids of a similar age would be aware of the value and excitement.

There's a largish age range. The only other kid the same age has zero interest in music in general, and i don't think any of the 10-under set are interested either.

[rhian]

Dec 16, 2023 20:43:34 GMT -5 jinkies said:

I think the safer bet would have been to go with the original plan-- it sounds like the child's parent asked for your H's help in finding the record for THEM to give their child. I would try to make a deal with them to buy it from your H to give to their own kid. You give the kid something else more in line with what their cousins are getting.

Regardless of what you paid for it, you are still giving one kid something much more valuable than the others.

In normal circumstances, I think just giving it would be fine, but given the desire to prevent drama with a drama-prone group, I think this is the best suggestion.

[whattheheck]

Growing up we did fairness by grouping. So one family had one kid, one had two, and one had three. So the limit was - pulling a number out of thin air - $100 per family. So the only kid got a $100 gift from each family, the two-kids each got a $50 gift, and the three-kids each got a $33 gift. Which seems reasonable from an adult perspective (each family spent the same amount of money) - but seeing one kid get much nicer gifts than the other kids, from a kid perspective, was a little odd.

[zizibet]

Dec 23, 2023 10:31:41 GMT -5 whattheheck said:

Growing up we did fairness by grouping. So one family had one kid, one had two, and one had three. So the limit was - pulling a number out of thin air - $100 per family. So the only kid got a $100 gift from each family, the two-kids each got a $50 gift, and the three-kids each got a $33 gift. Which seems reasonable from an adult perspective (each family spent the same amount of money) - but seeing one kid get much nicer gifts than the other kids, from a kid perspective, was a little odd.

                                      This suggestion got floated once, but was shot down in favor of a limit per kid- I think because of the family size disparity at the time. Honestly, we just shop really carefully and have been lucky to give good gifts without nearing the max generally. 

[sillygoosegirl]

Dec 23, 2023 10:31:41 GMT -5 whattheheck said:

Growing up we did fairness by grouping. So one family had one kid, one had two, and one had three. So the limit was - pulling a number out of thin air - $100 per family. So the only kid got a $100 gift from each family, the two-kids each got a $50 gift, and the three-kids each got a $33 gift. Which seems reasonable from an adult perspective (each family spent the same amount of money) - but seeing one kid get much nicer gifts than the other kids, from a kid perspective, was a little odd.

I haven't explicitly discussed this with my SIL, but she seems to 100% be this way. Like we buy one or two things for each of her 3 kids, spend maybe $30-$40 on each of them. And then she showers my one kid with a bajillion gifts. I *really* wish she wouldn't. We don't see each other for Christmas normally, so the cousins don't know, but it's frickin ridiculous. My kid doesn't need that much stuff. Even if my SIL was the only person buying her gifts, I think it would be borderline too much.

I'd think maybe I'm supposed to buy more, but she also complains about her kids having too much stuff and has even occassionally told us, "Please don't send anything for _____ kid this year, we had to hold back some of their presents last year because there were just too many things. Don't worry, there will still be something under the tree from you." And I'm definitely afraid that if I give her kids more, she's gonna triple it coming back to my kid. Maybe it's a conversation we should have...

(My child is their only neice or nephew, and their 3 are the only neices and nephews we buy for... I decided to just stop with gifts for my adult nephews a while back. So it's not like any of this is multiplied by a big family. Thank goodness!)

[heygrey]

Let us know what you end up doing.

I would give it to her from H and I. H found it, he should get the credit for the gift. The original price is within the agreed budget, it really doesn't matter what it's worth on the resale market.