If your teen girl has ADHD what were the signs?

[Jalapeñomel]

I'm sorry she's struggling.

I think this could be a lot of things: ADHD, OCD, Depression, anxiety

Or it could be none of those things and just teenage hormone stuff.

I think your best bet is to talk with your doctor and get a referral to a specialist, and I hope you get some answers for her.

[abs]

Thanks. Deleted the details. The TLDR didn’t read is being a teenage girl is awful and mental health is stressful.

[Jalapeñomel]

Jan 11, 2024 8:51:19 GMT -5 abs said:

Thanks. Deleted the details. The TLDR didn’t read is being a teenage girl is awful and mental health is stressful.

I'm so sorry. I'm not looking forward to these years...I think people also forget how hard it is to raise a teenager! 

[cville]

I didn't catch the OP, but these were some of our signs. She was diagnosed in 7th grade, but many of these in retrospect showed up much earlier.

-Slow verbal language processing in conversation, yet off the charts high verbal test scores and very articulate linguistic expression.

-Constant small fidgets. Not "typical" not able to sit in a chair, more like bouncing a foot or knee, knuckle cracking, finger tapping, etc.

-Need for reminders for daily routine tasks or getting back on track mid task. Like, brush your teeth. When you turn on the shower, don't leave the bathroom and go read a book GET INTO THE SHOWER and clean yourself.

-Saying/doing things at inappropriate times. She's a good kid and was typically quiet in class. But we started getting notes from teachers like "she was muttering to herself loudly that this is boring," "she told me the assignment didn't make sense and therefore was a waste of time," "she was listening to music on her headphones and looking out the window when the class was supposed to be quietly working," etc. She wasn't, like, flipping off the teacher and throwing books. Just saying and doing things seemingly without thought of consequences. In retrospect, never from teachers during the first half of the day and always from the second half of the day--regardless of subject.

-One I thought was just teen being teen, but has improved MARKEDLY with ADHD medication and CBT therapy: Awful outbursts out of nowhere where she got absolutely fixated on an idea and wouldn't let it go. But something small. Like we said no to going ice skating with a friend because we had plans. Just an endless relentless outburst of why why why why why you haven't told me why (we had).

[erbear]

I didn't catch your original post but my 9th grade DD was diagnosed in 5th grade with ADHD. Middle school was manageable. High school, thus far, is an epic shitshow and it's frustrating as hell. Happy to talk more if you want.

[abs]

cville, yeah the subtle moving is definitely DD. And me!! Like constantly twirling hair, tapping a foot, doodling, etc.

Anyway DD is definitely going through something. I got uncomfortable with the details of what led us here but she is starting therapy for suspected depression next week. Last night DD brought up that she thinks she has ADHD and I really wonder! I plan on bringing it up at her 13 y/o appt next week. Not a lot of classic symptoms but she is a huge perfectionist and is having a very hard time feeling like she’s good enough. She can’t concentrate in class unless it’s super quiet, she can’t focus on non preferred subjects (like she will do extra homework in math but cannot read an assigned book in ELA because it makes her break down), she’s having a hard time keeping it together at home because she puts all her energy into school. I don’t know. Her grades are still good but she’s losing motivation. At this point I don’t know what is what. Is it depression? Depression caused by ADHD? Just 13? I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing or how to help.

[mrsGreeko]

I didn’t see the original post. My DD was diagnosed with ADHD right before she turned 16.

Early signs were always cracking knuckles or bouncing her leg, not being able to fall asleep, needing constant reminders and being constantly forgetful, constant issues with friendships, she was just a lot from a young age, but we didn’t really know any better because she was our first. She’s also IDed as GT so she masked really really well since school came fairly easily.

In 8th grade things started going sideways. Impulsivity started to become more of an issue (things like cutting and some other behavioral things), the inability to sit in class became an issue, and ultimately depression set in. Depression makes it hard to understand if there is ADHD present apparently.

Her youngest brother was diagnosed with ADHD combined type in there and it was a bit of a lightbulb moment as I started to read about it. Also, then understanding the genetic components of it. DH most likely has undiagnosed ADHD. I definitely do not have ADHD. Two of our three children have ADHD, one does not. The two that do have so many similar traits compared to the one that does not.

It was a long, difficult road with her and trying to figure her out and get her the right kind of help. It was exhausting and stressful as her parent. But, eventually we got her the right help and she’s doing a lot better.

[circa1978]

First off, hugs, because I've been on both sides of this. It's hard to get that call from school (we got it last year) and to start mental health care but the experts will figure it out! I have a boy teen with ADHD but I was a girl teen with ADHD, and have two nieces with similar presentation to what I had. Some signs for me:

+ Extreme hyperfocus on tasks that interested me and seemingly inability to learn/do things that didn't. *Frequently* being told I wasn't applying myself and that I had so much unrealized potential. (Fuck those people, BTW.)
+ Being "irresponsible" according to my parents compared to other kids my age but this mostly boiled down to losing things constantly and having trouble with doing anything by rote - remembering homework, dates, chores. Difficulty with details.
+ Struggling to prioritize being tidy personally - my hair, my room, my bookbag/locker/desk.
+ Domamine chasing through eating and in later teen/20s risk-taking
+ Overly sensitive/rejection dysphoria
+ Very talkative/having trouble waiting for my turns in conversations/impulsive. I remember the day I realized other people really did think before they spoke 😂 It was life-changing.


I also have OCD and anxiety and that was totally different, presentation-wise. For OCD, signs were trying to control things that are uncontrollable through my thoughts or actions, having "bad" thoughts or thinking that me thinking or doing something could cause something to happen, obsessive fear of sickness/health anxiety, and extremely disordered eating. I sometimes joke that my ADHD and OCD balance each other out, but it's actually, interestingly fairly common for them to present together.


Most of this I've addressed through medication and lots and lots of therapy. For ADHD in particular, I've found the coping skills I've developed mostly handle it, though I've still been pulled over more than any other adult I know for having expired plates on my car. 😂

[abs]

mrsGreeko, a lot of that really rings true. I don't think DD has experimented with cutting but if she has I wouldn't be surprised because I know she's really hurting. She has really made her identity perfect grades and now that school is getting more challenging she doesn't know how to handle it. It amazes me because she can remember every school detail just fine but she gets home and it's like a surprise every night that she needs to clean her sink out after brushing her teeth. She needs reminders to charge her Chromebook. Like looking at it she is successful at school but I think I do a lot to make sure she is successful. I think her teachers would be surprised because she is a people pleaser and doesn't act out but who knows.

circa1978 I was never diagnosed with ADHD but I am a billion percent sure I have it. If I had a penny for every time someone told me I just wasn't applying myself I'd be a millionaire. So very helpful, lol. Once things stopped coming easily to me I would just give up and move on to something else. I never learned good coping skills so I want to make sure I do better for DD. What you say rings true, too. DD's backpack is a freaking disaster. There are candy wrappers, wrinkled papers, I don't even know. She knows where everything is though. And she has never put a ton of energy into how she looks. Like she's 13 and I still have to remind her to wipe her mouth sometimes. She copes by saying she doesn't care about fitting in and being different but I also know that is a complete lie.

She does have good friends. She does have a teacher at school she really trusts and has been like a mentor to her. She has some good things happening but she's asked for help and I definitely see cracks starting to get bigger and bigger in her life.

[mrsGreeko]

abs - I was doing so much to help my DD be successful and mostly I didn’t even realize that some of the things I was doing was not helpful in the long run. Things like harping on missing assignments before she even knew about them and had a chance to deal with it on her own. The hazard of constant updates from infinite campus. The “help” I was giving also bred resentment. DD also didn’t actually start self harming with cutting, it was more like rug burn, still not totally sure how she was doing the harming, but it moved to cutting at some point.

I will also mention that while dealing with DD’s mental health issues I was really struggling with my own feelings of inadequacy I guess you could say in my job as a parent and I felt incredibly alone while everyone else appeared to have perfect children who got perfect grades and did 3 sports and wanted to be alive, etc etc. Therapy for ME was also immensely helpful during that time.

[circa1978]

mrsGreeko , oh the sleep is a good one. Both DS and I struggle with sleep/insomnia.

I totally sympathize with your last two sentences. Even though *I* have the same diagnosis as my child, it still felt like every other parent had these perfect kids who didn't melt down during transitions or enjoyed family vacations or wasn't struggling in school. And that felt like it was doubly my fault somehow. Our head of school (principal) at one point during his diagnosis was like, "listen, you are up in your feelings and that's fine but YOU HAVE NO IDEA what's going on with these other kids. Everyone looks like their kid has it together on the outside but *trust me* they do not." It was a helpful come to jesus moment, because especially in our private school there was very much a vibe for me of "my kid's the problem" and she was like, lol, nooooo.

[waverly]

Some of the things you are writing hint at both ADHD and depression. Perfectionists can trend towards depression. We still have to remind both our kids to charge chromebooks and clean up after themselves, so that seems in the normal category to me.

DS doesn't have ADHD but is on the cusp of it, and does have EF delays such as the messy locker and backpack situation. I assisted with some of that, but we got a tutor for executive function and subject areas, and she has helped so much with the organization factor. DS requires direct instruction, so for example part of their session yesterday was how to professionally email a teacher.

He checks for missing assignments on his own, but was missing stuff because he actually did the assignment but didn't hit submit, so we did a checklist for checking for missing assignments. For example, assignment was completed and not submitted, not listed as missing- but listed as an F with zero points - DS that means you didn't turn it in!  

ETA- the school is planning to evaluate the EF next year, so that is why we haven't gone ahead with a private eval at this time.  We started at the lowest level of intervention which was the tutor and are stable with that intervention.  

[keyslover]

Seconding what everyone else has said with symptoms. DD12 is in 7th grade and recently diagnosed with ADHD-inattentive. She also has anxiety- which really that nasty bugger just likes to attach itself to any neurodivergent issue. It is curious if the anxiety stems from the inability to focus and fear of missing out or just stand alone.

She just started therapy and meds last week, reading the pre med evaluations from the teachers are funny. Her favorite class would have never guessed she has ADHD. She is on point in that class, it helps there really is no homework.

For her: CONSTANT reminders of doing things from showering to homework. I felt like we were/are ALWAYS late to things because "oh I forgot. . ." and then while going to do or get x, she gets sidetracked and doesn't something else.

Fidgety, likes fidgets and will make anything into one. Also doodles a lot.

Messy, this is tough for me because she wants to much to be organized and it all just falls apart.

Food/Body issues (We are uber careful about this topic)- she is rounder than most of her friends and is self conscious about it. *she had some injuries that didn't' help since she was super inactive for over a year* With ADHD we talked about impulsivity and food choices. She let me know her healthy snacks that she likes and I make sure I have them at the ready for grabbing.

Friends: she has some, people like her. She is not wanting to get super involved because she is afraid of making a fool of herself.

She is also wicked smart and creative.


I also think that I have undiagnosed ADHD, only realizing it after thinking most of the things DD2 did was "normal" and learning they were ADHD things. I have adjusted and made my own tools to help me get by. I hope that she can learn tools earlier and more effectively than I did.

And please do not discount that teens are hard! Middle school is rough.

[cville]

Also. My kid has anxiety. And so do I. And I've been assessed for ADHD as an adult. Those things overlap, too. And I was dismissive of her early struggles because a lot of her stuff was "normal" to me. Like, I too can be absent-minded, am always late, and have intrusive thoughts, but I hauled myself through school and life, so suck it up, kid.

PDQ: ****

[rootbeerfloat]

I didn't see the OP, but DD struggled with her mental health in 7th grade - anxiety/OCD, depression, self-harm, suicidal ideation. She also refused therapy/meds, though going through the motions of trying them maybe helped a little. But it was rough as a parent trying to find services/providers.

[mrsukyankee]

I had anxiety and ADD (no hyperactivity). I was very smart so no one had a clue that there was something going on, plus I'm old and it just wasn't a thing to look for. I drifted a lot. I doodled. I had to write something if I wanted to connect to the material. I learned best by movement and doing. Along with my social anxiety, I would peace out in conversations - just walk away because my brain would get all jumbled with other thoughts and, in my mind, the conversation was done. I could NOT raise my hand in class, or give good presentation. I lost everything all the time. I was absent minded. I was in my head all the time . And I was able to hyper focus on certain things - one time I was reading and my father yelled my name right next to my head. Didn't hear a thing.

Being a teenager is awful and more awful than when I was a teen. So many pressures, so many issues with social media. It's hard to distinguish the issues for teens, be it ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc. They get wrapped up in each other a lot of times. If something is going on, you are noticing a change, get your kid to a doctor or therapist. It can't hurt.

[abs]

Seems so common that mental health issues are really exposed in junior high. Makes sense. It’s just when life gets tougher and expectations sky rocket. It’s so hard to watch though. I miss the days of being able to fix things with a hug and a snack. I’ve never felt more incompetent in my life.

I will say she’s a pretty good self advocate at school. She has no problems emailing teachers with questions and generally turns things in on time. I suspect there are a million reminders there though because junior high kids ARE forgetful. Makes it tough to know what is normal and what isn’t.

We will figure it out. Our pediatrician is amazing and has walked these shoes with her own daughter. She’s got great recommendations and referrals and DD trusts her. I suspect finding a good therapist will take time but we will see. I guess I just don’t know what to address first. If therapy isn’t enough do we add antidepressant? Do we try to get an ADHD evaluation and address that first? Is one through our pediatrician good enough? It’s all just guessing and so hard.

I will say in talking to friends this is so common. I know so many girls with ADHD and eating disorders and low self esteem. Even the ones that seem perfect aren’t. It’s heartbreaking. No one talks about it though on their own. We’ve come a long way but there is still such a stigma. Ironically the teens themselves seem more open to each other.

Thanks to everyone sharing their stories. I’m sorry it’s such a struggle for so many of us.

[leahcar]

abs, my 15 yo DD has ADHD, but also- anxiety, depression, and she's on the autism spectrum. She was first diagnosed at 7. Way back then- they told us that anxiety and ADHD co-present and to treat them like a seesaw. We didn't SEE that until middle school though.

If you need any local recs, LMK! She sees a psychiatrist for her meds and we love our therapist; both are in our area. Our ped helped with referrals, but they don't prescribe any sort of mental health medications. (YMMV because my best friend's son- at the same practice- gets his ADHD meds from them. But yet they won't prescribe anything for anxiety or depression)

[tiki]

I was not diagnosed until adulthood, but looking back there were definitely tell-tale signs:
- All my spaces (bedroom, locker) were a total disaster at all times and I lost important things regularly. I once almost lost my shoes because I didn't have them on yet getting in the car, put them on the roof, and forgot them there as we drove off.
- So much procrastination. I did homework for period 3 during period 2. I studied for first period exams in the car on the way to school that day. 
- I did well in difficult classes as long as I found them interesting. Boring/tedious classes were actually harder
- I didn't have a lot of close friendships. I just couldn't effectively invest in relationships with more than one or two people successfully
- I had a ton of anxiety and was not a happy teen. I was not a danger to myself, but I wish I'd had a therapist and access to mental health care.

[waverly]

abs, You may want to take steps in all directions just because of waiting lists to get into therapy or psych evals. You would get on waiting lists and the order of what happens may depend on the doctor office's timeline. I have heard that is easier for kids to access therapy if they are on the right medication for them, so if you start therapy first and aren't succeeding then you may succeed once meds are added.

My thought is that you are putting together pieces of the puzzle, so it will all come together eventually, but there isn't a magic piece that is first or if there is you've already done it (pediatrician).

[pinkdutchtulips]

Mine was dx'd at 13 and here were the signs:

Mind you some of these signs appeared as early as 5 but the school was dismissive of testing bc she was one of the youngest in her class (mid july bday w a 9/1 kinder cut-off, no option to hold back).

- inability to follow multi-part instructions
- inability to pay attention for an extended about of time
- inability to follow simple directions
- impulsive, disruptive behavior 
- staying fixated on a topic until she understands it and oblivious to everything else until she does
- careless behavior (swinging objects in class w.o regard for if it hurts someone)
- inattention to the point where it has affected her academically (failed all 3 levels of middle school, still got passed along to HS (academic skill set is at mid 5th grade and she's in 9th now *face palm*))
- SEVERELY lacking in executive function skills .. like zero. 

She also has been dx'd with ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) and DMDD (Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder) which are common co-dx w ADHD. Both are a struggle bc the ODD means she does not listen to ANYONE in an authority position. She does what she wants, when she wants w/o consideration for anyone. Rules are not followed or they simply don't apply to her, nothing is ever her fault.  The DMDD goes w the ODD in that she's incapable of regulating her emotions. Something that is a mere annoyance to us, is the end of the world to her and holy meltdown. She's constantly angry and/or irritable over what would be considered nothing to most people. A simple question of 'how much longer before you are ready (for school)' results in her yelling and cussing at me. 

She has an IEP & BIP and we're pursuing an IEE bc they failed to address the behavioral issues that are causing the school refusal issues that make her IEP worthless. If she's not at school, how are they to implement her IEP & BIP ?!? 

[pinkdutchtulips]

Jan 11, 2024 12:32:09 GMT -5 waverly said:

abs , You may want to take steps in all directions just because of waiting lists to get into therapy or psych evals. You would get on waiting lists and the order of what happens may depend on the doctor office's timeline. I have heard that is easier for kids to access therapy if they are on the right medication for them, so if you start therapy first and aren't succeeding then you may succeed once meds are added.

My thought is that you are putting together pieces of the puzzle, so it will all come together eventually, but there isn't a magic piece that is first or if there is you've already done it (pediatrician).

I second this approach. 

Miss R has been good about seeing her therapist weekly for 6 months now BUT for the deeper therapy she needs (to address ACE and trauma issues) she has to be medicated for the therapy to work. We went through 4 therapists in 4 years to address her issues before the school got involved with their assessment (figured out the inattention disability) then I found a wonderful pedi (who had an ADHD child herself) who got us on track w the Vandy Survey and the definitive dx 3 months later.  The dx that came as ZERO surprise to us. It took us FIVE years to get to that point. 

[jlt19]

Mine hasn’t been officially dx, but I’m pretty sure she has it, so we’re trying some EF skills at this point. She HAS been officially dx with Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Disorder, GAD, and unspecified mood disorder, not to rule out ODD. All since last March.

She’s seen therapists for her anxiety/panic attacks off and on since 2019. It wasn’t until last year, 7th grade, that I really pushed for medicine because she just wasn’t following the tips and coping skills. She would throw tantrums like a 2 year old over nothing and put herself into a panic attack. But yet, you’d NEVER know she was anything other than a funny, social, gifted, athletic teen if you saw her away from home.

2 months after being on Zoloft she started talking about suicidal ideations. It quickly escalated from the psychiatrist to intensive outpatient therapy to inpatient. I don’t know if she actually ever harmed herself. She said she did and she threatened suicide and I wasn’t waiting to call her bluff.

It was her second inpatient stay that the idea of ADHD came up from the attending psychiatrist. It made so much sense. I was dx as an adult, but she is my mini-me (minus the funny, social part). DS was dx at 3.5, though not medicated until 6. STBX too, but both males are “typical” in their presentment. She and I are impulsive as well but it just looks different.

She’s been on Celexa since May and it’s been really great for her outbursts. She’s pleasant to be around (still has her teen moments), doesn't fight as hard to not go to school and wants to be with her friends more.

She still has poor eating/sleeping habits but I’m just not picking those battles right now. She’s still struggling with remembering to turn in assignments, but since she gave up club volleyball this year, it hasn’t stacked up to the point of no return. I honestly think that’s part of how she got where she was last year. I’m obviously keeping better tabs on that, as well.

Sometimes I also wonder if she’s not bipolar as well, or instead of something else she’s been dx with. But really, I just try to focus on making sure she’s in a good place the majority of the time.

I have to remind myself that she’s allowed to have off days where she just wants to stay in bed and listen to Spotify. She’s allowed to have days where my voice makes her cringe. She’s allowed to be a “normal” angsty teen without me thinking she’s spiraling. And after the spring/summer we had together (at one point spent 23 hours in an ER room together), she knows she can come to me with ANYTHING, even if she just told me that I’m the person who makes her want to harm herself, and I will always love and support her.

It’s AWFUL going through this, for both of you. But I truly hope that once things settle, it’ll have brought you closer together.

[jlt19]

OH! And finding a provider…we had to get a referral from the pediatrician. Not because of insurance reasons, but because that was the only way we could get in to a psychiatrist “quickly”. She then told us about the intake are of the hospital, who set us up with the outpatient, who recommended her therapist she sees monthly now.

Navigating all of that sucks too

[sonrisa]

Jan 11, 2024 11:42:20 GMT -5 cville said:

And I was dismissive of her early struggles because a lot of her stuff was "normal" to me.... but I hauled myself through school and life, so suck it up, kid.

This sounds a little too much like me and my eldest. 

[expectantsteelerfan]

I may be overstepping here, but I have 2 kids who have been in therapy for a LONG time now, ds for ADHD since he was 8 (and he's 14 now), and he's gone through 5 different therapists in that time (mostly due to insurance changes and 2 leaving practices), and dd for anxiety.
Your dd sounds a lot like my dd in a LOT of things (I've commented that before on your posts), but I don't think my dd has ADHD (although there's a chance she does, I wouldn't 100% rule it out, she exhibits a number of behaviors that have been mentioned here, but for me the key is that the stuff that was causing her issues was the anxiety). So my point is that even though we've liked most of ds's therapists and found them necessary, dd's therapy for anxiety has been much more intentional, focused, and I would definitely say HELPFUL. She gained clear skills from therapy that have lasted and she has implemented in her daily life that have made a difference. And she has seen 2 therapists, one for general anxiety, and one specifically for OCD, and we found them both helpful. But it was also clear to us when she was working on things that the therapy wasn't enough and it was time to look into medication to help too.

So my advice to you is to find a therapist who specializes in anxiety. You can be honest about all the issues your dd is dealing with and ask for help with everything, but I just found the anxiety-specific therapies much more helpful. And you don't need a specific diagnosis from a doctor in my experience to start therapy. Ours had us fill out an intake form describing what was going on, and if they were taking new patients, they started us based on that. It was different for the OCD specialist, but we had the 1st therapists' recommendation for that.

Trying to set up a psych eval. would probably be a good idea too, but if you can get into therapy ASAP I wouldn't wait on that.

[abs]

Thanks all! We do have a therapy appointment on Monday. You know, if an ice storm doesn’t cancel it!

I honestly don’t think anxiety is an issue but who knows. She wasn’t flagged for that on the initial evaluations the school counselor and pedi did (depression was) but it’s also probably hard for her to see past anything other than the lack of motivation to keep existing this way.

I had to pick her up early yesterday for a dentist appointment and took her to Starbucks first (her favorite). I told her that I know she mentioned ADHD as a throw away but that I had heard her and while I am not qualified at all to diagnosis anything I’d get her to someone that can. I told her I see you and understand that you spend all day at school trying to be perfect for your teachers and friends and come home and collapse from the exhaustion of it all. Like she literally needs an hour before she can talk to us. Her eyes got big and she was like yes that is it exactly. So that’s a starting place.

[abs]

leahcar I’m going to message you this afternoon! I have a few local recs but could always use more!