Your lawyer will help you with the financial paperwork. Example: it can be done w taxes from last year or paystubs if there was a change. Let them know the upcoming raise.
And yes. You are going to need a lawyer. This man has already shown his propensity for emotional abuse. Do not tell him. Find a way to pay for the consult with a way he won’t know. Apply for a card in your name only, if you have to. You need to have the information needed to make financial decisions-like what to do about your home, retirement, health insurance etc.
Do not reveal your next moves or even your thoughts about next moves. A man who emotionally abuses in a partnership will file the information away and use it to manipulate you in a divorce.
ETA don’t ever fall into the trap that asking for money/retirement (that you are entitled to) in a divorce makes you a bad person. You need to keep in mind that you are protecting your future for you/kids.
It sounds like ‘at fault ’ is being conflated here with ‘being responsible for’
Yes, if you are the one who initiates and follows through on the divorce, on some level you are responsible for it - but in this case it sounds like both meanings of the word apply. taking the steps towards a healthier future will make you responsible for the divorce, but is also the responsible nexr step for you and your kids.
Don’t feel guilt about leaving. You HAVE tried, with individual and couples therapy and you still have to walk on eggshells. The marriage isn’t going to get better unless he changes. A podcast or talking about it isn’t going to change him. He could literally string you along for years, guilt tripping you yearly to try again because he listened to another podcast or read one book. He is doing more than he has in the past but it’s the bare minimum to get you to not leave him.
I’m skeptical that individual therapy works for manipulative people unless they have truly acknowledged their behavior and want to change themselves and their relationships. Otherwise the therapist only hears the manipulative person’s side of the story. His individual therapists advice is telling, like they know he’s not willing to change, or he’s made you out to be the bad guy but it’s clearly a toxic relationship that’s not getting better. Or he completely manipulated what they said when he relayed it back to you.
A lot of states have online child support calculators or the formula they use. If you make about the same, one of you could be due a little child support for other reasons (like one of you pays the medical insurance premiums). Even if you separate or file for divorce now, it could take months to be finalized so they could do final child support calculations near the end of the process. You could go back to court and change it anytime you have a reason to but that costs lawyer fees and can sometimes open the door to renegotiate visitation. If a parent intentionally quits a job to avoid paying, a judge typically won’t lessen the amount. Consult with some lawyers and have a plan, before telling him or moving out if you feel you can.
Post by wanderlustmom on Feb 3, 2024 10:25:21 GMT -5
Thinking of you!! It's not okay for him to treat you this way. As a child of divorced parents--OMG I am so glad they divorced! My mom tried everything and put up with lots of cheating and verbal abuse. Counseling did not help. My dad is still not a good man and he's almost 80. He cheats on my stepmom too. I got my modeling of a healthy relationship from my grandparents AND the best thing. my mom was happy and strong and single for many years.