So I told H I'm done.

[mpc]

I told him last night. Once I knew I was sure, I had to just do it, I couldn't keep walking around with that inside. This is so so hard you guys. I feel so sure but then he floods me with doubt. He said that he had decided if I tried to leave again he wouldn't try to change my mind, but that's all he's trying to do. 

He did say he regretted many of the ways he's treated me. And that he's been struggling especially lately as he withdraws from quitting his anxiety meds, so I should give him some grace. which is probably true, but also this isn't new, this has been brewing for years. He offered to go back to individual counseling and for us to try a new marriage counselor. 

Probably half of the conversation though, was him outlining all the ways I have let him down and mistreated him over the years. The times he has wanted to leave but didn't. I don't understand how any of this is supposed to make me want to stay. Maybe he's telling me I should make the same choice as him? I also think there is some anger there at the fact that he was so miserable but didn't leave, and I have the audacity to say I can't stand to live with him anymore. 

He slept on the couch, but moved back to the bedroom when kids woke up this morning. He's acting today like nothing happened. He took the kids out for a couple hours this afternoon, now he is doing the grocery shopping (normally my job). He was talking about getting all the ingredients to make me quiche muffins for my breakfasts. It's like, see how helpful I am, this is what you'll be missing out on.

Honestly when he is not around and I think about it, I know leaving is the right choice. But whenever we talk about it, my resolve crumbles. I am trying so hard to stand firm. I am a Libra, I can't make a decision to save my life. And to have someone spending so much time telling me my decision is wrong... I am not well equipped to handle that. I think I'm going to go tell my parents tomorrow, that will make everything feel more real. 

[mrsukyankee]

Go back and read your first post again...and look at it as if someone else had written it. Think about what you would say to that person.

pandce.proboards.com/thread/640836/another-post-splitting?page=1

[suzubell]

Sending you love and strength. Here’s what I would say if you told me this over coffee….

My H and I have had some real struggles over the years, and moments I wasn’t sure we were going to make it. But I never wanted it to be over beyond being super mad or hopeless in an argument. I have not had an easy marriage, but have never tried to leave my husband 3 times in 18 months. You’re done, my friend. Don’t let him convince you otherwise.

[campermom]

Men have a lot of reasons to want to stay married. When women tell them “that’s it I’m done” and the women actually begin embracing his much better their lives will be, (and hearing from us about how much easier life is without them) THEN they say they’ll go to counseling.

They start to flip the script to a narrative of how awful the woman is.

The woman is forced to be the one to file, so they can point the blame on her as to “why the marriage failed”, knowing full well she is grappling w the decision and has done so much to keep the marriage together. It’s emotional manipulation-flipping it to how it’s all your fault. Read up on DARVO.

And once again, do not show him your cards. This was part of my response to the last post; Do not reveal your next moves or even your thoughts about next moves. A man who emotionally abuses in a partnership will file the information away and use it to manipulate you in a divorce.

I know this isn’t easy. But you cannot take back the information you give him. You need to protect your assets and your emotional well being right now.

[nicolewi]

The part that gets me every time is the part where he tries to make you think everything is your fault. His argument for you not leaving him is only emphasizing the reasons why you probably should leave him.

And then he tries to act like he’s the good guy by doing extra work, and making you muffins or whatever. But those things are fluff; they aren’t addressing the root of the problems!

[heygrey]

I am so proud of you.

Start a journal or a note on your phone and list the reasons you want to leave. When you need reassurance go back and read it. But also, you don't need any reason or justification beyond "I'm done."

Thinking of you in the coming days and weeks as you navigate the separation.

[blondemoment123]

It's so incredibly hard, but that first step seemed to be the hardest. You got this.

[shopgirl07]

He’s a manipulator and an emotional abuser. Unfortunately he’s not going to make this easy for you. Rely on all the support you can, and try to take anything he says with a grain of salt. This is YOUR life! You’ve tried to leave several times, he can’t make you stay.

[scm1011]

I'm so proud of you!!! Him outlining all the ways you supposedly let him down and mistreated him just shows you're making the right choice. So manipulative.

[livinitup]

I don’t know much about your relationship or situation but isn’t this about how you thought it would go?

I hope he can put this new found helpfulness into good co-parenting. It’s what is best for you and your children. You don’t have to be married for him to get his meds managed and to be a good person. That’s a him thing not - being a married thing.

All the best to you. Sounds like a long road ahead. And that’s okay.

[dexteroni]

I’m glad you’re taking the steps you know you want and need to take. Since you know it’s the right thing when he’s not around, and you know he knows how to make you doubt yourself, hopefully that knowledge will be enough for you to take a mental step back when he starts his manipulation and think “I know what you’re trying to do, asshole.” I agree that he’ll probably make this process as difficult as he can for you, but you will be so much better off once you get through this. Wishing you the best!

[Roc A Bee]

I know it’s hard but say it and then follow up with action. Move out. No more long convos. It’s just more time for him to try to gaslight you or make you feel bad.

[heygrey]

Also, I said it in another thread - I cannot wait for an ML 2025 update from all the kick ass women who made changes to support themselves and their children in a better situation.

I am so excited to hear a post update on your life in a year!

[jlt19]

Oh, I feel everything about this so hard. I’m an indecisive Libra that is getting blamed every other day for something about our marriage and its demise.

He is hurt and lashing out. He’s trying to get you to change your mind (I don’t know about you, but pointing out my faults really doesn’t make me feel warm and fuzzy inside). My biggest advice? DO NOT ENGAGE.

He wants a reaction for more ammunition. Or a response to get you involved in a conversation so try to confuse you about what you want. Shut it down.

Set those boundaries and be strong. He’ll try to pull all the tricks but do not let them fool you. Any change in him is temporary. He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

And trust me, I KNOW how difficult that is to do. I STILL am unsure who my husband of 17 years, that I’m divorcing, really is. But it doesn’t matter any more. I am done and doing all I can to keep the peace and get through this quickly and as easily as possible for myself and my kids.

[emilyinchile]

Just another stranger here to tell you that you can do this, and it's going to be so very much for the best.

[pumpkin]

I’m proud of you.
Sending you love and strength.

[campermom]

Through my divorce journey I’ve learned a lot about grey rock and yellow rock. I’ve also heard of the BIFF method. But also wanted to put out another method you should familiarize yourself with is the DEEP acronym. I’m not saying he’s a narcissist but these are strategies to take when you’re dealing w someone who is emotionally manipulative. Make sure you have a good therapist. We are here to support you.

[cville]

Stick to your guns.

[starburst604]

I’m proud of you!! Try to resist the urge to explain anything to him about why. He’ll just continue to twist it around to manipulate you. There’s nothing you can say that you haven’t said before. He’s just in panic mode. He will never change.

[honeydew1894]

I am sorry this is happening, but you are strong and you have made up your mind!!!

[acr]

You got this.

With each day, it will get easier to remember and believe that he doesn’t need to agree with you. You don’t need to convince him you’re done; you can be done.

[HoneySpider]

You've got this!!

[sadlebred]

You are so strong! Don't let him blame this on you!

[Jalapeñomel]

The days are long, but the years are short!

[lucybrown]

He's lovebombing you. And trying to guilt you into staying by telling you all the times he wanted to leave and didn't. I agree with the others that said this sounds exactly as you predicted.

I'm so proud of you. You are so much stronger than you feel right now. It may get worse before it gets better, but soon, you will absolutely flourish. Let him blame you. Keep your cards close to your chest and keep taking small steps forward. Lean on us as much as you need.

[mcmel]

I’m so proud of you. This was the hardest part.

[rhian]

You've got this!

I like the suggestion of writing down your reasons to leave, and pulling them up when his manipulation makes you second guess.

You don't need his consent to end the relationship. It doesn't matter if he thinks you should stay if you know you should leave.

[sparkythelawyer]

All your husband is doing is this:

Husband: “Hey, I know you don’t want to be with me anymore, and you don’t love me the way a spouse should at this point, and you’re desperate to just be rid of me, and you’d be happier rid of me, and I’m like, categorically uninterested in doing anymore than the bare minimum to keep you around and that’s only when I have a gun to my head, and it’s really all your fault anyway, but hey. Here’s a quiche muffin. We’re good now, right bruh?”


Dude. Be done already. Find a lawyer, then a place to stay, then just go. No more self flagellation.

[shauni27]

mpc, sending hugs; you know you have support here and you are doing the right thing, despite how hard it feels. sending love.

[amandakisser]

He's calling your bluff! You've tried to leave three times, and each time he's done this, and you've changed your mind.

He's not trying to make things better. He just knows that when he says and does these things, you come back.

Don't let him do that a fourth time. If someone only changes when you are leaving, it's not because they love you and want to actually change. It's because they know how hard THEIR life will become once you do leave.

Sending lots of love and support, from someone who was in your shoes this exact time last year. It is so, so hard, and I still have my moments, but being out of that situation is so freeing.