I just re-read your post. When you meet with a therapist, they will start off with an assessment. They'll ask you a lot of questions about what is happening now in your life as well as your background history. This is where the therapist gets an idea of what work they may have to do. BE BRUTALLY HONEST. The therapist is not there to judge you. I don't care what my clients says about themselves or others other than to help them get to a place where their lives get better versus worse.
It's going to be uncomfortable. You will not like it a lot of times. You may even feel the urge to run away from it. Don't. See if the discomfort is from opening up to someone about these hard things (like the stuff you wrote up above) or if it's because the therapist isn't a right fit. The only way to get to the other side is to experience discomfort. And it sucks. I've had therapy and it wasn't fun, but I also became such a better person for myself and others because of it. My world expanded when before it was contracting. I came to love therapy despite the discomfort because I was learning and growing. Tell the therapist when you want to bolt, because it's good info for them to know and they can help you through it (I can recognise it often now in clients and I bring it up).
You can do this. Do it for yourself. Grow beyond your original family and all their restrictive rules. Your brain is working so hard to try to protect you and it's not working for you right now. Therapy will help.
Post by litskispeciality on Feb 7, 2024 9:20:06 GMT -5
I want to clarify that I'm 110% supportive of Counseling and envious of those who have great counselors/relationships. I feel like my posts are shaming those who use counseling because you have to keep it private, and that's not the case. I enjoy when folks disclose that they're in counseling, or share a tip they heard from their counselor, however I would never ask or make someone disclose that.
I called my EAP yesterday and before I spoke with someone they had a long message telling you (the employee/client) that EVERYTHING is confidential unless there's a concern for self- or harm to others (paraphrasing here.) Once I spoke to a human they reiterated this again. This was really comforting based on my concerns before, and concerns that if I say something about my job to a service provided by my job that it won't get back to my boss or company etc. Also that my company won't know I used the service, although they should be happy I'm using my employee benefits.
I don't have advice, but I wanted to say that I am proud of you for recognizing this about yourself. It is so hard to fight back against what has been ingrained in us in our childhoods, and the fact that you see that is an amazing step. You got this!
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
Post by jennistarr1 on Feb 7, 2024 10:19:27 GMT -5
Start with the insurance company or see if there is more info about those 6 free sessions (I'm wondering if this is an Employee assistance program which does extend to dependents and is a great starting point--your company may have one too)
And it may take a few tries to find the "right" therapist...but part of that process is you learning more about what you need from a therapist to find a good fit so it's a necessary process though it may feel frustrating
I just re-read your post. When you meet with a therapist, they will start off with an assessment. They'll ask you a lot of questions about what is happening now in your life as well as your background history. This is where the therapist gets an idea of what work they may have to do. BE BRUTALLY HONEST. The therapist is not there to judge you. I don't care what my clients says about themselves or others other than to help them get to a place where their lives get better versus worse.
It's going to be uncomfortable. You will not like it a lot of times. You may even feel the urge to run away from it. Don't. See if the discomfort is from opening up to someone about these hard things (like the stuff you wrote up above) or if it's because the therapist isn't a right fit. The only way to get to the other side is to experience discomfort. And it sucks. I've had therapy and it wasn't fun, but I also became such a better person for myself and others because of it. My world expanded when before it was contracting. I came to love therapy despite the discomfort because I was learning and growing. Tell the therapist when you want to bolt, because it's good info for them to know and they can help you through it (I can recognise it often now in clients and I bring it up).
You can do this. Do it for yourself. Grow beyond your original family and all their restrictive rules. Your brain is working so hard to try to protect you and it's not working for you right now. Therapy will help.
This is true and really, really wise.
When I read the op..and the question of "what kind of therapist/therapy?" I'm a little like, "another question that pops out is..."What will keep ME going?"
You said you went twice then stopped bc it was so uncomfortable. Well, your beliefs and past have set the stage for exploration to be uncomfortable.
It sounds like counseling will really challenge some of your foundational beliefs: being honest with the counselor about your beliefs and skepticism and how it makes you feel will help them support you.
He can't drink alcohol outside the home or have female friends?
It sounds like this man could use a separation while you fix yourself, because it sounds to me like he's being abused. By you.
If a woman came here saying the same thing the chorus would tell her to sprint in the other direction! He shouldn't be held to different standards because he's a man.
He is showing you an enormous amount of grace by still sticking with you. Maybe he doesn't see himself as a victim, but if he's in therapy maybe he does and he's building up to taking a stand for himself.
Who the fuck cares about what your family thinks of going to therapy? It's that or lose your marriage.
This is such a big step in getting help and I want to applaud you for that. Changing our thoughts and perceptions that we grew up with is hard. You are definitely not alone in growing up with an idea that therapy was just not a thing to do. I was also brought up that way and after years of my own very positive experiences with therapy (and I had to try out a few clinicians before I was able to find the one who I connected with), I became a therapist myself.
If you have access to an EAP, I'd start there. Usually you can do a primary session for free and you have an option to feel out different therapists. Also, many therapists offer a 15-30 minute phone consultation to see if you think their style my be a good fit for you (of course, you have to know what you're looking for so that can be tricky).
You say you are committed to getting therapy to help your marriage but I would challenge you to look at getting therapy because you want it for yourself. Therapy is a process and not something where you'll see results in "10 sessions or fewer" (i.e. not a quick fix). When you find a therapist you think you might connect with, give it 3-5 sessions. The first session is almost always a lengthy assessment and then you need a few sessions just to build rapport and trust.
You're doing a good thing and I wish you so much luck!
P.S. I would not go see the same therapist as your husband is seeing and likely that therapist may not see you concurrently as it could create a dual relationship (a definite no-no in therapist land).
Post by litskispeciality on Feb 8, 2024 10:01:08 GMT -5
PDQ PDQ
To AJL ,'s point about seeing different therapists, I tried to see the same counselor as my husband once because he (VERY therapy adverse) raved about what she could do for him. She wasn't allowed, wouldn't do it I'm not sure, to speak with me because she could breach my husband's privacy. Even if we have different sessions she could accidently let something slip that he said about me in a private, confidential session. I was bummed I couldn't work with her, but appreciated knowing "why" we can't use the same person. I would certainly want the same privacy for myself.
To further support using someone different, there's a counseling place in my area that says they specialize in first responders. I have a lot of feelings about them because I've tried to use them as a spouse, and they just don't make time for us or families (obviously individual and family issues "never" go together ::eye roll:. Anyway, I know someone who was married to a first responder who went to marriage counseling there. She said they'd meet as a couple, then individually, and then go back together again. The counselor would share what the woman said privately to her husband. I didn't get the sense she was made aware this could happen (nor should it). This is not only unprofessional and a violation, but it was a safety risk. I'm glad this woman shared that with me in case DH and I wanted to try this service together.
ETA: Most couples counseling or individual counseling situations won't be that unprofessional, but that situation right there really drove home why you need to see your own individual people even if you talk about therapy with your s/o.
Post by wanderlustmom on Feb 8, 2024 13:11:52 GMT -5
Thinking of you! I also had a traumatic childhood and that's part of the reason I became a therapist myself, trust me. I have had therapy a few times and my current therapist and I are going on four years. It's been absolutely life changing. My family that really needs therapy will not go and I am so much better with my boundaries with them.
And as a counselor, a lot of my clients don't even tell their spouses they are in therapy. A lot of people worry what they talk about will come out but I go all over that in the first session. Unless you are risk to yourself or someone else, I can keep everything confidential. Its also okay if you don't click with a therapist. A lot has to line up to be a right fit. I also tell them I won't say hello to them if we run into each other out of therapy.
I think it’s really good that you are aware of yourself and want to do better. It’s not always easy to do that. What I would suggest in what you said in your post is to look for a trauma therapist for yourself. It sounds like with certain things you mentioned, that type of therapy would be beneficial to work with and be able to dive a little deeper. And I would suggest having a therapist separate from your husband, but also have a marriage counselor for you both.
A book I also have come across and you may find useful is “Us” by Terrence Real, plus any other books you may find in topic of codependency, communication, emotional intelligence, and trauma may also be worth looking through.
You are already VERY self aware of what some of your issues are and that is great. You're going to need to learn to sit with the discomfort of therapy. That is a really normal feeling especially as you build rapport with your therapist.
It is within your power to stop the generational cycle of abuse and toxicity. It won't be easy but it can be done. Nobody needs to know you are seeing a counselor. It is not a betrayal of your family of origin, what they think about it DOES NOT MATTER. They never need to know.
Be really honest with the therapist about your behaviors, your thought processes, your struggle with discomfort, and your desire to learn how to have a healthy relationship with your husband but also yourself.
Hi, are you related to my people? I grew up in a similar environment except it was my mom dishing out the toxicity and it was all directed to me. My younger brother was somehow spared. I now realize that growing up being told that I was always wrong made me a people pleaser. They also don't believe in medication or therapy. Some of their physician friends came to the US and became practicing psychiatrists. I still remember the comments and snickering of "oh, he's a doctor for crazy people." One of their friends was an internal medicine physician who took his own adult son's medications away for schizophrenia (son was 18 or 19 so a young adult). The son disappeared soon after and was presumed dead. Then I met my in-laws in my late 20s and they were exactly the same way! My husband grew up always being told he was wrong and wouldn't amount to anything, and now he has no empathy, expresses the wrong emotions in a given situation and has an alcohol abuse problem. It took me until COVID to learn what generational trauma is. At first I was like "what is this made up theory?" Now that I've done more reading and thinking, that is exactly what we are experiencing, generational trauma.
The first time my brother tried to set a boundary with me, I was like "what are you doing?" When you've never experienced a boundary or seen what it means to respect one, it can be jarring to have it brought to your face like that. After some discussion with him, I understood what he was trying to do. I have tried setting boundaries with my spouse and sometimes my mom. They never respect them and continually violate them with no remorse.
It is very hard to break the cycle. I think it is important to acknowledge that you have realized your issues and that these issues are causing a problem in the marriage. That is huge!
Therapy is one way to approach change. I would go with an open mind as it can only help and not hurt. But there are other things you can do. You can read self-help books. You can be self-aware and try yourself to break the habit. You can lean on your husband for support to help you through this. Again, it is very very hard to change our habits and break the cycle. But deep inside I am an eternal optimist and feel that if you truly want to change and be a better person, you can do the hard work and accomplish it. You didn't mentioned if you have kids. I do not want my kids to grow up with the thought patterns and behaviors that we (their dad and I) or their grandparents harbor. They need to be free from this. That is why I try hard to be better. I'm not perfect. I got so mad at my daughter yesterday when she was giving us attitude about not doing her tutoring homework. A few hours later I apologized to her, something our parents and my husband will NEVER do. Small things like that.
Another thing to consider is to go to a psychiatrist and try some medication to help with the anxiety. My spouse and 3/4 of the grandparents could all benefit from some psych meds. Of course they will never get the help they need. I have been seeing the same psychiatrist now for 9 years and she really gets me. I take a medication for depression and it makes such a HUGE difference for me. Our visits are 30 - 45 minutes about every 8 weeks. There is some talking in addition to medication management. So it's not full blown therapy but it's a small enough dose of talking to a professional and I like it. I have done some therapy with a psychologist and I get it, it's hard. It feels weird because these behaviors have become your baseline normal and now you have to talk about them as abnormal. I had to stop with my last person because I could not align my schedule with hers. I plan to resume later this year. I don't feel lost though since I see my psychiatrist regularly enough.
Your family does not need to know about going to therapy or taking medication if it comes to that. It's part of breaking the cycle. With my family and the in-laws, they wholeheartedly believe in blood tests and taking medication to control things that are found to be abnormal in a blood test. If a similar test existed for our neurochemistry and was totally normalized, they would be all about that too. It's because it doesn't exist that they think that their toxic behaviors are totally normal.