Need advice- therapy question

[applecrispy]

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[flygirl]

Oh girl, part of the reason I was estranged from my parents for many years is because they found out that I was going to a therapist. I just found someone who specialized in family issues. I went because I realized, partially because I wasn’t like most people and because it was impacting my marriage and my relationship with my child. I in no way wanted my child to grow up thinking he wasn’t good enough or uncared for as was the case in my family. Oddly my son is one of the most empathetic people I know where I just thought the people/person did something to cause their own situation. You need to find someone you’re comfortable talking to so if the first one doesn’t seem like a good fit, try a couple of sessions before you give up but also find someone else. I honestly wish therapy would become a covered benefit because I know I need more and it was helpful. Go in with an open mind and don’t hold back (I burst into tears and I’m not a crier when the therapist asked me why I was there but I knew I needed help).

[mala]

My dad is like your dad. I had such anxiety telling H I scheduled my first appointment because I was expecting him to react like my dad would have. (He didn't, he was incredibly supportive.) I absolutely understand where you're coming from on that front.

I literally just filled out a form online for a therapy office I'd heard good things about who happened to take my insurance. The intake coordinator just gave me the first person who had an opening. I lucked out and we've clicked very well. Part of the first discussion was that if I felt like we weren't a good match or I needed a different kind of therapist she would switch me to someone who matched better or help me find someone else. A good therapist should help you find someone who "fits" rather than continuing when you don't mesh. You are not locked into whoever you get first, is my point, and if you need to go through a few therapists to find someone you feel comfortable with, that is ok, and somewhat expected. They can also help if you think you need a different type or style of therapy. There's no rule that you have to stick with the first person you see.

First appointment was all intake questions. Asking about family dynamics, what issues specifically brought me in, past assaults and trauma (without needing to go into details), etc. Second appointment we made goals and she suggested I start a list of things I need to talk about or work through. I'm the only one who has the list, it's a digital file on google drive, but I made notes about things I wanted to talk about: birthday, homework, sibling favoritism, executive dysfunction, etc. I've been seeing her weekly for three months now, we have touched on several things, talked about two in depth, and there's still about a dozen things on my list. Point being it's not locked in, and some other shit has come up since that's taken priority.

You got this. It's going to be hard, not going to lie, but you can do this. You need to do this. Not for anyone else, not for your husband or your marriage, but for YOU.

[mala]

Feb 6, 2024 9:38:45 GMT -5 flygirl said:

(I burst into tears and I’m not a crier when the therapist asked me why I was there but I knew I needed help).

I did too. I was (still am) a hot mess. It was so embarrassing, but she literally didn't care, just waited until I could talk again.

[wanderingback]

Good for you for recognizing you need help.
Since insurance is such a barrier to care it would probably be a good idea to start with a list of therapists that are covered by your insurance. You can usually search for that online. After that, you can comb through their websites to get a feel for if you think they would be a good fit. They’ll usually have info about the type of care they provide. That’s personally how I did it when I was looking for therapy for marriage a long time ago and how I’ve helped people find therapists. Getting a personal recommendation can also be helpful if you’re part of any local groups, on Facebook you can post anonymously. But again it does suck if someone is recommended but then your insurance doesn’t cover so that’s why I usually start with insurance options first.

As far as how to start, you could print out what you typed here and go with that as an intro and your goals and then it’s the therapist’s job to help with that. There are different types of therapy depending on what the problems are and the goals so they can help with figuring that out. Not everyone is a good fit at first, so don’t get discouraged!

[fortnightlily]

Recognizing that it is worth trying therapy and asking this question is a great first step!

www.psychologytoday.com is a good resource for finding licensed therapists. Many do not take insurance directly, but you may be able to file for some reimbursement from your insurer yourself. It is a totally normal and acceptable part of the process that you may need to try out a few different ones to find one who you really click with and is a good fit for you. Many offer free 15 minute consultation phone calls.

There are also lower-cost, online sites where you pay a monthly fee and they match you with a therapist based on a questionnaire (but it's very easy to click a button and ask to get paired with someone else). Betterhelp.com, Talkspace, etc. My friends in the industry are a little skeptical of those services and think you're better off finding someone local, but it could be a good way to test the waters, find out what kind of style therapist you like, etc. But I had another friend who found a therapist she likes who takes her insurance on www.joinuplift.co.

[DotAndBuzz]

It's huge that you recognize that you need help, and that you *want* to work on yourself. That's really a big step, so be proud of yourself for even being able to acknowledge that. Truly.

I would look at psychologytoday.com for a therapist who takes your insurance, and you can also sort by area of focus. May also be a good idea to check in with your PCP about whether any sort of prescription would be advisable, if anxiety and depression are factors that need to be considered in your treatment plan.

Also, your parents/brother/extended family aren't entitled to ANY knowledge or information about your steps on this journey, especially if you don't think they'll be supportive.

[mala]

Also literally the only person who knew I started seeing a therapist was my husband. I told my best friend a few weeks ago, and then mentioned it to two other friends last week. I haven't told anyone else, including my parents, and I have no intention to. Nor do I plan on telling them I likely have ADHD. You don't have to tell anyone a damn thing.

[wildrice]

I love that you are recognizing that your H is right in suggesting therapy - so many people get defensive and deny when they need help, so the fact that you are on board is HUGE. I think it means you are going to be able to do the work to make the changes you need to make. I think others have already covered the practical advice, but I just wanted to comment that you are doing such a good thing here. I know therapy is not easy but it sounds like it will be a great opportunity for you.

[AdaraMarie]

If you have a way to do it, I think personal recommendations can help. Would you consider/be able to see the same therapist as your H? It could remove the hurdle of having to find someone but I don't know if it's "allowed" or something you would want.

[W.T.Faulkner]

Your family can believe whatever they want, but you don't have to share any of this with them. Would you tell them in detail what happened with your gyno appointments? "Hey, Dad, the cervix is looking great these days, and I got my pap smear!" Of course not. Then they don't need to know about therapy, and they can keep their archaic, ill-informed opinions to their damned selves. From your childhood as you described it, it seems like they shouldn't be authoring any books on mental health and effective parenting anyway.

I get not wanting to be an "embarrassment" -- believe me, I get it (#eldestdaughter), but the family you created is so much more important than your family of origin, and you seem to recognize that. (You seem to recognize a LOT of things that are hard to recognize -- and that's fantastic).

Start with calling your insurance and figuring out what therapists are accepted. Then go to the one that seems best/most convenient to you. It's their job to help you figure it out from there. That's what they're there to do.

[nicolewi]

Do you have an eap at work? They can help you navigate this. Otherwise, look up providers in behavioral health/counseling online in your insurance company portal. Then you can choose a site that works and a person you might like and make an appointment.

[lucybrown]

The good thing about being an adult is that you get to make your own choices. Your parents don't need to know anything about any of this.

You asked how you even begin to deal with all the issues you have... you're here now. Willingness and acknowledging the fear is a great first step. I assume the 6 free visits are through your H's EAP program? If so, just make the call. That's how you start. My EAP was super hands on and gave me a list of names. They followed up within a few days to make sure I had called and was able to get an appointment within 2 weeks. I looked at their list of names and chose a therapist who was also covered by my insurance. I did this so that I continue with them after the 6 visits if it was a good fit. The person was/is wonderful and I've continued to see them for several years.

I can relate to so much of what you have written. My family of origin holds similar views. In 2021, my H said similar things to me. It was the CTJ moment I needed; to see how my mental health issues and personal baggage was affecting my family. I was able to get the support I needed and make positive changes. We're doing so much better now.

I started going to therapy and Al Anon in secret. I take psych meds. It took a long time, but my family has really come around. They notice positive changes and can't deny therapy and other resources have helped. My mom is supportive and proud of how I advocate for myself and my kids. She is proud that I'm doing the things she was too scared to do with her own family culture around mental health and addiction.

Big hugs. It's wildly uncomfortable now, but you're in a good spot.

[dexteroni]

The fact that you’re hearing what he’s saying and are willing to try via therapy (and hopefully open to meds if they’re recommended) shows that you already have some growth from your family’s mindset. You can make so much progress if you’re open to it.

Re having multiple issues you want to address: whenever I have a doctor appointment where I want to cover a bunch of stuff, I make a list in a note on my phone. There’s always something I would have forgotten if I didn’t have the list, so I’m always glad I made it. And it would be even more useful in therapy where you won’t get to everything on the first visit.

I wish you the best of luck in overcoming your issues. I have a feeling you’ll be so much happier once you start making progress.

[trytobearunner34]

In reading what you have written what you describe about yourself reminds me a lot of my husband (from whom I am now separated). I commend you for recognizing the difficult road you face and willingness to move forward.

Trigger warning and PDQ:
My husband had resisted counseling for YEARS. Then he had suicidal thoughts in January of 2020 and finally at this point he was willing (though he wouldn't follow through so I did the researching, reaching out, etc.). He worked with a counselor who among other things included Cognitive Behavior Therapy in his work. He met with the counselor for about 6 months and then decided there was nothing further he needed.

My biggest takeaway as a partner to someone undergoing this experience is that attending counseling is only step one. Having attended counseling myself the real change comes from putting in the work and really engaging in shifting mindsets and narratives that have been fully ingrained for decades. I think doing the actual work is where progress is made. This is unfortunately where my husband struggles.

We later met with this same counselor for marriage counseling (it was my husband's idea as he really trusted this man and was no longer a patient so there was not an ethical dilemma) and the counselor would reference tools previously introduced in their work together and my husband would be like "Oh, yeah I remember that" but through his actions (mostly inactions really), communications, etc. had never really incorporated them into his day to day life from what I can see. I came to realize that my husband was also not fully engaging in sessions (for example would bring up a concern to me he had related to our marriage AFTER meeting with the counselor even though the concern was rooted in something that happened BEFORE the session).

Ultimately my husband was the one who came to me asking for a separation at the beginning of January, but I have come to the realization that I was staying because I didn't want to disrupt our family unit (we have a first grader) and I am eternal optimist who couldn't let go of the fact that one day he would wake up and suddenly want to engage in the world around him (Spoiler alert: it never came and may never come to be). He had the courage to make a choice I couldn't so I am grateful to him for that.  

I am starting to ramble so I will close with this. Find a counselor you can trust and from who you can learn, but first and foremost COMMIT. You seem to have done some great reflecting and recognizing areas of need. The good news is with the right counselor the only thing you need to bring to the table is yourself, your experiences and a willingness to remain open-minded, feel the hurts that you have experienced in your life, and find the tools for moving forward stronger and more content with who you are.

[shauni27]

Feb 6, 2024 10:20:19 GMT -5 nicolewi said:

Do you have an eap at work? They can help you navigate this. Otherwise, look up providers in behavioral health/counseling online in your insurance company portal. Then you can choose a site that works and a person you might like and make an appointment.

I too was going to suggest an EAP if you have one. They are amazing and in my experience have been so easy to work with, which always makes it feel like the task of finding a therapist is a little less daunting. You know that if it isn't a great fit, it is ok, because it is just temporary, you know? 

Good luck to you in your journey. It sounds like you have some work cut out for you but that you are ready to start it.

[litskispeciality]

I haven't read all of the responses yet.

I assume this thread is a blanket PDQ

Your post resonates with me in a number of ways, including therapy aversion. I had a traumatic childhood and I'm an adult child of a (deceased) alcoholic who was anti-therapy for the whole family. Thankfully my dad later embraced therapy and tried Al-Anon, but it wasn't a good fit. My sibling apparently has utilized a lot of therapy, and has gently encouraged me through hints like "my therapist recommended this great book about what we think dad has, it might help you too."

I know there are many kinds of therapy, not just talk. I don't know how you find alternate forms, but I'm sure folks on here have that advice. Going through your EAP is a great start, if nothing else get some free sessions in the short term. That therapist may be able to help you find a better style and fit.

I tried going through my PCP office for therapy in the last couple of months and it was a one-off nightmare. I would recommend that as a back up option for you, hoping your team isn't so dysfunctional.

Finally, therapy/counseling/whatever you want to call it, is a private journey. No.one. literally no.one minus the therapist and your insurance (if you bill them) know you're doing this. I dealt with that with my husband for a long time that no one including the (body he was concerned about) can read your records and use it "against you". He's come around on therapy and is more stuck in finding a good style that isn't talk therapy. I also hope that general thought that counseling records can be sent to outside parties has finally died off.

Anyway, I've talked to therapists at the beginning of our sessions about it being a private journey for me, even to my husband, and they supported that. Lately my husband knows I'm trying to get back in to it, however I wish to keep my sessions private and will try to schedule when he's not home, or ask him to leave during the session if I can't schedule around him. From what you've posted your husband seems very supportive and I hope he would be open to something similar, or coming up with a code if you leave for your apts (in person or on Zoom.) You may find some comfort in having your meetings in your car, or somewhere outside of your house so you can separate the two and feel safer in what you say (that no one can hear you but the therapist.)


I'm not a counselor, but I'm here to PM if you need anything. Big, hugs hugs.

[litskispeciality]

One piece of advice I've seen on here and used is to try to schedule therapy sessions toward the end of the day if at all possible. I don't want to scare you, but you could have a tough session that could really make the rest of your day harder to focus. You'll find a rythmn, but doing your sessions and then going to a place of comfort may make it a little easier to get started.

[amandakisser]

I echo the sentiments of everyone who said there is zero need to tell your family you're going to therapy. The fact that they look down on it so vocally should actually be the biggest sign that you need to heal from their toxic views.

As a spouse who filed for divorce because of her husband's toxic behavior, my suggestion is to really put in the work to not only heal yourself, but communicate with your husband on the things you're doing (you don't have to tell him what you talked about in therapy, just the actions you are taking in improving your life and marriage).

Good luck, and I have faith that you will succeed in this!

[cayl]

My dad "doesn't believe in" therapy or divorce. So much of my childhood was unhealthy and emotionally abusive, and it took two years of therapy before I was able to set appropriate boundaries. My dad called me the other night to complain about my mom and my sister (my sister and her family live with them) and I told him that I've been telling them for YEARS to go to family therapy together and he refuses, and also refuses to change how he behaves and reacts to things, so I can only assume that he's fine with continuing to live as things are. I wasn't rude, but I told him that it's within his power to change, and he's choosing not to.

My husband heard the conversation and was SHOCKED. My normal MO when my family complains has been to jump into "fixer" mode, and I did none of that. My family didn't know that I started therapy, but I told them about it a few months in. It's a very personal choice who to tell/not tell, but after growing up the way I did and knowing that my dad wouldn't approve I wanted my daughters to see me telling people with the attitude of "I had some things I needed to work through, so of course I asked for help", and I wanted them to see me stand up to my dad. While that's what was right for me, an equally important lesson for kids is that you don't owe anyone else anything, and people who don't treat you with respect don't get access to all aspects of your life.

The only negative thing I can say about therapy is that it took me so long to start. I think about all of the years I wasted and get annoyed, but I also know that I started when I was truly ready to make changes and get the most out of it.

[lust2hart]

Feb 6, 2024 11:29:44 GMT -5 cayl said:

The only negative thing I can say about therapy is that it took me so long to start. I think about all of the years I wasted and get annoyed, but I also know that I started when I was truly ready to make changes and get the most out of it.

OMG, same here. I was almost 40 before I went to therapy for childhood issues and wow do I wish I had gone 15 years earlier. But also, I try to give myself grace - I've known my entire adult life that I needed therapy but just wasn't ready to do for whatever reason. So I try to be gentle with myself. 

[mala]

Feb 6, 2024 11:13:00 GMT -5 litskispeciality said:

One piece of advice I've seen on here and used is to try to schedule therapy sessions toward the end of the day if at all possible. I don't want to scare you, but you could have a tough session that could really make the rest of your day harder to focus. You'll find a rythmn, but doing your sessions and then going to a place of comfort may make it a little easier to get started.

I second this. My regular apt is 11am. Todays was a bad session. I'm sitting in the grocery store parking lot at 1245, dreading getting on with my day, knowing I'm doing my shopping and there will be nothing else happeneing today because as soon as I get home Im going to shut down emotionally.

[litskispeciality]

(((mala )))

One other thing, more to remind myself, is that some therapists assign "homework". I had a good counselor during the COVID lockdown, and was kind of frustrated I didn't get as much homework as was promised. For me it kept me on track with the tools we learned that week, or gave me something to address the next week. One thing I'm really trying to do is speak up for myself, and so I plan to speak up and say "I need homework" if I don't feel I'm getting action items at the end of the session.

The point of the homework too was sold as things I can continue to use when our sessions were over. I need to look up what I did with my worry record (Google Doc), as that was a helpful tool.

[mrsukyankee]

My biggest suggestion - find someone who has learned how to do therapy around trauma based within the family. As someone who assesses a LOT of people, you could go in a variety of ways and do well with it. Psychodynamic therapy would be good with talking through your past relationships and how they impact the way you interact with others and yourself. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or CBT would help you look at your patterns of thinking and behaving and help you make changes in them. (if you could, I'd have you do both for a period of time, tbh). CBT/ACT give homework, Psychodynamic do not. If you have any further questions, please feel free to PM me.

[cuadrado]

I think you've gotten some great advice here.

I just wanted to also mention to give yourself some grace where you describe yourself as 'the problem person'. It is SO hard to grow out of habits and thought processes that were engrained in us as children or were due to childhood experiences. It's a big step to realize that you want to change. 

[notsopicky]

Recognizing that you want change is the first step. So brava for that.

I can only offer this small perspective--there are a lot of different varieties of counselors in the world--be open to them all when you first start looking. Through my insurance, I ended up finding a LCSW many years ago, and he became almost like a life coach after so many years together. We were the oddest pair ever--he primarily worked with young LGBTQIA+ males who struggled with addiction. And then there was me--a straight cisgender 30+ married mom. LOL He was amazing. He died as a result of a fall in 2020 and I miss him every day. He saved my life, literally and figuratively.

And no, you don't have to tell a damn person on earth what you're doing. W.T.Faulkner is 100% right--I'd bet you wouldn't share GYN news, so why share counseling?

[ellipses84]

I feel like some of the most anti-therapy people are the ones who have never been and need it the most. Despite traumatic childhoods, DH and I were very much, we’ve overcome that, we’ve broken the cycles, we’re successful adults, we don’t need that in our 20s….As I hit my late 30’s \ early 40’s and talking about trauma / going to therapy is more normalized, I’ve come to the realization I would have benefitted so much from therapy in my 20s. Our children getting older has also made us realize how not normal certain aspects of our childhoods were.

I think there’s a little bit of a fear that therapy can make things worse temporarily and that can be scary to face. I encourage you to go to individual therapy and couples counseling. There’s some good recs for therapy like CBT and trauma related. If the therapist isn’t a good fit, you should switch and it could take a few tries. I’d stay away from the app based/ virtual option unless you feel it’s your only option (I think virtual appts with someone highly recommended are ok). For couples counseling I like the Gottman method.

[isabel]

I strongly encourage you to find someone you can meet with in person. A lot of things my therapist has done with me require the physical proximity. I think it's a lot easier to work learning how to feel feelings and recognize how situations impact you physically when you are in a room with someone.

I'll also echo trying out different people until you find someone you click with. I am so grateful for my therapist and everything I am learning about myself.

Don't be afraid to ask for recommendations, maybe on Next Door or another local site if you feel comfortable with it, or from friends.

But keep in mind if you ask for recommendations, it possible, even likely, that they won't accept insurance. I've joked recently that therapy has replaced the cost of daycare for us. There's a lot of therapy happening in my household right now.

[livinitup]

About 15 years ago, my father’s brother was at lunch at my house and “announced” to my sister and I that he was seeing a therapist and taking meds. We smiled and shared encouraging words in a mild and supportive way. About what you’d expect.

He burst out laughing and his whole body relaxed. I hadn’t realized that sharing that was a very. big. deal. for him. He was so happy. He said something like “you guys reacted just like your cousins! Like it was fine and no big deal”. He was really pleased with his therapist and the meds and life was looking up. I guess he wanted to share.

There wasn’t much more to say but he was visibly pleased that we were supportive. He said that growing up, you would MUCH rather say that you were in prison than receiving help for mental health.

I think we’ve come a long way from those days. A long way. Your dad has his reasons for what he believed and taught you. Times have changed. It’s okay if you’ve changed with them.

[wise_rita]

He can't drink alcohol outside the home or have female friends?

It sounds like this man could use a separation while you fix yourself, because it sounds to me like he's being abused. By you.

If a woman came here saying the same thing the chorus would tell her to sprint in the other direction! He shouldn't be held to different standards because he's a man.

He is showing you an enormous amount of grace by still sticking with you. Maybe he doesn't see himself as a victim, but if he's in therapy maybe he does and he's building up to taking a stand for himself.

Who the fuck cares about what your family thinks of going to therapy? It's that or lose your marriage.