Bedrooms WWYD

[nicolewi]

Just curious about opinions, especially if you have teens/tweens.

Sorry this is long for details. VERY SHORT VERSION: should we move DS into a huge room in the finished basement and let each girl have her own room on the main floor? Or should we have 2 girls continue to share a room?

LONG VERSION:
We have a large spread out one story house with finished basement. Currently, 15 yo DD has her own room, 13 yo DS has his own room, 11 and 9 yo DD share, all down one hallway. Master is on the other side (which is nice!!!). 

We have a very large bedroom in the basement, under the far end of the main floor bedroom hall, with windows, that was made for the previous owner's parents...like a MIL suite. With a full bath down there also. We have 2 queen beds in there now and it works great as a guest room or now mostly a sleepover room, which is super great to have (this is on my mind b/c DD used it last night with friends).

DD2 starts middle school next year and will have to get up at 5:45 (I still hate this with a passion) with my other two older kids, while DD3 (her room buddy) will be able to sleep until 7:30 for 2 more years. This is spurring DH to talk more about the option of moving DS downstairs so he could have his own space and each girl could have her own room. I never liked this idea in the past but am considering it a bit more as the kids get bigger. 

DD1 is a freshman in high school, but I don't plan on taking "her" room until she's settled after college, most likely. She would be VERY resistant to changing HER room to any of the others. She is also not going to want to start sharing with the 11 year old. 

Pros of moving DS:
--Obviously that everyone gets their own room and space 
--DS would have a huge room and I think he would enjoy the privacy; he would have his "own" shower of sorts instead of sharing with his 3 sisters (currently the only full bath on main floor other than master is a jack-and-jill between two of the rooms; there is a half-bath that DS mostly uses for his hair/toothbrushing, etc, but no shower..so he kind of has a bathroom but not a shower space of his own and the full bathroom is all girly)
--The little girls' room is large but weirdly laid out. It works awesome now with a twin over full bunk. They have nice floor space plus each have a dresser. But what about when they no longer want a bunk bed??? This would solve that problem. Changing to twin beds is what we'd do but it doesn't work great.
--Kids share rooms all the time; it's kind of a privileged thing to even have your own room; I think they can deal if they have to, but with my 11 year old going into middle school/puberty, it might get less desirable to share a room with her sister, even though they are only 2 years apart. They are either best friends or worst enemies right now. 

Cons of moving DS:
--Kids would be all spread out. I like having them all "contained" in the one wing area.
--Main thing is that it feels really remote. DS would be on the other side of the house across the basement living room area; I don't love that in case of emergency. We can't really hear or know what's going on down there without going down there. 
--currently DS is a very "good" kid and not at all a troublemaker, but if he ever gets into anything iffy (which seems HIGHLY unlikely at this point) he would be easily able to hide things from us. 
--It's already easy for DS to disappear for ages and be playing XBox and stuff; I feel like we would never see him unless we made rules about coming upstairs! But he's 13...is that going to happen regardless of his room situation?
--DS's current room is the smallest with the worst closet and the girls would probably fight over who gets that room (minor con)
--we would lose the guest room but rarely have "guests" now that my parents moved to our area

Can anyone crystal ball this for me and tell me what's going to work best for the next few years? WWYD? 

[pinkpeony08]

I would let them keep sharing as long as they want to! I'm also hesitant about having kids on another floor. We moved to a new house to have all the bedrooms on the same floor.

[whattheheck]

Just curious why wouldn’t DD1 (she’s the oldest right) get to move downstairs? And what about swapping DD1 and DD3 so that the two girls who have to get up early are sharing a room?

Out of curiosity what do the kids think?

[livinitup]

I would only point out/tell all the children that you would consider turning the basement space into someone’s bedroom - if the person who wanted it gave you a good reason to move them.

Then let the children sort themselves out.

As adults, we see pros/cons very differently than kids.

[waverly]

I would ask the kids. Does DS want to move? Do the 2 girls want to stop sharing?

Given the ages of the kids the room doesn’t sound that remote for a 13 year old so I think that all sounds fine to me if they actually want to switch and y’all want to deal with the hassle of moving everything.

[penguingrrl]

Are the kids going to be okay with losing their “sleepover” area and are you okay with losing your guest bedroom? Are the younger two fighting and struggling with sharing a room?

If you’re just moving to head off potential future problems, I probably wouldn’t at this point. If there’s already a struggle happening and you’re solving it then I would consider it.

My older two shared a room from birth until last year (currently 16/Jr and 14/freshman). We only moved them to separate rooms because of some major struggles our middle one was going through, so we moved the oldest to the basement. I don’t love it and don’t love that they have their own exit that we wouldn’t hear them leaving if they wanted to sneak out. They’re a good kid who has given us absolutely no reason to believe that’s a worry, I just know that even good kids sometimes do risky or stupid things. Given the option they would have remained upstairs where the other bedrooms are (and their room is small, so they had a twin over twin bunk that we assumed would last through coming home summers in college), but life dealt us the hand it did and they’re really happy down there. But if problems haven’t emerged yet I wouldn’t change things up.

[wanderingback]

Are the girls asking not to share a room anymore?
If they aren’t then I don’t think this is something that must happen. At least among my friends and family anyone who has 3 or more kids, the kids share bedrooms. So sharing bedrooms is the norm and kids deal with it. Plus, if one has roommates in the future, especially if you go to college you’re going to have to deal with sharing a room/space and differing schedules so I think it’s totally fine for siblings to continue to share rooms when there are no other options or separating the rooms causes more problems for the rest of the family.

[mrsGreeko]

Yeah I’d probably offer the basement bedroom to the oldest first.

When my kids have sleepovers they just sleep in the basement living room on the couches and floor or they stay in their bedroom. I don’t think not having a sleepover room is a big deal. But we also got rid of our guest room a few years ago and turned it into a second office because I was tired of having a dedicated space for people who didn’t live in my house and decided it was better to dedicate the space in the house to the people who actually lived there. Also, I don’t enjoy having house guests (outside of the kids’ friends who didn’t sleep in the guest room anyway).

In my house the oldest would be very offended if the basement bedroom wasn’t offered to her first (and she would have 100% wanted it). My girls share a jack and Jill bathroom and DS has his own bathroom attached to his room even though he’s the youngest and that has occasionally been brought up as unfair blah blah blah. There is no way giving the basement bedroom (and to teenagers the basement bedroom is the crème de la creme, the luxury of getting to be farther away from the parents is just so exciting) to not the oldest would go over well.

[countthestars]

Feb 10, 2024 23:36:33 GMT -5 mrsGreeko said:

Yeah I’d probably offer the basement bedroom to the oldest first.

When my kids have sleepovers they just sleep in the basement living room on the couches and floor or they stay in their bedroom. I don’t think not having a sleepover room is a big deal. But we also got rid of our guest room a few years ago and turned it into a second office because I was tired of having a dedicated space for people who didn’t live in my house and decided it was better to dedicate the space in the house to the people who actually lived there. Also, I don’t enjoy having house guests (outside of the kids’ friends who didn’t sleep in the guest room anyway).

In my house the oldest would be very offended if the basement bedroom wasn’t offered to her first (and she would have 100% wanted it). My girls share a jack and Jill bathroom and DS has his own bathroom attached to his room even though he’s the youngest and that has occasionally been brought up as unfair blah blah blah. There is no way giving the basement bedroom (and to teenagers the basement bedroom is the crème de la creme, the luxury of getting to be farther away from the parents is just so exciting) to not the oldest would go over well.

I’m not saying you’re wrong but as a second child I’m laughing because *in general* I find many first children to be selfish and entitled, and reading your post I’m scratching my head trying to figure out why first children think they should get the first refusal just because they were born first?


Ducks before a first child throws something at me!

[quesyrah]

Feb 11, 2024 0:08:38 GMT -5 countthestars said:

Feb 10, 2024 23:36:33 GMT -5 mrsGreeko said:

Yeah I’d probably offer the basement bedroom to the oldest first.

When my kids have sleepovers they just sleep in the basement living room on the couches and floor or they stay in their bedroom. I don’t think not having a sleepover room is a big deal. But we also got rid of our guest room a few years ago and turned it into a second office because I was tired of having a dedicated space for people who didn’t live in my house and decided it was better to dedicate the space in the house to the people who actually lived there. Also, I don’t enjoy having house guests (outside of the kids’ friends who didn’t sleep in the guest room anyway).

In my house the oldest would be very offended if the basement bedroom wasn’t offered to her first (and she would have 100% wanted it). My girls share a jack and Jill bathroom and DS has his own bathroom attached to his room even though he’s the youngest and that has occasionally been brought up as unfair blah blah blah. There is no way giving the basement bedroom (and to teenagers the basement bedroom is the crème de la creme, the luxury of getting to be farther away from the parents is just so exciting) to not the oldest would go over well.

I’m not saying you’re wrong but as a second child I’m laughing because *in general* I find many first children to be selfish and entitled, and reading your post I’m scratching my head trying to figure out why first children think they should get the first refusal just because they were born first?


Ducks before a first child throws something at me!

Thoroughly agree.

As the youngest of 3 myself, I am very cognizant of not letting my oldest have the best of everything or first choice just because he’s the oldest.

[SusanBAnthony]

As someone who grew up sharing a room with my sister until college, and a weirdly laid out bedroom that only fit two twin beds (it was the attic of a 1.5 story house with a staircase running up through the middle of the room and angled walls) I would leave them all where they are unless there is an actual problem.

Likely the easly school mornings will be a non issue and your youngest will sleep right through it. Or she'll wake up and it will be just fine.

[Jalapeñomel]

Don’t change anything.


When they start to have issues, revisit.

[VillainV]

Ditto leaving them where they are until trouble arises or someone asks to move. If the schedules get to be a problem next year, you could revisit the issue then….but navigating different schedules and being considerate to a roommate are good qualities to learn. I have to wake up before H a few times a week, so I get up promptly when my alarm goes off (no snooze), grab clothes I've set out the night before, and get dressed in the bathroom. i see no reason why the daughter who wakes up early can't do those things.

ETA: If you do need to move a kid, I think you have some good options:

1) Move one of the older kids into the basement (you could ask for volunteers, and draw straws if they both want to move)

2) Put the two girls who need to wake you up early together in the same room (and maybe swap rooms if layouts would be better)

3) Ask the kids what solution they want. They might come up with something better!

[hermione]

I’d put DD1 and DD2 together because they have to get up at the same time. I know you said DD1 won’t like it but…oh well?

[abs]

I say don't borrow trouble. It seems like no one is really complaining about their arrangements so I'd just leave it alone.

[mrsGreeko]

Feb 11, 2024 0:08:38 GMT -5 countthestars said:

Feb 10, 2024 23:36:33 GMT -5 mrsGreeko said:

Yeah I’d probably offer the basement bedroom to the oldest first.

When my kids have sleepovers they just sleep in the basement living room on the couches and floor or they stay in their bedroom. I don’t think not having a sleepover room is a big deal. But we also got rid of our guest room a few years ago and turned it into a second office because I was tired of having a dedicated space for people who didn’t live in my house and decided it was better to dedicate the space in the house to the people who actually lived there. Also, I don’t enjoy having house guests (outside of the kids’ friends who didn’t sleep in the guest room anyway).

In my house the oldest would be very offended if the basement bedroom wasn’t offered to her first (and she would have 100% wanted it). My girls share a jack and Jill bathroom and DS has his own bathroom attached to his room even though he’s the youngest and that has occasionally been brought up as unfair blah blah blah. There is no way giving the basement bedroom (and to teenagers the basement bedroom is the crème de la creme, the luxury of getting to be farther away from the parents is just so exciting) to not the oldest would go over well.

I’m not saying you’re wrong but as a second child I’m laughing because *in general* I find many first children to be selfish and entitled, and reading your post I’m scratching my head trying to figure out why first children think they should get the first refusal just because they were born first?


Ducks before a first child throws something at me!

I’m a first child myself, so that’s maybe why. Haha. But, I think it’s more that the oldest will leave first so then the second gets the room when they are the oldest in the house, and so on. That’s how it worked in my family of origin. I had the basement bedroom until I left for college and then my middle brother and his friends switched our rooms one day while my parents were at work so then he had the basement bedroom. Then my parents moved and my youngest brother was the only kid living full time at the house and he was given the basement bedroom at the new house. And that way everyone gets it for a period of time.

I think prioritizing the space in the house for people who actually live there rather than people who visit is the most important part. And that includes children who don’t live there full time.

[quesyrah]

Feb 11, 2024 10:51:45 GMT -5 mrsGreeko said:

Feb 11, 2024 0:08:38 GMT -5 countthestars said:

I’m not saying you’re wrong but as a second child I’m laughing because *in general* I find many first children to be selfish and entitled, and reading your post I’m scratching my head trying to figure out why first children think they should get the first refusal just because they were born first?


Ducks before a first child throws something at me!

I’m a first child myself, so that’s maybe why. Haha. But, I think it’s more that the oldest will leave first so then the second gets the room when they are the oldest in the house, and so on. That’s how it worked in my family of origin. I had the basement bedroom until I left for college and then my middle brother and his friends switched our rooms one day while my parents were at work so then he had the basement bedroom. Then my parents moved and my youngest brother was the only kid living full time at the house and he was given the basement bedroom at the new house. And that way everyone gets it for a period of time.

I think prioritizing the space in the house for people who actually live there rather than people who visit is the most important part. And that includes children who don’t live there full time.

I can understand that if you’re going to let each next child have the room. It did not work like that in my house.

My sister had a bedroom that was 3X the size of mine and I was not allowed to have it when she left for college.

[mrsGreeko]

Feb 11, 2024 12:30:40 GMT -5 quesyrah said:

Feb 11, 2024 10:51:45 GMT -5 mrsGreeko said:

I’m a first child myself, so that’s maybe why. Haha. But, I think it’s more that the oldest will leave first so then the second gets the room when they are the oldest in the house, and so on. That’s how it worked in my family of origin. I had the basement bedroom until I left for college and then my middle brother and his friends switched our rooms one day while my parents were at work so then he had the basement bedroom. Then my parents moved and my youngest brother was the only kid living full time at the house and he was given the basement bedroom at the new house. And that way everyone gets it for a period of time.

I think prioritizing the space in the house for people who actually live there rather than people who visit is the most important part. And that includes children who don’t live there full time.

I can understand that if you’re going to let each next child have the room. It did not work like that in my house.

My sister had a bedroom that was 3X the size of mine and I was not allowed to have it when she left for college.

It’s really the only actually fair way to do it. How is letting the only boy have the basement bedroom because he’s the only boy any different really? The way to keep it fair is to give everyone the opportunity to have it for a period of time. But again my only boy doesn’t have to share a bathroom which my girls feel like is unfair. However now my oldest is in college and only home part time so middle DD basically has her own bathroom too now. And my oldest doesn’t have to share a bathroom in her dorm so she also has her own.

[meanie]

I agree that you should keep things the same as long as everyone seems happy with the arrangement. I can see the argument for your DS to get the basement room though depending on the bathroom situation on the main floor.

[quesyrah]

Feb 11, 2024 12:39:13 GMT -5 mrsGreeko said:

Feb 11, 2024 12:30:40 GMT -5 quesyrah said:

I can understand that if you’re going to let each next child have the room. It did not work like that in my house.

My sister had a bedroom that was 3X the size of mine and I was not allowed to have it when she left for college.

It’s really the only actually fair way to do it. How is letting the only boy have the basement bedroom because he’s the only boy any different really? The way to keep it fair is to give everyone the opportunity to have it for a period of time. But again my only boy doesn’t have to share a bathroom which my girls feel like is unfair. However now my oldest is in college and only home part time so middle DD basically has her own bathroom too now. And my oldest doesn’t have to share a bathroom in her dorm so she also has her own.

Personally, I probably wouldn’t let any of the kids have it.

I’m also laughing at the sharing bathroom comment. We’re a family of 4 and our house only has 1 bathroom. I would LOVE my own bathroom.

[nicolewi]

Thanks. Interesting that nobody really feels like we should try to change. That’s kind of how I feel as well. I guess I will just wait and see if this becomes an issue in the future.

We are lucky to have that space, and on the one hand, it’s kind of silly not to utilize it better, but I just really don’t like the idea of having one of the kids down there. Maybe I’ll change my mind in the next couple of years.

As for the room in the basement, we could a hundred percent offer it to DD1 first. I don’t care. But I am 99.99% sure that she would not want to move. She is very attached to her current room and she would not want to be downstairs. I think DS makes the most sense because he would be least bothered by being downstairs, and it makes the bathroom work well in that he has “his own” and the girls share one together with all their hair stuff, lotion, make up, etc. 

And also, a lot of our house is taking over by girl stuff and DS is really easy going about it...it would be nice for DS to get something special.

[jorja]

This is super similar to my situation, except my kids are a little younger, and I have girl, boy, girl, boy. Right now my 9yo DD and 6yo DS share a room with bunk beds, but I foresee my daughter wanting/needing her own space soon. Currently, the plan is to move my boys in together once my 20 month old DS is out of a crib in a year or so. We also have an in law suite in the basement which I’d like to keep as a guest room as long as possible.

I’d keep your kids together unless it’s causing a lot of stress. Can the older one get a small alarm clock and get ready in the bathroom/one of the other bedrooms?

[polarbearfans]

Even if nobody moves downstairs, your son could use the bathroom down there if he didn’t want to share with his sisters. No reason to not use it. I wouldn’t move anyone down there since everyone is happy with the current arrangement.

[lucybrown]

I'm a firstborn that was offered the huge basement bedroom when my youngest sibling was born. I refused, even though I was a senior in high school with plans to leave for college. It was a lot of change and my space was just fine.

My middle sister was ecstatic to get the big, bedroom basement, so that is exactly what we did. I'm glad my parents honored my desire to stay in the same room.



ETA: In your situation, I would leave things as they are until the kids request something different. 

[CloudBee]

I wouldn't put a child that young in a basement room at this point. Not unless you're ok with seeing a lot less of him. It also sounds like that's where you keep your family gaming systems? I would 100% not be ok with those being in a bedroom or in a basement alone with a child. If you moved him down there, I would strongly consider relocating your gaming systems to your living room upstairs.

DH was a really good kid, but his parents allowed him to move into the finished basement bedroom when he was in high school. From what he's told me, that truly changed the dynamic of his family. He basically lived in the basement and rarely went upstairs. Having tech in his bedroom was the nail in the coffin. I know it caused problems with the relationship he had with his mom. -- We actually live in his childhood home and have an only child (boy) so we've already discussed this. That "bedroom" in our basement is huge, so when renovating, we turned it into a family room, took down a partial wall, and it extends into DH's home office with an open doorway.

I would keep things as is or shuffle the girls around at some point. Save the basement for a teen hangout space.

[stemmie]

Firstly, does is this a walk-out/daylight basement? If there's no egress, it's not a bedroom. And of the flip side, do you want your son (and his friends) to be able to come and go without your knowledge? That happened with my sister whose bedroom was the 4th bedroom/den and had sliding glass doors to the back patio. I friend of mine had a similar situation to what CloudBee describes with her younger son who took over the basement suite she used to rent out to grad students. They had a great relationship, but his cave was the envy of my DH and DS, and he didn't come out much.

Assigning rooms can be done a lot of ways. When I was a kid, it was typical for parents to create a nursery out of the smallest bedroom and start each baby there before moving them to one of the larger rooms. The oldest tended to go into the bigger empty room (if there was a choice) because by the time a sibling came they had so many big toys and needed the space for them. Last kid got stuck with the little room until the first left home when a swap was made. For my friends who weren't born in their current homes, bedroom assignments seemed to favor girls who got the bigger bedroom with the bigger closet because, presumably, they'd have more "stuff".

People have strong feelings about this. MY SIL's house was designed to have 2 identical bedrooms with a shared bathroom. They planned on 2 kids when they built and SIL (she was the baby of 3 girls growing up) worried about equity. Same sqft, same number of windows/view, same flooring, same closet. My nieces are 5 years apart and loathe one another. When the older one when to college, the younger swapped rooms with her in the dumbest powerplay ever.

[nicolewi]

Feb 14, 2024 7:59:10 GMT -5 stemmie said:

Firstly, does is this a walk-out/daylight basement? If there's no egress, it's not a bedroom. And of the flip side, do you want your son (and his friends) to be able to come and go without your knowledge? That happened with my sister whose bedroom was the 4th bedroom/den and had sliding glass doors to the back patio. I friend of mine had a similar situation to what CloudBee describes with her younger son who took over the basement suite she used to rent out to grad students. They had a great relationship, but his cave was the envy of my DH and DS, and he didn't come out much.
[.

Yes, it is a full legal bedroom. There are full size windows. And there is a walkout door from a different room.

CloudBee, that’s exactly what I worry about! I think he might just live in his cave, and we would hardly see him. Interestingly, my husband also moved to a basement room (nearby walkout door) when he was a teenager, and he is a proponent of this plan. I just don’t see this as being the right move for DS at this time. Maybe in the future, depending on how things go.

[chedifuen]

I'm kind of surprised by the responses here! I don't think kids necessarily must have their own bedroom but if you have the space then I definitely think it's preferable. I would absolutely let one of the kids move to the basement bedroom.

I don't think it has to mean you'll never see them. I'm assuming you have lots of designated family time, like family dinner, where their presence will be required.

I'm also the mom of a 13 year old and he loves to be alone in his bedroom, which is on the same hallway as the rest of our bedrooms. I don't think the basement will make much of a difference if that is his demeanor. Prior to this year, he literally only went in his room to sleep. Teenagers are a whole different beast.

By contrast, my 17 year old much prefers to hang out in the public spaces of our house and will often watch TV or play cards with us in the evening.

They're two very different kids and trying to force my youngest to be with us backfires. He comes out when he's ready and we spend plenty of time together.

[jobae1234]

I don’t have a basement bedroom but we do have two bedrooms on the third floor, and three on the second floor. We put our 17 year old up on the third floor and a lot of the cons you described happened. We never saw her and we had no idea what she was up to unless someone checked.

There were annoyances, like having to walk upstairs to make sure she was up for school. Having to go all the way up whenever she was sick or injured or whatever. Walking up to wake her when she took a nap and was missing dinner and not answering texts to come down. Checking on her when she was upset. It was just harder to have a finger on the pulse of her life.

Overall it was fine because when we moved in she was 17, and some independence was appropriate, but I wouldn’t love it with a younger teen. I’d do it if the pros outweighed the cons for the family as a whole, but I wouldn’t do it preemptively.