My kids really are at the age when they can be more independent and have responsibilities and I feel like I am failing them by not having the energy to have more structure.
They are great at getting themselves ready every morning. They like to do laundry (not putting it away, just putting it in the washer, adding soap and turning on). And they can do anything when asked. They are also tall and can reach a lot of things. They are 6.
But here are the areas I am struggling with: - enforcing them cleaning up after themselves - having healthy snacks easily accessible (like fruit, cheese sticks, etc.) - maybe I just need a reachable bin in the fridge for them? - having them eat at the table, and put dishes away - practicing their reading every night (we read to them, but need to be better about them reading to us)
Any tips? Do I just need to commit to a chore chart or set alarms or something? My H likes the path of least resistance, and things done a certain way, so he likes just doing things rather than them helping
6 is still pretty young so start with giving yourself some grace. I have one child with executive function delays, so I need to always circle back and do an inspection both for chores and homework. Also, a good method for both my kids is called body doubling. I actually didn't know what that meant until recently, but bsaically it means you do the chores with them or you are standing right there/ sitting there while they do the chores.
I think a reach-able bin is a great idea. As far as eating as the table, we always did that or the TV (bad habit I know), but mealtimes did suck for a long time. They are fine now, but they were not great for a good long time with kid behavior which was probably developmentally appropriate but still annoying for adults lets just say.
Do you pick them up at all or do they ride the bus? If you pick them up, a good easy way to get in the reading might be to listen to an audiobook in the car. Also I go to the library frequently and really try to follow their interests/ get them excited. That way they just do it naturally. We also have CD players in their rooms and they can listen to audiobooks there from the library.
Chore charts/ alarms all good tools. The #1 thing is to have a routine because there is no thinking, no resisting, no deciding- just flow through the same routine every single day. Could be written or unwritten.
I get wanting to do it rather than them doing it because it can be painfully slow and poorly done. But, my 13 and 11 year old now cook for me. So if you stick with certain things, in 6 years you may reap the rewards lol.
Having a snack bin that I refilled as needed was a game-changer in my family. Definitely do this and make it as straightforward for yourself as possible.
If you (or anyone else) has a surefire way to teach kids to clean up after themselves I'd love to hear it because mine are 13 and 16 and I still "remind" them to do this at least once a day. Give yourself and them a LOT of grace here, but also give a lot of positive reinforcement when they do what they're supposed to do without reminding because it's both the kind thing to do and also might move the needle as much as it can be moved at their age.
Eating at the table is a non-negotiable in our family. I'm not sure how I'd go about teaching it if it hasn't been the norm in yours, but I'd start by sitting down as a family and deciding on a list of things you're going to start doing/expecting of everyone moving forward. Post it in a prominent spot, and make sure you're not modeling the behavior you're trying to get them to stop.
I agree with the suggestion about audiobooks, but if they need to practice sight reading too I'd start making that a task you do together at a specific time every day. If they don't need your help, you can use that time to pick up your own book and read with them. If they do need you, it can still be comfortable time together without any other distractions.
I'm a big fan of chore charts and setting expectations that all members of the family help keep the house running and in order. Things won't be done "right" (or the way/at the speed you would do them) for a long time, but it's important for them to learn life skills and how to do things for themselves.
Well, my 9-year old doesn’t do most of those things, at least not on his own. He will bring his plates/cups to the sink when reminded. He won’t do schoolwork unless we specifically tell him to. He doesn’t do his own laundry, but is close to being able to. We just do a lot of reminders. Lots and lots of reminders. We say things like “Do you want to ready for twenty minutes now, or after dinner?” On days when the schedule is tight, we talk him through the whole thing several times (“When we get home from school, you need to do homework right away, then change for soccer practice, and after we get home for soccer practice you need to shower. Then if we have time you can watch some TV before bed.”).
I think 6 is still pretty young for some of this stuff, so I'm sure you're already doing a great job. At 8, my DD still has a hard time doing a lot of chores by herself with zero adult supervision or participation. Things like cleaning up her messes usually require a bit of project management from H or me telling her "okay, pick up 3 things. Now decide where they go." Or I'll tell her if she picks up 3, I'll pick up 3 too. Usually it gets her going enough that she can complete the rest on her own. I also let her eat tortilla chips and drink chocolate milk after school - so long as her meals are healthy I don't really care so much about healthy snacks (disclaimer that she eats really well at mealtimes and is not generally a big snacker, so I'd probably care more if she was grazing all the time). For reading practice and homework, we do it right after dinner, which I find easier to enforce. I say "I" for the homework and reading because I am the primary parent for it due to the language.
Thank you! I set a timer to read at 7 pm every night. That should help. And I got a bin for the fridge for the fresh snacks. I will start there at least!
OMG this is worlds more than my kids do and they’re 6 and 9. I’m a path of least resistance parent, like your H.
That said - my kids love money and love sticker charts. My mom recently paid my younger kid 1 penny per piece of laundry he moved and he was stoked to earn 13 cents. You could pretty easily make a sticker chart or activity check list. I do something like this during school breaks in order to earn screen time. I REALLY hate hounding my kids to get stuff done, so I try to set up a system where they’re involved and motivated. Once you can create the habit for any particular task, it becomes so much easier.
My son has always had a bowl of fresh fruit at night watching a show in the living room before bed and my husband always read with him in his room just before bed. It takes care of getting good, healthy food and reading. At 13 it's still going on so I highly recommend it.
Post by outnumbered on Feb 19, 2024 21:20:09 GMT -5
I am sure you won't, but do not make reading a task or a battle. At 6 they are in school learning and reading all through the day. Reading should be pleasurable and a way to connect, not something to force.
My DS is 7.75. -His reading practice is his ticket to video game playing with his dad after dinner. We do spelling words/vocab and sight words (whatever his teacher sends home for the week). We also read books as part of bedtime routine. -Taking his dirty dishes to the counter and putting them in the dishwasher has been pretty successful over the past 6 months or so. It's been a process. -Cleaning up happens as part of bedtime routine unless it's food/dirty dishes. -DS eats food on the couch while watching tv regularly. Like plain pancakes & waffles. -I don't enforce healthy snacks because DS has feeding challenges. I'm more concerned with failure to thrive than healthy eating.
I am sure you won't, but do not make reading a task or a battle. At 6 they are in school learning and reading all through the day. Reading should be pleasurable and a way to connect, not something to force.
They really love it! I often just forget to even prompt them.
with laundry- each of our kids gets a "day" (one sat and one sun) occasionally they both can get sat if the first one is on a roll but they start it in the morning and switch it to the dryer and then when it is time to put it away we help our younger son (he is 8). Our older one is able to put his away now alone. But they do the whole load from start to finish and we are pretty lenient about the "folding" except they do need to hang shirts so they dont wrinkle but everything else doesnt get folded
we do pay a weekly allowance but they have to spend that on anything they want which was getting more frequent lately (pokemon cards, candy, v bucks, robux etc)
For putting away their dishes, they’re required to ask to be excused and clear their place settings. I never had to ask to be excused, but DH did and has always been insistent on it. DS2 is 6 and has been clearing his own place for at least a few years now. They also help unload and load the dishwasher.
For snacks, we keep stuff on lower shelves and there’s a stool in the kitchen so they can help themselves. More than anything, this for me has been about training myself not to jump up and help them, but to let them do it in their own. Tonight, DH and I were outside helping load up a washer/dryer for someone who bought ours. We came in to find DS2 cutting up strawberries and putting (pre-cut) veggies in his and his brother’s dinner plates, totally unprompted. The more ownership we give, the more I find they will just handle things on their own. DS1 (8) makes his own snacks most of the time now, including toasted bagels with cream cheese, cereal and milk, etc.
I’m less good about making DS2 pick up after himself with his toys, but that’s in large part because he has ADHD and makes a huge mess and it’s really overwhelming for him to handle it alone. I’m ok giving him some grace on that.
I think reading is just something you have to make a habit. We switch kids nightly and every night they read a chapter (or book) to use and we read to them. It’s non-negotiable and rarely do we skip it, unless one of them is sick and really not up for reading to us.
One of the things that really stuck with me was early on in therapy, my therapist asked about all the things I do and all the things other people in the house do. When I got to my kids she was like “what else can they do?” And I was like “I don’t know…” and she was like “can they unload the dishwasher?” And I was like “I mean, they *can*…”
Her point was basically that I had too much on my plate and that by not empowering them to take on some of the household responsibilities, I was really just punishing myself. It took a LOT of whining and arguing, but six months in, they’re pretty good about just helping with it most of the time now. And it’s honestly made a big difference for me mentally to know that I can ask them to do it and that 90% if it will get done and done correctly (that part took time too lol).
So yes, there’s of course a huge independence piece to this, but don’t discount the difference it can make for you too. It takes a lot of up front energy in my opinion, but the payout has been worth it so far as we’ve started asking them to take on more.
Post by emilyinchile on Feb 20, 2024 8:36:25 GMT -5
For cleaning up after themselves and eating at the table/clearing plate, what happens right now if they don't do those things? I feel like that context might help in suggesting ways to get to what you'd like.
My kid is 2, and there's only 1 of him, so I realize I'm in a different world, but for us if he doesn't want to clean up a toy he's no longer using? That's fine, knock yourself out wandering around bored, but there will be no other toys coming out or other activities happening until the first one is put away. Food is served on the table, it doesn't go elsewhere. If he doesn't want to come to the table I remind him that this is mealtime, and he can choose not to eat, but there will be no more food until [next meal or snack time], and I will wait 2 minutes in case he wants to come sit down. He is a very hungry child, so this has never not worked, but I know some kids could care less about food. I definitely think part of it is adapting to your own child(ren) within a clear rule structure that gives them some choice and at the same time encourages them to make the good choices out of their own self-interest.
Also, I don't think you're failing at all! And I think it's awesome that you want to purposely foster their independence. Kids are capable of so much, even if sometimes it means we adults have to take a deep breath because it takes them 5x longer and they do it wrong haha.