School Avoidance

[snipsnsnails]

Anyone have kids who absolutely don’t like getting up for school? Or always say they don’t want to go? What are you doing in the moment to help? (This isn’t new-been this way over multiple grade levels & teachers.)

We’re doing all the macro-level stuff-figuring out stresses at school, proper supports, good sleep habits, therapy, etc. but what about the mornings themselves? How do you make it easier in the moment-to-moment? Thanks for any ideas.

[W.T.Faulkner]

Ugh, that's hard. My son is little (5), but when he was really anxious and crying in the mornings it helped him to think of the things we had to look forward to that day/week. (And sometimes he'd be like "NOTHING!" but we could figure out at least one thing with him. lol)

[livinitup]

That sounds awful. We have a different situation bc DD was fine to get up (with help) in elementary school but slid into being a beast when puberty hit. It’s a little hard to track bc we also had a few Covid years, so remote work, shared carpooling, etc. Once things normalized a bit, it became obvious that her teen brain was rebelling against me - being “mom”. She wanted complete independence to get herself up and out but lacked the skills.

So, I gave up.

She struggled. She hated being late and really hated asking for a ride when she missed the bus. It was hard on me to let it play out, keep my mouth shut, just play a supportive role. Really hard, but I managed my emotions and preferences/ priorities. It did help that my H stepped up and did a very gentle “reminder” (he set his own alarm and softly told her the time). I’ll admit that annoyed me a little bc she let him help but not me - but if I’m being honest, he really had a gentle touch that I lacked.

So, she figured it out. What helped is that she never rolled over and skipped school. I didn’t/don’t have to deal with missing school, just getting up in time to get ready and make the bus. I do give her credit for really figuring it out (all the normal stuff like alarms, music, taking a shower/skipping a shower, and dad’s reminders).

It was a rough road but her personal pride at “doing it” on her own won out.

[underwaterrhymes]

K struggles with this. He has unspecified anxiety disorder and we have many mornings where it’s been a struggle to get him out the door. We have a great principal who, on particularly hard mornings, will walk him around the halls until he calms down. He also has a social worker that he will go see if he’s having a hard time getting through the day. We are also fortunate that I work from home most days and can stay home with him if it’s just so bad it’s clear he won’t be able to function. It’s hard.

If middle school is worse, I’ve already told H that we may have to explore other options like home school. I won’t force him to go if he’s being bullied. We aren’t at that point yet and I have no idea how we will make that happen since we are definitely a dual income family, but we will cross that bridge if we have to.

[meanie]

DD said she was sick almost every day from 2nd - 4th. She does deal with constipation so she would say her stomach hurt and she had a headache...stuff that was difficult to disprove. Looking back it was probably anxiety related, she does enjoy school and does well once she is there. We had to just force her to go, which was not pleasant, but now she just groans and gets up.

DS was CRYING about going back to school last night because they were just off for spring break, his complaints were homework and his teacher (3rd teacher this year and it's someone he had last year who he didn't enjoy).

I think in general it is good to repeat back their feelings and validate, then redirect. "I know you are upset that you have to go to school, and that is hard. Let's get up now so you don't have to rush/I can help you/etc"

I offer to help them every step of the way, even at 10 my DD will take me up on help getting dressed sometimes. I run their clothes through the dryer before they get up if it is a cold morning, they really like getting into warm clothes but have to do it before they cool off.

On our hardest mornings I will sit in the car if they are dragging their feet, then they magically run out ready to go.

[nicolewi]

We’ve been through different phases of this, and it’s very hard. We tried to work on all the background stuff, like just managing anxiety, knowing what is going to happen in the day, dealing with any issues, but it still can be really hard. Basically, we just had to do a lot of tough love and say that they had to go to school, school was like the kids job, and they needed to be there, And some days I pretty much had to shove my kid out the door. There were times I really didn’t think she was going to get on the bus, but in the end, she always did. We’ve also made deals about driving kids to school some days if that was helpful. This year, I’m driving my two elementary kids every day. It saves 30 minutes in the morning, and it really helps my youngest get her day off to a better start.

[shauni27]

we deal with this and S is only in 1st grade. He claims he hates school, doesn't want to go, etc. We get great reports from his teachers and he is always happy when we pick him up; what I really think is the issue is that he would rather stay home and play and watch tv than be learning at school.

We continue to reiterate that school is not optional, we understand sometimes it is hard to do things we don't like, and then do little things to help make it more...exciting? Mondays before school he gets a junky breakfast (poptarts, donuts, junk cereal) to kick off the week with a sweet start. Then each day after that we find something good that he has scheduled for the day. "Tuesday is PE day!" "Wednesday is library day!" etc and that helps a little.

[waverly]

DD (11) was tired didn’t want to get out of bed and did a lot of yelling. I made her talk to the social worker at school. They came up with a schedule and requested that I just mention the time. So that’s what I do, say the time and that’s it. She’s probably about 75% better now. She’s also getting into her look so she gets up for that now.

[pinkdutchtulips]

I've been dealing with my child's school avoidance/refusal issues since the pandemic in 2020-21 (6th grade onwards). Nothing has worked so we're doing an IEE (independent education eval) to see what is going on. She's current on full time Home & Hospital due to anxiety issues. We need to find out absent the current anxiety issues (stemming from an off campus altercation) why she can't get back into the attending school habit. 

[fn2187]

How old is the child?

Older DD went through this a bit. Sleep was a big part of it. We have earlier sleep time now even though she was getting enough hours.

I try to make it fun. But I realize not everyone has the time or resources to do this. For a short time, we would stop at Starbucks every Monday. I felt like it gave her something to look forward to. I also offered to pickup a friend to carpool to school. That helped too. I had a talk with her and decided to allow 2 mental health days a year that she can decide when to take as long as no tests etc that day. I feel like it gave her more control. Lastly I brought up the alternative would be homeschooling (which I knew she despises lol). She got over it and now rarely has issues.

[penguingrrl]

Sending hugs. School avoidance is wretched. My middle (14/9th grade) was fine prior to the pandemic. But the pandemic and puberty hit basically simultaneously and we haven't successfully gotten her back into school yet. Her real struggle came following finally going back to the school building in 6th grade only to have 3 separate 14 day quarantines in under 2 months because every time she reentered school she was exposed to covid.

We've finally progressed to working 1:1 with a home instructor provided by the district, which is a massive improvement over refusing even that. And we are working with a goal to try to return to the out of district special ed school she tried to attend unsuccessfully for all of 8th grade.

One thing I will say is that in this process she was diagnosed with autism and selective mutism. She was a kid who prior to the pandemic slid under the radar and kept her grades up and wasn't disruptive (due to the selective mutism) and so we realized some major red flags were ignored. After being home during covid she could no longer cope with things she had coped with her entire life (schools are insanely noisy places!). I would say that in addition to screening for anxiety disorders, it wouldn't hurt to screen for neurodivergence as well. Sometimes it presents subtly until it doesn't and you realize that your kid has been masking and coping but needed better supports.

[sonrisa]

I'm sorry you are having that struggle. ((hugs))

[onomatopoeia]

We struggled with this when DS was 4-9, it was hard. He always ended up going but sometimes it involved literally dragging him into school, leaving him with the guidance counselor, and walking away. We tried a million things but the ultimate solution was an eventual dx of ASD and ADHD, meds, and finally a therapeutic day school (paid for by our school district) where his class size was very small (6 kids) and he took a minivan to school instead of a loud chaotic bus. I'm glad you are focusing on sleep habits, we found out that DS was only getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night. When we addressed that things improved.

Sorry, I know that doesn't really help with your questions around mornings. I spent a long time looking for a magic morning routine. Keeping mornings calm helps, DS would get more worked up if the mornings were hectic. I think the best advice I would have, having been there, is to keep your cool and make it non-negotiable. You have to go to school. I felt like the world's worst mom dragging my kid into his school but I knew if I relented and let him stay home it would get worse. He is now back in-district (grade 11) and doing great.

ETA: I think also acknowledging that they don't want to go to school and relating to it helped with us.  You don't want to go to school?  Guess what bud, I don't want to go to work!  I have a boring 2 hour meeting this morning, a project due that I'm not finished yet, and a call with my boss that I'm not looking forward to.  Let's connect after we both get home and have a donut and talk about it. 

[pinkdutchtulips]

Feb 26, 2024 14:25:08 GMT -5 penguingrrl said:

One thing I will say is that in this process she was diagnosed with autism and selective mutism. She was a kid who prior to the pandemic slid under the radar and kept her grades up and wasn't disruptive (due to the selective mutism) and so we realized some major red flags were ignored. After being home during covid she could no longer cope with things she had coped with her entire life (schools are insanely noisy places!). I would say that in addition to screening for anxiety disorders, it wouldn't hurt to screen for neurodivergence as well. Sometimes it presents subtly until it doesn't and you realize that your kid has been masking and coping but needed better supports.

yep .. this is how we found out she had ADHD along w ODD and DMDD. Distance learning during the pandemic brought a host of things to light that hadn't been seen previously. 

[penguingrrl]

Feb 26, 2024 16:59:48 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

Feb 26, 2024 14:25:08 GMT -5 penguingrrl said:

One thing I will say is that in this process she was diagnosed with autism and selective mutism. She was a kid who prior to the pandemic slid under the radar and kept her grades up and wasn't disruptive (due to the selective mutism) and so we realized some major red flags were ignored. After being home during covid she could no longer cope with things she had coped with her entire life (schools are insanely noisy places!). I would say that in addition to screening for anxiety disorders, it wouldn't hurt to screen for neurodivergence as well. Sometimes it presents subtly until it doesn't and you realize that your kid has been masking and coping but needed better supports.

yep .. this is how we found out she had ADHD along w ODD and DMDD. Distance learning during the pandemic brought a host of things to light that hadn't been seen previously. 

I'm curious how things would have played out for both of our kids absent the pandemic. I'm sure there would have been some struggles due to these underlying diagnoses, but I can't help but wonder if they would have been more easily handled.

[jlt19]

We had a lot of this starting in 5th grade, which was 20-21, so post Covid. Of course I had to let her stay home at every stomach ache. Then we moved to a new district (not a great parenting move in hindsight) and same happened in 6th. Got worse in 7th, until we put it all together that it was anxiety induced.

The dislike of school is still there, but been MUCH better this year (8th) while properly medicated.

Also, a great tip her therapist gave me, was to take it one week at a time. She goes one week without complaining, she gets a “reward”. For her, it’s usually a bag of Takis. Just a motivator that’s a few dollars. Maybe after a month, a trip to Starbucks. It really has helped, and it’s stuff I’d probably have gotten her just because anyway.

*yes I’m aware I shouldn’t use food as a motivator but that ship sailed years ago

[pinkdutchtulips]

Feb 26, 2024 17:09:24 GMT -5 penguingrrl said:

Feb 26, 2024 16:59:48 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

yep .. this is how we found out she had ADHD along w ODD and DMDD. Distance learning during the pandemic brought a host of things to light that hadn't been seen previously. 

I'm curious how things would have played out for both of our kids absent the pandemic. I'm sure there would have been some struggles due to these underlying diagnoses, but I can't help but wonder if they would have been more easily handled.

All I know is that NOT having the structure of consistent in-person school was detrimental to her. I'm in the process of moving and going through stuff and I found some old classwork of hers pre-pandemic along w some standardized testing scores. The test scores showed her at the low end of grade level. I think some kind of testing or intervention would have occurred at the beginning of 6th and we might have had her dx'd then BEFORE she could make the decision re meds. 

The ODD and DMDD were always in the background as she was NEVER a rule follower. The ODD made distance learning more difficult and the DMDD sprung up out of her frustrations about not learning the material, not being able to do the assigned work bc she didn't understand it with no teacher there on the spot to help her. She fell so behind that she just shut down bc it was so overwhelming. Now we have the problem of teachers expecting a 9th grade academic skill set out of a student with a mid 5th grade one. Which is another reason we have H&H. 

[penguingrrl]

Feb 26, 2024 19:15:13 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

Feb 26, 2024 17:09:24 GMT -5 penguingrrl said:

I'm curious how things would have played out for both of our kids absent the pandemic. I'm sure there would have been some struggles due to these underlying diagnoses, but I can't help but wonder if they would have been more easily handled.

All I know is that NOT having the structure of consistent in-person school was detrimental to her. I'm in the process of moving and going through stuff and I found some old classwork of hers pre-pandemic along w some standardized testing scores. The test scores showed her at the low end of grade level. I think some kind of testing or intervention would have occurred at the beginning of 6th and we might have had her dx'd then BEFORE she could make the decision re meds. 

The ODD and DMDD were always in the background as she was NEVER a rule follower. The ODD made distance learning more difficult and the DMDD sprung up out of her frustrations about not learning the material, not being able to do the assigned work bc she didn't understand it with no teacher there on the spot to help her. She fell so behind that she just shut down bc it was so overwhelming. Now we have the problem of teachers expecting a 9th grade academic skill set out of a student with a mid 5th grade one. Which is another reason we have H&H. 

It’s so hard! I’ll say, we finally had our first breakthrough and my daughter feels like she can learn again. Part of why the therapeutic school didn’t work out was that she was too afraid to go to class because she felt irrevocably behind, but working 1:1 has her feeling at least somewhat caught up. Hopefully you find the same!

[pinkdutchtulips]

Feb 26, 2024 22:13:14 GMT -5 penguingrrl said:

Feb 26, 2024 19:15:13 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

All I know is that NOT having the structure of consistent in-person school was detrimental to her. I'm in the process of moving and going through stuff and I found some old classwork of hers pre-pandemic along w some standardized testing scores. The test scores showed her at the low end of grade level. I think some kind of testing or intervention would have occurred at the beginning of 6th and we might have had her dx'd then BEFORE she could make the decision re meds. 

The ODD and DMDD were always in the background as she was NEVER a rule follower. The ODD made distance learning more difficult and the DMDD sprung up out of her frustrations about not learning the material, not being able to do the assigned work bc she didn't understand it with no teacher there on the spot to help her. She fell so behind that she just shut down bc it was so overwhelming. Now we have the problem of teachers expecting a 9th grade academic skill set out of a student with a mid 5th grade one. Which is another reason we have H&H. 

It’s so hard! I’ll say, we finally had our first breakthrough and my daughter feels like she can learn again. Part of why the therapeutic school didn’t work out was that she was too afraid to go to class because she felt irrevocably behind, but working 1:1 has her feeling at least somewhat caught up. Hopefully you find the same!

Miss R has the same fears. She KNOWS she's massively behind her peers and its a barrier for her. She's doing really well in her H&H class (Bs) bc its 1:1 w a single teacher. 

[penguingrrl]

Feb 27, 2024 12:26:58 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

Feb 26, 2024 22:13:14 GMT -5 penguingrrl said:

It’s so hard! I’ll say, we finally had our first breakthrough and my daughter feels like she can learn again. Part of why the therapeutic school didn’t work out was that she was too afraid to go to class because she felt irrevocably behind, but working 1:1 has her feeling at least somewhat caught up. Hopefully you find the same!

Miss R has the same fears. She KNOWS she's massively behind her peers and its a barrier for her. She's doing really well in her H&H class (Bs) bc its 1:1 w a single teacher. 

I think a lot of kids can benefit from that. I know that home instruction is considered most restrictive and my district is fighting hard to get her back, but for her “most restrictive” is honestly the best because it’s the only type of school she has actually participated in. Feeling behind can be scary and embarrassing for a kid.

[raleighnc]

If you haven't already had them evaluated for ADHD, anxiety, etc. that's a place to start. My kids take ADHD meds at night that start releasing about an hour before they get up, and when they had to do trials of meds you take in the morning, our mornings were full of meltdowns and fights and anxiety.

[googled]

My kid hates school. Absolutely abhors it. He’s in 5th grade and we still have mornings where he just cries and begs not to go.

Some of it is social (his friend group is very hot and cold), some of it is academic (he gets overwhelmed by the content).

We do the macro stuff too, and maybe once a semester we let him take a mental health day (I work from home full time, I realize not everyone has that option). When he HAS to go and is really upset, I drop everything and just sit with him for a minute. I talk through the week (“you just have three more days and then it’s the weekend”), I remind of things he’s looking forward to, I point out the fun to be had (“you have art today, you love art” - this one usually gets a heavy sigh). We usually end up missing the bus and I have to drive him in a smidge late those days and honestly, that gives me something to point out. “I’ll let you go in a little late this morning so you can regain your composure and prepare yourself for the day.” And that usually works.

It’s super tough, I get it. Curious to read other replies.

[pl77]

Unfortunately, my ex decided that because our 12 year old had school avoidance, she no longer needed to go. He kept her with him and home for two weeks straight, refusing to return her to me, and telling her she is autistic and has social anxiety. (?) she may be on the spectrum, possibly, but he started telling her she has a rare subset of autism and he created a PowerPoint for me and her doctor about why he thinks this. He has no medical degree, he’s a web developer.

She is anxious and in therapy. Getting her back to school once she was finally with me was a nightmare-school avoidance is so hard and unfortunately he did the worst possible thing by letting her stay home. He also told her she could do virtual school, without even discussing it with me.

I got a lawyer and I’m pursing full custody after 10 years of 50/50 because he’s clearly had yet another mental break.

Anyway, insisting she go to school routinely made life easier, but it was hell at first and I am sorry you’re going through this.

[jg183]

middle school has been absolutely awful for us. no ideas but im here for them