Play Dates and a Spouse that Hates Noise

[ny96]

We have 2 boys (6yo and 10yo). They have an active social life and play dates have increased dramatically in the last 1 to 2 years, including sleepovers for the older one. We have learned some lessons along the way, we can’t have more that one friend each over at a time, and we have to have structured activities at sleepovers or else the kids go crazy, sneak sugar, and destroy the house.

When there is a weekend play date at our house, I usually schedule it when H is planning on going into the office or has something else to do outside the house. He does not handle noise and chaos well, but as play dates become more frequent this is tougher to do, and I really want our home to be a place where friends are always welcomed. How do you balance an open home with a spouse who needs quiet?

[mrsGreeko]

I did a lot of it when DH was gone for the weekend. It worked out because he was in the military and was always gone one weekend a month for sure, but usually 2 or 3. As the kids got older they got less loud so by the time he was retired from the military they were quieter. And he was less stressed in general so the noise stopped bothering him as much. We also kick kids outside as much as possible. Or if that’s not an option then we have asked that they play in their room for awhile with the door closed which muffles the noise especially if DH goes to the basement.

[meanie]

H doesn't hate noise per se, but he is on a lot of work calls and works through the weekends when it is tax season. I send the kids outside whenever possible, we have a small house so there isn't really anywhere indoors to escape.

Other families in the neighborhood seem to do the same thing, so there ends up being a group of kids that migrate between all their yards. We do have an enclosed porch that has a bench seat and I store individual snacks out there as well so the kids can hang there if they want.

[expectantsteelerfan]

Does your spouse share your desire for your house to be open to kids? If so, or even if they are just fine with it in theory but just not practice, then I say plan playdates for whenever you feel up to it yourself to handle it, and let your spouse deal with it how they choose, whether that's leaving, going to a different part of the house with headphones on, or whatever. Your spouse is an adult and can manage their own uncomfortableness IF they don't mind you initiating the playdates to begin with.

[rhian]

Feb 26, 2024 13:01:40 GMT -5 expectantsteelerfan said:

Does your spouse share your desire for your house to be open to kids? If so, or even if they are just fine with it in theory but just not practice, then I say plan playdates for whenever you feel up to it yourself to handle it, and let your spouse deal with it how they choose, whether that's leaving, going to a different part of the house with headphones on, or whatever. Your spouse is an adult and can manage their own uncomfortableness IF they don't mind you initiating the playdates to begin with.

Yeah, this. If he's okay with the kids being over in theory, but struggling with it in practice, he should figure out how to manage it for himself. Can he get ear plugs?

Are you okay being the only parent in charge of these playdates? It sounds like you are, but I'd also want to make sure you've both on the same page so that you don't end up resenting both taking the lead on this for your kids *and* managing his needs at the same time.

I also think it's totally possible to be welcoming to your kids' friends without necessarily opening up your physical space all the time, so if it doesn't work for your family to be a house where other kids are coming over all the time, that's okay.

[ny96]

In theory H wants to be a welcoming house for kids, but not so much in practice. We have a smaller house and not much outdoor space. I always manage these playdates and have no issues taking the lead every time. The kids had friends over yesterday while H was at work, and when he came home (after the kids had left) he told me he was overwhelmed with everything that goes on on the weekends (separate issue), but afterwards DS1 asked for a playdate next weekend. I want to say yes because I want the kids to have friends over, but I don’t want H to have a breakdown and ultimately blame me.

[waverly]

ny96, can you do every other weekend? If you say you had a playdate last weekend and want one this weekend it seems like it is working out to every weekend. So I just thought if you do every other then you are balancing husband's needs with kids needs.

Other options are public parks, taking kids to movies, taking kids to the arcade etc. Which is usually going to be pricier, but might be fun to mix it up a little with in home stuff to other stuff. Walk around downtown if small and walkable, go for ice cream, farmers market. Not sure how old your kids are.

[sdlaura]

We're sort of in the same boat with DH not loving noise/having people over, but I kind of agree with him. We have four kids already, so adding more is extra crazy, and I'm not a fan of sleepovers since I don't do well with less sleep than normal/being out of my routine. I do like being out of our house at like the trampoline park and playgrounds, etc., so I try to reciprocate for playdates by inviting other kids along to those outings.

[ssmjlm]

Feb 26, 2024 13:57:13 GMT -5 waverly said:

Other options are public parks, taking kids to movies, taking kids to the arcade etc. Which is usually going to be pricier, but might be fun to mix it up a little with in home stuff to other stuff. Walk around downtown if small and walkable, go for ice cream, farmers market. Not sure how old your kids are.

If you do this, make sure you know who is paying. I've now had 2 separate instances where someone invited my kid, I sent money just in case and she comes home having spent it all because the invitee paid for nothing. 

If I'm inviting your kid to the movies, I would be buying their ticket, esp because it's easier to buy online, but in one case, she had to buy her own.

[waverly]

ssmjlm , yes, I assume this is family or region specific. I would not expect anyone to pay for my kid.

But in fairness I haven't done it that often. I did take a kid to the pool where we had membership. Their entrance was free with membership and they paid their own concession.

[wanderingback]

Feb 26, 2024 13:30:47 GMT -5 ny96 said:

In theory H wants to be a welcoming house for kids, but not so much in practice. We have a smaller house and not much outdoor space. I always manage these playdates and have no issues taking the lead every time. The kids had friends over yesterday while H was at work, and when he came home (after the kids had left) he told me he was overwhelmed with everything that goes on on the weekends (separate issue), but afterwards DS1 asked for a playdate next weekend. I want to say yes because I want the kids to have friends over, but I don’t want H to have a breakdown and ultimately blame me.

It sounds like there might be other issues at play? If you’re worried about him having a breakdown then it sounds like there’s a lot going on?

Kid mess bothers my partner more than me (like he cleans up after her throughout the day, whereas I just leave it for the end of the day), but I’m not worried he’s going to have a breakdown. So that’s why it sounds like there are bigger issues here at play then extra noise or mess. Have you talked to him about how he feels? It seems like it would be helpful to know from him specifically what would help/expectations.

[wanderingback]

Feb 26, 2024 15:37:46 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

Feb 26, 2024 13:57:13 GMT -5 waverly said:

Other options are public parks, taking kids to movies, taking kids to the arcade etc. Which is usually going to be pricier, but might be fun to mix it up a little with in home stuff to other stuff. Walk around downtown if small and walkable, go for ice cream, farmers market. Not sure how old your kids are.

If you do this, make sure you know who is paying. I've now had 2 separate instances where someone invited my kid, I sent money just in case and she comes home having spent it all because the invitee paid for nothing. 

If I'm inviting your kid to the movies, I would be buying their ticket, esp because it's easier to buy online, but in one case, she had to buy her own.

Never in a million years would I expect someone who invited my kid for an activity to pay for it unless it were a birthday party. I would absolutely be sending them with enough money to cover their costs and then some, just in case. Even if it were my bff who I do think would actually pay (and we would probably trade off), I still wouldn’t expect her to pay for my kid and I would always send enough money.

[sdlaura]

Re: paying, here I feel like the parents fight over who is paying. I'm always planning to pay for someone's kid, they always send money and/or venmo me, I end up sending the venmo back because I planned to pay, etc. My kids aren't doing so many playdates that I really care who is paying, unless it's like a $100 theme park ticket or something.

[rhian]

Feb 26, 2024 13:30:47 GMT -5 ny96 said:

In theory H wants to be a welcoming house for kids, but not so much in practice. We have a smaller house and not much outdoor space. I always manage these playdates and have no issues taking the lead every time. The kids had friends over yesterday while H was at work, and when he came home (after the kids had left) he told me he was overwhelmed with everything that goes on on the weekends (separate issue), but afterwards DS1 asked for a playdate next weekend. I want to say yes because I want the kids to have friends over, but I don’t want H to have a breakdown and ultimately blame me.

I don't think I fully understand what the issue is if he's overwhelmed by a playdate that happened while he wasn't even at home (Would he have preferred to be at home instead of at work? Was the house messier because of the playdate? Did normal chores/errands that would have gotten done in that time not get done because of the playdate?) I know you said that being overwhelmed was separate from having friends over, but given that you're hesitant to schedule a playdate because he said that, it seems like they are pretty related.

I think I'd start by having a big picture conversation about how you want to support your kids' friendships, what level of comfort you each have with your kids having friends over, what you each imagine weekends ideally looking like for your family, etc - because it seems like those issues need to be discussed before getting into the logistics of how to manage the noise when friends are over.

[ny96]

Feb 26, 2024 16:34:15 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Feb 26, 2024 13:30:47 GMT -5 ny96 said:

In theory H wants to be a welcoming house for kids, but not so much in practice. We have a smaller house and not much outdoor space. I always manage these playdates and have no issues taking the lead every time. The kids had friends over yesterday while H was at work, and when he came home (after the kids had left) he told me he was overwhelmed with everything that goes on on the weekends (separate issue), but afterwards DS1 asked for a playdate next weekend. I want to say yes because I want the kids to have friends over, but I don’t want H to have a breakdown and ultimately blame me.

It sounds like there might be other issues at play? If you’re worried about him having a breakdown then it sounds like there’s a lot going on?

Kid mess bothers my partner more than me (like he cleans up after her throughout the day, whereas I just leave it for the end of the day), but I’m not worried he’s going to have a breakdown. So that’s why it sounds like there are bigger issues here at play then extra noise or mess. Have you talked to him about how he feels? It seems like it would be helpful to know from him specifically what would help/expectations.

So breakdown was a bit of a strong word, but there are definitely other factors at play here. He has a high stress job and has a really hard time with disruptions to schedules or environments. Example: we were planning on going out to dinner on Saturday to celebrate H’s birthday, but I got a text over the weekend that DS2’s best friend’s birthday party had been moved to later in the day and it was now during the time we had planned to go out. I asked him if he wanted to go out after the birthday party, he barked at me saying there’s too much going on, I just want to cancel. Later we talked about it, calmly, and he said that he’s overwhelmed by our weekend plans (one or two things a day) and he would like to go out for his birthday the following weekend, but made me promise we’d make no other plans that day.

We’ve been married close to 20 years and I get him and am not to change him (I know I can’t), but I’m a more the merrier type and that just doesn’t work for him.

[ny96]

Feb 26, 2024 15:37:46 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

Feb 26, 2024 13:57:13 GMT -5 waverly said:

Other options are public parks, taking kids to movies, taking kids to the arcade etc. Which is usually going to be pricier, but might be fun to mix it up a little with in home stuff to other stuff. Walk around downtown if small and walkable, go for ice cream, farmers market. Not sure how old your kids are.

If you do this, make sure you know who is paying. I've now had 2 separate instances where someone invited my kid, I sent money just in case and she comes home having spent it all because the invitee paid for nothing. 

If I'm inviting your kid to the movies, I would be buying their ticket, esp because it's easier to buy online, but in one case, she had to buy her own.

.

I always pay when I take other kids out. Unless the other parents are there I expect that any activities are on me.

[sdlaura]

ny96 we have similar dynamics in our relationship. We have also been together 20 years and I have accepted his routine-oriented/easily overwhelmed personality. He is also on anti-anxiety meds. In quiet moments when we discuss, he wants our kids to have playdates, for us to go on vacations with other families, and for our kids to get to do whatever sports and activities they want, even though that makes our lives pretty crazy. He just sometimes has trouble handling all that in the moment. Every weekend playdates at our house would be a no-go, but he's fine with me leaving most of our kids home with him while I take one kid and a friend to do something fun, for example.

We tend to divide household tasks so that I'm the one that does most of the interacting with people outside our family (like for our new puppy, he orders food, gives baths, hangs with puppy most of the time at home, while I take her for most walks and to the vet). Our friends who hear that he's like that are always surprised - he's a nice and fun person when he does leave the house, and helps coach multiple sports for our kids. He just also needs a lot of home time and has trouble with non-family members in our house frequently. It's a big reason we've always used daycare/preschool/camps outside of our house for our four kids, vs. a nanny or au pair.

[wanderingback]

Feb 26, 2024 16:55:31 GMT -5 ny96 said:

Feb 26, 2024 16:34:15 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

It sounds like there might be other issues at play? If you’re worried about him having a breakdown then it sounds like there’s a lot going on?

Kid mess bothers my partner more than me (like he cleans up after her throughout the day, whereas I just leave it for the end of the day), but I’m not worried he’s going to have a breakdown. So that’s why it sounds like there are bigger issues here at play then extra noise or mess. Have you talked to him about how he feels? It seems like it would be helpful to know from him specifically what would help/expectations.

So breakdown was a bit of a strong word, but there are definitely other factors at play here. He has a high stress job and has a really hard time with disruptions to schedules or environments. Example: we were planning on going out to dinner on Saturday to celebrate H’s birthday, but I got a text over the weekend that DS2’s best friend’s birthday party had been moved to later in the day and it was now during the time we had planned to go out. I asked him if he wanted to go out after the birthday party, he barked at me saying there’s too much going on, I just want to cancel. Later we talked about it, calmly, and he said that he’s overwhelmed by our weekend plans (one or two things a day) and he would like to go out for his birthday the following weekend, but made me promise we’d make no other plans that day.

We’ve been married close to 20 years and I get him and am not to change him (I know I can’t), but I’m a more the merrier type and that just doesn’t work for him.

That makes sense, then I think you really need to talk to him to see what will work for him. I personally would never agree to be in charge of kid activities/play dates 100% of the time but it sounds like you’re ok with that so if that works for you and your family then go for it. Then, from there discuss with your H how to handle it and what he prefers. Does he need ear plugs? To leave the house? Only certain weekends (like every other weekend)? Etc.

[ny96]

Feb 26, 2024 17:07:32 GMT -5 sdlaura said:

ny96 we have similar dynamics in our relationship. We have also been together 20 years and I have accepted his routine-oriented/easily overwhelmed personality. He is also on anti-anxiety meds. In quiet moments when we discuss, he wants our kids to have playdates, for us to go on vacations with other families, and for our kids to get to do whatever sports and activities they want, even though that makes our lives pretty crazy. He just sometimes has trouble handling all that in the moment. Every weekend playdates at our house would be a no-go, but he's fine with me leaving most of our kids home with him while I take one kid and a friend to do something fun, for example.

We tend to divide household tasks so that I'm the one that does most of the interacting with people outside our family (like for our new puppy, he orders food, gives baths, hangs with puppy most of the time at home, while I take her for most walks and to the vet). Our friends who hear that he's like that are always surprised - he's a nice and fun person when he does leave the house, and helps coach multiple sports for our kids. He just also needs a lot of home time and has trouble with non-family members in our house frequently. It's a big reason we've always used daycare/preschool/camps outside of our house for our four kids, vs. a nanny or au pair.

That sounds like us. Thanks for sharing your perspective.

[abs]

So I am your spouse in this scenario. I am an only child and an introvert so sharing my space just doesn’t come easily. It’s important to me for my DD’s friends to feel comfortable here though so it’s just something I’ve gotten over and pushed past. When DD was younger I had to limit it to a 3 hour chunk and did better outside the house. The messes little kids could make was just too much. Now at 13 it’s so much easier. I think I am better with teens and really enjoy talking to DD’s friends and seeing them interact. It takes nothing out of me now when DD has her best friends over. So I’d say give it time and make sure to schedule downtime, too.

[SusanBAnthony]

I can identify with how your H feels. In theory I think the more the merrier but in reality I just HATE having people in my space.

I wonder if there are ways you can arrange things that would make it easier. Like one weekend day is always zero plans, and the other day max 2 things he has to participate in. Or that if there is one or more other plan, kid activities take place outside the house.

IDK. It's tough because if he can only tolerate one dinner out in an entire weekend, that doesn't give you anything to work with. That is beyond introverted.

[fancynewbeesly]

I am a little of both--I am fine with play dates, but I really hand pick the kids that come here. To me a play date should be LESS work for me. And if it is causing me more work or stress, I tend to not have that kid over frequently. Like DD1 always has gravitated towards kids that have ADHD-it is just a fact. I think she is more reserved, and she loves when she makes friends that force her out of her shell.

Because of the nature of some of those kids, I would MUCH prefer DD to go to their houses. However, some kids like my niece and her other best friend, I have zero issues with having all day every day. They are quiet and hang out and come out for food and that is about it. I never had to stop arguments or break up fightings. Or plan activities.

[waverly]

I am not the more is merrier and it can be an issue with younger kids that played by my house outside. I needed to check on them, manage injuries, manage fights and I wasn’t always in the mood for additional work. It’s also gotten better for me now that my youngest is 11. But I’ve had to mediate a fight as recently as 9 months ago to neighborhood friends that weren’t invited and had just shown up.

I would be more in the category of having that 1 friend over that is very low maintenance and doesn’t require parenting but unfortunately we haven’t found that person. Otherwise if I am hosting then I am still doing some of that hosting work. Because of the neighborhood crew we don’t tend to host inside very much. The kids seemed to have moved on from my house to the park so that helps also. They were playing basketball and 4 square at my house with permission, and they were fighting about 4 square.

[scm1011]

Feb 26, 2024 21:36:41 GMT -5 fancynewbeesly said:

I am a little of both--I am fine with play dates, but I really hand pick the kids that come here. To me a play date should be LESS work for me. And if it is causing me more work or stress, I tend to not have that kid over frequently. Like DD1 always has gravitated towards kids that have ADHD-it is just a fact. I think she is more reserved, and she loves when she makes friends that force her out of her shell.

Because of the nature of some of those kids, I would MUCH prefer DD to go to their houses. However, some kids like my niece and her other best friend, I have zero issues with having all day every day. They are quiet and hang out and come out for food and that is about it. I never had to stop arguments or break up fightings. Or plan activities.

I'm the same way. I'm choosey about who can come over for a play date. My kids (especially DS who is more at the play date age) are easy and I'm not looking to make my life harder on weekends. Sometimes I feel bad that I don't reciprocate as much because DS gets asked for play dates a ton (honestly I think BECAUSE he is an easy kid), but I just can't with some of these boys. Kids who sass me or are super destructive just aren't invited back.

OP, I think a middle ground would be good here. Hosting playdates every weekend is a lot, so maybe every other? Or like others said, you take your child and their friend out of the house to a playground or museum or whatever? 

[noodleoo]

ny96 , I get this. I'm your spouse and yet I"m also the one who mostly organizes and manages all the kids activities. I overdid it this winter and signed us up for too much stuff and regretted it! I realized I really need a day with nothing planned every few weeks to recharge myself. It is probably anxiety related, but it gets overwhelming to me when we have too much stuff on the calendar.

I'm also not a big fan of playdates at our house. Similar to scm1011 , my kids are pretty easy and get along with each other well. When we invite other kids over, it is way more work for me and I don't enjoy it, especially at home. I love playdates at playgrounds and outside the house, the kids can be loud and go crazy and it doesn't stress me out the way it does at home. Winters are so hard when there aren't as many easy places to go. It's easy to text a bunch of DD1's friends and say we will be at XX park, come join us vs. meeting at an indoor place which requires much more planning.

So I think it is really important to make sure your H's needs are being met along with the kids and yours. If he needs a day or weekend every few weeks where you guys have no plans, then do it. It sounds like you guys need to have a conversation about it and come up with a compromise. Does he want more unscheduled family time? The kids don't need to have playdates every single weekend to be "a home where friends are always welcome". 

[mrshandy]

I can understand as someone who is sensitive to noise and people up in my space. We're lucky that we have a basement to send the kids down to go nuts. Sometimes we end up hosting more because we have that space. There are things that can be done on both sides. You can try to arrange around H's schedule, send the kids outside, pick and choose the playmates, etc. Another thing to consider are headphones for your H while kids are in the house.

I too want an open house to other kids, but sometimes regret that position. It's a balance that you have to work out. I do think it's important to host sometimes because parents will get resentful if you are never willing to host kids and kids like to show off their space to their friends.

[hermione]

On the subject of paying for other kids, I always expect to pay. If I invite a kid to join us, I pay. If someone invites my kid, I send her with money.

I have very strong core memory of a neighbor inviting my brothers and me to the beach. My mom said she world pack the food since neighbor was taking us. She sent a huge picnic lunch. We were at the beach all day. On the way home, I remember the mom asking my oldest brother if we had any money. He said no. She stopped at McDonald’s on the way home and we watched them eat. It made me feel incredibly bad about myself to not have money. And also jealous of the neighbor kids who got McDonalds. That’s never going to be my kid or any kid in my care.

[expectantsteelerfan]

Feb 27, 2024 10:49:32 GMT -5 hermione said:

On the subject of paying for other kids, I always expect to pay. If I invite a kid to join us, I pay. If someone invites my kid, I send her with money.

I have very strong core memory of a neighbor inviting my brothers and me to the beach. My mom said she world pack the food since neighbor was taking us. She sent a huge picnic lunch. We were at the beach all day. On the way home, I remember the mom asking my oldest brother if we had any money. He said no. She stopped at McDonald’s on the way home and we watched them eat. It made me feel incredibly bad about myself to not have money. And also jealous of the neighbor kids who got McDonalds. That’s never going to be my kid or any kid in my care.

hermione, that is awful.  I feel like the subject of who plays is a totally different issue, but it's one I have strong feelings about too.  I never had anything as overtly awful happen to me, but there were many times I was invited to things as a child and my mom would say no because she wasn't sure who would be paying and we couldn't afford it (like going along to an amusement park, the movies, etc.).

I feel insanely privileged to be able to not let this be an issue for my kids.  If they are invited along with someone, I send them with money (and also luckily, my kids have already been good about listening when I tell them what they can spend the money on, so if I send them with enough to pay for entry and a snack, and the host pays for entry, they don't blow all their money on junk and instead bring home what they didn't need to spend).  And if we invite another kid along, we assume we are paying and offer to pay for everything I would be paying for my kids for. 

It has worked out well so far, and luckily most of time we've made plans with other kids, it's been clear upfront who is paying and it's not an issue.

ny96, I also realized while reading through other responses that this is something that has gotten MUCH easier for us as my kids got older.  I'm much like your partner, and I really hated hosting indoor playdates when my kids were elementary age.  I felt like they needed monitored, entertained a bit, and I also have social anxiety so dealing with parents I didn't know well and figuring out what time they were coming/staying till always stressed me out.  I was honest with my kids that sometimes I just couldn't deal with the extra stress even when we didn't have plans.  But now that they are older, they make their own plans and don't need monitored nearly as much and having other kids over is often easier, or at least not any different really, than having my kids around on their own.  Ds plays video games in the home office, and one of the neighbor kids comes over to play with him after school a lot.  They grab some snacks and disappear into the room, and then I don't see/hear from them again until the kid grabs his shoes and leaves, saying his dad texted that he needs to come home.  I do still hesitate to say yes to sleepovers at our house because those are still a lot for me, but if I'm feeling up to it I will say yes every once in a while. 

[niq]

This is very timely -- we are starting up weekly playdates + clarinet practice, which I am going to supervise while msniq gets "me time", either gardening or doing something chill in the neighborhood.

In practice groups of kids just make a lot of noise by adult standards, unless the kids can stick to reading or puzzle games or crafts. It's very hard to avoid a feeling of chaos in a small house. I have been very "anti-playroom", but now I'm realizing that the playroom is for the benefit of the parents, to keep all the clutter and noise isolated in one part of the house.

[noodleoo]

Feb 27, 2024 12:14:29 GMT -5 niq said:

This is very timely -- we are starting up weekly playdates + clarinet practice, which I am going to supervise while msniq gets "me time", either gardening or doing something chill in the neighborhood.

In practice groups of kids just make a lot of noise by adult standards, unless the kids can stick to reading or puzzle games or crafts. It's very hard to avoid a feeling of chaos in a small house. I have been very "anti-playroom", but now I'm realizing that the playroom is for the benefit of the parents, to keep all the clutter and noise isolated in one part of the house.

Agreed, I think one of the issues for us is we have an open floorplan house so the noise travels everywhere!  Even our basement, which is set up as half playroom/half office doesn't have a door and the noise goes right up the stairs into kitchen/living room where I always am.  I loved our house design prekids but it sucks for this phase with small children.

It sucks for us too because the bedrooms aren't really isolated either, so I can't have adults over after the kids go to bed because we wake the kids up.  Really sucks for socializing for everyone!