Post by jeaniebueller on Feb 27, 2024 14:51:15 GMT -5
My H is like yours, he really only likes having 1-2 activities all weekend and I love being busy. I sort of don't understand why both of you are so involved in these playdates and birthday parties, couldn't you have just taken DS to the birthday party last weekend and your H stay home? My H often does his own thing, or does chores, naps (lol), etc. if my kids have friends over and I supervise--but usually the kids are in their bedroom and i don't have to do much. Playdates can be loud in a small house, but i don't feel like they are a ton of work, the alternative is that we have to entertain the kids which to me is more work than a playdate. But it sounds like you are more involved then that. Also, as your kids get older, they get busier and want to have more of a social life and will have more activities. Your H will need to adjust his expectations. To me, it is unrealistic to expect that my kids don't have any plans on a weekend so that we can have a dinner date. I just don't see how these things are connected.
ETA: for an actual solution, would he agree to capping playdates at like 2 hours? Are the kids staying all day? I find that playdates that go much longer than 2-3 hours, things get a bit dicey. And maybe he could go to the gym or do something self-care like during that time. Or can you rotate your kids going to their friend's houses instead of you always hosting them?
My H is like yours, he really only likes having 1-2 activities all weekend and I love being busy. I sort of don't understand why both of you are so involved in these playdates and birthday parties, couldn't you have just taken DS to the birthday party last weekend and your H stay home? My H often does his own thing, or does chores, naps (lol), etc. if my kids have friends over and I supervise--but usually the kids are in their bedroom and i don't have to do much. Playdates can be loud in a small house, but i don't feel like they are a ton of work, the alternative is that we have to entertain the kids which to me is more work than a playdate. But it sounds like you are more involved then that. Also, as your kids get older, they get busier and want to have more of a social life and will have more activities. Your H will need to adjust his expectations. To me, it is unrealistic to expect that my kids don't have any plans on a weekend so that we can have a dinner date. I just don't see how these things are connected.
ETA: for an actual solution, would he agree to capping playdates at like 2 hours? Are the kids staying all day? I find that playdates that go much longer than 2-3 hours, things get a bit dicey. And maybe he could go to the gym or do something self-care like during that time. Or can you rotate your kids going to their friend's houses instead of you always hosting them?
I guess I wasn’t clear. We’re not involved. I don’t think I’ll even stay at the birthday party, but I need to pick up and drop off. In this instance I think that H is frustrated that his plans got pushed back and so the easiest way to deal with it is just to say rather than figure out the logistics of doing dinner later, we just won’t do it at all. In terms of the play dates we are obviously present at the house, but we’re not involved in what the kids are doing with their friends other than to occasionally check in on them, but the main issue is that H can’t handle chaos and noise, and therefore can’t handle being at home when there are multiple kids (more than just ours) there.
And in regards to no weekend plans because we’re having a dinner date, I totally don’t understand why that’s connected either, but right now for H it is and I’m trying to be respectful of his feelings and also respect the kids need for activities and social lives.
My H is like yours, he really only likes having 1-2 activities all weekend and I love being busy. I sort of don't understand why both of you are so involved in these playdates and birthday parties, couldn't you have just taken DS to the birthday party last weekend and your H stay home? My H often does his own thing, or does chores, naps (lol), etc. if my kids have friends over and I supervise--but usually the kids are in their bedroom and i don't have to do much. Playdates can be loud in a small house, but i don't feel like they are a ton of work, the alternative is that we have to entertain the kids which to me is more work than a playdate. But it sounds like you are more involved then that. Also, as your kids get older, they get busier and want to have more of a social life and will have more activities. Your H will need to adjust his expectations. To me, it is unrealistic to expect that my kids don't have any plans on a weekend so that we can have a dinner date. I just don't see how these things are connected.
ETA: for an actual solution, would he agree to capping playdates at like 2 hours? Are the kids staying all day? I find that playdates that go much longer than 2-3 hours, things get a bit dicey. And maybe he could go to the gym or do something self-care like during that time. Or can you rotate your kids going to their friend's houses instead of you always hosting them?
I guess I wasn’t clear. We’re not involved. I don’t think I’ll even stay at the birthday party, but I need to pick up and drop off. In this instance I think that H is frustrated that his plans got pushed back and so the easiest way to deal with it is just to say rather than figure out the logistics of doing dinner later, we just won’t do it at all. In terms of the play dates we are obviously present at the house, but we’re not involved in what the kids are doing with their friends other than to occasionally check in on them, but the main issue is that H can’t handle chaos and noise, and therefore can’t handle being at home when there are multiple kids (more than just ours) there.
And in regards to no weekend plans because we’re having a dinner date, I totally don’t understand why that’s connected either, but right now for H it is and I’m trying to be respectful of his feelings and also respect the kids need for activities and social lives.
Honestly, this seems like a problem your DH needs to figure out.
It seems like you are doing all these things to help mitigate the issue, and he’s still not able to manage it.
A friend with diagnosed misophonia also used to get super stressed out by kid playdates at his house. Last year they'd finally saved enough to buy a house in the suburbs where it's quieter, the neighbors are a little farther away, and his daughter can have a playroom that's separate from his man-cave/tv room. I had my doubts at the time, but just that lowering of his base exposure to the sounds of other people has done wonders for his mood and ability to handle noisy social situations.
So breakdown was a bit of a strong word, but there are definitely other factors at play here. He has a high stress job and has a really hard time with disruptions to schedules or environments. Example: we were planning on going out to dinner on Saturday to celebrate H’s birthday, but I got a text over the weekend that DS2’s best friend’s birthday party had been moved to later in the day and it was now during the time we had planned to go out. I asked him if he wanted to go out after the birthday party, he barked at me saying there’s too much going on, I just want to cancel. Later we talked about it, calmly, and he said that he’s overwhelmed by our weekend plans (one or two things a day) and he would like to go out for his birthday the following weekend, but made me promise we’d make no other plans that day.
We’ve been married close to 20 years and I get him and am not to change him (I know I can’t), but I’m a more the merrier type and that just doesn’t work for him.
You obviously know your husband and whether to take everything at face value (i.e. overwhelmedby weekend plans) but is there any chance he was irritated that the plans for his birthday were bumped for your son's friend? I am an adult and relatively mature but depending on how things were going to shake out I may have been disappointed if I was looking forward to my own birthday dinner.
So breakdown was a bit of a strong word, but there are definitely other factors at play here. He has a high stress job and has a really hard time with disruptions to schedules or environments. Example: we were planning on going out to dinner on Saturday to celebrate H’s birthday, but I got a text over the weekend that DS2’s best friend’s birthday party had been moved to later in the day and it was now during the time we had planned to go out. I asked him if he wanted to go out after the birthday party, he barked at me saying there’s too much going on, I just want to cancel. Later we talked about it, calmly, and he said that he’s overwhelmed by our weekend plans (one or two things a day) and he would like to go out for his birthday the following weekend, but made me promise we’d make no other plans that day.
We’ve been married close to 20 years and I get him and am not to change him (I know I can’t), but I’m a more the merrier type and that just doesn’t work for him.
You obviously know your husband and whether to take everything at face value (i.e. overwhelmedby weekend plans) but is there any chance he was irritated that the plans for his birthday were bumped for your son's friend? I am an adult and relatively mature but depending on how things were going to shake out I may have been disappointed if I was looking forward to my own birthday dinner.
He’s definitely disappointed, I wish the plans didn’t need to be changed, but it was literally pushing things back by an hour (going out at 7:30pm instead of 6:30pm). But, I do get it in a way.