First love/heartbreak

[nicolewi]

]My just-turned 15 year old just had a horrible breakup over Valentine's Day weekend. She is devastated and really struggling. I poofed all the details.

[waverly]

Oh poor thing. Unfortunately besides therapy and working through her feelings by talking to you and friends and journaling etc. there isn't much to do. Try to take her out and get her doing some fun things and just being there for her. Plan a fun girls day. I suspect like you said that the boys parents said something.

It feels off to speculate on people's sexuality especially when they are kids, so I definitely wouldn't go there. Most high school relationships don't last, kids grow apart and move onto college and careers and find someone else who is a better match. Most first loves are not the one they marry, sometimes it happens, but most times it doesn't.

[pinkpeony08]

It's hard because break ups are hard! I would just support her. A mom on in my neighborhood said they went for a drive together and blasted Olivia Rodriguez songs about breakups and sang really loud along and it helped a bit. It was also something healthy they could do together to cope.

[nicolewi]

You are right;I shouldn’t speculate. I will take that out. I still feel like I should probably delete the whole thing later for my daughters privacy. But it’s really hard for her all of us, too, and I don’t wanna miss anything I could be doing.

[InBetweenDays]

Teenage breakups happen for any and all reasons, including no reasons at all. I would NOT speculate that he may be gay or it may be because of her anxiety. I wouldn't speculate at all actually nor would I focus on the "reason" for the breakup because that isn't what matters here.

Give your daughter space to be sad and vocalize her feelings and be there more as an ear to listen or shoulder to cry on and less for advice (unless she asks for specific advice). Tell her you know it sucks, your sorry it happened, and ask how you can help her feel better.

[waverly]

nicolewi , I'm a little sensitive to it because of how our local town gossiper was acting about a kid who recently came out. She made some very inappropriate comments that evening on several topics.

[cmeon]

You sound awfully hung up in this - do you have your own therapist? You don't want to get in the way of your daughter as she moves on (the healthy thing to do).

He is a kid, too- speculating about his sexuality is cruel and uncalled for. He gave her his reason, he doesn't owe you anything more.

[nicolewi]

I realize the sexuality thing was wrong to say, and I took it out. I’m just really worried about her. Her mental health isn’t great right now. Thank God for the therapist, like I said. But she’s really struggling with this and I wish I could make it better but I can’t.

cmeon that really wasn’t very nice. YES, I am very hung up on this right now!! I am very concerned about my daughter and her mental health with this break up. Our entire family is caught up in this and upset right now. She has been texting me from school all morning about how she can’t stop thinking about him and she’s having stomach pains and she wants to text him, and she can’t focus. It is not good.

[waverly]

nicolewi , You are right you cannot make it better. Time will help. She may need to increase the number of therapy appointments to several times a week and increase the other mental health supports that she has right now.

ETA- and unfortunately those are kind of normal symptoms of a break up.  

[nicolewi]

Feb 28, 2024 11:27:55 GMT -5 waverly said:

nicolewi , You are right you cannot make it better. Time will help. She may need to increase the number of therapy appointments to several times a week and increase the other mental health supports that she has right now.

Yes. Increasing therapy is a good thought. We have an emergency appointment tonight. Her therapist is always booked out way weeks in advance. poof

[waverly]

nicolewi, concerns in terms of cutting or more suicidal thoughts? www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention

[cmeon]

I'm just saying that the way you are handling this as her adult parent is going to affect the way she handles it. Big feelings are normal for her, she is developing the skills to have good relationships in the future. It's going to hurt. She has to grow past it.

She needs you to stay above it, not get caught up in it. Remind her that she is loved, give her all the hugs, and help direct her to the things she used to enjoy.

[jinkies]

I'm sorry she's struggling so much. My son broke up with his first girlfriend the day after Christmas, after dating almost a year. (which at 14/15 is FOREVER). Our situation was different because he initiated the breakup, but I honestly took it kind of hard. I really liked her a lot, and she didn't do anything wrong. They just weren't a good fit for each other.

I am learning to recognize when my emotions are too wrapped up in my kids' emotions. I realized that I was only happy if they were happy, and that their low moods would ruin my day too. It wasn't healthy for me, and I can recognize that I probably wasn't setting a great example for them. I am really trying to consciously step back and be more of a steady presence for them. I'm not saying that's what's happening to you here-- if your daughter is in crisis, absolutely you should try to get her help. But it may be worth considering whether you have an opportunity to step back and support her without escalating the situation to the point that the whole family is upset.

Sorry you are going through this. I hope talking it through with the therapist will help her.

[expectantsteelerfan]

So I missed the OP, and this might be more rambly than helpful, but my dd also has anxiety and is in therapy, and she has an appointment this afternoon where we need to discuss something that I think might also be helpful for you to discuss with your dd's therapist, and that is when to push your dd to use the tools she has to overcome the anxiety she is feeling and when to give in and just help her cope. I do sit in on most of my dd's sessions (as preferred by both my dd and her therapist at this point, dd knows she can always request to talk to her therapist alone if she wants to, but in our case, when she does sessions alone, she tends to say things have been great! and not be able to think of examples when her therapist asks her about specifics, so I can help guide them a bit. Anyway, this past week, dd had a day when she came home bawling saying she had a terrible day, was so overwhelmed, couldn't handle it, had gone to the bathroom crying several times during the day, and she couldn't go to dance and could she just stay home and veg out to recover. And this was something we had specifically been working on, so I did try to push her a little bit and got her to talk more about her day and not catastrophize and calm down and see if she could still go to dance. It half worked in that I got her to calm down and think rationally about some of the things, but she still refused to go to dance. So I don't know if I should have pushed her harder and made her go to dance, or if what I did was right...one of the things she was upset about was a test that was SO IMPOSSIBLE and she was sure she did horribly on, and there was a sub in that class and the class was out of control, and later in the week she found out she got 100% on the test.
I know this is totally different than a boyfriend breaking up with her, but with your dd texting you and her not really being able to function in school because she's so upset, I'd be tempted to try to get her to work through it and 'fake it' through the day even if she's not feeling great. But again, I'm not sure that's the best thing to do, esp. if you're really worried about her and if self-harm is at all a concern. I also brought up to my dd that there were people at school she could seek out for support during the day instead of crying in the bathroom, but she did NOT like the idea of talking to a counselor.

[ginandtonic]

My daughter (who is 16 now, but 15 when it happened) did the breaking up in the fall and even on that side, it's hard - for her and for us. I felt like I ended up coaching her through some stuff and it was hard on me. He's a sweet boy and did nothing wrong, she just wasn't feeling it and didn't want to lie, so I had to make sure I was coming off as always on her side. ALL THAT SAID, how he acted after the breakup actually made it worse for her. He was still a little sad and clingy and kept wanting to TALK ABOUT IT. It aggravated her and he ended up getting mad (not mean, just mad), which I actually think was for the better because now they don't even talk - and that's on him. So if you can get her not to be that person, I recommend it.

The night she did it, we ended up going out to dinner with friends who made her laugh and distracted her. That was really helpful. It's tough - I love that she tells me things and asks my advice, but on the other and there's a fine line with getting overinvolved.

[nicolewi]

Feb 28, 2024 11:39:13 GMT -5 waverly said:

[nicolewi]

Feb 28, 2024 11:53:08 GMT -5 expectantsteelerfan said:

So I missed the OP, and this might be more rambly than helpful, but my dd also has anxiety and is in therapy, and she has an appointment this afternoon where we need to discuss something that I think might also be helpful for you to discuss with your dd's therapist, and that is when to push your dd to use the tools she has to overcome the anxiety she is feeling and when to give in and just help her cope. I do sit in on most of my dd's sessions (as preferred by both my dd and her therapist at this point, dd knows she can always request to talk to her therapist alone if she wants to, but in our case, when she does sessions alone, she tends to say things have been great! and not be able to think of examples when her therapist asks her about specifics, so I can help guide them a bit. Anyway, this past week, dd had a day when she came home bawling saying she had a terrible day, was so overwhelmed, couldn't handle it, had gone to the bathroom crying several times during the day, and she couldn't go to dance and could she just stay home and veg out to recover. And this was something we had specifically been working on, so I did try to push her a little bit and got her to talk more about her day and not catastrophize and calm down and see if she could still go to dance. It half worked in that I got her to calm down and think rationally about some of the things, but she still refused to go to dance. So I don't know if I should have pushed her harder and made her go to dance, or if what I did was right...one of the things she was upset about was a test that was SO IMPOSSIBLE and she was sure she did horribly on, and there was a sub in that class and the class was out of control, and later in the week she found out she got 100% on the test.
I know this is totally different than a boyfriend breaking up with her, but with your dd texting you and her not really being able to function in school because she's so upset, I'd be tempted to try to get her to work through it and 'fake it' through the day even if she's not feeling great. But again, I'm not sure that's the best thing to do, esp. if you're really worried about her and if self-harm is at all a concern. I also brought up to my dd that there were people at school she could seek out for support during the day instead of crying in the bathroom, but she did NOT like the idea of talking to a counselor.

I just wanted to say that I can really relate to all of this, including things, like absolutely freaking out about a project, and then doing really well on it, or refusing to go to dance, and other extracurriculars! This all sounds very familiar. Sorry you have also been dealing with us.