Separated Spouse Won’t Take His Stuff

[trytobearunner34]

My H and I separated in January. He moved out January 30. We share 50/50 custody of our daughter and things are very amicable overall. Our state requires one year and one day of physical separation before divorce so we used a legal site to create a separation agreement, but have not officially arranged legal counsel yet (are planing to utilize a local cooperative law organization).

The only unresolved issue presenting a problem that I’d like to pursue non-legal options for getting him to take his stuff. When he moved out he took two laundry baskets of clothes, some toiletries, and his computer. Maybe a few other things as well; however, 80-90% of his stuff is still in the house which is now, according to our notarized separation agreement, mine.

When he moved out I asked that he take down two fish tanks that were his that he was not planning to take to the apartment and to have his stuff removed by the end of February. He agreed (but like a dummy I failed to include in the agreement 🤦‍♀️). He took the fish tanks down last weekend but the stuff is still here.

Throughout our marriage I did struggle with boundaries and during the first half would end up doing things for him rather than waiting an eternity for him to do it. During the second half I stopped doing things for him and unless they were essential (work, legal matters, financial matters, agreed upon division of labor, or something he wanted to do) they simply would never get done.

I would like it gone and have communicated such each week. Any suggestions for non-legal moves that wouldn’t jeopardize the amicable relationship we have (i.e. putting all his stuff out on the lawn). I am trying to avoid packing it up myself. Might be looking for a unicorn here, but thought I’d put it out there to see what options might exist that I hadn’t thought of…

[mcmel]

“Someone is coming by Saturday to pick up the stuff if it’s still here.”

[simpsongal]

I'd probably pack it up and put it in the garage (or similar side space) - your last action of doing things for him b/c he won't. It just makes it easier to point at a stack of boxes and say - please take these.

[thebreakfastclub]

If the guy never did anything before, he's not going to start now. If you don't want to make it an issue for whatever reason, then you need to pack it up and move it to your basement or attic.

[ssmjlm]

I would box it up because I wouldn't want my space hindered by his stuff. I wouldn't think of it as him not doing something, but as me cleansing the space of him so that I don't completely resent the task.

Then I would let him know it's in the garage and if it's not picked up by X date, you're calling a local charity to pick up.

[momin2013]

I agree with packing it up and leaving it in the garage, then letting him know to come pick it up.

[momof2]

I think you need to reframe this. You aren’t packing it up “for him.” Clearly, he doesn’t care about this stuff. You are packing it up “for you” to get the remnants of him out of your house.

I would pack it up and drop it off at the place he is living. And move on. I would not keep it in my attic, garage, etc.

ETA — if you can afford it, the other option is to hire Got Junk and have them haul it off. But that definitely isn’t “amicable.”

[emilyinchile]

What does he say when you tell him he needs to take it?

[lavenderblue]

My situation was a little different because I had my exH removed from the home and he was not allowed on the property. Because I didn't know when we were going to come to a settlement agreement and I didn't want to keep looking at his stuff, I boxed and bagged up everything and just put it in a corner in the garage. It made things much less traumatic when he was permitted to finally come get his stuff because he only had to go in to the garage.

[mcppalmbeach]

I agree with others that for your own piece of mind and to keep the peace I would do this one last time (and probably fume the whole time, but try not to). Tell him it’s all loaded up for him ready to go and if he hasn’t picked it up by xx date I’ll just be *so dang nice* and call a facility to donate it to on his behalf.

[rhian]

He agreed to remove them by the end of February, as in yesterday? I would ask him about it before doing anything yourself. Something brief and neutral, like, "We agreed that you would remove the fish tanks by the end of February, which was yesterday. Please let me know when you will be coming by to pick them up."

[rhian]

And I would not immediately tell him that you'll get rid of it by X date, because it makes it easy for him to just think, that's fine, I'll just let her deal with it.

[livinitup]

I am going to eco other posters, especially about reframing the whole situation, so you can release yourself from a terrible pattern that you have on repeat with this person.

1st- Good for you for all of your effort in your marriage & for moving on. Even your brief description sounds painful and frustrating.

2nd - He’s not going g to change. You know this. You are divorcing because of this.

3rd- Do what’s best for you, no matter what may be perceived as best for him. This is tricky. “Doing it for him” became a toxic pattern in your marriage and you worked hard to break it. If it’s best for you to leave his stuff where it is until he gets around to removing it, leave it. If it’s best for you to box it up and put it away until he collects it, box it up. This will be a new pattern for you - center yourself on what do/don’t do, don’t center him.

4th- Recognize that the “stuff” is more than stuff - it’s a link to still being there. For both him & you. Beyond his shitty behavior/pattern, he may want to leave a ‘last link’ to being in the home. So, collecting it may be a bigger psychic wound than just a task. Which is shitty on him and for you but it’s also true. It may also be helpful for you to not make this your last stand in a marriage filled with “doing things for him”. Perhaps think of it as yet another example that, even now, he can’t meet you needs. A separation is a trial, so let this be evidence that you are doing the right thing.

If this does turn adversarial, it’s best not to toss the stuff now. Keep it away from your site but safe so it can’t be used against you later. I know it sounds crazy but it’s this tiny issues that look bad on court documents later.

It sounds like you are keeping a good paper trail of requests and dates and actions. Good. Keep that up.

I hope this gets resolved soon. It’s hard but gets better. Good luck.

[starburst604]

I agree with the suggestions to box up his things even thought it's a PITA for you. Sometimes it's easier to just cut your losses to achieve an end goal, so if this last act of helping his helplessness gets the job done, do it. Then I'd give him a couple of weeks max to pick everything up and say something on the 3rd week like "since you haven't picked up your things I assume you don't want them, so I've scheduled a donation pickup for X Date". Do it over text so there's a paper trail of you giving him ample time and opportunity to get his things in case he tries to push back later.

[lilac05]

I agree with others that a reframe is necessary here. It actually serves him best to keep all of his stuff at your place. Right now, you're storing it all for him. He doesn't have to fit half of a home into a small apartment. He's able to almost live like he's on vacation. The clothes and toiletries he needs, and just enough for a fresh start. Not packing it up allows him to just continue living in his little vacation world. Packing it up forces him to deal with it. You're not really doing him a favor by packing it up, you're giving him one final swift kick out the door, showing him that you don't need him or his stuff.

Do this for YOU. Take control and pack it all up and put it in a corner somewhere that you don't have to see it. Make your home a sanctuary for YOU, where you don't have to see his stuff everywhere. Invite a friend over, turn on some good music, and pack up that chapter of life.

While it sounds great to drop it off at his place or give him an ultimatum, I'd try and avoid that, at least for now. Even if you feel like you calmly stated something in writing, the intonation that someone puts on it when they read it can come across very differently. I wouldn't want it to come back and bite you later.

[wildrice]

I would also pack it up myself. I did that when my XH moved out (he left and came back and got his stuff a couple of weeks later) and while I felt some feelings about doing something else for him, I realized it was not FOR HIM but for me to help get the process done quicker. And it was really nice knowing it was the last thing I was ever going to be stuck doing on his behalf. So, pack up his stuff and tell him to come get it by X date. I don't know that I'd go to "or I'll donate it" yet but if he misses the deadline, set a new one and say "and if it's not gone by then I'll be donating it".

[ProfessorArtNerd]

This is my nightmare! I’m terrified my H will eventually do this. He has shit at his parents house, my parents house. Ugh. But I agree, put it aside, tell him it’s there and give him a chance to come pick it up

[gemini79]

Jan 30 to Feb 29th is 1 month to separate, look for a new place, secure the lease, set everything up and also adjust emotionally to this change, plus secure everything he needs to move (boxes, help etc.)

It's possible the time frame that was set out was too tight, and you guys need to sit down and have another conversation about what's really going on. That also includes what you are or aren't willing to do to help move the situation along.

[starburst604]

Ima drop a funny story here re: ex-spouses getting their shit out. My cousin divorced her XH about 10 years ago and after that he married again pretty quickly but it didn't last long. When he moved out of the house he shared with 2nd wife, my cousin kindly let him store some shit in her basement. Fast forward a few years and he's married for the 3rd time, to a woman who is a former friend of the 2nd wife and they HATE each other. Third wife is also a total douche to my cousin and the 2 kids she shares with her XH. My cousin was having her home appraised and wanted the basement cleaned out, so she told him to come get his stuff or it was going on the curb. On the last day of the deadline she gave him, he and 3rd wife show up to get the stuff.

After they left she went down there and he had left a few things, one of them being 2nd wife's wedding gown (WTF). A few days later at a boozy dinner, cousin shares this story with me and our friends. This was fall of 2020 and her XH was already on our list for being a shit dad and refusing to take the kids for his parenting time the last few months "to protect his wife from Covid because she has asthma". Somehow a plan was hatched that we were going to take that wedding gown and display it on her XH's lawn in some way. Our sober friend drove us to get the dress and then to the XH's house. It was Halloween time and as we stealthily pulled up we saw that they had a life-sized skeleton leaning against a tree and the opportunity couldn't have been more perfect. We hope they enjoyed their new Skeleton Bride decoration as much as we enjoyed making it!

ETA: her XH is now divorced from 3rd wife (unrelated to the Skelly Bride caper)

[polarbearfans]

I would give in writing, like an email and text, that if the items he wants are not picked up by x date you will assume he doesn’t want them and you will dispose of them as you see fit. I got several thousand dollars from the crap my ex left selling on Facebook marketplace and returning stuff to stores that were still in packaging.

When he would come for child pickup I would also send him home a box of items until I finally said enough was enough. You want it or you don’t. I am not a storage facility.

[mcppalmbeach]

Mar 1, 2024 10:23:19 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Ima drop a funny story here re: ex-spouses getting their shit out. My cousin divorced her XH about 10 years ago and after that he married again pretty quickly but it didn't last long. When he moved out of the house he shared with 2nd wife, my cousin kindly let him store some shit in her basement. Fast forward a few years and he's married for the 3rd time, to a woman who is a former friend of the 2nd wife and they HATE each other. Third wife is also a total douche to my cousin and the 2 kids she shares with her XH. My cousin was having her home appraised and wanted the basement cleaned out, so she told him to come get his stuff or it was going on the curb. On the last day of the deadline she gave him, he and 3rd wife show up to get the stuff.

After they left she went down there and he had left a few things, one of them being 2nd wife's wedding gown (WTF). A few days later at a boozy dinner, cousin shares this story with me and our friends. This was fall of 2020 and her XH was already on our list for being a shit dad and refusing to take the kids for his parenting time the last few months "to protect his wife from Covid because she has asthma". Somehow a plan was hatched that we were going to take that wedding gown and display it on her XH's lawn in some way. Our sober friend drove us to get the dress and then to the XH's house. It was Halloween time and as we stealthily pulled up we saw that they had a life-sized skeleton leaning against a tree and the opportunity couldn't have been more perfect. We hope they enjoyed their new Skeleton Bride decoration as much as we enjoyed making it!

ETA: her XH is now divorced from 3rd wife (unrelated to the Skelly Bride caper)

I want you all to come be my BFFs 😜

[plutosmoon]

I would box it up and put it out of the way. Let him know what you did and give him one more deadline to pick it up before you dispose of it. Definitely all in email.

My exh was an organized hoarder. He left boxes of trash mixed with important stuff when he moved out. I reminded him of his crap, brought the sentimental items to his lawyer (college diplomas, antique from his grandmother, etc), then I was done. I had a statement put in our decree that he agreed he had removed everything that he wanted from the home. I donate and toss crap as I come across it now. He did get mad because after the divorce was final he asked for some old financial items (mostly tax returns from before we were married), I quoted the decree and told him I didn't have them and that he had the opportunity to take anything he needed or wanted when he moved out.

[sugarbear1]

You're not doing it for him, you're doing it for you. I know that when exH moved out, I was so happy to be in MY own space with only my stuff. You get to make that home yours now, without his belongings. Pack it up, store it, and give him a hard deadline.

[Roc A Bee]

Do you have space in a garage to store it temporarily?

I’d box it up and put it in the garage. I’d keep it amicable until the kids details and other things are finalized. The day that is done, I’d send a message that if it wasn’t out in 2 days, it’s being disposed of. Then you celebrate.

[brooke77]

Agree with PPs. Box it up. Text or email him and let him know that he failed to pick up his belongings as previously agreed by 2/29. They are now packed in X place and you have arranged for his abandoned property to be picked up for donation on 3/15.

I wouldn’t ask him to pick them up. Just let him know the facts and he can do what he wants with that information.

My ex did the same thing and I really regret not just trashing all his stuff earlier. When I moved, I still had his belongings in my basement and garage 5 years later!!

[donutsmakemegonuts]

Mar 1, 2024 10:11:12 GMT -5 gemini79 said:

Jan 30 to Feb 29th is 1 month to separate, look for a new place, secure the lease, set everything up and also adjust emotionally to this change, plus secure everything he needs to move (boxes, help etc.)

It's possible the time frame that was set out was too tight, and you guys need to sit down and have another conversation about what's really going on. That also includes what you are or aren't willing to do to help move the situation along.

I think a month is a reasonable amount of time to get all those things together honestly.  He obviously moved and had a place to live (I'm assuming) so he wasn't out looking for a place during this time.  Most people who move don't have the luxury of leaving belongings behind when they move, they have to take everything then or leave it and that's that.  Just because he knows the person/place he's left his stuff, doesn't mean he can let it sit there forever.  I think OP gave him multiple opportunities and now it's time to come get the rest of your things.  There doesn't have to be a big sit down discussion about it, IMO.

[trytobearunner34]

Mar 1, 2024 8:02:44 GMT -5 emilyinchile said:

What does he say when you tell him he needs to take it?

He comes up with a plan (I will come by on this day/time) and then inevitable something will "come up" or her will "forget" that he said it:/.

[trytobearunner34]

Mar 1, 2024 9:16:51 GMT -5 livinitup said:

I am going to eco other posters, especially about reframing the whole situation, so you can release yourself from a terrible pattern that you have on repeat with this person.

1st- Good for you for all of your effort in your marriage & for moving on. Even your brief description sounds painful and frustrating.

2nd - He’s not going g to change. You know this. You are divorcing because of this.

3rd- Do what’s best for you, no matter what may be perceived as best for him. This is tricky. “Doing it for him” became a toxic pattern in your marriage and you worked hard to break it. If it’s best for you to leave his stuff where it is until he gets around to removing it, leave it. If it’s best for you to box it up and put it away until he collects it, box it up. This will be a new pattern for you - center yourself on what do/don’t do, don’t center him.

4th- Recognize that the “stuff” is more than stuff - it’s a link to still being there. For both him & you. Beyond his shitty behavior/pattern, he may want to leave a ‘last link’ to being in the home. So, collecting it may be a bigger psychic wound than just a task. Which is shitty on him and for you but it’s also true. It may also be helpful for you to not make this your last stand in a marriage filled with “doing things for him”. Perhaps think of it as yet another example that, even now, he can’t meet you needs. A separation is a trial, so let this be evidence that you are doing the right thing.

If this does turn adversarial, it’s best not to toss the stuff now. Keep it away from your site but safe so it can’t be used against you later. I know it sounds crazy but it’s this tiny issues that look bad on court documents later.

It sounds like you are keeping a good paper trail of requests and dates and actions. Good. Keep that up.

I hope this gets resolved soon. It’s hard but gets better. Good luck.

All of this is 100% on point especially #2-4.  Thank you!!!

[trytobearunner34]

Mar 1, 2024 10:07:27 GMT -5 ProfessorArtNerd said:

This is my nightmare! I’m terrified my H will eventually do this. He has shit at his parents house, my parents house. Ugh. But I agree, put it aside, tell him it’s there and give him a chance to come pick it up

Liking for the wisdom in your response, not the commiseration. 


In reading your stories over the years there are a number of parallels between our husbands.  I have written and deleted responses to your posts multiple times because I have never been able to capture what I am trying to say as well as I would like.  But please know that another internet stranger is in your corner when you are ready to head down this road.  

[trytobearunner34]

Mar 1, 2024 10:11:12 GMT -5 gemini79 said:

Jan 30 to Feb 29th is 1 month to separate, look for a new place, secure the lease, set everything up and also adjust emotionally to this change, plus secure everything he needs to move (boxes, help etc.)

It's possible the time frame that was set out was too tight, and you guys need to sit down and have another conversation about what's really going on. That also includes what you are or aren't willing to do to help move the situation along.

I agree the time may have been insufficient given the timeline you have noted; however, we agreed to separate January 6.  

We are separating because we have grown apart and no longer make sense as a married couple, but thanks to counseling get along well despite our differences.  As a result he continued to live in the house as he worked through many of the steps you have noted.  He actually had the keys for the apartment a full week before he began to stay there to allow for deliveries and set up of the new items he ordered. 

He still has a key to the house, is currently in a flexible season at work, and lives two miles up the road so logistics are not at play.  However, I do believe what is at play are some of the psychological elements other people have mentioned which unfortunately I don't think sitting down and talking through would resolve.