TW: Death by depression

[karinothing]

I was going to post this in the randoms but decided I didn't want anyone to read it that didn't want to. So just making a separate post. 

I am really struggling. I posted last week that I lost a friend to depression last week. I think the shock finally wore off this weekend and it was horrible. I just keep replaying our last minutes in my head. I knew something was off the last day I saw her. She was so quiet, and I kept asking if she was okay, but I should have pushed harder or followed up. 

Rationally I know it's not my fault. I know she was sick. But I can't help but think I should be doing more. 

I don't really want to get out of bed or be around people that don't know her because I don't feel like I can't talk to people. 

I don't know. I know it is all fresh. I don't have to be okay yet. This feeling just sucks and its hard and I feel like I am being short with my kids and husband and it's not fair to them (they are understanding). 

Basically everything is stupid. 

[liverandonions]

I am so sorry. It sounds like you noticed her struggle and checked in with her. You were a good friend. I hope her family is at peace <3

[underwaterrhymes]

I’m so sorry.

I know objectively you know this, but since you loved her, it’s hard to see this clearly. There is nothing you could have said or done that could have changed her mind. You were a wonderful friend to her and she is so lucky you were in her world. Give yourself a lot of love right now too. This is hard and awful.

[winnied]

I'm really sorry for your loss and can understand the guilt and concern you're experiencing. As someone who has struggled with depression for 25+ years, all I can tell you is that yes, they were sick, and sometimes the mind betrays you and you have the right(wrong) time and right (wrong) opportunity to act on the wrong things your brain is telling you. Just you even showing up and being her friend was, I'm sure, a balm to her soul and a comfort.

I know sometimes people view death by suicide as selfish, and while I can't speak for everyone, I'll share that in moments I've really struggled it makes all the sense in the world that *I* am the common denominator of all that's wrong in the world and that, if I wasn't around, the people I love and who I know love me wouldn't be burdened anymore. It's hard to explain, and it doesn't make sense to a healthy, rational mind.

[gummybear]

I am so sorry. When my cousin died via depression I shouldered a lot of heaviness that I could have been a better family member and friend to him and I pretty much had my entire life to do it. Please know that it’s not your fault, nothing you could have done or said would have changed her mind, and that this was her decision and it was very, very final. Please be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve. I know it’s much easier said than done but please do not carry the burden of responsibility. You had no way of controlling this outcome.

[karinothing]

winnied, I know she was sick, but it is very hard not to be angry. Especially when her kid had to witness what he witnessed.

[countthestars]

I'm so sorry. We lost a family member to depression over 20 years ago and it's still very hard not to be mad / frustrated / sad / lonely about all of it (at him and at ourselves). Sending you love.

[noodleoo]

I’m so sorry you are struggling and sorry for your loss. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this? Friends who also knew her? It might be worth reaching out to a therapist or your EAP if you have one for support?

My brother died by suicide a few years ago and I struggled too. We weren’t close and I felt even more guilty because of that. I know what you mean about not being able to be around other people. They had no way to understand what I was going through and it was hard to see them act normal when I was deep in grief. The only person I could talk to for months was my sister.

I know it is hard now and what you are going through is normal. Time was the only thing that really helped. I promise it will get easier.

[ssmjlm]

Do you have someone you can talk to like a therapist? Is your office doing anything? There is always EAP.

[winnied]

Mar 4, 2024 11:25:11 GMT -5 karinothing said:

winnied , I know she was sick, but it is very hard not to be angry. Especially when her kid had to witness what he witnessed.

Absolutely, your anger is absolutely valid. My cousin died by suicide last year and his nephew (adult, but still) found him. It's horrible and has downstream effects for years and years to come.

[karinothing]

I don't have a therapist but I think I will find one. I was already feeling down after witnessing the attack I witnessed last month and so this I think just sort of pushed things over I guess?

noodleoo, I am sorry. That is exactly how I feel. It is tough too because her family doesn't want the cause known. So I feel like I can't even be honest with anyone other than her few close friends who know.

[snipsnsnails]

Oh, I'm so sorry. Grief is hard, hard, hard. Add in the complications of grief that come from an ending that is sudden and tragic, and I can say that I severely underestimated the sheer physical weight of grief before I experienced it. It requires so much. Be kind and gentle to yourself. You will struggle. ((hugs)) Try as best you can to not isolate yourself-your family understands. Francis Weller's "The Wild Edge of Sorrow" will break you open in all the ways that are needed. I think Anderson Cooper also just interviewed him on his second season of his podcast about grief. This life is filled with deep, traumatic pain, and at the same exact time, it is filled with overwhelming joyous love-much like the beautiful friendship you shared with your friend. Grief marries the two-pain and joy-that are happening simultaneously, at all times. xoxo

[tacokick]

You have had a rough time of it between the attack and this. Therapy and time will help. I don’t think anyone in your position would be doing very well right now.

[litskispeciality]

I'm really sorry for your loss. FWIW you seem like a really involved, really good friend to have known she was struggling if she wasn't responding to your prompts. Please go very easy on yourself for as long as you need.

Does your company have an EAP? That might help for the short term. There are grief support groups specifically for suicide that may be helpful when you're ready. They focus on a completely different kind of loss.

I wish I had more to offer. Huge hugs.

[noodleoo]

Mar 4, 2024 11:32:19 GMT -5 karinothing said:

I don't have a therapist but I think I will find one. I was already feeling down after witnessing the attack I witnessed last month and so this I think just sort of pushed things over I guess?

noodleoo, I am sorry. That is exactly how I feel. It is tough too because her family doesn't want the cause known. So I feel like I can't even be honest with anyone other than her few close friends who know.

I’m so sorry. My parents and his widow didn’t want to tell people the truth either, so I understand that pain too. The shame around suicide is really awful and makes dealing with the grief so much worse.

[Bad Dingo]

I'm so sorry, sending you love. I think it's ok to feel angry.

[karinothing]

Mar 4, 2024 11:43:07 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

Mar 4, 2024 11:32:19 GMT -5 karinothing said:

I don't have a therapist but I think I will find one. I was already feeling down after witnessing the attack I witnessed last month and so this I think just sort of pushed things over I guess?

noodleoo , I am sorry. That is exactly how I feel. It is tough too because her family doesn't want the cause known. So I feel like I can't even be honest with anyone other than her few close friends who know.

I’m so sorry. My parents and his widow didn’t want to tell people the truth either, so I understand that pain too. The shame around suicide is really awful and makes dealing with the grief so much worse.

It is so hard because I am terrified that the kid is going to find out randomly and I also think he knows since he was there (and is not blind) and the dad refuses to address it. Plus, it has led to so much speculation. It is just a mess. 

[icedcoffee]

I am so sorry. <3

[pumpkin]

I am so sorry. I’ve unfortunately been in your shoes; sending you love.

[calamity]

I'm really sorry karinothing. That is a lot for anyone to go through and process.

I hope you can find a therapist to talk to, or PM someone here who can relate in the meantime. I'm sure many people would be happy to listen.

Huge hugs to you

[rosiebear]

I’m so sorry. Depression is such a fucking liar-your friend wouldn’t have been convinced by anything you could have said. You’re a good friend and it sounds like she had much love in her life. It is inexplicable and I hope you do get some counseling and aid to get through this.

[karinothing]

I am sorry that so many people have experienced this type of grief.

[shauni27]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It could be worth calling 988 (suicide and crisis hotline) to see if they have resources for you if you do not have an EAP.

I think rosiebear is right; you could not have changed this, but noodleoo is also right--you cannot change how you feel right now.

See if you can find other people who either knew your friend or any other connections you have that have also lost friends or loved ones the same way.

NOT AT ALL THE SAME, but when I had a loss I did not want to talk to anyone. I wanted to just be alone and cry in bed and then when I did want to talk, it was to people who had been through what I did. Just hearing other people tell me about their grief and seeing that they survived it and could get through it was so helpful. I hope you can find the support you need.

[mcsangel2]

I know I don't know you or your friend, but I am so, so, so sorry this happened, truly. I can feel the grief in your words. How I wish there was a way to go back in time and change what happened.

[wildrice]

I am so sorry for your loss and that it is so difficult for you right now. I think feeling how you feel is so normal and it's ok to just wallow in it right now without trying to fix it or feeling bad about how much you are struggling. Obviously if you struggle this much for a long time it will be different, but right now just give yourself grace. It wouldn't hurt to talk to someone to help you heal but if you aren't up for that yet it's ok too.

I have not lost someone this way, but I came very close a couple of times. I remember in the aftermath feeling very guilty about the signs I missed and should have intervene on, but as time went on I realized that it wouldn't have made any difference in what she chose to do next - maybe it wouldn't have been that night but likely would have been another. You were a good friend to ask her about how she was doing and it was up to her to accept your invite to share with you. It's not your fault that she made a different choice.

Big big hugs.

[mcmel]

I’m so sorry.

[mrsukyankee]

I'm so sorry. Definitely find a therapist to talk about this with. One thing that our group of therapist and psychiatrist talk about is that even we can't stop people from death by suicide. We just can't. And almost every single one of us has lost someone we've worked with. Knowing this sometimes helps with guilt - if a trained person can't always help or see it, how can anyone else?

[Pom]

I wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. It’s a devastating reverberation in your world. Please give yourself grace. Know that we are out here sending peace and light.

[sarahswim]

I didn’t want to read this without responding; I’m so sorry for your loss, your grief, and your whirling thoughts. Please find someone you can talk to because these aren’t the kind of feelings that just get better with time. Sending positive thoughts to you and the people around you 💚

[picksthemusic]

I didn't want to read and not respond. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. It's so unfair.