Transitioning teen into young adulthood

[jobae1234]

Our high school senior is graduating this spring. She has no plans to ever go away to college (she will go to community college and then transfer to a local four year but has no desire to move out). As she starts part time college and part time work, I’m thinking of how to transition her into a family member who contributes more. Right now she takes care of her own laundry and her own room, and she helps with dinner cleanup, dishwasher, and trash.

I’m not trying to turn her into a house elf but I also don’t want to create a perpetual child who never learns the skills of how to manage a home. For example she needs to learn how to clean a bathroom. For one thing she may well live here until she is 25+, and for another thing she would be doing more of this if she went to college by her third or fourth year.

To the parents who feel they did this relatively well, what did you do? I have started having her set a timer for 20 minutes and use critical thinking to do all the kitchen cleanup she can in that time, rather than give her individual tasks, for example.

We won’t ever charge her rent and I plan to make sure she has plenty of time for her school and work commitments, as those are the priority.

[mccallister84]

Can I ask why you won’t ever charge her rent?

I’m not saying to start the day she turns 18 or the day after she graduates from high school, but my parents didn’t charge my siblings rent and it ended up being a bit of a disservice to them. Almost all of their income then was discretionary so it was harder for them to make the jump to living independently with so much money going to rent, utilities and food.

I think there’s a lot of value in having to pay for things like housing, etc., even if you stick the money in a savings account to return to her when she eventually moves out. And again, I can completely understand not starting this day 1, but just something to consider down the line.

[sonrisa]

One thing to consider is assign her a dinner night each week. I plan to start doing that with my kids. It's her job to plan, shop (or at least list) ingredients and prepare the meal. I have a friend whose family did this starting in high school and it was a good system.

[Patsy Baloney]

I was in-and-out of my mom’s house as an 18-22 year old. I lived away for a year, came back for one, away for 2, came back for a few months after college before establishing myself and permanently moving out.

She never charged me rent and was extremely supportive of me. We had family dinners (sometimes she cooked, sometimes I did), I had cleaning I was responsible for and other chores. She treated me like a roommate but still maintained her parental authority.

I’d just tell her/show her what you want her to do and that becomes her responsibility. Have boundaries set for what you will and won’t do for her and consequences set for when/if she doesn’t hold up her end of the deal.

It would have been really hard for me to move out if my mom charged me rent 😬 it was 2008, everything sucked.

[thejen626]

I would charge her a nominal amount of rent. If you don’t “need” the money, then deposit it into a separate account and give it to her when she moves out. My mom charged me $200/month for rent (this was in 2001) and I do feel that it made me more responsible.

[sadlebred]

Does she have her "own" bathroom. Make her clean it. Show her how first.

[jobae1234]

Mar 5, 2024 22:41:43 GMT -5 mccallister84 said:

Can I ask why you won’t ever charge her rent?

I’m not saying to start the day she turns 18 or the day after she graduates from high school, but my parents didn’t charge my siblings rent and it ended up being a bit of a disservice to them. Almost all of their income then was discretionary so it was harder for them to make the jump to living independently with so much money going to rent, utilities and food.

I think there’s a lot of value in having to pay for things like housing, etc., even if you stick the money in a savings account to return to her when she eventually moves out. And again, I can completely understand not starting this day 1, but just something to consider down the line.

I’d reconsider once she’s out of college and working full time, and put the money aside to give back to her. But it’s really not the point of this post, as that’s probably 5-6 years away minimum. I have zero intention of charging a college student rent. This post was asking about things like chores.

[meanie]

She is old enough to contribute to the planning, too. Tell her you would like her to start a cleaning routine and have her do the research and tell you how she plans to contribute. The best way to teach executive functioning skills is leading by example and lots of guided practice.

There are other skills outside of household stuff that would be great to learn before being on her own - managing insurance, appointments, financial budgeting, etc.

[CurlyQ284]

My mom always did my taxes for me when I was young, but with SDs after high school I had them sit down and do their own taxes on TurboTax with me nearby if they needed help. It only took 2 years, now they are pretty confident to do their taxes. I have friends with simple financial situations that are still too afraid to do their taxes and pay hundreds for accountants just to enter W-2s basically.

[mrsukyankee]

During high school, my parents asked both me and my brother to cook one meal a week and clean one room a week (either bathroom or kitchen - we'd flip between them so no one would be stuck with bathroom duty every week). We also had to do our own laundry and keep our rooms clean to our own standard (door closed as we weren't very tidy - but no food was allowed in the room). I think having to do all that set us up for university, so you could do a similar thing. When I was living with them during grad school, the same thing applied though I didn't have to let them know exactly what I was doing when out, just to give them an idea of if I was coming home or staying out late (no mobile phones during that time).

[orval]

I have a 17 yr old so not quite there but I would start working with her on things you do.
-grocery shopping/meal planning, budgeting for food - I like the planning one meal a week idea.
-cleaning bathroom but other things like vacuuming, cleaning out the fridge, baseboards -- it doesn't have to be all the time
-outdoor tasks - lawnmowing, trimming, using a drill/hammer/screwdriver -basic tool use
-bill paying - get her a credit card(or an authorized user) and make her pay the bill, monitor it, go over it with her. Potentially go over household bills so she has an idea of the costs/monthly obligations
-help her start a Roth ira so she gets the habit of saving (once she starts working)

[dirtyred]

I know as a child I hated this, but I was cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, cleaning baseboards, and waxing floors when I was ten (not all every week, but on a rotation).  When I was in high school, my parents had me do the household budget.  They showed me my dad's paycheck stub, and we went over withholdings and taxes.  Then we looked at all the things the money had to cover--mortgage, insurance, gas, utilities, food, clothing, you name it--so I could see how making $X didn't actually mean you had $X to spend. And when my parents said something wasn't in the budget, I knew exactly what they meant.

[erbear]

My 7th and 9th graders cook once a week, do the dishes, and clean their own bathroom. They do their own laundry.

[leahcar]

My oldest is also 17 and a graduating senior. She is (likely) going to be 2ish hours away in a dorm.

She already cleans the bathroom she shares with DD3. She also has a few recurring chores that she is expected to execute with minimal/no reminders.

At various times, she’s been responsible for the full execution of a meal per week. We started that when she was 14ish? She would research recipes, add the stuff to the grocery cart, and then make the meal.

I think it’s important to pay some bills just to learn that responsibility. Maybe she contributes to her tuition? Or gets a credit card she pays off? Car/insurance/phone?

[wanderlustmom]

Yes we have one that age too. I think it’s right to have the chores bump up when they become an adult and it’s okay to charge some rent and have the rent move up as they age.

I think at 18, he or she can pay for gas, spending money, cook one meal a week and some other direct chores.

[ssmjlm]

When I moved home after grad school my parents asked me to pay my portion of car insurance and my cell phone. They didn't charge me rent because the deal was to put everything extra toward the loans I took for grad school.

My dad retired around the same time, so my mom had him doing most of the cooking since she and I were working. I know I did my own laundry, but not sure on cleaning. Probably in between, but we had a cleaning service.

Car maintenance and gas were also on me. Plus fun money, etc.

[Jalapeñomel]

What does she do for chores now?

I would make her do all the things she'd be required to do if she lived on her own: clean her room, the living area, dishes, laundry, car insurance/maintenance, phone bills, do her own dinner or cook a couple nights a week, grocery shop.

[dontlook]

I’m not there yet as my oldest is 13 but my plan is to make a list of household chores and have her pick what she wants to do. She might not do it all but I want her to see what it takes to manage a house.

Once she’s working I do plan to charge her “rent” for budgeting purposes but I plan to give her the money when she leaves and hope to match that amount as a gift.

Grocery shopping and meal planning every other week.

[bex1973]

I love the idea of planning and preparing a meal or 2 during the week!

Even though they plan to stay local for school it's important to consider the fact that they still need to spend time on campus and get connected there - maybe working on campus, joining student orgs and stuff like that. I've worked in higher ed for years and have always been at primarily commuter schools and lots of my students spend ALL day on campus. That sense of belonging is super important to retention. All that to say - consider that time when deciding what they should do at home.

One thing I was not taught and REALLY wish I was taught is managing money and budgeting and I really struggled with that as a young adult. So maybe it's not paying bills or managing only her budget but maybe she can work with you on the household budget. Maybe starting with particular areas like groceries?

[simpsongal]

Some good ideas here - I'd just be ready to made adjustments and new rules as you go and figure things out. I was pretty thrifty and responsible, my parents didn't have to set rules for me like this. So I think a lot of this is kid dependent. For me, I'd also be willing to help more around exam times; I'd also want to see grades.

My neighbor has a senior in college and he was just saying his daughter texts for extra money and then posts pictures of doing fancy/expensive things like skiing, going out to eat, etc.. He wasn't happy, seems they didn't have an honest conversation about money and expenses, and she's not living the reality of being a poor 22 yr old. It's going to be a rude awakening for her when she enters the workforce....

[gottadobe]

I never charged my son rent. He started doing his laundry and cleaning his bathroom, putting dishes in the dishwasher away after school every day, when he was about 10 years old (don't let me come home to a dirty kitchen after work). His job while in college, was to go to college (he held various PT jobs). He was full-time and I see your daughter will be part-time, with part-time work. Basically, my only ask was don't make more work for me, rather than have him take on things I would already be doing for myself. I cooked because my schedule allowed the cooking. If she's working/at school will she be able to make dinner? He basically took care of everything for himself (his dishes, his laundry etc and mowed the lawn for me).

[VillainV]

Mar 6, 2024 6:16:55 GMT -5 jobae1234 said:

Mar 5, 2024 22:41:43 GMT -5 mccallister84 said:

Can I ask why you won’t ever charge her rent?

I’m not saying to start the day she turns 18 or the day after she graduates from high school, but my parents didn’t charge my siblings rent and it ended up being a bit of a disservice to them. Almost all of their income then was discretionary so it was harder for them to make the jump to living independently with so much money going to rent, utilities and food.

I think there’s a lot of value in having to pay for things like housing, etc., even if you stick the money in a savings account to return to her when she eventually moves out. And again, I can completely understand not starting this day 1, but just something to consider down the line.

I’d reconsider once she’s out of college and working full time, and put the money aside to give back to her. But it’s really not the point of this post, as that’s probably 5-6 years away minimum. I have zero intention of charging a college student rent. This post was asking about things like chores.

But if she was away at college, she would likely have to go through the exercise of paying rent and utilities, even if you gave her the money to do that. There may be some benefit to giving her an “allowance” and some “monthly expenses” so she learns about budgeting, prioritizing needs over wants, etc.

[chickadee77]

This is maybe more academic than practical, and my kids are a LOT younger than yours. So several grains of salt and all that.

I have lists of main cleaning tasks for each area of the house, and the kids rotate so they get used to what "clean" means for different places.

My oldest has a bit of anxiety over someday moving out, so this year, I plan to work with her to look at various things like how much money does it cost (rent, utilities, internet, insurance, etc.) and basic tax info to help alleviate some of the mystery.

Just some thoughts.

[wanderingback]

She should def have to do chores like if she was living alone or with a roommate. Not just her room and bathroom but she gets in on the rotation of deep cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming, etc.

She should def cook for herself/the family (depending on everyone’s schedules.

She should have to pay for all her incidentals like soap, deodorant, clothes, gas. Sit down and teach her how to budget. Simple rule is 1/3 to needs, 1/3 to wants and 1/3 to savings.

[waverly]

My parents always said go to school or pay rent. So if we were in school we didn't pay rent, but if we were working we did. For financial literacy, I had savings, jobs, and student loans and out of that paid my tuition, part of car insurance, part of my phone, food, toiletries, school supplies.

I didn't live at home during college. But in high school I did all the laundry, folded and put away my clothes and towels. Cleaned my bathroom, dusted the whole house, vacuumed the whole house. Occasionally vacuumed the stairs. Did cat litter, helped to take out garbage, made a menu, grocery shopped (with my mom), cooked at least 2 dinners a week because mom was in night school and more.

[glitzy07]

This may sound silly at that age, but I recently came across an IG account that talks through the idea of "Notice & Dos". The idea being that the mom (or dad, but mostly mom) shouldn't be the only person who is capable of noticing things that need to be done and delegating. Instead, kids of all ages can be taught how to notice on their own what tasks need to be done around the house and be able to do them.

It starts with modeling the minimum standards, like going around the living room and showing the child (of any age) what the minimum expectation is for a clean/tidy room. At my house, a tidy living room means that the remotes are put back in their container, blankets are in their basket, the surfaces are dusted, etc. Then you can work with the kids to notice when things need to be done.

The person who runs the account has a list of 3 things her kids need to do every day (age appropriate), and then will ask her kids to do X number of "Notice & Dos". I haven't paid to take the actual classes that she offers, but she said she has some scripts and ideas for teenagers in them. But I also think you could come up with things that could be age appropriate on your own, and things that the teen would eventually have to do on their own.

Could they notice that...
- The inside of the fridge really needs to be wiped down
- The hamper is full of towels that could be washed
- That it's been a while since they've dusted a certain space
- That certain condiments are running low and could use replenishing

Just a thought! My 17yo stepson doesn't live with us full time but now that I know about this concept, I'm absolutely implementing with my younger (10 & 8) boys so that they can start to notice things needing to be done, rather than waiting for me to delegate tasks to them. Hopefully their future roommates will appreciate this. Haha

[mcsangel2]

She needs to be in charge of her own appointments - keep track and call and set appointments to see the dentist every 6 months, the PCP yearly or as needed, and if she has her own car, keep track of maintenance and get the oil change and tires rotated regularly. I wasn't taught anything about cars at all, so the 20 year old beater my parents gave me when I graduated HS lasted about a year because I didn't know oil changes were a thing. (at least the car was already a piece of junk when I got it).

She pays her own cell bill, and gas and car insurance.

I'm going to jump on the charge her a nominal amount of rent bandwagon here - $100 or $200 a month. It will help her learn budgeting and how to juggle bills, and that IMO is the most important thing you can teach a young adult. If you don't want to do that, I highly recommend making her responsible for buying all her food as well.

Show her how to file her own taxes if she doesn't already know how.

Also, why only part time community college and part time work? Full time is 12 credits, that's only 4 classes. That leaves plenty of time for a part time job, or the other way around, she could work full time and go to school part time. Part time/part time is leaving a lot of time on the table.

[Roc A Bee]

Our plan with our 11th grader is to not charge rent as long as she’s a full time student. If for some reason she only wants to work, then she must pay rent.

She will pay her own gas and car insurance.

This summer I’d like to have her make one dinner a week.

Also my parents did none of this. I did live at home through college but there was no prepping me to move out. I just did, and I did fine. I know SD will be too.

[fn2187]

I didn’t read the responses, but if you take vacations without her, it’ll be a good time for her to learn to manage alone and take care of the household.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Mar 5, 2024 23:04:12 GMT -5 Patsy Baloney said:

I was in-and-out of my mom’s house as an 18-22 year old. I lived away for a year, came back for one, away for 2, came back for a few months after college before establishing myself and permanently moving out.

She never charged me rent and was extremely supportive of me. We had family dinners (sometimes she cooked, sometimes I did), I had cleaning I was responsible for and other chores. She treated me like a roommate but still maintained her parental authority.

I’d just tell her/show her what you want her to do and that becomes her responsibility. Have boundaries set for what you will and won’t do for her and consequences set for when/if she doesn’t hold up her end of the deal.

It would have been really hard for me to move out if my mom charged me rent 😬 it was 2008, everything sucked.

I had a similar experience. After my law school disaster, my mom let me live rent free as long as I had a job, paid my own bills including car note and SL. She later let me extend my rent free stay when I went back to school for my paralegal certificate since I was cash flowing that myself. I couldn't afford school AND rent so mom let me stay. I ended up moving out my final semester. 

We lived like roommates but there an expectation that I would fill her in on when I was coming/going. I learned the hard way that spur of the moment nights at a boyfriend's house w/o checking in were frowned upon