My child came out as TG and I’m having surprising feelings

[rosiebear]

My oldest child’s 24th birthday was yesterday, and they FaceTimed their dad and I. They told us they’re transgender, intend to start living as a woman, and would like to be addressed by a different name (although they lamented the loss of their original name, which is an awesome name). Obviously, their dad and I expressed support and love and they did say “I don’t expect this to change anything. I know you love me.”

I am gobsmacked and grieving and I don’t know why. I love my kid forever and always, and there is nothing “gendered” about my love. So why can’t I stop crying?

I know a few things: they can’t see me cry over this - my #1 job is to show unconditional support. My feelings are not their burden.

I need to get my own support system.

This is a total shock. They never expressed gender dysphoria or crossed gender norms until very recently. This isn’t one of those situations where a child comes out and a parent says “of course! Everything makes sense now!” I honestly don’t think I was just blind to it. They did date transgender women and were somewhere on the gay/straight spectrum but I didn’t think that correlated to gender dysphoria. But maybe it does? I am quite ignorant about this stuff, admittedly.

I am frightened for them. People are horrible toward TG people and they will be clocked as TG; I fear for their safety. We live in a relatively safe bubble of a city, but still. Several of their friends are TG or nonbinary so at least they already have some community.

I don’t know. This is so new and I feel bad for feeling so sad and shocked. Does anyone have experience or advice? I’m going to jump on some PFLAG support groups when I am more in control of my emotions. Thank you for reading.

[erbear]

Hugs to you, and kudos for your parenting up to this point that allowed your child to know that they would be accepted and loved by you ❤️

I don’t have personal experience but do have several close friends who have navigated this recently. All of them have had the same reaction as you and I think that’s typical and must be expected — you have to mourn the loss of the child you saw in the future in order to adjust to the child you do have. I have seen those friends cry…a lot…and say things that they didn’t think they would say. But you’re right — they never show that to their kids.

I’d encourage you to see a therapist who specializes in this work. I think that could be incredibly useful in navigating your own complex feelings while supporting your child. Hugs to you.

[gretchenindisguise]

Your emotions are valid and you're absolutely correct that it's ok to experience them but don't make it your kids burden to walk through with you.

They have been thinking and processing this for likely months. You are also allowed to now think about and process this for likely months.

I'm glad you're reaching out for support.

[maudefindlay]

Our neighbor's oldest is a transgender woman, transitioned in her teens. The parents are so supportive of her, but they did grieve some the Mom said as they knew their son for 15 years and the name changed, it is a whole shift. So I think this is normal to have these feelings. You are such an accepting poster, your kids are lucky to have such an open minded parent. You will likely make missteps, but if you own it and talk thru it I think that goes a long way.

[underwaterrhymes]

As long as you show love and support for your child, you are doing great. Give yourself a lot of grace because I don’t think there is a parent in the world who wouldn’t struggle with a sense of loss or fear with news like this. ❤️

[wildrice]

I don't know that I have advice, but I hope you will give yourself grace. I think it says a lot about you and your relationship that they said they knew you loved them no matter what - so many kids don't have that or can't feel confident about it. Your kid knows you are in their corner no matter what and really, that's the most important gift you can give them, especially as their start this transition.

It's ok to have these feelings, especially since what I am hearing the strongest is fear for them. That's natural - you love them and this is not something you saw coming!

Big hugs and love your way.

[themoneytree]

You don’t need to wait to be in control of your emotions - PFLAG groups are for these very moments. You can sit, not speak and cry the whole time. Or share and cry the whole time. It’s all ok.
You may find that you leave your first meeting feeling so much more held and with a better understanding. Or it may take longer.

I cried through my first meeting and shared and probably sounded like a fool. But I felt so much better afterwards. I basically dragged my ex husband to a meeting after weeks of struggle and I could tell it was helpful for him too. I cringed at some of the things he said, but no one else batted an eye.

These are really important weeks and months for your child and your family. Sending you tons of support and encouragement.

Remember that this has likely taken your child a long time to think through and get to. You are having the info brand new, but your reaction matters. It’s also ok to grieve. I am so glad our kid has a gender neutral shortened name so that hasn’t changed. It will take time and practice.

Wish you all the best and get to a meeting as soon as you can. Hugs.

[konapoppy]

A dear friend is navigating this as well. You are clearly very thoughtful. I think it is normal to be supportive of your child, grieve the future you may have envisioned, and be concerned about their safety. You are a parent after all. And to your point, your feelings aren’t their burden to carry. I really hope the support groups are helpful to you.

[fivechickens]

I think it is normal to grieve the loss of your child as they were to how they are now (to them always were). The fact that they know your love for them is always there regardless says a lot about your parenting.

My BFF is gay. He has always had supportive parents in life but it took them awhile to process that he is gay. He always knew they would get to that point and they did like just like your child understands that for you.

Give yourself some grace.

[themoneytree]

Adding: Yes people can be horrible. We are also in a bubble of relative safety but we won’t travel to Texas or Florida until it feels safer.

We do have the added challenge of everyone having an opinion of the age of our child when they came out (non binary, female at birth).
When I got over feeling protective and concerned about other’s opinions I have found people very supportive. Even those who don’t ‘get’ it and have no experience with the community.

Additionally through group meetings I have learned there are many ways of addressing this change in older kids with friends and neighbors. Some say nothing and let people figure it out. One couple wrote letters to everyone on their street letting the neighbors know that their child was now a woman with a different name.
Another sent a ‘birth announcement” for their adult daughter.

Don’t worry about others and remember your child’s happiness comes before ANYTHING else. It would be nice if our kids chose an easy route to happiness, but this isn’t a choice. It’s something that just is. It will be ok. Remember the more support they get the better the outcomes. Also remember that support totally changes the statistics so don’t worry about that either and support, support, support.

[redheadbaker]

I think it's normal to grieve the loss of the child as you knew them. I think I would also cry because of how hard I know their life was going to be going forward.

Is there a PFLAG chapter near you?

[W.T.Faulkner]

Your parenting has been a race well-run if your child rests easy about the depth of your unconditional love during a transition like this one.

Feelings are involuntary — you can’t control them, no matter how hard you try, and any sadness, fear, or grief you feel is not indicative of your beliefs about gender, or your love for your child. Personally, being a mother broke my heart wide open. I’ve cried much more over far less, lol.

What matters (as you know) are your actions and words to and about your kid. Your post oozes with love for your kid. I think that love will guide you into finding appropriate supports. Just please be as gentle and supportive with yourself as you are with them.

[rosiebear]

Thank you, all of you. I’m reading and thinking and appreciating all of your posts. I’m not responding only because I’m still feeling pretty overwhelmed, but please know that I appreciate all of your responses and support.

[scm1011]

Big hugs. Your feelings are completely natural. Not at all the same I know, but my DS went through a time at age 3-4 when he insisted he was a girl and we really thought we would be navigating life with a TG child. I was also very surprised by my feelings. I had so much anxiety and panic and “no, I don’t want to deal with this!” and I consider myself incredibly progressive. It’s ok to feel your feelings - like others said, it’s not really within your control. You are doing a great job mom - your child is lucky to have you during this transition.

[chilerellanos]

I went through these same feelings when my oldest came out to me for being transgender, and it was a shock, and I was supportive and loved my child, but I did have to go through some emotions.

It is also scary, yes. I live in the Midwest, and the climate isn’t great. But my friends and family have been super open and supportive, and they are making a really happy life for themself despite the social climate. Your love and support will go a long ways towards them being able to live authentically.

They’re about the same age, my oldest is going to be 25 in May, but was a senior in HS when I found out.

Give you self grace for all your feelings.

[mcppalmbeach]

Sending you all the love. One of my bff’s child is transgender, well maybe more gender fluid. They’re kind of working it out and that’s okay. Like everyone else said, give yourself grace. It’s of course ok to grieve the child you had and, yes, for me I would grieve the “easy” life they have as a cisgender person. I think if you are struggling pflag groups and a therapist sound like great ideas to me. Your kid knows you love them and you have 100% won the battle there.

[expectantsteelerfan]

Hugs and love to you and your child. All I keep thinking is, change is hard, and this is a big change that was unexpected. I think it warrants whatever time you need to process and grieve.

[mofongo]

((rosiebear)) your feelings are valid, and I’m sure you’re not alone. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to process. You’re a wonderful mother, and human!!

[basilosaurus]

Feelings are feelings. They don't always make logical sense. What you feel is fine. It's a shock no matter how supportive you are.

Maybe look up your local pflag? I have volunteered with pflag in multiple locations, and there were people like you as well as people like your child that provided guidance to other parents.

[emilyinchile]

FWIW I think your feelings are really understandable, and I'm glad that you are already thinking about how you can find some support for yourself. You sound like an amazing mom for your child to be so confident in your love.

[shauni27]

You are clearly incredible parents if your child feels so safe knowing that you will love them unconditionally.

It’s a lot to process and grieve the child that you knew, the fear you have for their safety, the worry you have, the questions…it’s ok. Sending love and hugs; my sister is a queer therapist and while she mainly works with clients who are also queer, she is a wonderful resource and might help you with your feelings. Maybe try to find a therapist who specializes in gender and queerness who you could speak with?

[followyourarrow]

Sending you and your family hugs. It's totally ok to be overwhelmed with this. You probably had a picture in your mind of how your child was going to grow up, and now it's changed, it's a lot to process! And of course the fear that this is going to be hard for them is very valid.

[Pilsy]

Big hugs. I echo the other posters' sentiments.

[Wallflower]

I have nothing to offer from the perspective of transgender, but I often remember a friend's comments when they were expecting. They found out they were having a boy and my friend said that they were excited for that, but that they were also mourning all the "what ifs" of a girl. That they were juggling two very different emotions. I imagine your situation may be a little like that, you're mourning for all the what ifs. In time, you'll get excited for all the new things this will bring, but it will take time.

((rosiebear))

[honeydew1894]

Hugs to you and your DC. It is clear how safe they feel with you. I think your feelings are normal, and it will take some time to process for sure.

[mrsukyankee]

Everything I would have said has already been written, so I'm sending hugs and high fives, as you should get both.

[sonrisa]

I recommend looking for a support group - in person or online, for other parents. I know we have had a lot of recommendations for PFLAG in here and my only caution is to look for something specifically for parents of transgender kids, particularly adult children. There is enough to process without navigating the transphobia of some ‘Allies’ and you are facing a very different situation from someone whose child transitions while in their care (not harder or easier - just very different than a grade or middle schooler).

In terms of feeling like it came out of the blue: you are not alone. I know people who were surprised by kids (or spouses) of every age. It doesn’t mean you don’t or didn’t know your child.

A year from now, all that is new about this will feel normal. Like any change, it takes time to settle in.

[justemily]

Hugs coming your way. From the response from your child, you're doing great as parents, and they are lucky to have you.

That being said, your feelings are valid, and like others have said, you're not alone.

[picksthemusic]

Echoing everyone else, you're doing a great job with everything. Support and love!

[cville]

Girl, my daughter came out to me as bi (since revised to be "not straight," whatevet that means), I'd suspected for years, I could not and will not love her any less, I'm an enthusiastic supporter of LGBTQ rights and friends, and I still cried (not where she saw, obviously).

I'm a straight heteronrmative lady. And her mom. From a different generation. With different interests and skills. It was yet one more thing we *don't* have in common and that I don't and can't really understand in the same way. It felt like another potential wedge of separation. It hasn't been. And kids growing and separating from their parents is expected and normal. But I still was very what does it MEAN?!?!? For us?!? For her?!?!! For life?!? And I cried.


Eta: And my experience is very different than yours, which includes not only finding out your adult child is a different gender in this political climate, but a name change. Of course you are feeling these feelings. Of COURSE. That doesn't mean that down deep you're a terrible secret bigot. I promise.