Would you buy a gift?

[CrazyLucky]

I have an issue with baby showers where only females are invited, regardless of the relationship.  DH and I have been together 23+ years.  He has two stepbrothers, but by the time I met DH, all the kids were scattered and so I have met stepbrother-in-law only three times.  We're perfectly pleasant to each other, but it's not like there is a relationship.  SBIL and his wife are expecting their first baby.  I have never met the wife.  I was invited to her baby shower.  Guests are supposed to bring a book, a pack of diapers, and a gift.  I am not going.  But I'm trying to decide what to do regarding the gift.
My first time creating a poll.  Choices are:
Yes, I'd buy diapers, a book, and a gift.
Yes, but just a gift from the registry.
No
Tell DH to deal with it since their his family.

[katb]

It's his family, even if extended, and after 23 years - they are yours too. Unless financials or other issues are prevelant, I would buy all expected and send it to them. At the very least, a gift or gift card off their registry.

[sonrisa]

Apr 8, 2024 7:26:56 GMT -5 katb said:

It's his family, even if extended, and after 23 years - they are yours too. Unless financials or other issues are prevelant, I would buy all expected and send it to them. At the very least, a gift or gift card off their registry.

I disagree - a present from someone who doesn’t know them is no where near as meaningful as one from a sibling.

Your husband should be the one to send them something, you can sign onto the card as well but it really should come from him. A shower invite doesn’t control the core relationship here - which is between the men. So that is who should send *and*!br the recipient of the gift. I’d probably check in with DH and offer to get a childhood book that has meaning to him (since I’m the big children’s book buyer in the family - and if he didn’t have an answer, I’d remind him of favorites he read to our kids) but it’s his loved one and any real meaning would come through him.

[bex1973]

Apr 8, 2024 7:26:56 GMT -5 katb said:

It's his family, even if extended, and after 23 years - they are yours too. Unless financials or other issues are prevelant, I would buy all expected and send it to them. At the very least, a gift or gift card off their registry.

Uhhh... That's not really how gifts work IMO

[candreco]

I'd send a book and write a short note in it, and call it a day. But I like buying picture books and my kids have long outgrown them!

[ssmjlm]

Send a gift if you want. I would probably just phone it in with a gift card.

[charlatti]

If I’m not going to the shower, I’d just buy something from the registry and have it shipped directly to the recipient (or make my H do the same, but I like looking at registries, so I’d enjoy it more).

[jinkies]

I'd send a card with a gift card to wherever they registered and call it a day. Whether you or your H buys the card is up to you. I would probably get it only because I'm the grocery shopper in the family and so I'd just pick it up while I'm there. If it involved a special trip I'd make him do it.

[felicity]

I would send a gift of your choosing, addressed to the SBIL and his wife, signed from your H and you.

[orangello]

In my mind, the diapers and books are the “in person” stuff. Since you’re not attending, I’d send a gift of your choosing from the registry. Even better, make your H do it since it’s his relative.

[yourmother]

This is one of those things where I’d spend 5-10 minutes on it by buying something off the register, having it shipped directly and then forget about it. I wouldn’t overthink this too much.

I don’t bother with a card in situations like this where I’m not close to the recipient.

[penguingrrl]

I would definitely have H handle it and decide what he wants to do. In our case, H and I would probably pop onto the registry together to see what gift is in our price range and we want to send just because we do those things together a lot. Both names would go on the gift.

[meanie]

We have always sent diapers when distance or other circumstances prevented us from giving a gift in person. IMO it is hard to know what the couple actually still needs by the time they get around to using the gift and diapers are ALWAYS good to have! I buy up a size - usually 1's or 2's - since a lot of people might get them NB diapers.

[fernweh]

I would send a gift card for the store they are registered and call it a day.

[Patsy Baloney]

Oh, I see. I didn’t quite understand what the deal is about the invitation coming only to you. I had to re-read a few times. I don’t think single sex showers are a hill to die on, but you do you.

I probably wouldn’t send a gift, because it’s just one more thing for me to do. If you want to expend the cash and mental energy, have something shipped directly to them.

[VillainV]

If you’re not going, then I don’t think you need to send a gift unless you really want to. It sounds like you’re not close?

If you H wants to send a gift, or if you want to send a joint gift, I think any of the requested items would be fine, or anything else he/both of you feel like sending. No need to overthink. A book, a blanket, a gift card, some diapers…whatever. Or nothing is fine too.

[konapoppy]

I really think there is no wrong answer, as long as you don’t care about any “fallout” - whatever that means here - if a gift isn’t sent.

If I delegated to my husband, it wouldn’t happen. Which would probably annoy me from a mental load perspective, so easier for me to order off the registry in the time it is taking me to write this post.

If you don’t care at all, delegate to husband and don’t give it a second thought.

[eddy]

I would just send a gift card and call it good. 

I would not ignore and not send a gift. 

[rubytue]

Apr 8, 2024 8:50:34 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

I really think there is no wrong answer, as long as you don’t care about any “fallout” - whatever that means here - if a gift isn’t sent.

If I delegated to my husband, it wouldn’t happen. Which would probably annoy me from a mental load perspective, so easier for me to order off the registry in the time it is taking me to write this post.

If you don’t care at all, delegate to husband and don’t give it a second thought.

This is me. I have tried to delegate all his family presents to him, after a horrible experience probably 10 or 12 years ago I am still bitter about. Instead of him picking up the bill, no one gets anything, and I feel judged (b/c his family is so traditional/matriarchal it’s automatically my fault 🙄). So I’d probably do it out of guilt/expectations. And just pick something from a registry and be done with it,,

[macmars45]

H takes care of all the gifts for his side of the family so I'd let him do that. I let his family know he's in charge of gifts 8-9 years ago so they know if they get nothing or if it's really late that's why. His parents are super traditional conservatives. I am 100% to blame for everything in our lives that doesn't line up with how they think we should be doing things. I can't change that so I just live my best life anyway.

CrazyLucky your H can look up their registry and buy a gift off of it as easily as you can.

[rachers]

This just isn't a hill to die on for me. I'd send a gift off the registry, sign mine and H's name and release it to the universe.

But I like shopping and H does not.

[Queen Dick, Hibernating Bear]

Imagine inviting a person you've never met to a party where you're celebrating someone coming out of your vagina.

[deadwing]

I honestly think there is no wrong answer here. Do what you're comfortable with and if ~someone~ judges you for it, so what?

[ssmjlm]

Apr 8, 2024 9:08:42 GMT -5 Queen Dick, Hibernating Bear said:

Imagine inviting a person you've never met to a party where you're celebrating someone coming out of your vagina.

My first thought was gift grab 100%

[wildrice]

If you've only met him 3x in 23 years, I don't think he's close enough to be obligated to give a gift. Does your H keep in good touch with him otherwise, like via text or something? If not, I would decline and probably not send anything. Certainly if it's important to your H to do so, then do it, but if you're the driver here I think you're fine to opt out. If you do send something I'd do something off the registry and skip the book/diapers.

I may be biased by having a large extended family, but I don't buy gifts for family that I don't have a strong connection with. It's too expensive to send a gift every time.

[nicolewi]

Either you or your husband should go on the registry, order something, and send it.

[CrazyLucky]

Apr 8, 2024 8:41:43 GMT -5 Patsy Baloney said:

Oh, I see. I didn’t quite understand what the deal is about the invitation coming only to you. I had to re-read a few times. I don’t think single sex showers are a hill to die on, but you do you.

I probably wouldn’t send a gift, because it’s just one more thing for me to do. If you want to expend the cash and mental energy, have something shipped directly to them.

It's not a hill to die on, but I've never met the woman.  If they want it to be single sex party, ok, but to invite someone she's never met seems off to me.

[sadlebred]

I'd send a gift from the registry directly to them. A follow up with a card isn't necessary, but I think it's a nice gesture.

[lust2hart]

Apr 8, 2024 9:33:38 GMT -5 CrazyLucky said:

Apr 8, 2024 8:41:43 GMT -5 Patsy Baloney said:

Oh, I see. I didn’t quite understand what the deal is about the invitation coming only to you. I had to re-read a few times. I don’t think single sex showers are a hill to die on, but you do you.

I probably wouldn’t send a gift, because it’s just one more thing for me to do. If you want to expend the cash and mental energy, have something shipped directly to them.

It's not a hill to die on, but I've never met the woman.  If they want it to be single sex party, ok, but to invite someone she's never met seems off to me.

When I got married, my aunts threw me a shower in *their* hometown (where my grandma still lived) and the guests were extended family - as in, my mom’s/aunt’s cousins. I definitely did not know some of those women, lol! So having that experience myself makes me wonder who is throwing the shower and if that’s just the way they do things in that family.

[CrazyLucky]

DH is not close to him. The stepbrothers mostly lived with their mom, so DH and they only lived together every other weekend. I'm not against sending a gift at all, and I will probably just send something from the registry.
I know that DH's family is my family after all this time, but let's not get on a slippery slope. DH is expected to be responsible for buying gifts for his mom and sister and brother-in-law. If he forgets and they're late, or he forgets and they don't show up at all, that's on him. I'm not going to take over all gift buying just because they're my family too now.

I feel like maybe this is a case of not seeing the forest for the trees. Being invited to a single sex baby shower isn't my hill to die on. Buying a gift for someone I've never met and don't consider family isn't a hill to die on. But being the default person to do every single thing because I'm female is becoming more and more of a hill to die on for me.