AITA - SD1 edition

[justemily]

My eldest SD is about to turn 18 this weekend and graduate from HS (and she's staying local for college). Without opening a huge can of worms, she hasn't stayed over at our house for 6+ months. Hasn't given us a reason, just been "busy." Her mom lives about 20 minutes away, and SD works up the street, so she will stop by occasionally on her break or before she starts a shift, but for no more than 20-30 minutes at a time. When we text her, 90% of the time, it's radio silence. I don't press the issue with my H, because he's OK with just letting her do what she wants. So I just roll with it.

Anyway, we have a 2 bedroom condo. The 2nd bedroom is hers, and she's taken all but some random socks, art supplies, and her XBOX to her mom's house. My family lives about 100 miles away, so when my mom wants to come visit, she has to get a hotel room (she has back problems, so doesn't like the couch(es) or our fancy air mattress w/gel topper). 

Am I a total asshole for wanting to turn SD's bedroom into a guest bedroom so my mom can stay occasionally? SD could still sleep there if she wanted, and I'd store her stuff in the closet. 

Thoughts?

TL;dr - Am I an asshole for turning my 18 year old SD's room into a guest bedroom?

[wise_rita]

No way, convert the room. But I'd wait until she's 18 (so, a day or two) to move a thing.

A 2-bedroom condo is small so this is just a good use of space.

ETA: I'd also inform her of this "change" before doing anything and reinforce that she's still welcome anytime.

[sugarbear1]

Oof. I don't think I would do it until I've had an actual conversation with her. I don't think you're an asshole for wanting to do it -- it absolutely makes sense. But whether something happened that she's not telling you, or she's just being a fickle teenager, I think making this change without her input or acknowledgement will further reinforce any negative feelings (reasonable or not) she may have.

[justemily]

Apr 12, 2024 10:25:26 GMT -5 sugarbear1 said:

Oof. I don't think I would do it until I've had an actual conversation with her. I don't think you're an asshole for wanting to do it -- it absolutely makes sense. But whether something happened that she's not telling you, or she's just being a fickle teenager, I think making this change without her input or acknowledgement will further reinforce any negative feelings (reasonable or not) she may have.

Oh I agree... just not sure how to tell her without it coming across as we're kicking her out. LOL

[Tacocat]

I would give her a heads up first before you touch her things. You absolutely have the right to do that if it makes the most sense. But she might wanna come get her last few items or let you know what she wants you to do with them. I wouldn’t change it around before giving her a chance to pickup those things. If she gives you radio silence again then go for it.

I assume she’d still be able to stay in that room if you don’t have another guest? I’d let her know that as well so she doesn’t feel like you’re telling her she’s not welcome anymore.

[glitzy07]

Apr 12, 2024 10:25:26 GMT -5 sugarbear1 said:

Oof. I don't think I would do it until I've had an actual conversation with her. I don't think you're an asshole for wanting to do it -- it absolutely makes sense. But whether something happened that she's not telling you, or she's just being a fickle teenager, I think making this change without her input or acknowledgement will further reinforce any negative feelings (reasonable or not) she may have.

I agree with this.

I also have a step-son with a full room in our house that is very rarely used because he spends most time at his mom's. He is also turning 18 in a few days actually, and I don't foresee him spending a ton of time here in the future, but I wouldn't even consider turning the room into something else without having a discussion. 

I don't think you're the asshole for wanting to use a room in your house that is rarely used, but I would tread lightly. I could absolutely use the space because I work from home full time and my office is in a living room, but I never want SS to feel like he doesn't have a "home" here until he is ready.

[brooke77]

A 2 bedroom condo? NTA. I would let her know your plans and ask if she wants you to box anything up/keep it in the closet. Make sure she knows she still has space to stay, but that you are planning on refreshing the room a bit.

[VillainV]

I think it’s worth a conversation first, where you (both of you, but ideally her bio parent) asks her about her plans and desires. Does she want to maintain a space she came come back to if needed? Does she think she might live with you while at college? Is she okay with a guest occasionally sleeping in her room if she’s not using it? Meaning, leave it “her room” with her stuff but allow it to be used as a guest room from time to time?

[mofongo]

I agree with talking to her first. Is there a reason your mom can't stay in there now? Since your SD isn't using it?

[circa1978]

You mentioned she's your eldest stepdaughter - are there other kids who don't have a bedroom there?

[fernweh]

I agree with others. A conversation needs to be had first or she may feel like she is being “kicked out”.

Something along the lines of “Since you haven’t been staying over much we were thinking of turning your bedroom into a guest room. You would still be welcome to stay anytime you want but then my mother could stay here when she’s in town instead of getting a hotel. Would you be okay with that?”

[jinkies]

Apr 12, 2024 10:40:03 GMT -5 mofongo said:

I agree with talking to her first. Is there a reason your mom can't stay in there now? Since your SD isn't using it?

I had the same question when reading. If she has almost nothing of her own in there, why does it have to be a big "we are turning your room into a guest room" conversation? Can't you just say, hey, as a heads up, we have family visiting on X dates and plan to offer them your room if you won't be here that week. 

[bex1973]

Apr 12, 2024 10:48:55 GMT -5 jinkies said:

Apr 12, 2024 10:40:03 GMT -5 mofongo said:

I agree with talking to her first. Is there a reason your mom can't stay in there now? Since your SD isn't using it?

I had the same question when reading. If she has almost nothing of her own in there, why does it have to be a big "we are turning your room into a guest room" conversation? Can't you just say, hey, as a heads up, we have family visiting on X dates and plan to offer them your room if you won't be here that week. 

This is where I am too.  My SS had a room in the house but rarely used it and it was also used as a guest room as needed.  That was in our first house, when we moved he was older and didn't claim a room in the new house.

[Roc A Bee]

I would have my mom use the room when she visited without converting it to a guest room. I’d leave the room the same, so SD wouldn’t feel put out. I have stepkids, and I feel like they always will need a space in the house until they say “I’m moving out.”

[justemily]

Apr 12, 2024 10:40:32 GMT -5 circa1978 said:

You mentioned she's your eldest stepdaughter - are there other kids who don't have a bedroom there?

Yes, SD2 is 12.5 and has had anxiety issues with sleeping away from home since she was 7 or so. So, she doesn't stay over and when we moved to this condo 3 years ago, we asked her if it was OK if she didn't have a room and she was fine with it. SD1's bed has a trundle, so SD2 can stay anytime she wants - but we leave it up to her (we've tried to get her to stay over). 

Even with our condo only having 2 bedrooms, it's still 2600+ sq ft. So it's not cramped, just only 2 bedrooms! Odd, yes... but we love the neighborhood and it moved us closer to the kids.

[justemily]

Apr 12, 2024 10:48:55 GMT -5 jinkies said:

Apr 12, 2024 10:40:03 GMT -5 mofongo said:

I agree with talking to her first. Is there a reason your mom can't stay in there now? Since your SD isn't using it?

I had the same question when reading. If she has almost nothing of her own in there, why does it have to be a big "we are turning your room into a guest room" conversation? Can't you just say, hey, as a heads up, we have family visiting on X dates and plan to offer them your room if you won't be here that week. 

Well, just because her room is an absolute trainwreck (I just dragged a whole bag of trash out of it yesterday, as well as a basket full of dirty bath towels). I try not to go into her room as it's "hers" and don't want her to feel like her privacy is being invaded. *shrug*

ETA: her bed is a full so I'd like to replace it with something larger, but again, don't want to touch her stuff.

[bittybomb]

Apr 12, 2024 10:58:32 GMT -5 Roc A Bee said:

I would have my mom use the room when she visited without converting it to a guest room. I’d leave the room the same, so SD wouldn’t feel put out. I have stepkids, and I feel like they always will need a space in the house until they say “I’m moving out.”

I think I would do this too.  We have 3 kids, and we both work from home, so we don't have an extra room to use as a guest room.  When we have overnight visitors, one of our kids gives up their rooms.  They clean it (with my help, lol) until its spotless with fresh linens.  Usually its  my daughter because she has a queen sized bed, but if we have more than one guest, my sons will give theirs up too. 

[circa1978]

As it is not just her room with your update, I would frame it more as that the room needs to be clean and ready for use for both daughters and any guests. I would make sure both girls had a place to put their things that was theirs in the space, regardless of if the younger one is currently staying over.

[mofongo]

Apr 12, 2024 11:16:11 GMT -5 justemily said:

Apr 12, 2024 10:48:55 GMT -5 jinkies said:

I had the same question when reading. If she has almost nothing of her own in there, why does it have to be a big "we are turning your room into a guest room" conversation? Can't you just say, hey, as a heads up, we have family visiting on X dates and plan to offer them your room if you won't be here that week. 

Well, just because her room is an absolute trainwreck (I just dragged a whole bag of trash out of it yesterday, as well as a basket full of dirty bath towels). I try not to go into her room as it's "hers" and don't want her to feel like her privacy is being invaded. *shrug*

ETA: her bed is a full so I'd like to replace it with something larger, but again, don't want to touch her stuff.

I would just clean the room, get a bigger bed and not make it a thing.

[VillainV]

Apr 12, 2024 11:16:11 GMT -5 justemily said:

Apr 12, 2024 10:48:55 GMT -5 jinkies said:

I had the same question when reading. If she has almost nothing of her own in there, why does it have to be a big "we are turning your room into a guest room" conversation? Can't you just say, hey, as a heads up, we have family visiting on X dates and plan to offer them your room if you won't be here that week. 

Well, just because her room is an absolute trainwreck (I just dragged a whole bag of trash out of it yesterday, as well as a basket full of dirty bath towels). I try not to go into her room as it's "hers" and don't want her to feel like her privacy is being invaded. *shrug*

ETA: her bed is a full so I'd like to replace it with something larger, but again, don't want to touch her stuff.

I wonder if maybe she would be okay with an upgrade to a larger bed/new linens, jf it means she gets to keep the option of returning to the space, but allowing it to be used flexibly when she’s not there.

So much can happen with young people, especially when they start college, it would be nice if she felt that this was a safe space she could choose to come back to if the need arises. But yeah, in a two-bedroom condo, it would be nice to be able to use that space for other purposes when she’s not home.

[wanderingback]

Apr 12, 2024 10:40:03 GMT -5 mofongo said:

I agree with talking to her first. Is there a reason your mom can't stay in there now? Since your SD isn't using it?

Yes I’m confused about this.
We also only have a 2 bedroom. Our daughter’s room is also the guest room for when my mom comes. Obviously we’ll change things a bit as she gets older but it can be both a bedroom and a guest room and much doesn’t need to change.

[gretchenindisguise]

I grew up with having to give up my bedroom when my grandparents came. My kids do the same (really the 9yo because he has the bigger bed). It just is what it is.

[gottadobe]

Add me to the list who wouldn't make a huge deal of "changing" it to a guest room, but I would certainly use it as a guest room!
Does she have a lot of personalized things on the walls or decor?

[sparkythelawyer]

wait until college/whatever she's doing starts in the fall.  You're making a statement that you don't want to have to clean up after the fact.

[penelope]

Apr 12, 2024 10:54:44 GMT -5 bex1973 said:

Apr 12, 2024 10:48:55 GMT -5 jinkies said:

I had the same question when reading. If she has almost nothing of her own in there, why does it have to be a big "we are turning your room into a guest room" conversation? Can't you just say, hey, as a heads up, we have family visiting on X dates and plan to offer them your room if you won't be here that week. 

This is where I am too.  My SS had a room in the house but rarely used it and it was also used as a guest room as needed.  That was in our first house, when we moved he was older and didn't claim a room in the new house.

Completely agreed and that is what I did with my son.  He's a junior in college and all of his sports memorabilia and things were put in a box and when he was home for the holidays he went through it and kept what he wanted.  It is in a tote under the bed.  It's now just a bedroom, he does still have clothes in the closet and in like two dresser drawers.  When he comes home for the summer, of course it will be his room, he is more than welcome, but during the school year if someone wants to visit they can use it as well and it doesn't look like a high schooler's room.

I had no big conversation with him, we just did it and I told him prior to mid semester break, you have stuff to go through when you get here.  Maybe I don't have to tip toe as much as he's not a step child but it was not a big deal to him as long as he isn't stuck on the couch all summer.  

[Roc A Bee]

Reading your update, I’d definitely clean the room, or have her clean it and upgrade the bed/linens if you’d like. But I wouldn’t make it about changing the purpose of the room. I’d probably have her pick out the bedding.

[fernweh]

Apr 12, 2024 10:58:32 GMT -5 Roc A Bee said:

I feel like they always will need a space in the house until they say “I’m moving out.”

My room at my parent’s house is exactly the way I left it when I went away to college. I assume just because my parents never needed it for anything else so they just didn’t bother.

I am pushing 40, been married for 15 years and own my own house but I never stated that “I’m moving out” I just kind of went to college and then never came back. I think it’s great what you are doing for your step kids but I’m LOLing at the idea that my mom is still keeping my room for me because I never told her I’m moving out and she thinks I might need it.

[Roc A Bee]

Apr 12, 2024 11:52:17 GMT -5 fernweh said:

Apr 12, 2024 10:58:32 GMT -5 Roc A Bee said:

I feel like they always will need a space in the house until they say “I’m moving out.”

My room at my parent’s house is exactly the way I left it when I went away to college. I assume just because my parents never needed it for anything else so they just didn’t bother.

I am pushing 40, been married for 15 years and own my own house but I never stated that “I’m moving out” I just kind of went to college and then never came back. I think it’s great what you are doing for your step kids but I’m LOLing at the idea that my mom is still keeping my room for me because I never told her I’m moving out and she thinks I might need it.

Ha! I guess I just mean when the moving is on their terms to a permanent spot. Believe me, by the time they are getting married, I will have reclaimed their rooms!

[quesyrah]

I don’t think so at all. I would definitely give her a heads up first though.

[mcsangel2]

Initially I was going to say go for it, but after really thinking about it, and the update that you have a younger SD too, I would not 'officially' change the designation of the room to the guest room. I would continue to refer to it as the SD's room and I think you should think of it that way too. An 18 year old (much less a 12 year old) is still pretty dang young, and I can't imagine being that age and being told my room at my dad's house is going to be updated and to decide what I want to do with the rest of my stuff that's there. And regardless of whether your younger SD ever stays over, she needs to have a place she thinks of as hers there.

That doesn't mean your mom can't sleep there. You can tell older SD she needs to clean it up because a guest will be sleeping there, but that doesn't mean you have the right (IMO) to completely redecorate or even change what type of bed is there. This is the girls' room and it needs to be that until younger SD is in college. Have a conversation with them and see what they think about redecorating, changing the bed, etc. I would imagine replacing a daybed with a trundle might with a queen *not* be what they want because it would mean they'd have to share the queen when hypothetically both are there at the same time.

So talk to them about it, but always frame it as being their room. You never know, they might be okay with those changes. But this should be their decision, not yours. Again, just IMO.